Stay connected

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts.


Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live

Join us on Facebook

Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much)

One of the gifts of introversion is that we have to be discriminating about our relationships.  We know we only have so much energy for reaching out; if we’re going to invest, we want it to be good.

~ Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power

Often this gift of discriminating taste feels more like a burden than a gift. I am acutely aware of my limited energy.  Quite honestly most of my energy goes to raising my children. What energy I have left I use to help coaching clients, nurture friendships, connect with extended family and date.

The truth is we (introverts) have to be selective about all of our relationships. Unlike extroverts we recharge from within. Socializing with lots of people (although enjoyable) can drain us. Extroverts get energy from social interactions and external stimulation.

Over the last few years I have learned to pause and gauge how I feel with different people. Do I feel excited, energized, light? Or do I feel anxious, depleted, heavy? The more uplifting a person’s company the more time I can spend with them and the more of myself I can give.

How to Attract and Hold an Introvert’s Heart

What makes a partner’s personality uplifting and generative? Intimacy. Introverts are not into small talk. We want to share emotions, feelings and ideas. Not just any emotions or feelings or ideas — meaningful ones.

Physical intimacy can be energizing as well  — provided it is passionate and not obligatory. Sensuality starts with the external but blooms within. Anything that  heightens or encourages a positive internal experience is appealing to an introvert.

Humor in a relationship goes a long way too. It’s both a physical and emotional boon.

The key to a relationship with an introvert? We must be able to relax and recharge with you. Strong relationships have responsiveness (from both partners), common interests and respect for each other’s differences, so the work naturally required in any relationship, is done with minimal energy drain. Forging a relationship takes up much precious energy. Introverts generate energy from within by reflecting on ideas, thoughts, impressions and feelings. If we find someone desirable who can share what swirls within their interior, synergy occurs. We expand and are left energized rather than depleted.

Carl Jung said we choose partners to expand who we are.

Speaking for Myself…

Independence mixed with vulnerability and openness is attractive. A relationship built on personal authenticity and interdependence is ideal. Even as an introvert, I like to have a steady companion I can count on. Someone I trust and who trusts me so that we can have our own endeavors but also provide a safe haven to return to for each other.

Constant drama and complaining will leave me as lifeless as a forgotten doll. Deep empathy is another trait of many introverts. If you have problems/pain in your life, I will feel for you intensely. I will want to help/show you light, which is all fine and good until I find myself in the dark with nothing left to give. Some drama and baggage is expected. We all have it. Partners take turns supporting each other, but if this gets too one-sided the introvert will deplete quickly.

Negativity can weigh especially heavy on an intuitive and deeply feeling introvert’s mind and heart. If you have a penchant for criticizing or judging, then time with you will have to be limited. I absorb emotions and energy from others. I easily slip myself into their shoes and feel what they feel. Not all introverts experience this, but the more intuitive and empathic ones do.

One of life’s greatest pleasures is the anticipation of pleasure.

~ unknown

I love love. Who doesn’t? I dream easily of  romantic scenarios. Conversations and canoodling for hours. Nights of lights in the city, simple bedrooms in country farmhouses. I’m most definitely a hopeful romantic.

I both get lost and feel at home in love songs.

The Space Between

I read somewhere that it’s the space between times with a special person that encourages an introvert to fall in love. Their internal replays and daydreams are so pleasure rich that the relationship is enhanced.

Many of us (introverts) want and have  great relationships, but we generally prefer no relationship to a bad one.

~ Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power

It’s not always easy to find a partner who understands an introvert’s need for downtime. Most recently, a gentlemen who I had been talking to over the phone and corresponding with online told me that we would probably make better friends than partners.  He said my independence may not work for him.  He wants someone to witness experiences with him.  I’m not exactly sure what he meant, but in truth I think I am one of the best people to witness experiences with. I pay attention and revel in awe over the simplest things. I believe he meant he needed MORE shared experiences.  Quantity AND quality.  I admired him for speaking honestly and after that our conversation relaxed. I had been holding my breath wondering if I could keep up with the amount of attention he extended and expected.

That’s something I worry about — keeping up with the other person’s affection. What if they text, call or write me ten times a day? Do I have to reciprocate the same amount? Will that become old and exhausting? Another reason to be discriminating when dating.

Solitude an Option?

If we are going to put ourselves out there it has to be good. Better than solitude. Solitude is always an option for introverts. We use time to ourselves to renew. Of course, during solitude it is completely possible that romantic daydreams surface sending us out again to find something very very good.

What kind of lover feeds you rather than drains you? Have you been fortunate enough to experience energizing love? Are you in an expansive relationship now?

About the Author:


  1. Nick July 12, 2018 at 4:11 pm - Reply

    I found your wonderful site a week or so ago when I was searching for material to better understand my new girlfriend. As a bit about myself, I am a middle aged extrovert – about as extrovert as they come. I love being the centre of attention, life of the party, the joker etc etc. Attached to this is a need that I have to be constantly validated. This can take the form in professional settings of needing re-assurance about my decisions, or being told I am doing a good job, but of course then manifests itself in my personal life as a distinct neediness. My new girlfriend of a little over three months is in my opinion extremely introverted. She has a very small and close group of friends, and displays all the traits that you have discussed on this site. She is very used to being alone, and calls her room her cave, into which she retreats. She is extremely poor at responding to texts / phone calls etc, and will often just leave her phone switched off for a couple of days – I have seen this when I have spent weekends with her. In the very beginnings of course this caused all sorts of anxieties because I felt like she wasn’t interested as she went days without getting in touch with me. Over time however, I have come to accept this.

    Last night, we had our first little argument over whether I was going to stay over or not, and she said that we spend a lot of time together. I have been intentionally trying not to smother her – we maybe meet up twice a week as we both have jobs that involve night shifts etc which makes it hard to find times that overlap. I am now sat here stressed because I feel like I have pushed her away. When I left this morning we were cuddling and being affectionate as per usual, but I sensed a bit of tension. I am by chance a few minutes away from her house on Saturday night, and mentioned that we could perhaps meet up for dinner, to which she was a bit off and said that she might want to see someone else or just sit in her room. To me this is crazy – why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your other half as opposed to being on your own, but through reading this site I can see that she maybe just needs to get away from me for a bit? She is perhaps feeling overwhelmed by my affection and need to see her frequently, and needs to withdraw? I suffer with anxiety however, and this situation is making me unwell. I haven’t eaten today worrying that I have lost her, or upset her, or that she has decided I’m too needy. She’s not been in contact at all, which isn’t unusual as she isn’t a great text / social media communicator, but of course my mind is running through all the worst case scenarios. She has told me about previous boyfriends that she has dumped because they got too needy, and I fear that my personality is giving this impression.

    When we are together, it is the most amazing relationship I have ever had. I know it is still new, but the chemistry is out of this world. We literally can’t keep our hands off each other, fall asleep in each others arms – heck we were even joking about where our children would go to school and what dog we are going to get the other night. It is the time apart that kills me. To make matters worse, she has a big exam in a couple of weeks, and I know she is stressing about this. She is likely to withdraw more, and I don’t think that I will get to see her until it is done. The issue here being that the last time I saw her we parted on slightly strange terms after our little argument, and I don’t deal well with open ended situations, which this now is. I want to call or text her so much, but realise at the moment that this is probably the worst thing I can do.

    So, I need to sit and give her space, although I feel physically sick with worry that I have lost / will lose her. I take some solace from this site and in recognising that we are at very opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of our needs right now, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m unsure as to how to proceed in that I don’t also want her to think that I am upset by our argument and not texting her because of that – I am the more communicative, and by going cold turkey she may start to question whether I am upset with her, which I am not, I am just confused.

    Can extremely extroverted and introverted people form a long lasting bond, and any tips for getting over this initial phase of dating? Everything else is so awesome between us, and I don’t want to lose her. I am due to meet her family in a few weeks time at a big gathering, and we have planned a week long holiday for later in the month, so it’s not like she’s shying away from commitment!

    • Brenda Knowles July 13, 2018 at 9:35 am - Reply

      I’ve found that often in relationships there is a pursuer and a withdrawer. Sometimes this is due to temperament, i.e. introvert/extrovert. Sometimes it is due to past relationships with family or lovers. These relationships can work but both parties need to have an understanding of what triggers fear and unease in themselves and within their partners. Both people need to move a little in their partner’s desired direction. For example, you would need to be more comfortable with your girlfriend’s retreating. It’s important to not take her withdrawal personally. Most likely, her need to be alone or self-reliant emerged due to other relationships years before she met you. It’s mature that you recognize your own anxiety about her absence. In a secure relationship, she would soothe that anxiety and help you regulate your emotions. You would do the same for her when she is feeling overwhelmed. Helping her may mean giving her space. It may mean helping her with decision making or chores around the house. It may soother her if you hold her hand. You have to figure out how to comfort each other for it to work. A good place to start is to address the pattern of pursuer and withdrawer.See it as a pattern not a judgment on each other. Hope this gives you something to work with. We can talk further in a coaching session if you would like to schedule one.

    • Anonymous January 29, 2019 at 1:11 pm - Reply

      I’m super curious how this worked out for you. Did it work out? On what terms? It seems you were getting all kinds of confusing messages and naturally left feeling insecure. It sucks to feel like that if you feel that you yourself are capable of healthy relating. It also begs the question about such partners if they may secretly be narcissistic and hiding behind a veil of introversion?

  2. warm introvert February 5, 2018 at 1:13 pm - Reply

    I’m solidly Infj/Intj, and a woman. I’m not sure most of what’s being written here is totally correlated to introversion, but rather adult attachment style. I have a ‘secure’ attachment style, so I like having a partner around, even 24/7. I enjoy a high level of talking and texting with a significant other, and physical contact. I do enjoy some alone time, and god forbid, not into crowds, which means more than 3 other people. The writing here reflects stories about an ‘avoidant’ attachment style. In introverts it can practically make them seem like hermits or recluses and in the extroverted make them known for frequent shallow relationships, which is fine, no judging if that’s what you want.

    But honestly, could this site change its name to ‘avoidant style introverts’?; because it doesn’t represent introverts in general.

    • Brenda Knowles February 5, 2018 at 1:33 pm - Reply

      Hi Warm Introvert. If you read some of my posts in the last year, you’ll see I do reference adult attachment styles. I agree, a lot of what determines someone’s ability to handle intimacy and relationships has to do with their attachment style. Temperament does play a part too. I am working to show my readers that what they consider their introverted traits may be their attachment style. I appreciate your comment.

  3. Stephanie February 3, 2018 at 7:06 pm - Reply

    Please email me or contact me via text. I need advice and help desperately please. 5098631973

  4. Emma February 2, 2018 at 5:10 pm - Reply

    So many of these stories resonate with me. I am the introvert. I’m not going to go into my story, but I have one question that I need serious help with. My husband and I fight all the time because of the “texting” issue!!!! Honestly, I communicate better through texting in general, rather than face to face. That goes for anyone I talk to. But how do I explain myself when he gets upset about me not responding within minutes or just responding “ok”. Sometimes he texts a long paragraph and I honestly don’t have anything but “ok” to say!!!! It’s something so simple, but it’s been a real toll on or marriage lately. He thinks I’m ignoring him or I don’t think he’s important. I don’t know how to explain that once I feel like a conversation is over, I’m done. I don’t text back anymore. Also, he needs/expects a lot of attention and affection that I apparently am not giving him. However, I think the reason I don’t show him as much affection lately is because we have been fighting a lot and I kind of resent him. It is just so hard to make him understand me 🙁

    • Brenda Knowles February 3, 2018 at 12:48 pm - Reply

      It sounds like he makes you feel inadequate with your responses and he feels like you don’t care enough about him. That’s a common pattern couples fall into. One pursues and one tries to be more free. See the pattern when it happens, acknowledge how you contribute to it and how you make your partner feel. Stop the pattern before it causes real damage. When we resent someone stealing our freedom or not accepting what we have to give, we shut down. Stay open to his love, not just his needs. You both will have to move toward each other a little more. He can accept and understand that you are not personally disrespecting or ignoring him, you feel like you are done with the conversation. You can accept and understand that he needs more reassurance than you give him. If you make him feel more secure, he eventually won’t need as many reassurances. Best wishes! These issues can be resolved. Just stay open to working on them. Work through them together, really listen to what the other is asking for.

  5. Yolanda December 27, 2017 at 1:15 pm - Reply

    I have a few questions as I am dating an introvert and have been for a year. Do you have an email address?

  6. Claire September 7, 2017 at 4:07 pm - Reply

    Hi Brenda,

    I recently came across your article. I am an extrovert in a long distance relationship with an introvert. We’ve been together for about 6 and a half months (but have been friends in and out of touch since high school 5 years ago).

    When we first got together (it started out long distance) he’d want to talk to me and Skype me every day for hours. He’s been pretty busy with work lately (I know this for sure because he has a very tough and demanding job). I’ve communicated that I need more social time and I want to Skype more often (we only visit each other in person every three months). He always says he’s sorry and he’s trying etc and I feel bad for making him feel bad, but he also needs hours of alone time. He sometimes won’t respond to messages or disappear and I know he’s doing his own thing, but it’s hard when we have opposite schedules and he needs alone time. It hardly feels like a relationship sometimes. I always get good morning texts and reassuring messages when I talk to him about it, but how do I not let my anxiety affect me and stay happy while giving him space? Sometimes we barely skype three times a week now.

    Thank you in advance

    • Brenda Knowles September 10, 2017 at 4:13 pm - Reply

      We have only so much emotional energy. Each of you has your own needs. It sounds like his job is taking a lot of his energy. Your lack of face to face real time is going to be tough on the relationship. We need to see facial expressions up close. Comforting touch and closeness are good for our nervous systems. I hope you get some together time soon. Strive to be a team and work together to improve your connection. You might start by saying how much you care about him and want to find ways to progress as a couple. See how willing he is to work with you. Long distance relationships are tough. At the very least you need verbal intimacy. Best of luck!

  7. Confused July 30, 2017 at 12:01 pm - Reply

    I love reading all of your blogs on introversion. It has really opened my eyes. I am dating an introvert and have always allowed for her space and given her time away. At first I wondered, but she in no uncertain terms said please don’t ask if I’m ok. I am, I just have different needs.
    Fast forward, everything is going great after 8 months. Then she receives some terrible news about one of her parents. My SO were very close for a day or two after the news. To add to the issue her pet has been very sick. We talked on the phone everyday prior to last week and now we hardly talk at all. No phone calls, very superficial texts and in general very impersonal. I worry about her and she has cut me off for the most part. It has gone as far as her texting love u 2 instead of I love you too. I know I am being a little needy, but I can’t help but think that our relationship may be stressing her as well. She has not said a word that it is, so I am assuming it is not. I know she wants her alone time. But she is not getting it from family and friends. I suppose she knows I understand, but I can’t help but feeling her distance herself from me. She has told me in the past she will push me away. Thats how she has broken up woth others, hates confrontation. I want to help, but don’t know how. At this point I’m not sure if I continue to give her space or if I should recognize that she is pushing me away. It’s been over a week and a half since I’ve seen her or since we’ve had a meaningful discussion. She does text everyday and she does say love u 2. But it just doesn’t feel the same.
    Any advice on what to do for this beautiful soul, I would appreciate it.

    • Brenda Knowles July 30, 2017 at 3:02 pm - Reply

      She may be emotionally overwhelmed and not have anything to give you. Supporting and comforting her are good options but it doesn’t sound like she is giving you a way to do that. I would read some of my posts on the avoidant attachment style and a recent post on feeling alone or inadequate. Whatever she needs to feel at ease is what you should do. She may need space and understanding or she may need her hand held and her shoulders rubbed. Texting can feel like interruptions and demands of attention that don’t give her real comfort. She may be feeling very down and not want you to see her like that. If you are to have a secure relationship she will have to be able to have difficult conversations with you, otherwise she will need more time away from you to avoid having to express her true feelings. Carrying heavy emotions around all the time is exhausting. Best of luck! If you need further guidance perhaps you or you and your partner could connect with me for coaching.

  8. Mark July 11, 2017 at 6:25 am - Reply

    I am just entering a relationship with an introvert. I really like her and want it to work. But the dating habits I have learned are of no use. Can you help me

    • Brenda Knowles July 11, 2017 at 12:08 pm - Reply

      I could definitely discuss with you what is going on and what is not working Mark. My number one advice is to figure out what comforts her and puts her at ease, then do that more. 🙂 If you want to have a deeper conversation, click on my coaching tab and fill out the contact form. I’d love to talk with you.

  9. Mia April 21, 2017 at 12:44 pm - Reply

    Sein Haendedruck sagt ihrer Hand: “Jetzt bin ich da, nur muede.
    Lass mich ganz bei dir sein, als waere ich allein.”
    Ihr Mund sagt seinem Nacken: “Ja. Ich weiss, was war und ist.
    Ich bin auch dann bei dir, wenn du alleine bist.”

    The pressing of his hand tells hers, “Now I am here, just tired.
    Let me be with you completely, as if I was alone.”
    Her mouth tells his neck, “Yes. I know what was and is.
    You are with me even when you are alone.”

    Unerhoerte Naehe – Outrageous closeness
    by Ulla Hahn, translation by me;)

    “We must be able to relax and recharge with you,” you state in the blog post. The poem above captures this thought very well, I think. Finding this is so very rare.

    Would it be alright to summarize my story and get some advice and feedback? My present relationship and probably last-ditch effort to actually respond to someone who loves me and to not grow old alone are at stake. The aspects that are unique about my story are that my introversion may be based on my nature but was definitely intensified by nurture or lack thereof. In addition, I have some anger in me toward my partner that makes this work harder.

    My mom had phobias and believed people (from neighbors to random strangers) were trying to poison us by planting toxins in the environment in various ways. In my childhood, I started as a child who was not allowed to eat at birthday parties, go on field trips, or participate in phy ed, etc. and instead had to pretend to be sick. I proceeded to being a teenager who, based on my mom’s pressure, quit school, stayed home or walked through the neighborhood in protective clothing, spoke a coded language with my mother, stopped washing myself (as the water was supposedly tampered with), and stole merchandise to have clothes and also to compensate. In my family, people did not touch each other because my mother thought everyone was contaminated, and we had no meals together but each ate our own, clinically prepared food in our room. My biggest goal was to remain sane, and my biggest hope was that social services would find me.

    Fast forward, I did stay sane, but I believe in addition to being an introvert, I now have attachment issues and a hate relationship with intimacy. In fact, I was diagnosed with PTSD based on emotional neglect, which I did not even know was a category. In my twenties, I literally slept around for a while and eventually entered a partnership and a marriage, each of which dissolved similarly. While the respective men had their own baggage, mine was clearly the need to isolate myself, remain 100% independent, and reject love as a four-letter word. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if I am actually capable of love.

    I raised two children by myself as a very low-income single mom. All three of us are well educated, and kids’ life was remarkably stable. We all are struggling with existential angst and depression, however. On line, I found a lovely man who wants to be my partner, and we click on so many levels. We had a pretty happy year in which we decided to move in together. Big threat to an introvert, but for the first time in my life I was actually able to articulate what makes me tick. Like many introverts, I am so relieved that we finally have public awareness of this trait being okay.

    Before living together, I told my partner that men tend to end up exasperated with me. I can do anything, be a mom, work three jobs, go to grad school, keep the house immaculate, and work out. But I cannot do that while someone else is watching me, waiting for me to slow down, sit on the couch, be fun. I cannot and will not feel guilty for being the Energizer bunny because that is how I define myself and what has helped me survive and succeed. I am all to used to experiencing the energy drain from the discrepancy of expectations, the guilt, and the fact that most men I have met end up living off my energy.

    So, he and I have this awareness, yet right now, live is exactly as described above. Many evenings were spent with him on the couch watching me like he was at a tennis match with me zipping back and forth with things that I truly did not want help with. He realized this and now takes on projects, which helps a little. In addition, he is relatively well-off financially, successful, and used to the finer things in life, whereas I have turned being minimalist and roughing it into a virtue.

