Over the last few weeks I’ve been paying attention to how I feel. I’ve noticed where and with whom I’m at ease, fully myself and content.
As much as I miss the companionship of my man, I’ve noticed an upbeat change in me since we broke up. I think it’s the ability to fully be myself again. I’m playing pretty music on the radio in the kitchen. I’m investing in spirituality again. I’m talking emotions and writing with my friends again. It’s OK to be soft and sweet. It’s OK to focus on the process versus the output. It’s OK to relax and spout positive observations.
That’s so nice!
What I figured out after weeks of self and relationship analysis, is that because I am really sensitive to emotional nuances, I need to be around really nice people to be my best self. I mean really really nice. The kind of people who notice when you don’t have a hymnal at church and get you one, even if they are not sitting near you. The kind of people who check in with you to make sure you’re doing OK after a hard day. The kind of people who leave notes for you to find later. The kind of people who smile when they talk. The kind that see the beauty in an Oak tree, a poem or a child’s curiosity. The kind who point out what you did right. The kind of people who are grateful for what they have. The kind who can talk music, books, movies, etc, focusing on what they love, not what they hate. The kind of people who see good in other people and point it out.
I’ve been told I can’t live in a sunshine and rainbow world. I know there is a lot of bad out there. It’s difficult NOT to see and experience it. I simply choose NOT to focus on it. I choose to focus on the amazing, kind, compassionate, positive and beautiful things that occur every day. It feels better. It takes less energy and I know others who do it too. I don’t think they are idiots living in La La Land. They are the people who give me the courage to push myself out of my comfort zone. They are the people who inspire me to be a better person.
The light and the dark, but mostly light
For me, it’s harder to be negative and espouse the dark side of things. It snuffs out light and energy I could use to smile and support others. It chokes my creativity by keeping me small and bitter. When I’m with someone who is quicker to criticize than praise, I shrink. I’m highly sensitive to criticism.
I’m not saying I go around spreading sunshine all the time. I have my moody cranky days. When I’m tired or overwhelmed, tears, criticism and swear words are right there waiting to escape my weakened control. What I’m saying is, I have done a lot of work to figure out how to mitigate that state of being. Sleep and warm, compassionate environments make me a better human.
Secure relationships with sweet sensitive people make you a better person
I met with my intuitive writing group recently. I’ve mentioned them many times. I love those friends. My writing sister, Jennifer, said the other night, “I’ve never had a bad writing night.” Me neither. We never do. I always walk out of writing group feeling lighter and happier. Always. We cry, laugh, support, share and empathize there. It is always harmonious. No conflict. No impatience. It’s a safe space to unfold your weary spirit. Within the walls of that safe space I have formed secure relationships with longtime friends.
The foundation of friendship, support and security I have from my writing group has gotten me through some of my roughest times, including divorce and death in my family. The kind friendships formed there helped me be braver with my career goals and romantic endeavors. I learn from and get love from my friends. You better believe I work to give them the same in return. Goodness sparks goodness.
I’ve noticed I feel the same way walking out of the Unitarian Universalist church I started attending. I believe religion is a very personal subject. I am by no means pedaling dogma, just sharing the good feeling I discovered in a new place. I have went to three services at the church, all of them by myself. Each visit I was welcomed whole-heartedly. Several people approached me at each service. They kindly and gently talked to me with warm smiles and respectful inquiry. I had a sense of being surrounded by my people. They were curious and engaging without being invasive or gossipy. They were highly inclusive with me and with everyone. They were big fans of humanity in all its shapes and colors.
I’m positive I need you to not be negative about others
Which is another thing I’ve learned. Not only do I require niceness for myself, I require it for others as well. I feel negativity toward others as conflict. Even biting words expressed through clenched teeth about other drivers on the highway, get to me. Complaints, swearing or simmering impatience about other people pile up in my nervous system and cause me to feel anxious and fatigued. It’s not just my mind that reacts to negativity, it’s my whole body. I withdraw into myself. I stop talking, smiling and reaching out.
No matter how good I am at putting myself in someone else’s shoes and seeing from their perspective; no matter
Sir Richard Branson smiling sweetly and enthusiastically
how much my heart aches for someone; consistent confrontation, disagreement, complaining and negativity, will push me away. My instinct to thrive is too strong. I will gravitate toward the harmonious, kind, sweet, positive and sensitive types for nourishment.
