I’ve been thinking about space lately. Now that my man is gone, there is more space in my life. Sometimes that feels energizing and free. Other times it feels empty and heavy.
It so happens that this week my children are spending extra time with their dad. I miss them. My home has too much space and quiet. I bet you never thought you’d hear an introvert say that.
The woman who created space2live is uncomfortable in her space.
Is there anybody out there?
Since the breakup with my man, I’ve missed my mom more. She’s shown up in my dreams. In the past when I needed to talk, she was there to listen. She was a safe space I could turn to. Now that she’s gone, my short list of first responders, is even shorter.
I’ve found myself reaching across space to my friends and family. I have a deep desire to feel connected. I don’t like free-floating in space. It feels vulnerable and yes, even lonely.
At one point last week, I contacted four friends via email and for two days no one responded, radio silence. I also contacted four different repair service people (plumber, painter, handyman, landscaper) and only one responded. Even the people I intended to pay to talk to me, didn’t respond. It felt like I was talking into a vast void. The only explanation I could take solace in, is that everyone is very busy.
Busy feels empty and disconnected.
I mentioned in a previous post how I’d found a safe haven in a progressive church in my community. The attendees there feel like my people. I went to church this past Sunday. After being warmly greeted by those handing out bulletins and welcoming congregants, I walked to the side of the church I’d subconsciously decided would be my usual side for sitting. In the last pew with her head down looking at her phone was my ex-husband’s new wife. The sight of her took my breath away for a second. I instantly felt a sense of loss. My new warm space, didn’t feel so safe and warm.
I know part of it is I feel observed and judged by someone who is by default, a part of my inner circle. There is also the fact that she is an extrovert. My introverted spirit, that I’ve worked diligently to empower, still feels a tad inferior to someone with a vivacious and outspoken nature. Around such people, I regress to that quiet girl who fades into the background. I didn’t want to fade in this place. I actually thought it would be a place where I could glow brightly. I know I still can.
She and I talked after the service. This was her first time attending this church. She was looking for a spiritual community in the area and wanted to bring her kids there. We have a lot of the same interests and intentions. It’s easy to like her. But even she brought up how it might be a little weird both attending the same church.
I’m trying to process this situation and why the Universe would put us together in the same spiritual community. I want to come from a place of abundance and not selfishly wish my lovely safe haven was not invaded but for now my openness and generosity is a work in progress.
Wanting to see planets up close
My middle son’s fascination with astronomy recently resurfaced. We’ve been staring at planets and the moon through his telescope. We desperately want to see stripes on Jupiter and rings around Saturn. We want details. We want clarity. His telescope does not have the capability to see those things clearly. I reached out to a friend who is an expert on space. He researched alternative telescopes for us so we could see more. I appreciated his help.
My son reminded me how there are more stars in the sky than grains of sand on Earth. He also said a grain of sand covers 10,000 galaxies in the night’s sky. Wow. Vastness opens us to contemplation. We are so small. We want such clarity.
I’m seeking clarity from this alone space.
Putting yourself out there
One thing that’s come into sharper focus is how much I value responsiveness, particularly emotional responsiveness. When I reach out, I’m easily hurt if no one reaches back.
In exploring that discovery, I’ve turned the lens around and tried to be more responsive to others. I’m accepting spontaneous invitations, supporting friends in their endeavors, lending a hand when needed and helping others get through their dark times.
I’m using the extra time in my schedule to further my writing work. I’m reading Lauren Sapala’s writing book for INFJs, The INFJ Writer: Cracking the Creative Genius of the World’s Rarest Type. I highly recommend it for any sensitive intuitive interested in developing their creative process. Not surprisingly, Lauren’s book resonates with me. Lauren even suggests wallowing in self-indulgent and emotional music.
I’m researching and gaining insight from workshops about relationship dynamics and personal growth. Gaining insight is an excellent way for me to heal. It gives me hope and inspiration. It engages my future oriented mind and gets me moving forward.
The space where my relationship used to be is putting me in touch with loneliness and showing me what I really want: connection, responsiveness, creativity, learning and insight.
What has emptiness taught you? How sensitive are you to responsiveness?