    A big issue is that my partner fathered a child when he was 19, abandoned her and her mother, and remained non-involved until his adult daughter found him. Even then, and in general, he seemed complacent and self-absorbed, instead of making up for mistakes of the past. I ended up laying that out for him, in fact, I hurled 20 years of single parenting at him and said that men like him make life difficult for women like me and my children.

    Last weekend, I hit the wall. I had spend yet another weekend driving one child to a college visit and another back to college and providing a nice Easter for everyone on Sunday. My daughter is struggling with depression and is smoking weed, and my son is struggling with low self esteem and smoking weed, and he was just caught for that, too. All the while my partner enjoyed himself and, for example, went for an Easter walk by himself. I ended up crying for four hours, and this week, I am physically sick with body aches, sore throat, light-headedness, and an upset stomach, which I think is NOT due to the flu.

    This is where the story ends. My partner knows about my story and my introversion, I have shared this blog with him, and he is understanding and loving. My questions are: Is there hope for us to stay together? Am I “too” introverted and damaged? Is his past something I can learn to accept? I know eventually I can only answer this for myself, but I would absolutely like your feedback and readers’ comments as well. He is coming home tonight … Thank you in advance!

    • Brenda Knowles May 20, 2017 at 10:08 am - Reply

      Hi Mia, I apologize for the late late response. For some reason, I missed your comment. I’ll be honest with you. It sounds like there is a lot of work to be done or undone but I still feel there is hope for you and your partner. The number one thing is to find ways to connect and be a team. Help each other relax and feel safe. If you sense he is distressed, soothe him in a way he appreciates (verbal? non-verbal?). He can do the same for you. I am sure you were exhausted after your busy Easter weekend. You’re right. Your busy-ness is a way you define yourself and numb yourself from feeling too much. Look into counter-dependence and ways to alleviate it. I suggest Jonice Webb’s book, Running on Empty. You and your partner are different in many ways, but we all need comfort and care. Reach out, be vulnerable. Trust him with your vulnerabilities. Trust him to be there and responsible for you. His past is something he has to live with. Is he perhaps ashamed? Does shaming him change anything? I can’t answer those questions. Wishing you peace and warmth Mia.

      • Mia May 23, 2017 at 12:24 pm - Reply

        Hi Brenda!

        Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I know my message was lengthy, and you must receive a lot of stories and questions. I am so impressed that you take the time to answer people individually.

        Your response rings incredibly true, especially your observations that my partner is ashamed and shaming him will only make it more painful and that my busy-ness is a way I define and at the same time numb myself. Extremely insightful and well-put.

        I will take your advice to heart and buy the “Running on Empty” book on audible. Also, I will abstain from accusations and instead refocus on trying to connect and relax together.

        Thank you again, and I will definitely keep following your work and your blog. Warm wishes to you as well!

        • Brenda Knowles May 26, 2017 at 11:20 am - Reply

          Best wishes Mia!

          • Mia May 26, 2017 at 12:52 pm

            Thank you so much!

  10. David April 14, 2017 at 10:59 pm - Reply

    I’m introverted and my partner is extroverted. I cannot for the life of me get her to understand I need time alone. She thinks that means I’ll stay home while she goes grocery shopping. I need time. Lots of time sometimes. Not a couple of hours. The other issue is we live together. I cannot go to a room and be alone. I need to be completely alone in the house. Sometimes I need to sleep alone and wake up alone. How can I have a successful relationship when I need time alone with someone who lives with me? I can’t constantly tell her to go somewhere while I recharge. It’s not fair to her. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I love your articles by the way. Someone who can relate!

    • Brenda Knowles April 16, 2017 at 2:32 pm - Reply

      You are in a difficult spot. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve considered renting a hotel room or a cabin in the woods.:) Do you work from home? Could you? My work time at home during the day while everyone is gone is my salvation. I recommend the book Deep Work by Cal Newport. It talks about ways to squeeze in deep concentration time. Do you have an office to shut yourself in and put emails on auto-responder and your phone on do not disturb? Could you get up early in the morning for an hour or two of alone time, every day? Sleeping alone can be beneficial, although difficult request to make. Our sleep restores us and makes us more resilient to interactions and interruptions. Perhaps you could tuck your partner in at night in an intimate loving way and then sleep in a separate room.There has to be no chance she will bother you in the other bedroom, for this arrangement to work. She would have to agree to the plan and stick to it. Ultimately, each of you is going to have to build up your tolerance to each other’s needs. You will have to move toward her a little and give her reassurance that you love her, are not rejecting her, and will return to her more energized if you get alone time. She will have to not take your space needs personally. She will have to accept that to be your best self you need time alone in the house. Best of luck!

  11. Timothy December 7, 2016 at 10:40 am - Reply

    Very insightful article!
    I have been communicating via text/email with an introverted women for around 7 months now. We met online and we both have several things in common. I instantly felt a sense of connection with her. We met twice for coffee and although I really enjoyed meeting her, I noticed she seemed very nervous at first. She later told me she was in an ( physically) abusive relationship before and had a child with her ex. Although she is no longer with her ex, he is still in and out of her child’s life because, obviously, he wants to be able to see his child as well. She shared how stressful this situation is for her and I totally understand that, of course.
    Anyhow, we both agreed to keep communicating with each other and I told her that I am willing to explore the possibilities of our relationship. She is also willing. I notice that every time I suggest we go out for coffee she seems very nervous about the whole idea of meeting. She once told me it makes her nervous that most guys don’t want to be friends first. I told her that I understood and would be willing to get to know her and I respect that 100%. I usually text her once a week and when we do, we have deep, interesting conversations and it has been this way ever since the beginning. The other day, I asked her out again for coffee ( we live in separate cities, a few hours away) but this time, I sensed a certain uncertainty about us meeting on her part. She told me she wanted to meet and would let me know when. I mentioned how much I like texting her but that seeing her in person is much better…that is when she answered,”I prefer texting, there is way less pressure for so many reasons.”
    I texted her back saying that I understood if meeting for coffee was too stressful for her, and that I would never pressure her into doing anything.
    She did not reply…that’s not like her, she usually always gets back to me…not this time.
    So now, I’m actually thinking of giving her some space by not texting her for a few weeks.
    I’d really appreciate your advice! Thanks.

    • Brenda Knowles December 22, 2016 at 3:32 pm - Reply

      Hi Timothy. Sorry for my very slow response time. It sounds like she may have residual trauma from her last relationship. I hope she is in therapy. It’s difficult to work through that kind of trauma on your own. It may take her a long time to get past it. If she is worth the wait, small steps would probably work best. Are you two willing to talk on the phone? That would be more intimate than texting. A few hours apart is a significant commitment when you agree to meet each other. Mixed signals in the beginning always set off alarm bells for me, but I do not not know the depth of your interactions thus far. Proceed with caution is my advice. I would not say this is introversion at work, but attachment style and possibly PTSD. Best of luck.

  12. Brandon October 18, 2016 at 5:40 pm - Reply

    I JUST came across this website, and I have to admit, it’s like a veil was lifted from my eyes regarding my last relationship. I apologize in advance for the length of this post, as brevity is not my strong suit, and have had a lot on my mind.

    To start off, I am an ESTP/ENTP male and she was an INTJ female. She and I work out at the same gym, although at different times. A mutual friend of ours from there was having a going away dinner, and that is where we first spoke with each other. I was immediately attracted to her, physically and mentally. She was intelligent and had a certain air about her that I found intriguing and wanted to know more about her.

    We went out on our first date the next weekend and immediately hit it off. She was fun, outgoing, yet calm and collected. We shared so many common interests and our personalities complemented each other more than anyone else I’ve ever dated. I must admit, and it’s a tough thing for me to admit, I was enamored from the start. I’ve never had someone encompass the whole of my thoughts before. Dating people has been, I hate to say it, more of a conquest (wanting what is harder to obtain) or work (existing in a relationship, but not thriving). I have also only dated other extroverts in the past, I do not have any real experience with introverts.

    Her and I were hot right out of the gate. out of a month of dating, we only spent roughly 6 days apart from each other (as she lived only 10 minutes away). This was mutual, it was not one-sided. We would each contact each other with the desire to be with the other. I was so infatuated with her and we were each interested in seeing each other so often, that after the relationship ended, little things she had said started to rise to the surface in my mind, especially after reading this blog. It seems that this much time spent together may have inevitably led to our downfall.

    She told me via text at the beginning of the relationship, “My friends usually force me out of my cave of a room. Good to surround yourself with extroverts as an introvert.” Her best friend from grade school is a type-A ESTP personality like myself. Even more so I would say. I told her I couldn’t believe that she was an introvert as she was very comfortable in social situations, liked to travel, liked concerts, etc. (clearly I had no understanding of what an introvert was). I had the belief that they were only home bodies and did not like social situations. Obviously, I was very incorrect. She then responded, “Not many people do believe it because I can make conversation like a normal human, but yeah, complete home body, always have a strange sci fi book going haha the whole bit.”

    She had expressed to me that she had not been in a relationship for four years. When I had enquired as to why this was, she stated that she just liked to be alone. Now as for myself, I am an only child, I know about being alone, and I am quite comfortable with it. I have never needed to be in a relationship and for the most part, I haven’t been. I have been in maybe 4 in my entire life and 3 of them have only been for <4 months (I am currently 28). Prior to this, her only relationship lasted four years. I discovered that her ex boyfriend was in the armed forces and was never around. He would be around for a couple weeks, then be gone for months, then return, etc. This now makes sense to me as to how that relationship could have lasted so long.

    More things began to rise in my mind. I am a police officer, she told me that she likes men in uniform which makes sense as the majority are type-A extroverts. We texted each other every day, however, she expressed to me that it was tough for her to text me all the time (keep in mind, I was NEVER needy about texting back, when she got back to me, she got back to me). At one point as we were laying in bed she said to me that it was weird being in a relationship again. I asked why this was and she said that it was weird being with someone and relying on each other. She told me that she only has about three close friends that she hangs out with and sometimes she will withdraw from all of her friends and just be alone for a week or more, even with her best friend. Her best friend expressed to me that my ex has stated that once she said she wanted to travel to Thailand again (where she lived abroad). Her friend said, "That sounds like fun! I would totally be down to do that." To which my ex replied, "No, I mean myself, I wanna go alone." She also said that the thought of living with another person makes her uneasy (She lives at her parent's house, which is large, and who are rarely ever home). She also told me that her best friend texted her telling her to "communicate with me and not just ghost me and leave."

    Well, at the end of our relationship (that lasted a month and a week), she had two events planned. One was a camping trip with her father and brothers and the other was a concert with her best friend. She would be gone for 5 days. She stayed the night at my place before she left and everything was great, there were no signs of anything that was off. I assumed that she would not have any reception for these days as she was out in the woods, etc. so I wished her a safe trip before she left and then we didn't communicate until she got back.

    The day she returned from the concert, I asked how the concert was and asked her if she wanted to get together at night and have some dinner at my place and watch a movie, as I assumed she would be tired from the long trip. She only responded with, "probably gonna chill at home, don't wanna leave my cave." I said that was fine, I wanted to see her, but I understand if she just wanted to hang out at home. This was when I started feeling like something was up.

    Next day, I don't contact her at all, but then get a text around 9pm that says, "Can I stop by after work?" Alright, now this is when the hairs on the back of my neck raised up a bit. She has never just "stopped by" after work. She always went home first, showered, then came over and stayed the night. I said sure and asked if everything was alright as that last text sounded ominous. She said, "Yeah!" This made me feel reassured, but little did I know what I was in for.

    She stopped by, gave me a kiss, and sat on the couch. I asked what was going on and she said she didn't think we should continue seeing each other. She stated that the last couple weeks she had been "forcing" herself to come see me. Keep in mind, only a week prior to this she stared at me in my eyes while laying in bed and told me that she "really liked me." She said that we got along great and had so much in common and that physically everything was great as well, but she said that she viewed me as an "old friend, most likely because we get along so well." She then went on to say that, "I thought if I saw you more, then those feelings would come, but they haven't." She told me it was absolutely nothing that I did, and that I was sweet. Well, obviously that was a cop-out. A friend that you get along with so easily it's no work at all AND you're physically compatible with? That sounds to me like what people look for in a lifelong partner. Anyway, I was so blindsided by this that I really didn't have anything to say, told her that if that was the case and she had already made up her mind, that nothing I could say would convince her. I wished her the best and she left.

    I made the mistake of contacting her about three weeks after it ended and attempted to salvage any form of a relationship (as friends), but she said that she didn't think it would be a good idea as she did not want one of us (implying me) to catch feelings. I was not needy in any way, just simply initiated with small talk and asked if we could still hang out. She still goes to my gym, so I'm sure I'll run into her at some point, and we are still friends on social media.

    I was crushed. I've never felt this way about a girl before (let alone only after a month). Was I blind? Was I so infatuated with her that I didn't see that she didn't feel the same about me? No, I don't think that was the case. SHE was the one who initiated the talk with me that we were exclusive. SHE was the one who told me that she was asked out by another guy at work and told him off because she was serious with another guy and wasn't going to go out with someone else. SHE was the one who talked about doing things together in the future. Being a police officer, I'm pretty good at noticing people's nonverbal cues, how they speak to me, etc. regarding whether they're being truthful or not. I felt like there must be something else going on here, but what? How could everything be going so mutually well between us, then all of a sudden….nothing?

    I got my first clue from a family friend who asked me how things with her were going. I told her exactly what had happened, mentioned nothing about her being an introvert, and she asked me, "is she an introvert?" I didn't think much of it, but told her she said she was and asked her how she knew. She explained to me that she is an introvert and it sounds exactly how she acted while dating when she was younger before she really understood herself. I then spoke with a coworker of mine (who is ESTP) whose wife is an introvert and explained the situation. He told me that it sounds like we spent too much time together and that she didn't have enough time between hanging out with me and her other friends to decompress and just be alone.

    So, if you're still with me, this is where I'm at. The wound has mostly healed, yet the desire to be with her obviously still remains. I really like her, our personalities mesh very well, I feel like I lost a friend. So here are my questions: Am I trying to replace the fact that she just really doesn't feel that way for me with the fact that she's an introvert as a coping mechanism? Or does this hit home with those who are introverts? Is there any chance of salvaging a relationship with this girl? I feel like we didn't get our real shot at it as I didn't truly understand how an introvert's personality is, and the communication on her end just wasn't there, or I didn't see it at the time. If there is a possibility that the relationship can be salvaged, how much time should I give her before reaching out? And should I explain all of this to her if I do? Or would that make her shut down? She's an amazing girl, and it feels bad that this didn't work out, but if it could work out and I didn't at least try, that would be a tragedy. Thank you in advance for any comments or advice you can provide.

    • Brenda Knowles October 19, 2016 at 11:01 am - Reply

      Welcome to space2live! I’m glad you gained some insight while reading my posts. Your ex-girlfriend seems to have a lot of characteristics of an introvert. As a female INTJ, she has even more unique introverted traits. Female INTJs are very rare. She may often feel like an outsider. You mentioned her hanging out with her dad and brothers. She may feel more comfortable with men as friends. Her dominant function, Ni, introverted intuition requires a lot of quiet time in order to process input and make predictions of what will happen next. Her personality type alone will cause her to ask for space. She probably has very high standards for herself and others. She needs to get things done effectively to feel competent.
      The other words you used to describe her make me think she is also a classic avoidant attachment style. Avoidant style individuals have a fear of intimacy and dependency. When things start to get close and intimate they may consciously or subconsciously create distance in the relationship. They are afraid of rejection. Relationships in the past may have given them reason to believe that needing someone is bad or a step toward painful rejection or disappointment. I’ve written a few posts in recent months about attachment styles. I suggest you search for them on (start with avoidant attachment style) and let me know if they resonate with your relationship with Ms. INTJ.If she is ready to learn about herself and grow within a relationship, there could be a future together. If she is not open to committing to the work and discoveries of a relationship then you will have a hard time creating a fulfilling future with her. Hope that is helpful. Thanks for sharing your story.

      • Brandon October 19, 2016 at 3:01 pm - Reply

        Thank you very much, Brenda. You responded so quickly! I am impressed. I appreciate your input and again, I apologize for the long post, but it was like a light clicked on in my brain, everything made so much more sense, and my keyboard was the outlet lol. I read your post on Avoidant Attachment Style, and some parts of that definitely resonated with me regarding our relationship. I will most likely buy the book “Attached” as well to more thoroughly understand it. It is basically just disappointing to me that I learned about all of this after the relationship had ended instead of during the relationship when I could have better understood her needs, as I was clueless at the time. You are most likely correct when you say that she may feel more comfortable with men as friends. She has a good relationship with her brothers and told me she used to mainly hang out with them and their male friends while growing up. Her parents are divorced, but I don’t know the circumstances so I don’t know if that may be a contribution to being avoidant. I hope in the future that she is willing to at least meet up and hear me out at some point. I think I will probably give it about three months as that will be the start of the new year and will have been enough time apart to possibly reconnect fresh with an open mind. I’m not the type of person who likes to half-ass things, and I just feel like I wasn’t able to give her what she deserved since I was so uninformed. But sometimes that’s life! To quote Epicurus, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” The latter has never been more true. Thank you again for your reply.

        • Brenda Knowles October 19, 2016 at 7:02 pm - Reply

          Please don’t beat yourself up regarding the timing of your gained knowledge. She would have to be receptive to your understanding as well. She may not be ready for that yet. You sound like a wise, curious man. Your insight will serve you well in future relationships. I love the Epicurus quote!

  13. Lisa September 14, 2016 at 10:35 am - Reply

    I was in a relationship for almost three years with an introvert (I’m either an omnivert or an introvert who, by one of Jung’s theories, spent so much time alone not by choice that I exhibit extrovert behaviors) . He was also emotionally unavailable. They’re not the same, although he blamed many of his “bad boyfriend” traits on being an introvert. In addition to his dislike of small talk, he could not open up about his feelings or discuss anything deep or meaningful. I was meted out a few hours a week for us to spend time together. He didn’t enjoy physical intimacy. Trying to be up for him all the time as the “good introvert partner” was exhausting and ended up bringing me down, and his frustration that I couldn’t be the perfect partner dragged him down. I guess this is a cautionary tale that when someone says they are an introvert, don’t make excuses or dismiss their behaviors as “typical introversion” if they are hurtful or distant. Introversion might not be the issue.

    • Brenda Knowles September 18, 2016 at 2:39 pm - Reply

      Right on Lisa! Being introverted does not mean you get to be an unresponsive, minimally committed partner and expect your mate to accept and understand. You still are part of the relationship. You still need to be mature and loving. Thanks for making your point.

  14. Ash September 6, 2016 at 1:50 pm - Reply

    Hi Brenda,

    Thanks for your response. How long do you think I can wait before I reach out to him? I was thinking of waiting out a week to 10 days before I reach out again. Would that be sufficient time for him to recover? I really enjoyed hanging out with him and honestly if I can be friends with him, I would trade anything to have that.

    As a side, when introverts get angry and yell, is it usually a lucid argument or do they do they say things on the spur of the moment? Sometimes extroverts (in this case me) can say things out aloud when they are upset but not always rational, and at a later point they reassess and come to think differently. I’m trying to understand more on how introverts function and anything you have to contribute will be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks again!


    • Brenda Knowles September 10, 2016 at 12:55 pm - Reply

      Sorry I’m just getting back to you Ash. You were seeing each other for a few weeks? I would wait a week or so, then contact him. If you’re truly happy with just being friends then a reach out makes sense. Introverts generally think before speaking but if they are highly stressed they may lash out without fully formulating their words. Good luck!

  15. Ash September 5, 2016 at 8:53 am - Reply

    Hi Brenda,

    Sorry I cut off my previous message to you. Thanks for writing this beautiful article. I have been seeing this very introverted guy for the last few weeks and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. However his communication dwindled over the last week and being the very social extrovert I am, it got me all angsty coz I misconstrued his silence for not being interested. Turns out he was extremely busy at work and just needed his down time and my incessant texting/calling pissed him off. He now wants noting to do with the relationship and doesn’t want me to pursue any form of communication with him. I do however like him a LOT, as a friend (the physical intimacy is also amazing) and am hoping he will give me a second chance. Is there any way I can get his to respond to my communication and in the process not anger his anymore? Or do you think I’m better off respecting his space and leaving him alone? Also, are introverts known to change their mind and reinitiate communication?