How does your body react to negativity? Are you living with someone who doesn’t feel really nice? How do you deal with simmering conflict and cynicism?
Oh my god this is so me. I’ve tried to explain this to my boyfriend, who has, unfortunately, a very negative default setting. One thing I especially can not understand is his complaining about things he can’t do anything about. Like the weather, or something being expensive, or the bus being late… And even if he’s complaining about things he can change, it’s like his focus is on complaining and not on fixing the thing that is broken/ not working/ not the way he likes. And it drains me. No matter how much I want to support him, help him and make him feel okay, I can’t do it. I can’t, because my mind is filling with buzz, his negativity is so overwhelming, it wipes away every other thing from my mind. It’s a brain-freeze of one sort. I can’t focus, I just feel irritated in a similar way I feel, when I’m deep in my thoughts, concentrating on something, and then someone interrupts me.
And when I see his lips curl in a special way, or hear that tone in his voice, it’s enough for me and I go to defensive mode before he’s even starting his negative outburst. Then I just get away from him, and most of the time let him curse and cry, after that he will calm down and then he can listen to my advice about how to fix the thing. But oh, it’s so exhausting when this happens. He gets over it quick, but I need more recharge time obviously. I’ve tried to explain this, but I don’t think he still really understand how much my energy he sucks away at those times…
I can feel the exhaustion and stress in your words. That kind of knee-jerk negativity kills your spirit. Your boyfriend’s brain has been wired to go to the negative right away. It probably gives him a little jolt of satisfaction (or good neurochemicals like dopamine or norepinephrine) when he expresses his angst, making it rewarding to keep doing it. If he could work on putting some other habit in place that produces the same good release feeling, that would make you both much more at ease. Maybe he could hug you or smile instead of complaining? I’ve been in your shoes. It is hard to be around. There is a book called “Non-Violent Communication”. He might glean some good from it. Take care of yourself by doing something positive that gives you comfort, like taking a walk or talking to a positive minded friend. Thanks for sharing your experience.
So many of your posts are so spot on for me. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who is so affected by negative words and emotions. I absolutely shrink down when I am around negativity, even if it its not directed to me. My defense mechanism is to shut down and not acknowledge it in the hopes it will go away (i.e. the person will just stop the negative comments if they are not encouraged by a response) but then that just puts up a barrier between me and that person which makes me feel worse since I crave deep connection. I simply have to step away from it and deeply focus on something positive (or even just engrossing like a book, movie or a creative project) to cleanse myself of the negativity I have absorbed.
My husband has a default negativity that is hard to live with. I don’t think he realizes how much of what he says is negative even if he thinks it’s a joke or just a stray comment. If he says anything harsh to our kids, it’s even harder for me because I switch into defensive mama-bear which creates more conflict and drains my energy. Its simply easier to breathe when that dark cloud is not around.
Oh Kristen, I’ve lived with dark clouds hovering in my environment. I could not stay quiet when my kids were affected. I hope you find a way to connect with your husband and work out a win/win situation where he gets to be himself but with less negativity. We all need positive connections. They literally affect your brain processes. I know conflict is highly stimulating and draining. It sounds like you are (like me) very sensitive to it. If you could talk to your husband with a stated end goal of making your relationship stronger, you could possibly find some relief. Sending you peace and strength. I’ve been there.
Dear Brenda
I always resonate with what you write, and it is soooo lovely for someone to express it so honestly and well, and for others of us to be able to relate and have some clarity through your words on what we feel too. The timing is always right as well, your articles seem to come and be about what I am considering at the same time. I also resonate highly with the other comment leavers, and that adds to the whole connective, easing experience. I have also done a ‘people cleanse’ recently, and feel much better for it. It is a powerful act of self love. And I am noticing much more about how I feel around different people, and accepting that it is OK to want to be around some and not others, and making that happen. I too yearn for those lovely people who are warm and kind, and when I make the space, they come. Thank you for writing and sharing this, I love it!
Stephanie
Thank you for your kind words Stephanie. I am so happy when my writing resonates and makes people feel known. ‘People cleansing’ is so hard to do but our sensitive nervous systems and intuition speak loudly sometimes and need to be heeded. I hope you blossom and find much joy and peace in a kind safe haven.