    Thanks of any pointers you may have. I greatly appreciate your assistance.


    • Brenda Knowles September 6, 2016 at 12:45 pm - Reply

      Do you think you could be satisfied with someone who needs/likes so much space? I always caution giving up too much of who you are for a partner.
      He may have felt your energy and frequent communication as overwhelming. I would give him space and time and then approach him softly by sending an email or text saying you would like to at least maintain a friendship. I would start there, but for now, it sounds like he wants a break from you.:(

  16. Kalil May 26, 2016 at 12:59 am - Reply

    Hey Brenda,

    Love reading your articles and thoughts – very interesting stuff.

    Seeking your thoughts on a current situation. I’m an extrovert who recently fell for a introverted coworker. Truthfully I felt she wasn’t introverted around me at all – we had great conversations, joked around and talking to her when we were together was a breeze.

    Timing was not ideal, she is with someone and while I couldn’t help the connection I felt with her I knew that was the luck of the draw.

    What complicated things were many people around us saw the connection, they’d make comments to us on the side — some even told me they knew she liked me but wouldn’t do anything because she was still with someone.

    This led to a mistake I made of having that up-front conversation about how I felt. While hanging out one night I just decided to confront her about it. I told her how I felt and that I was hoping there could be something more to our connection. She seemed instantly caught off guard and said she couldn’t consider the idea while with someone.

    This left me babbling and trying to express myself in the right way but I really didn’t know how. Truthfully, I didn’t want her to cheat on the guy or anything but I didn’t want to just idly stand on the sidelines without her at least knowing how I feel.

    Fast forward a few days and I just feel horrible. We still talk, but much less frequently. She seems guarded around me and it’s killing me. Reading your blog I feel that I was giving her positive energy and she was doing the same to me, but now I feel like a burden.

    Any advice? I care deeply about her, and I’m willing to put in the work to fix things I just don’t know how. Should I not bring that event up again and just slowly work on developing our friendship again? Or should I straight up apologize for putting her in an awkward situation?

    • Brenda Knowles May 26, 2016 at 9:31 am - Reply

      I wouldn’t beat yourself up about sharing your feelings with her. It was honest, vulnerable and worth taking the chance to find out her feelings. Introverts like to be prepared. We don’t speak well off the cuff. You probably did catch her off guard. Does it seem like she is really into the man she’s seeing? Let the situation settle down. My gut says slowly rebuilding the friendship is the way to go. It doesn’t mean it won’t turn into something more, but that seems like the gentle kind of approach that will ease her mind and open her up again. Be kind and friendly but not overtly flirty. Let her take the lead from here. Will you be alright just being friends? If not and it doesn’t develop into a relationship, you might have to consider how you can make your work environment comfortable again. Good luck! You sound like a genuine and caring person. I’m rooting for you.:)

  17. SS May 24, 2016 at 3:12 pm - Reply

    Hi Brenda,

    I consider myself to have an out-going personality and have been (was) in a relationship for the last 6 months with an introvert. In my mind, our relationship was proceeding very nicely; we spend, on average, 2 evenings every week. We usually spent time by ourselves (movie, dinner, walks) or with friends (mostly mine). My guy would occasionally make a comment about how tired he was at the end of the evening but other than making a teasing comment about not being able to keep up with me (we are in our 50s), I would dismiss it. Until I started reading your column a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t understand how introverts functioned and my guy never really communicated that he was mentally drained.

    Well, a few weeks ago, he called me to say that he didn’t have energy for this relationship anymore. I was totally blindsided since I didn’t know he was being drained by our relationship. He is a great guy and I had developed deep feelings for him; he made me happy. I would also ask him each week if there was anything we needed to discuss and he would tell me that all was fine. He was going away on a trip with his buddies and wanted time to think things through. So, I respected his need for space and didn’t contact him until 4 days after his return. I left him a voice mail asking him to please call me back so that we can discuss our relationship. During the time he was gone, I had been reading about introvert-extrovert relationships and had a better understanding about how each of us functioned and our needs. This is what I wanted to discuss with him. He never called me back, so I wrote him a letter a few days later just to let him know my thoughts and feelings. It’s been a week and I have not heard a single word from him. When we were dating, we would touch base at least every couple of days either by text or phone.

    I am wondering if there’s anything else I can do to let him know how much I care for him and admire him? Or, is this a lost cause? Please advice ‘coz I have deep feelings for him. Thank you!

    • Brenda Knowles May 24, 2016 at 4:24 pm - Reply

      I’m disappointed your introverted friend didn’t give you more of an explanation. He may have had some shame around not being able to keep up with your energy but that is not a real excuse for not honestly and effectively communicating to you what happened. For some highly sensitive introverts, conflict or confrontation is downright painful. When you wrote him the letter did you tell him you’d done research about introversion? If not, I would say sending him another note or leaving him a message about what you’ve learned couldn’t hurt. If you did mention it and he still didn’t respond I’d say he’s not interested in working through things with you. One other question, has he gone through a particularly stressful time recently? Stress is very stimulating and draining for an introvert. It can cause us to withdraw. If there was stress prior to your breakup there may be hope for you two once he’s come back to himself and gotten out of the grip of stress. Then you would have to see if you could learn how to handle stress together. Best of luck. I’m sorry he’s hurt you. Introversion is not an excuse to be inconsiderate.

      • SS May 25, 2016 at 6:57 am - Reply

        Hi Rachel,

        Thanks for your response and advice. I did mention in the letter that I’ve come to realize that he is an introvert and now have a better understanding of his needs. He is/was going through a stressful time prior to our break-up – mainly work related – and I acknowledged that in the letter as well.

        I feel I have no closure which I need in order to move on. I was thinking about giving him a couple of more weeks and then reaching out to him one last time. If you think this wouldn’t hurt, should it through a letter or in-person?

        I am so glad that I found your blog – it’s given me an understanding that I didn’t have before.

        • SS May 25, 2016 at 8:14 am - Reply

          Sorry, I meant to address my reply to Brenda and not Rachel!

        • Brenda Knowles May 25, 2016 at 10:45 am - Reply

          I understand your need for closure. It looks like you might not get it. My suggestion is to not take his behavior personally. It is his choice to end things without communicating conscientiously. There is something going on within him that keeps him from reaching out vulnerably and giving you closure. If you absolutely have to contact him again, even though it appears he is not interested in giving you closure, I would send a letter or email stating that you are seeking closure for yourself so that you can learn and move on.

          • SS May 25, 2016 at 11:44 am

            Thank you for your insight. Since I wrote the previously mentioned letter as a form of closure for me, I will not contact him again. I have learned tremendously from this experience and will prepare to move on.

  18. Rachel April 27, 2016 at 9:00 pm - Reply


    Thank you for your courage to be vulnerable and share your deepest thoughts with us. I can not fully express my gratitude for your words, for they have given me a new perspective. I’m an ambivert ENFP and I am dating an INTJ. We’ve been dating for 10 months now and I love him. I told him early on the way that I felt and he has been hesitant to reciprocate my feelings until he was sure about them. In December, we were at a point where I thought we were over. He said that he didn’t feel as strongly as he felt like he should and that he is hesitant to dive in because what if something terrible happens down the road and he leaves me into our marriage or something. I told him that I still loved him and that I wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. Also that he should really try to stay present instead of combating non existent problems. Lol He agreed. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that we should talk on the phone every night and spend more time together. I originally vetoed this plan because I felt like he needed space and that wouldn’t help. So it’s been 10 months and we’re doing good together! He says he feels really good about us! I have these moments with him where he feels really close and that I’m getting all of him then he pulls away and I am hurt and confused. I feel like he feels that getting close to me somehow he will lose himself, that he will be trapped by me. I like to verbally communicate how I feel what I like about him and I also like to text him everyday. He expresses himself through actions and touch opposed to words. It has led to some insecurities on my part because I feel like we’re progressing in our relationship. Then he doesn’t reciprocate verbally or ignores my feelings because he’s not ready to say I love you back. It causes me so much pain. He just isn’t the best at expressing himself that way but is great in other ways when we’re together. ive been spending weekends at his house. We usually see each other once a week and sometimes more. So it’s good when we can be present with one another. Two weekends ago we were physical for the first time which he said was a big deal for him and it was for me too. Everything was great! This past weekend I spent with him and Sunday he seemed like his tank was getting empty. He said he just needed some time. I asked if there was anything wrong and he said no were good. But that he would see me Thursday and one day on the weekend. I felt like I did something wrong to make him pull away. And then after reading your article I felt like there has been times where I’ve given him the impression that he has failed me but not giving me the communication and closeness that I crave. I don’t want to hold myself back from being vulnerable anymore and I don’t want him to feel like he has to either. I love him! I want to be better at loving him the way he needs, and I want him to feel understood and accepted. I fear that he will leave and he fears that I will over run him and he feels my fear about him too. How can I show him that he can have as much space as he feels like he needs but that intimacy and love doesn’t want all of his solitude? How do I make him feel like he doesn’t need that much space? How do I settle the anxiety I have when he pulls away.

    Sorry for the ridiculously long explanation.

    • Brenda Knowles April 28, 2016 at 2:35 pm - Reply

      You guys are in the power struggle stage. It happens after the honeymoon phase. It starts when one or both of you feels like the relationship has a sense of permanence. Usually one or both of you will try to regain independence. The key is to hang on to your own integrity while hanging on to your partner. You have to know that periodically you will have to lean on each other but if you meet each other’s intimacy needs then each of you will feel safer as the other one ventures out on their own for a while. You will have each other as a secure home base but get to act independently too. You will have arguments. That’s good. You will disagree on closeness requirements. That’s OK. The most important thing is to feel emotionally safe with your partner. You have to trust that they won’t abandon, attack or engulf you. They have your best interest at heart. You’re playing on the same team. One sure way to create intimacy is to be vulnerable – capable of being emotionally wounded – with each other. That will foster solid communication. Make sure you listen to each other deeply. Let each other speak until there is no more to say. Don’t interrupt each other. Create a safe space to talk. No judging or attacking, just effective communication to get needs met. I suggest you go over the different kind of attachment styles together. The post I wrote on avoidant attachment should be helpful too. Check out the ways to create a secure relationship at the bottom of that post. Hope you find some insight and relief in those suggestions. Best of luck!

  19. Seeking Knowledge April 25, 2016 at 2:24 pm - Reply


    I am an extrovert and my sweetheart is an introvert. I recently had to leave home to take care of my terminally ill father. Needless to say I had a barrage of emotions going on at the same time. He was very supportive and although he would miss me very much he knew I needed to be with my father. He texts me very often. I talk to him everyday, sometimes several times a day. He tells me his misses me and misses spending time together.
    So here is the deal. We recently planned some time together for us to meet up for my birthday in Vegas. We stayed in a beautiful resort and it seemed magical. Although I believe we enjoyed ourselves it seemed a little different between us. He didn’t seem to be as attentive as he usually is. I felt he didn’t seem to miss me as much as I thought he did. Is it the distance that has put some distance between us? He mentioned that he tries to put himself in a place of denial (or something to that effect) so he won’t be disappointed that he can’t just come and see me when he wants to or spend time with me when he wants to. He says he does this to make it easier. I do understand the need to have some space to think and reflect. I feel he really needs to spend some time alone seeing that he has had several things going on in his life before our trip. There were several family deaths, he was finishing a paper for his Masters Program, he is heavily involved with various churches. He was and is under a lot of stress. On the vacation I made it clear that we had no agenda, this trip was just to lay back, rest and relax. I almost feel that maybe we shouldn’t have taken a trip together. Maybe he should have taken a trip by himself to rejuvenate. I am just feeling all kinds of vibes and not sure how I should handle it. I am an extrovert and considerate it very important to me to spend quality time with the one I love. I am feeling very overpowered with emotions , this is very challenging for me.

    • Brenda Knowles April 27, 2016 at 5:32 pm - Reply

      Hi SK. There is a definite ebb and flow in relationships regarding emotional closeness. It’s important to maintain your own integrity while you stay connected to the relationship. It sounds like you tried to make the Vegas trip low key but it wasn’t for him. Vegas is kind of an ON city, meaning it never shuts down and there is lots of stimulation, but I know you can make it your own by enjoying the quieter spots by the pool, in your room, at the many amazing restaurants, etc.
      When you talk or text, how does the conversation go? Do you have deep conversations or is it mostly what each of you are doing? You said he initiates the texts. If there are too many phone calls and texts without a lot of substance they can feel like interruptions. Interruptions are hard for introverts.
      He may have had some space to himself and figured out he really needs that and then when you got together it was hard to go back to constant contact. It will take an adjustment period to get back to normal. Are you feeling anxious about being away from each other? Do you need more reassurance that everything is good? Have you told him that? It’s OK and even a good thing if you can effectively communicate with him what you need. You can say the physical distance has made you a little uneasy and you feel like he’s pulling back a little. You may want to read the post I did two weeks ago: Introvert Relationships: Avoidant Attachment Style.
      Did you ask him if he needs some time to himself? I give you a lot of credit for understanding he may need that. He may need reflection time to sort out all of the changes/experiences that have occurred recently.
      Hope those questions and suggestions give you some guidance. Let me know how things go. Best wishes and thanks for sharing your story.

  20. Thomas March 9, 2016 at 2:56 pm - Reply

    Wow! The fact you actually reply, and so quickly, is really remarkable. Thank you. To answer your question, I think she has realized she likes being alone. No one to expect communication, negotiation, time demands, emotional energy. I think she feels she is happier when she is only responsible for herself. This was NOT the person she portrayed while we dated / were engaged … we were best friends who did everything together. For much of our short marriage she has been increasingly distant as she said being together made her increasingly anxious. Despite feeling like I’ve tried “everything” to connect, it obviously hasn’t produced the best results. I tend to be quite wordy and have had to learn the hard way that doesn’t work for her or our relationship. I think the odds of her returning this time are very slim, and I’m wondering if during our separation giving her space & letting her set the pace is ultimately best.

    • Brenda Knowles March 10, 2016 at 11:30 am - Reply

      I’m sorry your marriage took an unexpected turn. My original suggestion was to give her space but also let her know you have grown and learned a few things about her nature. It would be nice if you could work together to figure out how to have a relationship that works for both of you. It may not be conventional (living in two different homes even??), but learning and growing together as a couple and as individuals. I hope she gives your relationship the chance to evolve. She may be highly sensitive and the consistent presence of someone else and their energy may be overwhelming or she just may not be developed enough to work through the tough times.

  21. Thomas March 9, 2016 at 1:14 pm - Reply

    Brenda … my very introverted wife separated twice in our first year. The first time six months into the marriage she blamed me for everything. I had some things to own and got to work to address each issue. She returned a few weeks later but left again a few months later claiming commitment simply didn’t work for her (made her too anxious) and her needs (she couldn’t identify) weren’t being met. She has been gone for a couple months now and I’m wondering is there any way to reconnect / rekindle with an introvert? I love my wife and am praying for a miracle but not sure if zero contact (no texting, etc.) is best idea. Any thoughts for this mildly “needy” extrovert who misses his extremely “independent” introvert?

    • Brenda Knowles March 9, 2016 at 1:41 pm - Reply

      Hi Thomas. Did your wife get overwhelmed with stimulation and lack of time to herself? Those could make her anxious. I would consider sharing some articles on introversion and high sensitivity with her (possibly ones from because they are personal and may be relatable to her). When she goes away does she go off by herself or does she go and find someone else to live with? The key is for her to be able to relax and get into a content flow state when you are around. If she can get energized from conversations with you or be able to read/work with you in the house then there is hope. You could send her an email or a hand-written letter. I would keep it short and simple but let her know you are open to learning how to work together. You want the relationship to be sustainable. Ask her what’s going on in her world. Hopefully, she will ask what’s going on in yours. If she asks then be prepared to be open, honest and vulnerable but not so long-winded that she feels engulfed. I don’t like telling people what to do. Every relationship is unique but the main thing is to let your wife know you want her to grow and be her true self. You also have to follow through on that with your actions. She should want the same for you. You were put together to help each other heal and learn. It will take work but you both will benefit. Approach her softly. Best of luck.

  22. Liz February 15, 2016 at 9:02 pm - Reply

    I know this might go against the grain… I’m both introvert with extrovert tendencies.
    I have to say that the introvert says they don’t want drama but they often cause drama and turn out to be high maintenance because they are so rigid.

    • Brenda Knowles February 16, 2016 at 9:02 am - Reply

      I would somewhat agree. I guess the word I have trouble with is ‘rigid’. Is honoring your needs or expressing how you feel being rigid? There is a line where people become high maintenance. I’m not sure exactly where that is. I think it varies for different people. If you have to have things a certain way all the time and you have no flexibility then perhaps you are rigid. I know for myself if I don’t ask for the space I need to recharge then I am not the best partner I can be. Without that space I am tired, empty and easily upset or irritated. I think extroverts are high maintenance when they need a lot of interactionor but I also understand that is what fills them up. There is a fine line between being true to yourself and being demanding or inflexible. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

      • Liz March 1, 2016 at 6:23 am - Reply

        I’m an introvert and am able to express what I need when I need it in a kind and loving way. However, since I started dating an introvert who can’t seem to do that, it’s been challenging and has led to me not acting authentically or spontaneously.
        He wants affectionate when he wants it but then can’t express when…and he can’t spontaneously express it…I’m supposed to figure it out and if I don’t there’s something wrong with me. He’s always watching what I’m doing, where I’m sitting, etc. as if it’s all some sort of statement about him and the relationship. I can’t act from an authentic place. He doesn’t like to take action for fear of rejection…so I’m supposed to take the action?

        Extroverts are draining, and I’ve dated them, but introverts to the extreme can be equally so. I’ve never felt like an extrovert in my life until dating this guy.

  23. Avyanna February 14, 2016 at 10:32 am - Reply

    Wow, I’ve read a lot about Introverts and this is the first Article I’ve read that hasn’t seemed “recycled,” if you will, from others. By that I mean they all say pretty much the same thing they just say it differently. This article gave me several “WOW” moments by touching on things I’ve experienced, but have never seen written before. For example:

    “The Space Between”

    “I read somewhere that it’s the space between times with a special person that encourages an introvert to fall in love. Their internal replays and daydreams are so pleasure rich that the relationship is enhanced.”

    This has not been my experience with ALL of my Love relationships!!!! The replaying of certain parts, the reflecting. All of that. Sometimes I almost enjoyed that much more than actually being with the person all of the time. Space away made my heart grow fonder. Too much and the relationship died on the vine.

    I can’t wait to dive into all the other articles. So glad I found a Blog that didn’t touch upon the ‘same ole, same ole.’ I’m a veracious reader and learner. Great pleasure to find some new information. Thank You!

    • Brenda Knowles February 14, 2016 at 5:50 pm - Reply

      I’m so glad space2live resonated with you. I think my introvert posts are different because they are based on my personal stories. Thank you for your kind words. That ‘space between’ interacting with a love interest is so delicious. It gives us time to re-live and sort out the memories. The space creates longing and the chance to miss someone. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.

    • Avyanna February 14, 2016 at 6:54 pm - Reply

      I was so excited that when I re-read my post I meant to say “This HAS been by experience with all of my love relationships.” I’m sure people understood this, but the ‘perfectionist’ had to correct it. I think it is brave of you to tell the ‘Good, Bad and the Ugly” of what we Introverts experience. I feel it’s been sugar coated too much. Maybe that’s because people are now finding out that they are Introrverts. That is perfectly fine. I knew I was different since the ’60’s. I was TOLD I was different and treated accordingly. I grew up in a family of 7 siblings of which I was the only Introvert. My Father, God rest his Soul, was an Introvert. He died when I was young, but I understand him more than I do any of my living Extroverted relatives today. There is so much I could share about being an Introvert for over a half a Century, but I realize baby steps. In reading your Blog/ Website I am finally seeing I was never alone. For that I thank you immensely!

      • Brenda Knowles February 15, 2016 at 8:32 am - Reply

        You, no doubt, have a wealth of knowledge and experience about being an introvert. I love your acceptance and peace about it. How did you feel about being told you were different and then being treated differently because of it? I wonder if it’s easier to understand early on that you are of a different temperament. Did you feel like the odd man out? Was your nature respected in your childhood home? Thanks for sharing your experience Avyanna.:) Would you mind if I quoted some of your comments in a testimonial or when describing my writing?

        • Avyanna February 17, 2016 at 4:57 pm - Reply

          By all means I would not mind at all for you to share. Knowledge is power. I wish I had ANY knowledge growing up.

          Being an Introvert I can express myself much better with writing than I can speaking. I know I can get too ‘wordy,’ so please forgive me, ( actually I had a much longer reply written out, but I’ll save that for another time).

          Over a half of a Century of not knowing who you intrinsically are and believing something is inherently wrong with you there is much to share.

          I’ll start with the first experience I remember

          I was a small, blonde haired child and what I remember being very young was getting A LOT of attention from all sorts of grown-ups. Not only was I precocious for my age, an accomplished ballet dancer starting at the age of 3. I was also musically gifted and played the Violin at 5. But, at the risk of sounding vain…I’m anything but… I was constantly told I was a “beautiful” child and everyone it seemed wanted a piece of me.

          Please know as a young girl I had no idea why all this attention was being lavished upon me by complete strangers.

          All that attention overwhelmed me. There was always somebody coming up to me and hugging me and talking to me and inviting me over.

          I remember thinking to my young self “What is the matter with me? I’m getting all this positive attention that most children would love to have bestowed on them and I felt like I was being smothered!” So I quit everything. The dancing that was my passion. The Violin that was my Heart.

          With that I lost the respect of my Mother whom I believe to this day still has not gotten over ‘what could have been.’

          Only now after all these years was it my Introverted and HSP self that was on extreme overload with never getting a break around people. I wasn’t a bad child. I was drowning and I had all these adults around me, but they were sinking me more.

          After that I was told I was a rude, thankless brat by all those adults whom “loved” me. I never said anything mean to anyone. I just needed SPACE!!!

          In school (and at home) I was very much seen as ‘the odd man out.” When I was in Elementary school up until Jr. High (middle school) I was severely bullied. That meant not only verbal abuse, but physical beatings from other kids for being different.

          The teachers liked me because I was quiet and gave them no problems.

          Shyness was never a problem with me either. I loved reading and books from an early age.

          Home life I was also made fun of being different by my siblings and my Mother. They thought they could change me, therefore I spent decades thinking something was inherently wrong with me and that I COULD be changed.

          Most of my Love Relationships I was told the same. It seemed I’ve always attracted Extroverts. In fact, I was, (still am), so out-going in public that I and everybody around me thought I was the most out-going extroverted person they met…Go Figure. But it sure explains why those relationships did not work out because I would need that inevitable ‘downtime,’ not knowing why at all, and it just served to confuse the both of us and eventually lead to the demise of the relationship. These weren’t ‘bad’ men either. So many “If Only’s?”

          If only the information was available back then like it is today so many, myself included, could have been helped greatly. I’ve suffered severe depression for spending decades thinking something was really wrong with me. I knew I was different (I’m also an Empath and an HSP) so that only added to my feelings of isolation.

          I’ve worked in my State’s Metal Health System and I’ve known woman whom have also suffered severe depression. I also knew why because I instantly recognized their feelings and stories in my own.

          But nobody knew. Sadly, for some it led to the point of Suicide. These were women who would now be my age or older whom also had no access to this info, but they took their lives when they young mothers.

          Brenda, I’ve read everything I have been able to get my hands on regarding this topic and also on being an Empath and HSP as I’m discovering there is overlap. There is SO much more to know and I know I can share so much more that I’ve not seen mentioned anywhere else. I would just like to thank you again and recognize you for hitting on some tougher topics than most do.

          • Avyanna February 17, 2016 at 5:07 pm

            Sorry for the long reply. For some reason it actually posted my “Longer” version reply than my much shorter one. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how that happened. It wasn’t checked for errors or misspellings so please for give me.

            The kids are all at home now so I’m a bit discombobulated.

  24. Katie September 10, 2015 at 5:00 pm - Reply

    2014 I became a mother and have struggled to understand why I felt so drained (other than having less sleep). I have struggled keeping other people in my life, besides my husband, close to me. I look around me now and realize that I can go months without further social contact with other people besides my husband and 14 month old. I came across this post today after months of soul searching, removing all people from my life and looking to replace them with truly meaningful people. I don’t realize how long it has been since I hung out with someone until I think back and wow I have literally gone 6+ months without talking to someone. It doesn’t bother one bit but it does make connecting with people and making lasting relationships difficult. Do you have any suggestions for someone who truly is content without other people? I want to try but find it exhausting just thinking about having to make small talk with someone to strike up a conversation…

    • Brenda Knowles September 12, 2015 at 11:50 am - Reply

      Do you feel bad about not wanting extra people in your life? Part of me thinks if you are content with your husband and child as your sole companions then so be it. Sometimes we feel pressure to be belong to more social circles than we may need. Give yourself time and flexibility. If you are truly content with very little outside interaction and that works for your family as well, then enjoy your life.

      What I have found personally is, the longer I isolate myself with minimal socializing, the harder it is to get back out in the swing of things. When my kids got to school-age I really needed a break from them. Their energy wore me out. I relied on my girlfriends for understanding and a laugh or two. If you eventually feel like you would like to have one or two close relationships outside of your family, I would suggest putting time into a passion or hobby that feeds your soul. Not only does that give you built in conversation fodder but it also links you with like-minded individuals who won’t spend as much time and energy in small talk.

  25. anythingbutordinary22 August 17, 2015 at 12:21 pm - Reply

    definitely need some help here. My introvert relationship is a tough one (I am the extrovert). I met someone who happens to work in nightlife who is an introvert (yes, odd) at a high level position. I myself work in a high level position within publications. I remember our first date back in December: it was me asking all the questions and him deeply thinking. I liked him because he was quiet and I didn’t need to speak to feel comfortable. We would see each other 3-4 times a week and became official I think in like March. It is always me who texts him every day, who makes the plans etc. I always ask how he is- he never asks how I am and well it’s because I simply tell him. Around April his job got a bit harder and it has been having us see each other less. But even on text the conversations are just kind of check ins, nothing even meaningful. I feel if I do not tell him about my day or ask for his opinion or if he likes something (I work with fashion a lot) that he won’t bother to contact me. I by the way am always the cool calm and collected girlfriend, never pressuring him. He knows all of my friends, I barely know his. And it’s always me giving, me doing it all. He really used to attempt to pursue me- I guess this was him putting up the ‘act’ before I realized what he is.

    He is friendly with my big brother who studied psychology and always told me that my guy was an introvert. Now, do I know what an introvert is? Yes, however I never dealt with one. To fast forward: we finally had a talk 3 weeks ago where he verbally said that he only wants to see me and really cares about me but he likes to spend time with himself, that he gets drained by people etc. (my boyfriend told me he was diagnosed with anxiety when he was younger and ti was much controlled) and I just may not get to see him as much as he wants. In short, he was telling me he was an introvert. It was just kind of shocking to hear yet a big weight was suddenly lifted off of our shoulders. I basically told him by the way on this night before the conversation that I understand his work is crazy and that mine is too, however I want to meet his friends and to also just text me more because we are in a ‘senior citizen mode crisis’ of a relationship and he agreed (we are just turning 30). Then though when it got to us he laid this on me. I was shocked but not surprised and agreed as pretty much ‘we’ wouldn’t change except I wouldn’t get to see him as much as I want (we were down to basically once a week). However- as I said: it is me who texts him, me who makes the effort.

    After finding this site, speaking to my brother and what not, I feel A LOT BETTER. I got back into my art (since for me my writing is not currently ‘doing it’ for me) and finding things to fill me up. I truly get the way his mind works. I have though and continue to give him his space. Still, social media and what not makes things confusing. For example, he’s active on there and shares his art on there but doesn’t bother to share it with me first when I explained ‘don’t you think I am your #1 fan?” mentality. To be honest it somewhat irks me. Then ok.. for the first two days he reached out to me more. Now we are back to the same pattern. The thing is it just doesn’t make so much sense to me. My big brother and my father (who has dated introverts) as well as my friends even say to seriously ignore him, to semi play hard to get. Now, we all agree that we don’t like to play games (I never have), and I am naturally just a giver. But when it’s me ALWAYS giving, me inviting him to things (and yes he actually went and wanted to go – he’ll simply tell me no which is TOTALLY fine with me at this pt, I get it…and not and not to be rude, but I introduced him to several high profile people that he was VERY interested in meeting and now is friends with them), me giving every ounce of myself (I am naturally a giver- aka a double-edged sword)… I am getting worn out. I can honestly say that I am a catch but I need a little bit in return. I try so hard. He knows that even seeing me for an hour is all that I want if that’s all that he can do for the week, I have expressed that. But it’s been about 2 weeks since we have seen each other. So my question is: do I bring up again to text me more, do I bring up saying ‘ok, you let me know a good day for you this week and lets see if we can make it work’ (ps even saying like that will be semi-hard, I am always super nice), and kind of pull back? I never played ‘hard to get’ but I feel he may need a slap of reality and that’s what everyone else is telling me. I just want him to give a little. Let me know please, I am so unsure about how to handle this, I deeply care about him but I am getting worn out.

    • Brenda Knowles August 18, 2015 at 8:28 am - Reply

      I hear and understand your need for reciprocation. Relationships are two-way endeavors. I don’t believe you need to tell him again to text more or to give you more time. He knows what you want.

      I often hear from partners of introverts that their introvert is on social media a lot but doesn’t communicate with them. Social media allows for voluntary, intentional, at-your-discretion, participation. Your guy probably gets fulfillment from connecting with friends and sharing his art on social media. It’s a way to connect with others without having to pour out a lot of energy. When communication between partners becomes a ‘have to’ situation, it can feel like an interruption in an introvert’s mental and physical work. It actually becomes work, which is draining.

      I wouldn’t think of your next move as ‘playing hard to get’. I would think of it as self-soothing. You may have to confront yourself regarding what you are trying to achieve or get with all of your giving. Are you basing your happiness on his responses to you? If so, that’s a lot of pressure for a partner (introvert or extrovert). He would be able to relax and enjoy you more if he didn’t feel pressure to make you happy or keep up with your level of giving. You said you have friends and other activities that fill you up. That’s great! Continue to use those resources of fulfillment. Take care of yourself in other ways. His request for space could be his way of self-soothing. Do not take it personally.

      Emotionally evolved people hold onto themselves while holding on to someone else. If his anxiety is creeping up, it will be a growth opportunity for you to NOT get anxious too.

      I am not saying you should always have to concede to his way of being. Your needs and wants are valid as well. It is hard for me to tell if he is desperately needing time to recharge (to soothe anxiety, enhance creativity, restore energy reserves, etc.) or if he is losing interest in the relationship. If he asks for space but then let’s you know when he will be available to connect that is a good sign. You may consider asking him to think about what he wants out of the relationship, although he may answer to please you. I would pay attention to his actions more than his words. Does he seek you out when he wants sex? a socializing partner? intimacy? help with work? What is his love language? Do you know the 5 Love Languages? If not, I suggest looking them up.

      I hope you find peace in knowing all relationships face gridlock like this. No one is in sync with their partner 100% of the time. These are opportunities for growth. It sounds like you are open to working through it with your boyfriend. I hope he is as well.

  26. sophiej August 16, 2015 at 6:46 pm - Reply

    thank you so much for your article. some thoughts of yours a few years ago are still reverberating in the ether! this article resonated with me a lot. i love solitude. i love people who don’t make me feel weird when I say i had a great weekend, i didn’t do anything. and I loved your insight about falling in love in the spaces between, the not together moments when you actually have a chance to absorb your experience deep into your body and recognize it as real. this has certainly been my experience and i will certainly guard those moments!

    • Brenda Knowles August 16, 2015 at 8:29 pm - Reply

      I love the time in between visits with my significant other. I get to daydream about him.:) Cool to know you are a kindred spirit.
      Keep on doing your thing. Solitude is heavenly.

  27. KKW July 19, 2015 at 8:00 pm - Reply

    Brenda, I wholeheartedly agree with Cynthia. Thank you for your wonderful blog. I could identify with everything you have written. I am very much an introvert. I wish I had the type of relationship PJ has, where my significant other appreciated the sound of silence. Instead, my husband incessantly yaps. I just want to get way … so much so that I am contemplating a divorce. I’ve shared with him many times my need for quiet and solitude … I never get it. Reading your site, Brenda, made me feel better. Thanks so much!

    • Brenda Knowles July 21, 2015 at 7:38 am - Reply

      I am sorry your marriage is struggling KKW. I have been there. Sometimes the differences in temperament cause such a big disconnection that the relationship suffers. If there is any way to create self-awareness for yourself and your husband in order for each of your types to be appreciated, valued and respected, then I urge you to do it, but I know from personal experience that is not always doable Perhaps your husband will be more willing to hear and respect you if he knows you are contemplating divorce? Perhaps it would help for him to read some posts on space2live? Sending you strength and peace. Thanks for commenting.

  28. DMJ July 17, 2015 at 3:23 pm - Reply

    I loved this article and I’ve enjoyed reading the posts and replies. Very insightful.
    I am an introvert and I’m dating a man even more introverted than me! Its been 6 months now. We started as an agreed casual dating arrangement. Meaning we didn’t intend on being exclusive. I was at the end of my marriage and he was 6 months separated so neither of us were ready to commit energy to a full-time relationship.

    We see each other once every 2-3 weeks. We text in between maybe 2-3 times a week. At first, I was ok with the “casualness” of our dating but now I’m wanting something more. I’ve realized that I can’t have casual sex with him and then have the desire or energy to go out and date other men as well.

    Our relationship started off a bit awkward in terms of long silences – we’re each used to being with more extroverted partners that draw us out. We’ve slowly built up trust between us and have great talks when we’re together. I feel very comfortable with him now, except for the non-exclusive part. I know he’s dated but obviously he hasn’t connected with anyone yet. Also, 90% of the time I initiate the idea of the dates and probably 70% of the time I initiate the texting/emailing. He does respond pretty quickly and always with enthusiasm (more so lately).

    The last few times we’ve been together he’s opened up more: he’s complimented me about both my appearance and my personality (he never did this before), he’s told me how proud he is of me (on something I accomplished) and he told me that he’s very thankful for me being such a good friend to him. We flirt a lot- nothing crazy, no real sexting going on. We cuddle, kiss, and hold hands when we’re alone (outside just a prelude to sex). But we don’t make future plans (other than to say “you can get the bill next time”). We don’t do sleepovers (his choice, not mine) And, as I said, we only see each other every other week. If I push for more, he always seems to have an excuse and I get pushed back “let’s do next week instead”.

    I love that he “gets me” in terms of needing my space and I do respect that he needs his too. We appreciate each others artistic endeavours and seem to like doing the same things. But I’d like to spend more time together (at least once a week, maybe twice), become exclusive and really see if we have something special. I want to ensure he’s feeling the same way about me as I am about him. What is the best way to approach him? Have a direct talk about it or hope that he will continue to open up slowly as his trust with me builds? Or should I assume he’s just not “that into me” since he hasn’t asked me to be exclusive by now?

    • Brenda Knowles July 19, 2015 at 9:15 pm - Reply

      Hmmmm. It’s hard to tell based on what you have told me. It does sound like you are doing most of the initiating and coordinating of your relationship but how forward is he in general? Are you having casual sex with him? I know that is a bit forward of a question but that would help me get a clearer picture of your situation. Do you get the feeling he is shy and slightly uncomfortable getting more serious or that he is dating other people and enjoying exploring the dating world again? If you think he just needs help expressing himself I would go ahead and have a direct talk with him. The fact that he still has you feeling unsure after 6 months is a little worrisome although you did agree to be casual in the beginning. I think if he wanted to change your status he would start taking more initiative. You may consider giving it another month or so and work on trying to read him. Let him do some of the planning and contacting. If he doesn’t then you have a better idea of his feelings. In the meantime, date others, do things you’re passionate about, learn who you are and what you truly want in a partner and out of life. It will only make you more attractive. 🙂 Sorry I couldn’t give you exact advice. Hope some of my response was helpful. Thanks for commenting.

      • Darlene July 25, 2015 at 6:11 pm - Reply

        Thanks for getting back to me. Yes, we are having sex. But we have normal full dates, not JUST sex. And sometimes we do things like paddle boarding or kayaking and it doesn’t always end up in the bedroom. We just have fun together. I know that he likes me to initiate our dates/communication – he’s said so (although yes, he has stepped up his communication with me – regularly texting me now, sometimes just to share some news or tell me about his day). And I also know he’s online dating, but is not having a lot of success. Told me he’s tired of doing it and wants to find that someone special. That was in the same conversation he told me what a great friend I’ve been to him and how lucky he feels to have found me. So I’m not sure how to take that. Perhaps I should have jumped on it at the time! I was a bit surprised when he said it – he hadn’t opened up like that before.

        I’ve decided I need to share my feelings. I’m going to tell him what I like about him (I really haven’t done this yet because we’re supposed to be keeping things “light” and “casual” but I want to be real and honest, not hide anymore). I will also tell him that I’d like to be exclusive and see where this might go for us. If he turns me down, so be it. But I’ve learned from previous relationships that if you don’t speak up for what you want, then you don’t get it. I don’t want him meeting someone else, telling me we have to end, me sharing my feelings then and him saying “I had no idea, you should have told me sooner.” Wouldn’t that be devastating?

        So I don’t think I’ll take your advice of waiting him out. I think we’re past that stage. I’ve done that. I did date another guy for awhile. And a month went by between my dates with this one without me initiating! Keep in mind, he was studying for a major exam at the time.

        But at this point its either move forward or move on. I will try to keep the pressure off in my conversation with him as much as I can, but ultimately, I do need him to commit to being exclusive and to be sure he’s on the same page as I am in terms of how he feels about me.
        I’ll let you know how it goes!!!

        • Brenda Knowles July 26, 2015 at 1:25 pm - Reply

          Well alright! You go! It sounds like you know what you need to do. It’s good to know one way or another so you are not wasting your time and energy. Do keep me posted.:)

  29. Jo July 16, 2015 at 10:22 am - Reply

    Hello. I believe I am finally starting to realize the man I have been seeing for a year and a half is an introvert. He has tried to allude to this on occasion throughout our relationship, especially when things are tough and he is distant, but we have never really talked about what we need space/attention-wise to feel fulfilled and not stressed. As I do more reading and research on the subject, I am gaining more insight into the introverts need for space and downtime. Sadly, I think my recent education and revelation may be too late. Not understanding his needs and nature caused me to see his distance as me not being worthy of attention. This, in turn, threw me into a frenzy of contacting him. I know I came off as needy and I am not. But I was confused by his behavior. It is hard for me to understand how you can shut out the people in your life you say you care about when I tend to look to these people for support and compassion.

    Can introverts and extroverts have a healthy relationship? What can I do to show him I understand his needs, but have mine met also? Is that even possible? I love him and want to make things work but I am not sure how. He is very stressed right now and more distant than usual, which makes it hard to communicate. Should I leave him be to get his head straight? What if I pull back and he never talks to me again?

    Thank you for your blog and helping me gain some much-needed perspective.

    • Brenda Knowles July 17, 2015 at 10:12 am - Reply

      Hello. If your man is going through a high level of stress it is not surprising he is pulling back. It is often the natural reaction for introverts. When we are stressed we often go to feelings of inadequacy or we feel people are asking too much of us. Either case makes us want to be alone. It has been my experience that slowing things down and giving me space to fill myself up with personal endeavors and time to process my thoughts is the best remedy for feelings of stress and overwhelm. But, do not leave him alone without telling him you are there for him. I would suggest you invite him to do something with you and only you that helps him relax. Does he like dining out? Kayaking? Going for walks? Something intimate but not too externally stimulating. Help him bring his inner world to light and value him.
      He will always need time to recharge alone. It is only fair if he honors your needs as well by letting you know when he will be available again for quality connection. There needs to be mutual nurturing of your temperaments. You are different but equal. It always helps if you both know how to self-soothe as well. Relying on your partner to keep you happy is a recipe for disaster. When he is in his moments of retreat, work on yourself. Do something that fills you up. Do not take his behavior personally. I hope this is of some help. Best wishes to you and your introvert.:)

  30. Cynthia Kurtz July 15, 2015 at 7:14 pm - Reply

    First, thank you for this entire blog. The wonderful expression of both yourself and some of the nuances of introversion you speak so well on, the quotes of others you select and compliment your work with… The entire read through of all your work is a reverence enduring joy to read.