Brenda, when I ended my relationship, I too felt free..like myself again….I started writing again, listening to all the romantic love songs, I missed. I got to fill my spirit with music. It felt good to digest those lovely lyrics and music…I needed it..I was starving for it….as I was deprived of it while with someone…music made me feel whole again, as it is a gift from God…I need good people in my life, if not my whole nervous systems shuts down. I’ve witness the harsh effects of negativity and what it did to my mother on a psychological level….I have ended up in the hospital over toxic people… I’m just too sensitive to negativity…I need kind people in my life, that’s why I did a “people cleanse”. To many emotional vampires. I have my days too but I too, will stop smiling and laughing and I get quiet. When I’m around negative people, who are not kind to others…
I’m not an argumentative person at all….I rarely ever raise my voice, I’m a peaceful person. I’m always kind to others 99% of the time, that 1% when I have to yell or argue, it’s very draining. I know the world is not perfect, but I just hope one day it could be and I just look for the joy, miracles and blessings in things, no matter if it’s raining down on me or not, I’m hopeful. I love how Ellen always says “be kind to one another” and it’s so true! More people need to be kind to one another, as well as themselves. Love… I want it one day but I want a peaceful love…not the kind of love that drains me. Until then I’m enjoying the peaceful single life, until that special person comes into my life and makes it worth not being single anymore.
Amen to everything you said. We are both idealists and that won’t ever change. Negativity kills our spirit. I know it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to be sweet and harmonious all the time, but I know there are definitely some people that are more prone to harmony than others. I also know idealists need pragmatists sometimes in order to help us not get too lost in our dreaminess. It all depends on how much kindness comes along with the realism. Take care kindred spirit. P.S. I love Ellen!
Dear Bea,
All that you say is beautiful. I feel in the same way. You are lucky that you are around of nice people. It´s a treasure. If you are not with the right people, your life can change from the best to the worst. We are chemistry.
Dear Brenda-sorry!!
Dear Bea, Brenda is one of the super nice people! She won’t mind at all! 🙂
Michael
Thanks Michael. You’re right. I won’t mind at all.:)
No worries at all Bea. 🙂
I am so grateful for the nice people in my life. They give me strength. Thanks for being a nice person in my life Bea. 🙂
Oh, thank you Brenda.
When I read your comments I feel everything. Sometimes I have cried because you touch my deepest feelings and all in what I believe.
I´m divorced for two years ago. I have a son. He´s four. I haven´t had another relation. I love living alone with my son. And yes, I feel alone but at the same time I feel safe. Sometimes I dream having a new partner but I don´t think someone exists with the characteristics that you mention (characteristics that I love). I´m 39 and I notice that I have no capacity to tolerate the negative things in people (it doesn´t mean I don´t want to listen the problems people. It´s about bad energy). I only want nice, honest, sensitive, conscious, intense and REAL people. Many people don´t have the same intensity and meaning for the same things. It confuses me.
I want someone in the same level of life. I know it is difficult, but I can´t be who I´m not.
My best regards (from Spain).
P.D.: Sorry about my english.
Bea your English is great.:) I always understand you perfectly. What I’ve learned is that if you want to find kind, conscious and sensitive people you have to go where they are. I’ve found many at spiritual services, writing events and while doing volunteer work. It makes sense they would be where thoughtful and meaningful activities take place. I send you a warm embrace, peace and strength. You are not alone in your feelings. Love your son well and take care of you too.
Brenda, this one is right on point all throughout. Yes, we need extra kind and compassionate relationships. We need those things, because we are those things to other people. Always? Yes, just about … except when with negative people, people who find fault, who bring up what they might perceive as problems in us — an extreme sensitivity to everything.
We need lots of laughter. Laughter is its own kindness, its own form of love.
Is it a la-la land? Why should it be? Is it better to immerse ourselves in fear and negative comments? All the while, we can see the good in people, and speak that good. That good is not an illusion; it is there. One of our most important roles is to see that good and that beauty in others. Many do not. It is a gift, its own prayer for another, to see their beauty and good.
I love this note. Thank you.
Michael
Thank you Michael. I’m learning I need more and more gentleness, kindness and positivity around me. I try to be that same kind of light to others. I know I’m not perfect. I get stressed by negativity and then don’t act as patiently as I would like. Laughter is a great healer. I need to laugh more and be around those who laugh a lot. I love seeing the good and beauty in others and showing it to them.:)