    When reading this particular article, and experiencing some of it real time with finding a wonderful guy who did not mesh well with my introversion, and is struggling with my needed goodbye accordingly, it was affirming to not feel lonely or ‘alien’ amongst these ways I have and the frictions it can cause at times. It helped balance the comfort amid the noise, clarifies empathy for both sides and renders more patience with it all really. It’s hard for some people to understand this, it isn’t only good for introverts, it can be an exceptional nurture resource for people on the other side of the experience I hope everyone gets more insight into.

    Your work also inspired me to write about and remember what components did mesh well in the one connect (even with an extrovert) that has been deeply savored, what did work, how and why in a bit of detail on another post, also due to your open invitation to explore the subject at large. This is all due to your generous questions, the comfortable realm you invite others to express themselves in too, and the inspiration that lends for others to share, give and take.

    Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all you’ve done thus far, and how much your future work is warmly anticipated.

    • Brenda Knowles July 16, 2015 at 7:39 am - Reply

      Thank you Cynthia. It’s been a stressful season for me lately. I’ve been feeling that introvert emotional tired which rises from trying to do and do for others and not getting enough fulfilling alone time or meaningful connection from our significants. Your gratitude for space2live and its messages reminds me of my strengths and what I have to offer. Thank you for the boost which ultimately inspires me to keep on doing the work I love. 🙂 And yes, I agree my writing can be just as useful for our extrovert counterparts. I would say close to half of the questions/comments I receive are from extroverts trying to figure us out.;)

  31. sadgirl July 9, 2015 at 1:56 pm - Reply

    I read your blog about introverts and I just had to write to you since it seems you can give me the best advice. I have been allover this net trying to figure this all out I am an introvert and I met a guy who is an introvert. quiet shy but funny when we are alone. he shares and then shuts down. we were childhood friends and we became reaquainted. the second time we went to dinner he told me he was suicidal .. said it he attempted it as a child and again as an adult with pills.. i felt so bad more so because i wasn’t there for him, all these years . he has family but they are emotional vampires his best friend is a cousin and he has marital problems as well as health problems. he lost both his parents and a brother . he has two other brothers one has a heart condition and te other cancer. he has gone through a lot of bad relationships . he’s been called gay because he doesnt like being physical much some have accused him of cheating.. he says he did a lot of that at his young age with approximately 75 or more partners and he lost interest. he said most of the females he has been with claim to understand him and then wind up using him for money and a few have physically beat him up .. he will never hit them back but he says he has anger issues and he stays to himself a lot to control it. he says he hates people and just wants to be left alone watchng tv and sleeping that’s he only has enough energy to work and come home. . i didnt understand what that meant . he never touched me showed interest or even held my hand but on our 4th friendship date he decided to tell me on the way home that he had a girlfriend and that he was so unhappy but can’t leave her when i asked him why is he telling me this he kissed me… i was in shock why kiss me we dont even hold hands.. … then he said she was on crack.. he was always stuck in his own head with two jobs that he never noticed .. he was always giving her money…when he come to realize she was on drugs it was a year and he’s since has been trying to help or even has given her money so she can go away.. he said was trying to help her she also was physically abusive to him. he was with her for almost 2 1/2 years. he still hung out i tried to give him advise and be his voice of reason he just never felt like he was doing anything right and couldnt take the beatings anymore. i tried to spend as much time with him as he would let me .. i found myself feeling sorry for him and getting emotionally attached… attached to a point where i would cry worried.. five months later we had a physical encounter .. two weeks after he broke up with her ..he still helped her of course he couldnt walk away without making sure that she was okay… she wouldnt go to rehap and winded up in jail… now he is not the type of man that would be with a female he is very conservative… as for us well we use to speak once a week to not speaking at all we text everyday but that is because i initiate it .. he see’s me once a week for breakfast and i wait for him to initiate that.. we dont kiss or hold hands as if nothing ever happened. i on the other hand have fallen in love with him.. only i keep telling myself there is nothing to love he doesnt do anything for or with me. doesnt show me any affection .. I’ve told him how i felt and he always thanks me and says that i am his best friend and that as much as he finds me atttractive that he doesnt want to be in a relationship and he can’t love.. he doesnt think he can ever love anyone..he says he doesnt want to live … he says he wouldnt be fair to me to put me through that… i hear everything he is saying and he is right but i cant get my heart to listen… i want to stay away to forget him but i can’t walk away..I am always crying .. i feel so foolish and helpless everyone else is in a loving relationship that can work things out with a little understanding. there is nothing to work out on my end .. all i have todo is walk away and i can’t.. .. i am afraid that I am here for him not just because i love him but also because i dont want to not be there for him because he refuses to get help.

    • Brenda Knowles July 11, 2015 at 8:56 am - Reply

      You are obviously a compassionate person and want to help him but my advice based on what you have told me is to completely forget about him as boyfriend material. He has WAY too many issues he is working on. He does not have anything to offer you. He is so involved with his own tangled web. You could offer support as a friend if you could manage to keep him at arm’s length. Many people have a need to fix others, perhaps in an effort to repair something negative from childhood.
      I know it is hard to give up on someone but I suggest focussing on making your life positive and productive rather than letting all of the drama that surrounds him swallow you up. I know that is rather cold and direct advice but I truly do not see any good coming out of deep ties to him. Be careful and take care of yourself.

      • Sad girl July 15, 2015 at 10:19 am - Reply

        Thank you very much, I really appreciate all of your honesty. That is exactly my problem I’m always trying to help others instead of looking out for myself.

  32. PJ July 7, 2015 at 5:33 pm - Reply

    OMG! This so me. After years believing I’m an extrovert I realized my relationship tendencies slanted more towards an introverts prospective. I’ve always needed my alone time especially in social settings that last for hours. I feel the sudden urge to bolt. Go home and just pour myself on to the couch. Awwww the peaceful sound of silence: no mindless chit-chat about topics that are trivial and self-serving. My ideal is to socialize for a bit, go home and maybe entertain my significant other, who like me, appreciates the sound of silence even in my company. We can just be.

    • Brenda Knowles July 7, 2015 at 9:06 pm - Reply

      You are definitely in the introvert club.:) Welcome! Thanks for reading and leaving a thoughtful comment.

  33. Sara June 27, 2015 at 8:05 pm - Reply

    So my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me out of the blue yesterday. Everything about us was perfect.. We met at school, got together, laughed and kissed whenever we were together. Everyone I know said what we had was different and we were so obviously in love with one another. The thing about him, something I sort of figured out on my own, he is an introvert. He would go four or five days without texting me or anything. At first I felt worried that he didn’t like me, but when we were together it was so great so I decided to look past it. I’m not a very needy person myself so I was ok with it. Yes, it was hard for me sometimes. I liked him so much and just wanted to see him as much as I could. But I also respected him enough to know when he needed his space. He broke up with me saying that it was bound to happen from the start. He said that it was the longest relationship he has ever been in but I wasn’t enough for him to leave his old life (a life of solitude) behind. He would just rather break up now (before I leave for an internship) so he doesn’t feel obligated to me. He said even though this past six months has been so fun and I have been his best friend, it wasn’t enough and he wants his solitude back. But didn’t I give it to him? He said during summer we should think about things. We are planning to meet up when I return. If he decides he misses me enough, we may start back up again. But he was also very adamant to not give me false hope. What should I think? Should I have hope? I really love and genuinely care for him.. So I’m hoping this won’t end but he has been this way his whole life and said he couldn’t see himself with anyone or having a family. And I still feel he likes me because it didn’t feel like he wanted to break up; more like he told himself he had to. He also said he wanted to do it now so that we would only remember that this relationship was good. If we continued to date, he said he might start to resent me. He was crying and didn’t want to leave until he made sure I understood why this was happening. I’m very heartbroken right now and would truly appreciate any advice you could give me.

    • Brenda Knowles June 28, 2015 at 8:36 am - Reply

      Hmmmm. It does sound like he cared/cares for you. I am sure he appreciated the space you allowed between interactions. It’s awesome that he is self-aware enough to know he needs solitude in order to regain equilibrium and that he could express that to you. That way you won’t take it personally. He does not want to hurt you. I can say that he most likely won’t change in the long run. He will always need a lot of time to himself. Are you truly OK with that? I hope he gives you another chance when you return because I think your relationship is worth delving into more deeply. Perhaps you both can learn together how to meet each of your needs. Can you be alone together? For example, both reading in the same room. That is a key capability for a relationship involving an introvert. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself in the meantime. Do your internship. Enjoy your experience. See what happens when you return.

      • Sara June 28, 2015 at 10:53 am - Reply

        Thank you so much for your help. This website and your reply really helped me to understand more about my (ex)boyfriend and how he thinks. I will take care of myself and decide if it is worth it for me to be in a relationship with someone who I would only get to see sometimes. We could be alone together but I think he needs more alone.. And I liked what you said: I too think it would be a missed opportunity to not go deeper in this relationship. I just hope after the summer months he will realize that too and be willing to fight for me. Thanks again for your help.

  34. Abida Sultana Juti June 15, 2015 at 1:14 pm - Reply

    How much space would you say is an adequate amount to give an introvert? My introvert boyfriend tells me he is going through a lot right now and he seems very distant, I can tell he needs space but how much should I give him? Should I not contact him at all for a week or so and wait for him to contact me, am so confused about how much space is essential, would appreciate your advice Brenda

    • Brenda Knowles June 16, 2015 at 6:54 am - Reply

      It can be very hard to read an individual regarding how much time is enough for them to recharge but I think a week is a lot of time. You can always ask your boyfriend what he needs from you as he goes through this difficult time. It may be space. It may be support. The key thing in a relationship is to be respectful and appreciate each other. He should be aware of your feelings and desires as well. If you can self-soothe and keep yourself happily busy for a while (a few days?) that may help him relax and open up to you with what he wants.

  35. rainawareness May 27, 2015 at 11:49 pm - Reply

    Weird title

  36. P.R. Janssen May 27, 2015 at 8:10 pm - Reply

    Reblogged this on The Whim Wryter.

  37. aponderingoflife April 15, 2015 at 5:05 pm - Reply

    Reblogged this on aponderingoflife and commented:
    A beautiful and honest entry one feelings that I, myself, have had issue articulating. Give it a read!

  38. aaksh April 2, 2015 at 3:14 am - Reply

    i found your article very interesting and helpful, i can relate to it. the thing is that i myself am an introvert and she is says she too, but when i am around her i feel different like i need to connect more, like i am not doing things right or should make more efforts. she is very social and friendly with everyone but with me she says that she is an introvert when it comes to emotions. its confusing, i behave differently around her and she behaves differently around me.
    we have known each other for 11 years since we were kids, we have fallen apart many times and then every times our paths met again, but always as friends. i have dated different people and so has she. with me something was always missing with every person i dated, that emotional connection. only with her i could truly open up. in December last year she got out of a very serious relationship, that guy was cheating on her, with a wife and another girlfriend which she had no idea of all this. he also hurt her physically, that’s when she launched a police complaint and everything was revealed to her. i know she has been through a lot, and i understand that it would take time for her to build trust on another person.
    i wrote a letter to her in which i told her all the things i have felt for her, how she makes me a better man. how i have been in love with the same girl since 11 years. when she read it she just texted that “a tear rolled out of my eye and the a smile chased my lips”. now she knows my feelings for her yet she chooses to stay away. she never says it directly that she wants us to be friends, i will be okay with that, i have to be. whenever i ask her about her thoughts, feelings about us she says is that she cant say all that and she is introvert and can’t take initiative. when i take initiative she puts on her guard.
    i am not sure if i said what i wanted to say. i feel like i just have to let it be or to try harder and with more patience. she could soon be marriage as after her last break up she said yes for an arranged marriage, that’s when i sent her the letter. i don’t know if she wants me to try or not. may be she is just respecting my feelings for her. i don’t know what should i do. i worries my heart when i think of her marrying someone else. i don’t to be naggy or too needy, i respect her space. but she never tires. if i don’t text her for 2 days then she checks on me, but when i do i just short replies, in long intervals, even when its night time. when i text or call she responds when i don’t she also doesn’t.
    what should i do should i listen to my mind and make her the right decision or should i listen to my heart and keep on trying and being patient. i feel she is the one, please guide me.
    thank you once again.

    • Brenda Knowles April 3, 2015 at 9:12 am - Reply

      I say you have to try. If she is the love of your life, what do you have to lose? If you let her remarry you will always wonder what could have been. I would not let her slip away if I were you. I would be subtle but honest and persistent. You sound like a romantic and a good man. Feel confident and pursue her with love. Best of luck! I’m cheering for you!

  39. rebeca March 27, 2015 at 8:26 am - Reply

    I found your article to be very interesting and wish i had read it sooner. my boyfriend and I had been dating for about 7 months. He is the most introverted person I have ever dated. I’m very much an extrovert and enjoy my time out and about. He is the one who sought after me and we finally started dating, after about a month of us hanging out and being friends. I enjoyed spending every moment with him but shortly after dating we started realizing how different we were. I started doing research on dating introverts & I realized how unique and interesting he was to me.I wanted to know more about him and I wanted to be there for him as someone he can talk to or someone he can just sit in silence with. I even gave him his space when he needed it (he wouldn’t tell me he needed it but i could tell when he started getting distant). I knew that I wanted more the more time i spent with him. The hardest part about being with him was that anything I said he would take it personally. anytime that I mentioned I disliked something or i wished something were different he would get offended. We started getting into little dispute here and there over things that were said, and for a lot of the time I would just back down and say you know what you’re right and I’m sorry. He never said he was sorry, he had a hard time with that. I started feeling that we were slowly getting to understand each other, but what I didn’t know was that he was not feeling too great about our relationship. In his words he said that HE felt he is not what I am looking for, which really caught me off guard because I tried my best to let him know how great he was and that he IS what I am looking for. I guess my greatest problem or the biggest question that I have is how am I supposed to show him that I cared for him or that I wanted to be with him? I know how important space is when in a relationship and I know how important space is for an introvert in a relationship, so I tried making sure that I gave him that space all I would request from him was a short text message goodnight or something that just let me know he was okay At some point during the day. In his words he was going to come back and he always did. Throughout the relationship he just said he wanted to have fun but what’s fun to an introvert is different that an extrovert. How was i supposed to know what his version of fun was? We had a conversation a few days ago and we broke up. That’s when he told me that he felt the way did. now I’m confused and unsure of what i should do. Should I wait to speak with him? Should I try contacting him at some point? How much time is enough time for someone that spent their life alone? I’m giving him his space and haven’t contacted him because i don’t want up push him away. it’s only been two days, which for someone like me it can feel like forever! I don’t want us to end things in a way that says we cant be friends – i told him that it’d take time before we could be. He told me that he wanted to still be there for me. i could see the sadness in his face when we ended it. I just don’t know what my next steps should be.

    • rebeca March 27, 2015 at 10:59 am - Reply

      In addition to my earlier message – about a month ago my bf met ALL of my family at my nieces sweet 16. . He was so excited about it and even mentioned the sparkle in his eye when he looked at me that night. A few days later we had a conversation about our differences (one that he encouraged me to share). it wasn’t until a couple weeks after this conversation that he told me that he started feeling weird around me. He also mentioned that he felt that I was getting more critical of him and judging him more. All of this is a result of that conversation that we had But i didn’t know how badly i had hurt him. He mentioned it again during our break up conversation the other day, and that’s why I was caught off guard. How could I have hurt him so badly in a conversation that he wanted me to have, and then has not been able to recover from it? He said that he’s never thought about ever living with anyone else until he met me And wanted a future with me. However my words impacted him very negatively and that caused the greatest problem. I don’t know if it’s just time away that he needs or if this is truly the end.

    • Brenda Knowles March 27, 2015 at 1:46 pm - Reply

      It sounds like you genuinely had something good going. There must have been something that made him feel like his values were being dismissed or put down. Something that made him think he could not be with you long term. Perhaps it was a collection of little comments that made him feel less than. I would give it some time, a few more days or even a week and then write him a letter/email explaining how much he really means to you. Tell him what you love about him, especially the things that are different from you. It is easy for introverts, particularly intuitive sensitive ones, to have their guard up and be looking for ways someone could hurt them. We have exceptionally high standards and only want kind and open minded people in our lives. It feels safer. It feels like love when we can let down our guard and be ourselves without worrying about judgment. He has to trust you with his heart. Best of luck. I see potential based on what you said. Thanks for sharing.

      • rebeca March 28, 2015 at 7:31 am - Reply

        Thank you for your response. I really appreciate that you took the time to read my message and gave me worthwhile advice. I’ve been hooked on your blogs since I found them and never realized how different yet intriguing people are. 🙂

      • rebeca March 28, 2015 at 10:52 pm - Reply

        One more question, should I unfriend him in fb or would that send the wrong message? He never posted anything and now he’s posting like crazy! It’s making it harder for me to refrain from contacting him.

        • Brenda Knowles March 29, 2015 at 12:50 pm - Reply

          If it is bothering you to see his posts then yes unfriend him or better yet, just set it so you don’t see his posts (I believe you can do this). Stay strong.:)

  40. Robert March 10, 2015 at 7:32 am - Reply

    Your words spoke to me. I recently got sober – 4.5 years ago and previous to me finding the solution in my life I was an alcohol induced extrovert. Craving the interactions and attentions of others, even strangers. No longer…

    I’m in the business of selling memories I capture. I’ve always been a photographer but didn’t always have a camera.

    I long for fluidity and ease in my intimate relationships. After reading this I understood myself a bit better.

    Namaste and Ty for your words

    • Brenda Knowles March 11, 2015 at 8:22 am - Reply

      Congrats to you for directing your life in a positive direction. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work and as a result are highly self-aware. I hope you continue to embrace your nature and build beautiful intimate relationships. Knowing yourself so well will surely help create more real and authentic relationships. Thank you for sharing your story.:)

  41. Vickie Whitley March 4, 2015 at 10:45 am - Reply

    I can’t tell you how much this has helped me understand my boyfriend. I used to think his days of not calling meant he didn’t want to be with me instead of his need for personal space. When we are together it is awesome, but the three or four days of not hearing from him made me doubt the relationship. I am an extrovert who thrives from interaction and socialization. While he does enjoy going out and being around people, he needs time to be by himself and it was hard to understand.

    • Brenda Knowles March 4, 2015 at 10:57 am - Reply

      If he is a true introvert he will need the space between you and him. Do not take it personally. It would be respectful of him to tell you that. He should tell you he won’t call but he will be available on such and such a date and time. We do think and act quite differently than an extrovert. At times it feels like different languages, but if you can see it as that, different but not insurmountable, than you could be awesome partners. Best of luck!

      • I know I can be too much March 4, 2015 at 3:32 pm - Reply

        Hey Brenda

        I wanted to run something by you. First, I love hearing your thoughts and perspective. I finally figured out that there is nothing wrong with the special introverted person in my life- she just has different needs. We have been in one another’s lives for some time now- but I know I can be overbearing. She’s on my mind all of the time and when I find something I think she would like- I shoot a text or email. I want to share everything with her- basically I’m really intense- I have been able to tone the communication down…I make lists in my phone now so that when we are together or later in the evenings I can tell her about these things. Since I have finally gained a better understanding of her needs- it’s been better- I feel so much more secure and she feels less pressure and like she can communicate the need to be alone! I like this!

        . But I do have a tendency to get nervous when she starts to become distant at times. Feeling I may have pushed too far or something. This week my hormones were out of whack and I became really pushy for connection when it was clear she needed space. I couldn’t see it last night but today it’s blinding in my review of text messages. I sent a final message apologizing for being so sensitive – pretty much as soon i as I realized I was hormonal – I knew I had probably unknowingly pushed too hard. I was being needy. Ugh!

        Anyhow, I’m backing off as I want to show my love and I know that’s how to do it. I apologized and communicated that I apparently had some other things influencing my emotions (like girly week) and that I appreciated her being kind and understanding….it was clear in text review that she did not want to talk but was engaging to appease my emotional bids for security. Now I feel terrible for pressuring her and every bone in me wants to apologize again. I know giving space is more loving in her eyes… I’m just mad at myself, still emotional due to hormones, and wanted an introverts take….I thought I would reach out next week if I don’t hear from her by then. She’s headed out of town this weekend- so perfect time for me to detach.

        I’m also very busy with an accelerated college program- so that helps, and I need to remember to share happenings with my friends as well…..I attract introverts- my friends are the same- many of them- but anyways- lol! Opposites attract. Thanks for hearing me out- I guess I’m like– oh lord- how far is pushing too far….but I think I’m again just being hormonal right now……(I didn’t get a response to my apology- but I’m picking up what she’s putting down 😉 )
        Thank you for your insight!

        • Brenda Knowles March 8, 2015 at 8:07 am - Reply

          I’m sorry I am just now getting back to you. I read your comment the day you wrote it and in my head thought I responded. Oops! I think you are reading the situation correctly. Too much communication is probably irritating her a little. It’s your way to share everything with her immediately but that will feel like a flood of interruptions if not tempered. She probably has work or other relationships (friends, co-workers) she is concentrating on and it is bothersome to have someone pulling on your attention from a distance. If she starts to become distant, it is either because she is engrossed in something else or she needs time away from you. If at all possible, try not to take either personally. Keep the communication about her ‘space’ needs open and invest in other meaningful conversation at non-overwhelming intervals. Introverts love meaningful deep communication. Keep listening to your partner’s unspoken messages and yes, do focus your burning energy on others outside of your relationship. Perfect solution. Best of luck! Again, sorry for the delay in my response. Thanks for sharing your story.

      • I know I can be too much March 4, 2015 at 4:21 pm - Reply

        Also any feedback would be appreciated! Thank you!

  42. heartonmysleeve March 2, 2015 at 12:19 am - Reply

    I’ll try be brief but I’m sure once I start putting all of my thoughts together I’ll start rambling, my apologies in advance.
    Any feedback is appreciated but please be respectful. I am dating a wonderful man. Yes he’s an introvert. I’m an extrovert but I have introvert tendencies. It would be fair to say that I’m 50/50. I can respect the alone time and can appreciate it as well. What confuses me is the lack of the words to allow me to know where I stand. I believe he is INTP and I’m suppose to be ENFP but I can take the test 3 times and get 3 different personalities. No I’m not schizophrenic, lol. Every morning I get him coffee, we text mainly at night, I’ll spend a few hours with him on a friday night, every other week. The sparse interaction doesn’t bother me much…its not knowing if he is equally emotionally invested as I am that drives me nuts. I will walk on hot coals and do whatever it takes to be there for him, to ensure he KNOWS that I can be counted on. I have asked for help, I needed 2 lightbulbs changed…I did it myself…try not to judge me, I have a disability, yet, I pulled up the laminate, floor in his new house because I wanted to help him. If someone close to me says could you, would you, etc., I’m there..period. I’m sure he likes me but I’m starting to feel like I’m just a convenience, not much more. Is this the introversion or a guy thing? Last but not least…he likes watching me climb the walls because I can’t read him especially sarcasm vs. seriousness. He has many qualities that I adore and wouldn’t be this desperate to find out answers if I hadn’t fallen head over heals for him. I respect him terribly, but I think that too is one sided…SOS, PLEASE.

    • Brenda Knowles March 2, 2015 at 2:11 pm - Reply

      If he is an INTP he will be a man of few words and endearments, but that does not mean that he doesn’t consider your relationship meaningful. I suggest exploring ideas together. You both like freedom and doing things in your own way. He will approach an idea from a systematic viewpoint. You will bring enthusiasm to the project. You will want to take part in life more outwardly and he will be more comfortable working inwardly (virtual worlds, online, reading).
      As an introvert, he may not have a lot of energy for additional activities beyond work and your relationship time. Adding odd jobs to his list will be fine to a point but then he will want to be replenished with more inward activities like reading or watching a movie. Your extroversion and feeling preferences give you that extra boost of energy to always be there for others. As an introvert myself, I am cautious about adding other people’s needs to my agenda. As a feeling type,INFP, I always want to help people but I have learned I hit the wall and get tired and irritable if someone needs me constantly. I am not suggesting that you are needy I am only explaining the difference between your ability to always be there and his preference to conserve energy.
      You need to ask yourself if you can be happy with the amount of attention he gives you. Your relationship wants should be honored as well as his. Are your energies compatible? Can you both appreciate and accept your differences? I hope that helps. Thanks for sharing your story.

      • heartonmysleeve March 2, 2015 at 6:45 pm - Reply

        Brenda, Thank you so very much for quick response and insight. I must admit, at first, the first month into the relationship, I was a bit taken back. That was very short lived as I absolutely looked as his approaches as merely different and something I simply wasn’t accustomed to… I embraced it. It had me grow as person and I adore that he helps to ground me. I find myself putting things into a more rational prospective and become more patient. He is extremely intelligent and at times I find it a bit intimidating. All my life have been told that I am (intelligent)…until him. I try to convince myself that if I were not he wouldn’t be with me but again I have no feedback to make an informed assessment. Had I the option of a superpower, I would choose mind reading…lol.
        Like I stated previously, I become concerned with investing heart and soul and expose all vulnerability to the point where it is one sided. I haven’t ever met anyone (relationship wise) that I am so willing to go outside of my comfort zone to be with, again not wrong, just different. I need the cliff notes version:) I often ponder if he is just as confused but he rarely seems to convey that. I try and categorize…intp or a guy thing…perhaps both. I am beyond curious to see where this journey leads hopefully not a dead end. There are so many forks in the road at times its like a table setting for 16….he was married for 20 years and it did not end well so I’m the first gal he’s dated. My marriage ended 4 years ago so he’s my first bf…we both were in abusive relationships. I spoil him and complement him daily and I know he wasn’t appreciated in the past. I appreciate him and show him and/ or verbalize it quickly. Recently he asked MY Opinion about something (countertops and cabinet handles to be percise) but for him, that’s huge and I reacted to it in that manner ( my enthusiasm was like a reaction to a marriage proposal minus the vocals and tears).
        Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you!!

        • Brenda Knowles March 4, 2015 at 10:52 am - Reply

          I would chalk his behavior up to INTP versus just being a man. NTs (Rationals) are rare and often difficult to interpret. You are right to take any request for your opinion as his way of showing you he respects you. He definitely finds you intelligent or he would not be hanging out with you. NTs like competence and achievement. If you can handle the indirect affection or low level of endearment then you are an ideal mate for him. He will be more invested in the relationship than you think or than he shows. I hope you both learn and grow together since it is both of your second run at long term loving. Best of luck!

  43. screenfree February 19, 2015 at 9:57 am - Reply

    I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and we now have a child. She “discovered” she’s an introvert about a year ago and much of what we are learning about the temperament has helped us to understand some of our dynamics as a couple which has been illuminating. I, too, am more of an introvert as well, preferring quiet people and places, enjoying the joy of my own company and deep, meaningful sharing with my partner and close friends. But is this an effortless relationship? NO! My partner makes decisions that involve and impact both of us without sharing or consulting with me, ie. travel plans, childcare, family events. “This is who I am, can’t you accept that?” Many times I don’t even know something is in development. I just get the announcement and all this does is make me feel unseen, unheard and doubtful about whether she even wants to be in a partnership.

    I get that introverts process internally but to NOT bother to check in with me has eroded this relationship down to it’s nubs. You write that a trait of introverts is empathy, yet my partner has a hard time showing that to me and others. I’ve needed her support when going through some difficult personal times and it’s as though she doesn’t even see me, she is so lost in “her world”. She can show care and concern, but it seems to be highly selective and usually not when it gets messy.

    It’s one thing to be introverted, it’s another to be inconsiderate and to use introversion as an excuse for not showing up for your loved one(s). Is it introversion or self-centeredness?

    • Brenda Knowles February 20, 2015 at 10:33 am - Reply

      You make a couple of good points and I want to highlight those. First of all, introversion is never supposed to be an excuse for poor behavior. It is one thing to go internal in order to recharge and process deeply but it is another to be so self-absorbed that you do not notice someone close to you is suffering. Now, I will admit to being guilty of not being the most supportive partner at times during my marriage. I missed opportunities to be more sensitive and empathetic to him. I will say it was not intentional. I either needed time away from his energy (so I would not fall apart) or I simply didn’t realize how hurt/down he was. I also am guilty of putting on an ‘everything is OK’ mask and sort of going numb because sometimes the alternative (complete breakdown) is too scary. I believe certain types of introverts (the intuitive feelers) are more sensitive to conflict and emotions therefore that may be an underlying reason for their aloofness. It’s not that they don’t care. It’s that they care and feel too much and may have to put up some personal boundaries. I’m not saying it’s the best way to go. I’m just explaining some of the hidden dynamics that run as undercurrents to introverted behavior.

      I have recanted the ‘effortless relationship’ statement in this post in the comments. After many personal relationship experiences since posting this piece, I know and understand no relationship is effortless.

      As for your partner not consulting you regarding decision-making, I can see where you would be frustrated. Again, is she trying to avoid conflict by making decisions on her own? I know that ultimately DOES cause conflict but perhaps she fears you will disagree with her decisions. This is no excuse for the lack of sharing but I’m just trying to get at the reason. Does she like to be the leader? Are you slow to make decisions and she is impatient? Does she love to do the scheduling and considers it her role in the partnership?
      It sounds like you have communicated your feelings about this. My suggestions are to do something counter-intuitive and get some space from your partner. Perhaps you could start working on something you are passionate about and let her planning create free-time for you. Sometimes space in a relationship allows each participant to be free of those toxic routines that only poison intimacy. Space allows you to see each other as outsiders do, with more compassion and awe. Also, you could praise or laugh and be playful when your partner goes on a decision-making rampage and throw her expectations off. This kind of shift in thinking could lead to a spark of mutual appreciation and attraction. I know that would take a lot of effort and thoughtfulness on your part but sometimes easing up the situation is a gift to everyone involved.
      You are in the thick of a growth period. Your choices count big time. I’m cheering for your relationship!
      Thanks for sharing your story.

  44. Rosie February 16, 2015 at 11:19 pm - Reply

    I really relate to what you have said in your blog post here, and I just felt the need to let out some of my feelings on being an introvert. Usually I never see being an introvert as problem because its who I am, and my friends accept that. Which is why I value my friends very much, but I feel more conscious of my introversion when I’m dating someone. I love love, and like you mentioned, a hopeful romantic, but whenever i enter a relationship I’m always happy the first few days, I’m just filled with joy and excitement, but then I guess you could say i begin to feel anxious. I’m not sure why that is. Sometimes frequently texting a significant other makes me anxious. Its probably common for couples to want to be extremely close to each other in the honeymoon period and what not, but I don’t think I can handle it. Maybe being with someone all the time, in a romantic sense, scares me? Its hard to put it into words, and sometimes I’m not even sure if me being an introvert is the problem. I’m sorry I just felt like trying to put my feelings into words, and you just gave wonderful feedback to others.

    • Brenda Knowles February 17, 2015 at 8:06 am - Reply

      I know exactly what you mean. It usually takes me a bit longer to get those anxious feelings within a relationship but I eventually feel them too. For me, it makes me anxious to see all of my time being filled up. I love space in my schedule for freedom and ‘me time’. It is both awesome and nerve wracking for me to know someone wants to spend a lot of time with me. I need a good amount of reading, movie watching, female bonding time in order to recharge. One thing I have noticed is that I often am attracted to men who have opposite personality types than me (i.e. extroverted doers). This works well in that we each have something to offer the other but it can also make it difficult to relate and relax together. That is my two cents. Did any of that resonate with you? Thank you for sharing your perspective so candidly.

  45. laidoff2weightoff February 8, 2015 at 5:05 pm - Reply

    Thank you for this! You hit the nail on the head. I have just reconciled with my husband and I’m ready to leave and move on. The relationship is totally draining. I thought something was wrong with me (as we introverts tend to think), but I really have nothing left to give after work, 2 kids, and the daily grind. I can’t spend hours talking about sports, facebooks vids, or nothingness, so after 7.5 years, my tank is on E. I’m so happy I stumbled along to this page.

    • Brenda Knowles February 9, 2015 at 12:32 pm - Reply

      I hope that you find a way to fill yourself up again. I hope your relationships develop in the best way possible, however that may be. May your nature be honored within or without your marriage. Best of luck discovering you! Thank you for reading and commenting.

  46. [INFJ] Introvert Relationships January 30, 2015 at 7:58 pm - Reply

    […] relationships, or even just relationships in general. I'm sure many of you can also relate. Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) | space2live Reply   Reply With […]

    • Brenda Knowles January 31, 2015 at 3:27 pm - Reply

      Thank you so much for sharing! I truly appreciate it. I tried to respond on the personality cafe but it became complicated quickly.;) I have learned since writing that piece that every relationship requires effort. The precious energy reserves of an introvert require the particularly effortFUL relationships to be kept to a minimum or not considered at all.

  47. […] learned that every relationship is imperfect and effortful (despite my request for effortless in this post), but that is where the growth comes in. I NEED someone who is willing and able to go through the […]

  48. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  49. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  50. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  51. sarahdaltry November 3, 2014 at 12:03 pm - Reply

    I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all. My marriage is easy and works because we just “get” how each other operates. I have a hard time keeping friends. My closest are the ones I don’t hear from for ages and then we just pick up as if we never lost touch. I don’t have the energy most of the time for much, since I’m an extreme introvert and a hermit. It’s not that it’s effortless in reality, but it’s different. There are relationships – family, friends, lovers – that don’t pull anything out of you. You meet up, spend time together, and you know you’ll do it again soon without pressure or obligation. There are others, though, where you feel like you have to work for it, have to fulfill a checklist, and it’s just too much. It’s not spoken, but you sense it, and maybe it’s something you can only understand if you feel it. I don’t know, but I completely get what you are saying.

    • Brenda Knowles November 5, 2014 at 1:48 pm - Reply

      You said it very well Sarah. There are relationships that feel more effortless. I absolutely have that in regards to friendships. I have friends all over the ‘need me’ spectrum. In romantic long term relationships it has been my experience that they all require effort. You are so fortunate to have found a husband who understands you so deeply, that definitely makes it easier. I’ll keep looking for my ‘low effort’ mate. Thanks for giving me hope he’s out there.:)

  52. JC October 22, 2014 at 3:48 pm - Reply

    This is a helpful article but honestly, it’s completely unrealistic to expect to be in an effortless relationship. ALL relationships take work. If one is so introverted that they cannot manage a relationship, then perhaps solitude is a better option. I can understand not wanting a lot of intensity, or needing a break…however, the “effortless” piece is putting an unrealistic ideal in people’s minds.

    • Brenda Knowles October 22, 2014 at 6:20 pm - Reply

      It’s funny you should say that JC. I have been noodling over that sentence for a long time. I think I even rebutted it in another post. I don’t expect effortless anymore. I have been in enough relationships now to know there is a price of admission for each one and we have to accept that price and work with it or move on. Effortless is not realistic, as you said, but I will say some relationships are less work than others. Thanks for giving me a chance to comment on that naive statement.

      • Amy November 8, 2014 at 2:54 pm - Reply

        Thanks for the great reply on this Brenda. I love your blog and have returned a few times, especially when my boyfriend’s introversion seems to clash with my extroversion. I felt a spike of fear reading about relationships being effortless, because ours can be so much work at times, but we are committed to loving eachother and striving through our challenges. We are just very different personality/energy wise, and have to work to understand eachother better.

        My big worry is that I can be really needy at times. My partner and I both have our own anxieties, sometimes they seem to butt heads, as I need a lot of reassurance from him about his feelings. I have a great fear of loss and abandonment. I’m working on this in therapy and through self-care and self-love, but in the meantime, any tips for helping be a better partner to my introvert bf? I want to give him all the love and space and support he needs, but I find it so hard because I love spending time with him and almost find it hard to even break away to give him that space. Ugh…. :/ thanks for reading x

        • Brenda Knowles November 9, 2014 at 9:23 am - Reply

          Amy you are already lightyears ahead of a lot of people with your self-awareness and understanding of introversion. Just know that it will take loads of honest, expressive communication between the two of you in order for your relationship to thrive. It sounds like you both are willing to do that.
          You are absolutely on the right path. Self-care and therapy are so smart. You could think of yourself as the protector of your boyfriend’s space. If he is recharging in solitude make sure no one disturbs him. One extrovert that I dated told me he loved that I gave him a time when I could be fully his. As an introvert, I tried to be respectful and let him know approximately how much time alone I needed, then when I was filled up I returned to him with enthusiastic and loving energy. Perhaps if your bf could allay your abandonment fears with a time he’ll be available and a promise (and delivery) of full engagement. I hope knowing that it is not you personally he is escaping, it is interruptions and interactions in general, helps your understanding and self-esteem. Also know that while your bf is spending time away from you he is most likely re-living experiences and lovely moments he shared with you. Sometimes introverts fall in love even more with their mates when they have time to daydream about them, when they have time to miss them.:) You have outstanding relationship skills Amy. Keep communicating and listening to your boyfriend’s cues.

  53. Bee October 12, 2014 at 5:32 pm - Reply

    This blog was comforting to some extent. It’s been a year since I am in a long-distance relationship with an introvert. What surprises me, however, is that initially, his introvert nature was not revealed because he would talk to me for hours and hours and this concept of giving space was never there so I became habitual to that pattern of talking everyday. However, with time, this need for space started increasing. Though he laughs with me all the talk and is always super interested in the things I tell him about my life. Listens to things carefully whenever we get to talk in detail, and also gives suggestions. Also, since the day one he has been very unexpressive about his love for me. Says it takes too much of energy for him to “express love in words all the time”. We both are 28. Overall, he is a great guy, and has all the qualities that one can look for in a guy, but this sudden need for space leaves me baffled and feeling unloved :S Feels like it’s always me who has to understand his needs, but it would hardly ever be reciprocal.

    • Mark October 12, 2014 at 7:11 pm - Reply

      I can definitely relate to your situation. I am with an introvert since over 2 years now and it has been a really challenging time to say the least. It feels like there is a constant requirement to “give” and little gets “given” to you, and it can be really draining over time. I can not tell you when it was the last time I heard the words “I love you”, and when she actually approached me for any kind of affection. I am convinced that she loves me and that there is a deep connection, but wouldn’t it be nice to hear some loving words or receive a caring gesture once in a while?

      We started out the same way, really into each other and texting each other until early in the morning hours, and it was me then that was wondering if this is a normal degree of interaction. Until she slowly started to claim her “need for space”. It seems that as soon as I was “secured” things changed…

      I have now gotten used to this situation. I think it is odd that we do not communicate for weeks at a time, and usually only see each other every two or even 4 weeks, but it is what it is. We just spent two weeks on a trip to Europe together, and it was a great experience and there were no issues at all while being close to each other for 2 weeks. However, as soon as we were back, we went straight back to the old pattern of not seeing each other much and of text messages not being answered. It can be very frustrating, to the point of feeling disrespected, in particular when you know that the message has been seen and it simply gets ignored. I will never understand that there is no time to answer a text, but there is plenty of time to spend on FB commenting on other people’s posts. And that even though I am myself an Introvert (INFJ) type…

      There isn’t much that you can do except to gather the stregth and patience to put up with this or decide, once you had enough, to move on. I’ve been close to that point more than once but for some reason she seems to sense when my limit is reached and opens up again… briefly only of course…

      I wish you good luck and patience.

    • Brenda Knowles October 13, 2014 at 3:47 pm - Reply

      I think most introverts have the best intentions of being there for our loved ones. We can talk for hours if the conversation is meaningful. We love depth and one on one discussions about BIG talk (versus small talk). Quite often we are energized by such resonating conversations, especially in the beginning. We have our rose colored glasses on and are seeing all the amazing qualities in our partner, then we get into routines and need our space. We need time to pursue our work/thinking uninterrupted. If he gives you a time when he will see you after his retreat and comes looking for you, then I would say that he is interested in continuing the relationship. We have a cycle of being ON for our partners and significant people and then retreating to recharge then being ON again…

      Your man may find it tiresome to voice his love for you. He may think it’s obvious.

      You have to decide if this is enough for you. It is perfectly reasonable/necessary for you to voice your needs. Your desires should be honored as well.

      Best of luck! Thank you for sharing.:)

  54. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  55. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  56. Zara August 18, 2014 at 11:55 am - Reply

    Ok so this makes so much sense. I have been quite scared when affection of others turns me off or make me want to run away from them. Not just in relationships but generally I feel repulsed if someone shows too much appreciation or affection to me or if someone wants too much of my attention. So does this mean I start feeling this way because when it goes overboard it depletes my energy and I don’t have anything left to give? If someone wants too much contact I stop replying in the end because it feels like i have nothing more to say but also I feel really worried and scared that I am unable to accept affection and unable to connect deeply.
    Is there a way to balance this? Like for instance if a friend wants to keep complaining about their situation and you have given all the help you could give, how do you keep the friend and still not feel drained in their presence. I seem to lose such people from my life. Same goes for guyz who try to hold on to me too much or want to get too close.

    • Brenda Knowles August 19, 2014 at 7:21 am - Reply

      There could be several things going on here. You could have a hard time with affection and attention because it generally comes with some sort of energy commitment from you, which could be draining if you are an introvert. Honestly, some people are just energy vampires. They talk on and on about minutiae and it wears our battery down (even extrovert’s batteries).

      I also have a friend who has a hard time with positive attention because he doubts its genuineness. He doesn’t believe it or he feels the other person is being ‘fake’, which he can’t stand.

      Lastly, it takes a lot of trust to connect deeply and vulnerably with others. Are you able to trust anyone? Do you have close personal relationships that foster the freedom to let down your guard? If you don’t then you may not know how to connect deeply. It only takes one person to open the gates to emotional intimacy. It took me a long (30+ years) to make genuine friends and meet men that allowed me to be 100% myself. You may be scared of rejection. You may be scared of engulfment. I’d say the first step is to figure out who you are and then find people who allow you to be you. There is a deeply satisfying feeling when you find yourself in such relationships.
      Thank you for sharing so candidly. Your awareness will help guide you to nurturing relationships. I urge you to be open to them.

  57. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  58. Simi August 4, 2014 at 6:34 pm - Reply

    You’re writing is so sensual it’s like sipping peppermint tea, or eating a meal in France. I’m so envious 🙂
    Any tips or posts on becoming a better writer? You seem so in tune with your emotions when you’re write I have a hard time expressing it as accurately as you do. Your writing have helped me realize my own feelings.

    • Brenda Knowles August 5, 2014 at 7:01 am - Reply

      Let your spirit out to play!:) I have a feeling you have a lot to say and would have a lot of colorful stories if you let yourself write freely. Be vulnerable. Be honest. There’s a plus/minus with being extremely in tune with your emotions but when it comes to writing, it helps.

      My absolute favorite book on writing is Brenda Ueland’s If You Want to Write. She changed my ideas about creativity and writing. I also recommend doing some intuitive writing. Look up writing prompts online and then allow yourself to respond to the prompts for a set amount of time without stopping your pen or typing. No judging or editing as you compose, just let it all fly.;) If you could do this with trusted friends or family and then share what you want, all the better. Natalie Goldberg and Anne Lamott also have amazing advice about writing. Explore and enjoy!

  59. Charles August 4, 2014 at 2:23 pm - Reply

    Oh boy…First thank you, you are a very sexy intelligent introvert super self aware and giving invaluable insight to others of us who always knew but not exactly what.

    I am a 41yo male introvert who craves a loving and deep relationship always have but also confused by the need for solitude. Of course it’s always taken the “wrong” way or probably more so my own lack of understanding to be able to articulate. I always knew I was different in this way or knew I was introverted but didn’t really know what it actually meant or how to even “explain” myself to anyone. It’s tough living in a world of E’s and I think it’s equally challenging for us to understand why would anybody want to be around people or someone all the time. Much gratitude for your blog and other articles I’ve recently found on my journey to self discovery.

    Unfortunately it is a downward spiraling relationship with an extrovert that forced me to really try and figure out what the hell is going on with the dynamics here LOL. Needy people are very repelling to me I feel all squished up and it’s kind of disgusting like negative energy. So as synchronicity would have it I’m in a 2 yr relationship with an extrovert with abandonment issues go figure. My job has me traveling always to the same place and I’m.. on 7 days off 7 days, so in a lot of ways it’s perfect because I have my time away and it’s a given and not time that needs negotiations. When I’m in town I always spend most days or evening with my SO but I always need at least 1 day to myself to feel “right”. I do not have children and never wanted any of my own and I’m really understanding now why that is……kids are great in short bursts know what I mean. So my GF has an 8yo who is sweet hearted but the boy is high energy and doesn’t listen which drives me bats*it (normal kid behavior I know). Anyway we do not cohabitate as of yet but she’s really pushing the “I want, need, have to have the family unit sharing space ect.” thing and it scares the crap out of me that any free space I have at home will go away and I will have no escape if and when I need it. The more she pushes and wants to talk about the future the more anxious and feeling like I need to run I become. Ideally for me I want to have my own space i.e. separate living space and a loving committed relationship, however that is not something her soul could conform to. She is a therapist to top it off but doesn’t understand introverts and I’ve been accused of being a loner, hurtful, avoidant about certain conversations and “I never say anything” or bring anything up which is not entirely true. We’ve had very deep meaningful conversations…..It’s just not something I’m capable of all the time. I seem to always get points across and listen to hers after we’ve had a blow out, things seem fine for a bit and then we enter this cycle again. Now we’ve just broken up AGAIN ugh and I can’t keep doing this. She’s getting better but is more of a negative nancy personality and I feel like I always have to take care of her emotional needs. I’m fine with that to a degree but it becomes too much at times…………I’m scared I will feel too suffocated if I were to move in with her and implode. She’s not forcing an immediate future scenario but it feels like tremendous pressure to make a promise to me is like marriage. FYI I do really love this woman despite our disfunction…….I could go on but I won’t and I know no one has my answer I’m just feeling the love here and wanted to share ; )

    • Brenda Knowles August 5, 2014 at 6:47 am - Reply

      I think you just described a situation many of us are familiar with. I absolutely understand your fear of suffocation if you choose to live with your SO and her son. Your personal space will shrink. That is one of the things I love about dating — I can enjoy someone’s company and then go home to my own bed, desk, writing, reading, etc. But I am like you in that I deeply appreciate a loving relationship as well. Introverts and extroverts can and often do, make wonderful pairs. What I have found to be essential in these relationships is a mutual respect. There must be an appreciation (not just a tolerance) for each other’s temperaments. Neither is better or worse, just different. It’s OK and even healthy to have boundaries. If you need a day to yourself in order to be the best man you can be, then you should feel safe to say and request that. On the flip side, she should be able to request your presence. It’s OK to set up a schedule.

      I think your instincts are right in that living together would be a challenge but your work schedule might help with that. You can love someone and not want to be with them every day. I can tell that you care for this woman but are having an inner struggle with how much you can handle. Please don’t feel guilty about your needs. They’re real and are just as valid as an extrovert’s need to interact.

      I always recommend having a sense of humor about relationships and the struggles we face with our partners who want more of us. Don’t take everything too seriously. This is love. It’s not logical and linear. It’s an experience and an education along with a whole lot of amazing.

      Thanks for writing in and sharing your story. Keep us posted. I’m always up for hearing about ways couples with an introvert component figure out how to live compatibly. What makes it all sing for you? What challenges do you overcome and how?

      • Charles August 6, 2014 at 11:48 am - Reply

        So is there also a certain amount of emotional unavailability that comes with being an introvert?

        • Brenda Knowles August 6, 2014 at 4:27 pm - Reply

          I think we can be extremely emotionally available but just not all the time. In fact, some introverts would much rather be emotionally available than socially or physically available. Meaningful conversations energize me but attending a lot of social events or doing and doing activities wears me out. We need boundaries so we are not depleted. When we are depleted we aren’t the best partner. I highly recommend sharing some of your new found awareness regarding introversion with your GF. Many people have shared space2live’s posts with their partners.That way she won’t take your solo requests as personally.

  60. miera June 24, 2014 at 11:07 pm - Reply

    hey, thank you so much for your posts! i am an INFJ, after discovering my label, my life changed a lot. i had always thought i was weird will all this “re-charge” moments, in fact other people too think it was weird and i honestly can’t explain to them about that feeling. after reading more about personality types and finally ended up here (glad i did), i am really excited. Moreover, after reading comments here and how you wholeheartedly responds to them.
    i wanted to ask several questions regarding my relationship. i am not sure whether i am doing this right…but…

    i’ve known this guy since (i cant even remember).. we knew each other by names since young but just recently get “emotionally” intimate. its been 2 years now that we’ve started texting and stuffs. and about 6 months that we are more “physically” intimate. he is an ESTP, hard to believe but we go together pretty well. he understands about my “alone/recharge” time. although sometimes he fail to grasp that signal. but when i told him i need some time, he will give me. not only understanding my alone time, he even understands about me and my social-anxiety. when we were out, he often will take the lead to talk to people (if we happen to see anyone we know or anyone else such as cashier man/ waitress). he too understand that i cant be in crowds and that he doesn’t mind spending our time together at home or any other less crowded place.

    but all this things somehow worries me. he payed so much attention about my needs that i am scared he is doing too much for me. i am not sure why am i feeling this way when i am probably one of the luckiest girl having such an understanding guy. but, i kept thinking that i might fail to satisfy his need. as an extrovert, i know he is “charged” buy external factors, but it doesn’t seem like he get enough of those when i am around. not only that but, it seems like i dont (because i cant… i am busy with my studies, my family, and not to mention, my alone time) give him all the attention he needs. he maybe understanding and all, but he is also demanding at times. the attention he might need is sometime outrageous, he would ask me to meet him days consecutively with more than 4 hours/meeting or excessive texts. but then when i told him i have to go or i cant, he will understand and give me my time. he even apologizes for taking too much of my time, although he was always picking my holiday as “our day”. when he is busy, he wouldn’t even mind putting all things away or even do them earlier for us.

    our relationship status is awkward. i will never say we are currently in a “boyfriend- girlfriend” relationship. this will get interesting because, believe it or not, i am the one who would always pull back whenever our conversations start to talk about feelings. i do, i extremely do love emotion-related conversation, but somehow not when exposing mine. i trust him entirely but i dont know why am i feeling this way. i tried to browse about this problem and fail to get any. all INFJ-related readings i’ve read never mention anything about this.

    he kept complaining on how i never sent him “sweet” texts. or the fact that i never start texting before he started it. or the fact that i refuse to pick up his calls (i reject his calls and reply via text; he first dont get it but he still tries to understand me and now, call me less often). or even me refusing a hold hand in public. or even a cheek-kiss or small hugs. i do want to express my feelings towards him more. but all this thing felt awkward. i dont feel comfortable doing all this (especially in public). i am wondering if this is a selfish thought but i was thinking that the fact i agreed meeting him and be his company is how i express my love. i dont go out, but i am willing to, for him. or me trying to give him his “guy” time alone like hanging out with his friends or playing his games. i too give him his time alone when he need to watch or when he have stuffs to do.

    but am i too selfish? am i being too inconsiderate? i am not sure what to do to show him more of my affection (aside from sweet talks which, i am obviously skipping). i sometime feel like, he is too good for me that i dont deserve all his kindness. its like being in this unbalance relationship where he gives more and i get more. should i just start putting my personal thoughts away (out of my comfort zone) and actually do all these things which will satisfy him?

    and oh… additional info which you might relate my problems to is, i somehow have this scared feeling of loving him too much because i am soon going to move abroad to continue my study.

    (sorry for this…. long post, i am extremely sorry. tried to shortened it but… uh… i cant)

    best of luck for you! 😀
    and once again thank you for your posts! they maybe just a post but they helped me (a lot), and i believe they helped many other people out there too!

    • Brenda Knowles June 26, 2014 at 8:03 am - Reply

      First of all, I think you are very self-aware and it’s obvious you care about this man. Many introverts are very private. I know several INFJs. They can have a tough outer shell but a warm, caring interior. It might not feel natural to you to initiate texting and offer up ‘sweet’ words. I know I only feel comfortable sending lovey-dovey messages if I trust my partner completely. I don’t feel a need to send texts often. I do like to stay connected but sometimes texts seem like interruptions. I don’t want to bother anyone and sometimes I just want to do my work or enjoy my leisure time without having to correspond with anyone. I understand how you feel like going out with and spending time with him is your way of giving to the relationship. It is your time and you are choosing to spend it with him. Sweet texts and public displays of affection are extras. You may not have the energy for those. Introverts use up energy while interacting.

      It sounds like you have had some open and honest conversations with your guy. He understands your need for alone time. That’s awesome! If you can help him see you are not rejecting him by sending infrequent lovey texts or refusing PDA then you are doing well.:) It’s good that you are setting up boundaries now. Be mindful of your needs but also respectful of his feelings. Keep the communication open and honest.

      The truth is if he needs more affection and attention then he will look elsewhere. It seems like he is truly interested in you. Relax and enjoy what you have. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Be the best companion you can.

      It is possible you are afraid of getting too close before you leave to study abroad. That is natural. It is also possible you are looking forward to time away from him, starting a new adventure. Only you know how much you care about this man.

      I know of another blog – Introvert, Dear – that caters to INFJs. You might want to check it out if you haven’t already.

      Best of luck! It seems you are handling things thoughtfully. Keep up the awareness and kindness.:)

  61. pinkgtm June 24, 2014 at 12:24 pm - Reply

    Reblogged this on pinkgtm14.

  62. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  63. elizabeth May 12, 2014 at 7:44 am - Reply

    I am so happy I saw this. For a long time I thought I was a weirdo, but you nailed me. I can’t stand needy partners. I feel like I can’t breath! I usually find myself locking ky food at home and closing all windows and doors and just spend a quiet day watching tv. It helps me recollect my thoughts. Without it I just blow a fuse and end up looking like a lunatic.after I re energies am such a pleasant person. But when someone gets too close I usually push them away or run! I wonder if I can ever survive being married. But thank you. Atleast I know am not alone. Was worried.

    • Brenda Knowles May 12, 2014 at 2:42 pm - Reply

      Don’t worry! You are definitely not alone in your need to be alone.;) Downtime is energizing. Respect and honor that about yourself. Find others who can understand your needs. They’re out there.

  64. Sarah Daley May 9, 2014 at 3:37 am - Reply

    Hi Brenda,
    Your blog has been very helpful to me in the past day or so, however I fear it may be a little too late. A relationship that I had been having with someone who I believe is an Introvert ended last week and I have been trying to piece it together. The man was a 30 something year old, PhD student (in social theory) who I felt was a very kind and loving partner, however he also came across often as incredibly self absorbed and busy in his work (understandably I am mostly an extrovert, and have a wide social network and enjoy others company, especially in times of need, I do, however also enjoy time alone to reflect on things.

    My I partner and I had never had a big argument, and any issues we seemed to resolve with respect and maturity. I did often feel I wasnt getting enough from him (sometimes 4 days would go by without even a good night text) and over the past week or so I had been talking to friends about my dissatisfaction in his inability to communicate on a regular basis.

    I had sent him a few messages indicating that I would appreciate it if he responded to me within 24 hours, but nothing offensive or rude, just a reminder of my needs. I felt we had a very strong emotional and physical connection; however often there would be silences out in public that I found difficult to deal with. Last week I asked him if he wanted to be in the relationship, and he said he wasn’t sure if he could write his best thesis if I was around. We met for lunch during the week and I tried to express that I was here for him but needed him to be here for me also. I feel now that me wanting more may have caused the anxiety and driven him to need his space. I did always try to be very patient and I believe I was understanding of his need for alone time, but more because of his PhD rather than it being about his introverted personality type.

    When we met for lunch and I asked if things were ok, he paused and said he wasn’t sure. We left it on him explaining he needed time to think. I was not emotional, nor needy as I have been in part relationships when things are falling apart, and I believe we left on calm and respectful terms. Now I am however wondering if we could make things work, having a better understanding of these personality difference. If he reaches out, I feel I would like to discuss our different I and E types, or would that feel like a head-ache and too much to an I?

    (Apologies for the essay)

    • Brenda Knowles May 12, 2014 at 2:39 pm - Reply

      I am so sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I somehow missed your comment and went on to others. My personal opinion is that you should definitely talk to him about appreciating and valuing your E and I preferences. I would wait for an opportune time. Perhaps when he reaches out to you after significant time to himself. E and I relationships can work very well they just take understanding and a true valuing of each other’s temperaments. Communication is key. He should honor your needs as well as his. It sounds like you were more than patient regarding his PhD work. Listen to what he says very carefully. He is trying to fill you in without hurting your feelings or creating too much conflict. Conflict is draining for everyone by especially for introverts. My suggestion for you is to expend yourself and work on what makes you content. He will appreciate your independent ways and will look forward to meaningful engagement when you are together.
      I always tell my extroverted readers not to take an introvert’s need for space personally. Sometimes they do want to be done with the relationship but most of the time they just need to connect with themselves in solitude. Best of luck!

      • SadGirl June 12, 2014 at 5:26 pm - Reply

        Hi Brenda, For the past few days I have been researching the internet about introverts and I came across your blog and it has helped me so much. I have always been a very social and loud person. I always came to think of myself as always getting what I want. In December I met this guy. He made me laugh so much and I just felt drawn to him. I messaged him on facebook, and then we started texting. We text just about every single day all day up untill 2 weeks ago. We talked about everything. He told me so many things that had happened in his life and he said he had never told anyone before. He did tell me he was an introvert but I didnt really think anything of it and never took the time to research. He would explain that he needed to recharge. He would recharge for a day or two and then text me he was back lol. Again I just thought it was his way of sleeping or something. He told me no one ever stuck around to see how great of a person he was except me. I told him he was amazing so many times. He did scold me a few times when I overly text him. He called me about a handful of times because he said I earned it. lol 2 weeks ago he finally came to my house after me asking him numerous times. We talked, did whatever, but then I was asking him not to leave when he wanted to, thats a buig no no that I wish I knew before. I wanted him to spend the night. He wouldnt and I kept asking and asking. Then he left and I called him about 5 times asking him to come back. Well there was drinks in both of us of course. But two days after he told me that he never wants to talk to me again. I feel like I ruined our friendship. Ive been so upset and beating myself up about it. Now that i have studied introverts, I see I put him through hell. I recently sent him a message explaining that i understand now and asking to give me another chance when hes ready. Im just not sure if he will ever talk to me again. He just ignores me now. I told him that I was so wrong and that i except him and I want to learn more. He so amazing and I just feel so bad I put him through all that. Do you think he will get past this and reach out to me or should I give up?

        • Brenda Knowles June 14, 2014 at 6:41 am - Reply

          I wouldn’t say that you put him through hell with your repeated asking for him to stay with you. I think you just made him think that he would never have enough space to himself with you. It probably felt like you were going to want to spend more and more time with him until he had no alone time at all. You spooked him. Made him feel claustrophobic or like he can’t breathe.
          Constant texting can be exciting but it also can feel like interruptions. Interruptions are part of life but too many and they become highly irritating to the introvert. It’s so hard for us to get back into our deep processing after the interruption.
          From what you said, I would guess that he really enjoyed your meaningful conversations. You talked about meaty and valuable subjects that deeply engaged his mind and possibly his heart. That is what attracted him to you. For introverts it’s wonderful to have deep connections and then have time to think about them on our own. Sometimes we fall in love with someone in between contact with them.;) I would say your best bet would be to give him space for now. If he comes back into your life, I encourage intimacy of all kinds but then space to reflect and recharge for him. It’ a cycle. If that doesn’t work for your temperament (because you both should be honored) then perhaps he is not the right man for you anyway. Best of luck! Thank you for sharing your story. Keep us posted if you like.:)

  65. Alex May 5, 2014 at 9:50 pm - Reply

    Hi there! Just stumbled upon this post while reading up online of ways to improve my current relationship. I’m a very severe extrovert seeing a fairly severe introvert who also happens to be in his final year of studying computer engineering. We’re both in our early twenties; this is my first serious relationship and perhaps his second or third. We were on and off for several months, but nearly five months ago, we entered into a real exclusive relationship. Since then, it has certainly had its ups and downs with me feeling like “you don’t care about me” and he feeling like “you pay too much attention to me.” The thing is we undeniably care very deeply for one another and have talked about a future together and how fulfilling we find one another. As of late though, his resistance to labels is really putting me in a bad place. Neither of us is seeing anyone else; we go on semi-frequent dates, and we kiss whenever we part. Rarely a day goes by that we do not talk at all. For all intents and purposes, he is my boyfriend. And yet he refuses to call himself my boyfriend because “the dynamic isn’t right” and “the relationship is unbalanced” meaning I put far too much of myself into the operation of the relationship and pay far too much attention to him. Accordingly he does not want to enter a relationship as my “boyfriend” with such a significant unbalance. As an extrovert, though, sweet texts and professions of care etc are things I love. But they seem burdensome for him. He is committed to making it work with me; his advice was “if you give me more space and pay less attention to me, you will get the affection and expressiveness you want.” He claims with every nice thing I say, he withdraws further and further into himself. And, again, on top of all of this he resists the “boyfriend” label. I feel as though I show great understanding with him, and I just want to make sure I’m not wasting my time on him. I feel as though I could love him, but I want to make sure I’m doing it “right.” It is very clear he cares deeply for me, and I believe he is invested in the relationship. I guess I’m just looking for another introvert’s perspective on my story!

    • Brenda Knowles May 6, 2014 at 2:04 pm - Reply

      Hmmm. Do you feel like the relationship is growing or plateauing? If it’s not growing, i.e. you spend a little more time together, you advance physical intimacy, you make future plans (I know you did mention this) than where is it going or are you happy with staying at this level of companionship?
      It does sound like you are as patient as possible with him. Does he have a lot of passions or outside interests? Do you? My advice to you would be to develop your self. Introverts love independent and self-aware partners. We do like to connect meaningfully but not all the time. If he is into his work (studying computer engineering) or other interests, he wants to spend focused time on them. Not to say that he should not spend time with you. Both of your temperaments should be honored. I am saying you will be more attractive to him if you don’t need his attention so badly. I’m not sure why he’s so against being your ‘boyfriend’. It is just a label. Does he want to appear single to other women? Is he afraid of being serious with someone? How/why did his other relationships end? Have you asked him point blank how much attention he would like? If he cares about you he will want to make sure you feel secure. You may have to tone down your expectations. One or two texts a day shouldn’t be too much. Seeing each other occasionally (at least once a week) should be manageable. We are all different, even when talking solely about introverts. I am a very expressive introvert, to the point where most people would think I’m an extrovert. Your guy sounds more reserved. Let him live in his cave/world/zone for a while. Do your thing. See if he emerges craving you. Most of us would if we were truly interested. Best of luck! Thank you for sharing your story.

  66. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  67. Discovery | Sunflower Solace Farm April 27, 2014 at 10:36 am - Reply

    […] “Love Me or Leave Me, But Don’t Need Me Too Much” […]

  68. soulgirl April 20, 2014 at 8:14 am - Reply

    I’m an ambivert. I met a great (introverted) guy at work that flirted with me all the time. Then, he left for a year but eventually returned and I kicked things off asking why he never phoned me after he left. For 8 or 9 months he still would never ask me out, but almost daily he would make an excuse to see me by inviting me to meet him at the coffeepot. I pressed him about taking me out and he said he was not ready to make a move to date me. We had a rough few months that eventually ended by me finally being so fed up with his inability to connect to me, I said some very hurtful things to him and we didn’t talk for 2 months, he avoided me by going to another break room at work. During those 2 months, I had began to reconnect with a relationship with someone I had been seeing in the past, but that would be a distance relationship if it worked, and even if he was here, he’s not my first choice. Which brings me to where I am now… About 2 months ago, I received a text from the introvert that he left my employer for good and he wanted to see me. Yay! I didn’t even have to think, I wanted to see him too. So, I did, right then! Since that time, he has only seen me two other times. Each time was me asking him to see me. I get rejected (via text) far more times than I can count, it’s hurtful. I don’t need a whole lot, I’ve explained all I want is to get to see him for a couple hours at the least each weekend. He can’t ever make plans ahead of time (with me). He tells me how beautiful he finds me and that I am great person with a lot to offer (someone), but, I am a wildcard (because of when I got angry with him). Is it possible for him to ever have a sense of attachment to me? I am afraid to cut the strings entirely on my distance relationship for fear that he will buy a plane ticket, then my introvert will start to step up to bat. I don’t want to hurt my distance friend, but don’t want to be left empty handed. He also is a good guy. Good single men are not easy to come by in my 40’s. I’m afraid to lose it all.

    • Brenda Knowles April 21, 2014 at 2:45 pm - Reply

      My outsider view tells me neither of these men is the one you’ve been waiting for. I am also in my 40s so I understand the difficulties in finding a good man.:)
      I think you deserve more attention from your introverted man than he is willing to give. I think you’ve given him ample time to step up. We introverts like our space but if there is a meaningful connection we will accommodate the object of our desire. I’m not saying we will devote our ever waking moment to someone but consistently getting together is not too much to ask. He should want to honor your temperament as well.
      It doesn’t sound like you are as into your long distance relationship. He is just filling a void.
      My suggestion? Do your own thing and shine. You will be all the more attractive to quality men. If you can date these other gentleman casually while you create your own happiness go for it! Best of luck! Thank you for sharing your story.:)

  69. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live) […]

  70. Hakan April 8, 2014 at 4:26 am - Reply

    “Socializing with lots of people (although enjoyable) can drain us.”

    I don’t agree with the part “although enjoyable”. I often don’t enjoy socialization, it depends how I feel that day. Usually I prefer to be alone.

    • Brenda Knowles April 8, 2014 at 1:53 pm - Reply

      Point taken Hakan. There are days when I don’t find socializing appealing or enjoyable. Thanks for chiming in.:)

  71. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  72. Olubiyi April 3, 2014 at 3:21 pm - Reply

    Hi, i’m an extrovert and i was in a relationship with an extrovert… Initially the relationship was so great, we got to spent so much time with each other but as time goes on, i could not keep with the pace in which she desired attention and all my effort in keeping up with her emotional demands drains me off the energy i should be using on other important things that pertains to me.., i later reduced the amount of attention i was giving to her and started focusing on something else…, in a nutshell she broke up with me
    Now i’m dating an introvert but i can’t just connect with her, she seems so cold and distant.., she rarely call or text me.., though she profess that she loves me but i can’t just see it!

    • Brenda Knowles April 4, 2014 at 2:05 pm - Reply

      Hmmm. You need a happy medium, like an ambivert.:) Or… you could try communicating openly about connecting with your introverted girlfriend. It’s possible that she will need more time to herself than is comfortable for you but she may also start to feel closer and more relaxed around you allowing for ‘parallel play’ (being in the same room but doing different things) to occur.

      Bliss requires awareness, appreciation and respect for differences. A healthy sense of humor is always good too.:)

      Best of luck! Thank you for commenting.

  73. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  74. Steve March 16, 2014 at 9:14 am - Reply

    Too bad I don’t have a time machine. I recently broke up with my introvert. I regret my choice to break up so much because I have never loved anybody as much as I loved her, and breaking up has given me no relief, whatsoever. I’m 27, she’s 22. I am, according to a Myers-Briggs, and extroverted introvert. This relationship has convinced me that I am likely codependent. I get the impression that codependency +introversion can easily bring forth bad chemistry. I broke up with my girlfriend because she wasn’t spending much time with me. She would spend many weekends in isolation, at home with “Mommy,” neither calling nor texting me. I am head-over-heels for her and have been for a long time. So, any weekends that she’d spend in isolation, I would spend suffering, wondering how she feels, if something wrong, etc. I just didn’t know anything about introversion, apart from glib generalities that should be expected from the common public. I didn’t know that introversion could so deeply define who a person is. She often posted comics on her friend’s facebook wall, depicting introverts. I didn’t that them seriously enough. I wanted to. Rather than pursuing the topic on the internet or in a book store, I asked her about her habit of isolating. I asked her too often. She, as opposed to much of what I’ve read here, liked small talk, rather than deep discussions. The deep emotional stuff terrifies her. She would freeze anytime I tried to engage her in a discussion about her isolation, her feelings, etc. I assumed it had to do with depression because she is also bipolar II. While bipolar is still a variable, she is introverted enough that she claims it defines her as a person. I can accept that. But I am accepting it too late. I broke up with her over 3 weeks ago. I just bought a book called Quiet, by Susan Cain, and began navigating the web for more info. I believe I am quite understanding of the women I date but, I am still so naive. I used a one size-fits all approach to my introvert. I figured that pushing emotionally-charged discussions at her, to get to know her, would open her up and, even, perceive me as a guy who truly cares. Instead, I “pushed her into a corner,” to use her own words. She reacted by retreating more and more from me, spending less and less time with me. In the end, she accused me of asking her to spend every last minute with her when, in reality, she was spending a meager 5hrs per week with me and thinking nothing of it (or so it seemed). Reading many of the articles and comments in this site have added insight to hindsight. Now, I realize I was not 1/4 as understanding as I thought I was. I wanted to be but, I just didn’t have any knowledge of introversion. 2 weeks after the breakup, her step mother died. Any comment I made to her annoyed her and, now, I don’t know if reuniting is possible. I have never been one to seek a reunion but, this time, I realize my failure. I want to understand, accept and learn to live with her, despite my codependency.

    • Brenda Knowles March 16, 2014 at 9:42 pm - Reply

      Did you say you are an extroverted introvert? Susan Cain’s Quiet is the perfect book to read to get a realistic understanding of introverts. It sounds like you weren’t satisfied with the amount of time your (ex)girlfriend spent with you. I don’t think that will change. It may have even been difficult for her to ask for time alone. Only you know if you can handle a partner who will consistently need time in solitude.

      Kudos to you for researching introversion. What you learned could be valuable with your ex-girlfriend or with any other relationships you take part in. Don’t forget your temperament and relationship desires should be honored too. It takes appreciation and respect for all differences for a relationship to work. A sense of humor goes a long way too.

      Interesting that she didn’t like deep conversations. Perhaps she has wounds she’s protecting. Not all introverts want emotionally intimate conversations but in general we like to save our energy for the meaningful talk rather than spilling it all during surface conversations.

      Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best whether you make an attempt to reunite with your girlfriend or move on with your new insights.

  75. Susan March 9, 2014 at 8:12 pm - Reply

    I have been lurking and reading your posts for a few months now. As an introvert, I deeply appreciate your honesty, advice and perspectives on living in an extrovert driven society – oh, and those relationships too 😉

    I have been dating an introvert for nearly 2 years. I love how we value mutual respect and patience, giving each other space to be alone. We live an hour apart and normally spend the weekends with each other. I am not someone who craves a lot of emotional intimacy but rather a nice medium, not too much and not too little. I certainly don’t need it everyday, maybe 2-3 times a week of sweet tender words shared between couples. “I love you because….” or “I was thinking about you and how lucky I am to have you in my life….” Nothing major but just enough to fill the love bank. lol

    It bothers me how little and infrequent he shares intimate emotions with me. Even when we are physically intimate, he focuses more on himself. This has been a major issue in our relationship to the point I have debated if we are a good match. I can’t seem to get him to understand women are emotional creatures and an emotional connection is the glue of the relationship. Well, at least for me 🙂 The cycle usually goes I make it an issue, he is more open with me with his feelings for a few weeks and then it just stops. After 2-3 weeks go by without any real emotional connection (I have a wait and see approach), I begin to feel a void, make a fuss and the cycle begins again.

    How can I get my introvert boyfriend to value what is important to me and my core needs?

    • Susan March 9, 2014 at 9:11 pm - Reply

      I should mention that he is helping me market my business, taking on the role as Marketing Agent. He has put in a lot of hours reading marketing strategies and making suggestions. He is amazing and does so much for my business.

      I can see he is doing this out of love for me. The irony is, it feels more like a business relationship with perks. I wish he would tell me how he appreciates and loves me too. Even texting me a romantic message would suffice!

    • Brenda Knowles March 10, 2014 at 8:30 am - Reply

      I’ve been there. It’s frustrating in many ways but I always find it especially disappointing when physical intimacy is still expected but the emotional intimacy is missing. Emotional intimacy for me is the primer for meaningful physical intimacy. The majority of men (based on Myers Briggs research) are more logical thinkers/communicators as opposed to the warm and fuzzy feeling types. He may be perplexed about how to even start an emotionally satisfying conversation. Chances are it’s not his strongest skill so he shies away from it. My guess is he feels confident at showing love with acts of service, i.e. the help with your business. When he does open up be sure to praise and reward him like crazy. Make sure he feels extra safe with you so that vulnerability isn’t a gigantic risk for him. I don’t know how old you are, but I’m finding more hard-nosed/thinker/analytical type men who are post 40 start to get what it means to let down your guard and show sensitivity and love. I think they’ve taken a few blows to the ego and figure out valuable caring and sharing are.
      He may simply be a very practical and logical man who thinks love language is flowery and silly. Make sure he knows that in order for your relationship to work you need emotional connection. If he values your relationship he may be willing to work at it. They love cause and effect reasoning.;) If he can’t come through for you perhaps you are better off with a more warm and open man.
      I wish you much luck. Be mindful of your needs and respect and appreciate his too. I hope you learn and grow together.:)

      • Susan March 10, 2014 at 8:28 pm - Reply

        Thank you so very much for sharing your insight and perspective. You hit the nail on the head. You have described him perfectly and yes, he is 40. Double points!

        It drives me batty because he is incredibly thoughtful, smart, encouraging, dedicated, kind and sincere. He has so many great qualities I admire in him. But without the emotional connection, I feel lonely and am discovering I can’t be in a relationship without it. I loved what you said about “emotional intimacy being a primer for meaningful physical intimacy.” How right you are. On one hand, I have this great guy! We both understand our introvert needs for alone time and space. Sometimes I wonder if he is more of a introvert than I am.

        On the other hand, he knows the importance I place on having an emotional connection with him. It was 17 months into our relationship before he said those 3 words to me. That has kind of always bugged me. In fairness, he does text me “I love you” or “I miss you” a few times a week – that is the extent of it. I have mentioned to him a few times that it would be nice to hear how he loves me or what about me he cherishes. There is deliciousness to experience when speaking the language of love.

        But what happens if I feel I have given him tons of positive reinforcement when he has been more open and repeatedly explained how vital it is for my core needs? I am beginning to wonder he chooses to be insensitive and is taking our relationship for granted.

        Should I just back off of our relationship, create new boundaries and not be as available? Please forgive me if I am going outside of the introvert domain and into the more nitty girtty area. I am curious to listen to your suggestions.


        • Brenda Knowles March 11, 2014 at 1:35 pm - Reply

          Have you read or seen online the book, The 5 Love Languages? I’m guessing one of yours is Words of Affirmation. It’s one of mine too. I’m guessing your boyfriend’s is not. He may be more of a Physical Touch or Acts of Service guy. Some men are just not good at being a warm communicator. It is beyond their realm of competence and confidence. At 40, he may be starting to develop some skills that eluded him before. I think at this point you take on the role of teacher and hope he loves you enough to learn or you back off and see if there is a more emotional and intimate man for you. I’ve been in relationships with men who are not emotionally intimate most of the time but then when things were ending they showed a remarkable amount of sincerity, sensitivity and warmth. It’s usually in there but many men are not self-aware or brave enough to express it. Only you know how evolved your guy is or could be. A big part of love and relationships is how we feel about ourselves when we are with someone. How do you feel with him? I hope my ramblings guide you in some way.:)

      • daemonzeiro March 6, 2015 at 6:25 pm - Reply

        I am an INTP female (not very common :/…introverted, ‘thinker’ – not ‘feeler’). When it comes to relationships, I feel INTENSE emotion but, this is my weakness and it terrifies me. As a ‘T’, emotions feel illogical on some level, which is contrary to my life perception that logic and reasoning should be always/forever dominant. The first thing I do when experiencing strong emotion is to try to subdue it- try to be stoic. I fear letting it out will risk a wild uncontrollable waterfall.

        The way to get an introverted-thinker (I-T-) to open up emotionally is really just practice. The more it happens, the more it will happen (with increased frequency). They like to see you experience emotion towards them and that will make them feel like it is also okay to show you their emotion. It doesn’t make it ‘easy’. And, I hate to say it, but any opportunity to interact with them when they are on the ‘breaking point’, the better. When they think they are going to blow up, they might retreat or try to focus on something superficial or different so that the emotions can’t escape. Don’t let them… coax the emotions out- even if they aren’t ‘good’ emotions. They might not want you to do this, but if you want to have a mentally and emotionally open relationship, it is necessary. To them, negative and positive emotional intensities are equally scary – and non-Feelers often don’t trust themselves with ‘feelings’. If you are incredibly socially awkward- going to a party is the last thing you want to do. Yet, the more parties you go to the better you’ll get. If you are incredibly emotionally inept- the last thing you want to do is to express emotion. Yet, the more emotion you express, the better you’ll get.

        Like I said, I am an INTP. It will be easier for an ‘N’ or a ‘P’ to recognize these things- it might be more difficult if your companion is an ‘S’ or ‘J’ as they tend to be more set in their ways- but the procedure should still work.

        • Brenda Knowles March 8, 2015 at 8:22 am - Reply

          Very interesting. My son is an INTP. You provided some valuable insight. Thank you. I have come to understand how uncomfortable he is with emotions (mine and his). He has a brilliant way of making them seem silly or stupid but another female INTP friend of mine, let me know that he most likely is just extremely uncomfortable and uneasy with any form of their expression. He doesn’t know how to handle emotions whether they are his or someone else’s. I have noticed an improvement as he matures (he’s 15 now). I will keep being me but at least now I have a small clue as to the inner-workings of my son. Thank you.:)

  76. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  77. wantingtomakeitwork February 19, 2014 at 2:55 pm - Reply

    Hi! I just came across this article and it was fantastic. I just realized today that the guy I am seeing is an introvert. It’s weird since I was married to one for ten years, you’d think I’d have seen the signs, but I was oblivious to them until I actually talked to my ex about him this morning while we were doing our kid exchange. (We have a great relationship FWI) And I was just venting on how I don’t understand this guy and I’d been researching men and how they think (I’ve been out of the dating pool for 16 years) and how lost I felt. My ex looked at me and said you’re looking up the wrong stuff. Everything you’ve told me, this guy’s an introvert. You need to be researching that.

    Me and my ex met under different circumstances. We had the same group of friends. We were were friend first, then moved to falling in love and then getting married. So I was just used to him. I never really thought about his introverted ways, it was always just the way he was.

    With this guy, we met online. And we texted for 9 weeks. I’ve apparently become more introverted as I’ve aged. I despise talking on the phone and this guy never wanted to. I loved that. In fact, we still only text. We are seeing each other now. He has a difficult time with women because of “mixed signals” I totally get this now because he confuses the ever-loving crap out of me. I actually understand it more now from the things I have read. I swear, reading about introverted men was like reading his personal description. Unfortunately, I worry if I have already messed things up with him and its too late to fix with things with him.

    I am a big sharer. I’m also blunt. Things were going great until I got a little too direct about him being too quiet and what I was viewing as “closed off” one night while we were together. Before that night, he hadn’t been like this, but this night was different. His reaction was not what I was expecting and he said, he was just hanging out and enjoying my company…and drama was something he wasn’t down with. I see now, he really was just enjoying my company, but at the time all I felt was isolated from him.

    Things were a little tense and awkward for about a week, but I backed off, like way back. And on Friday we had a really good conversation, and he was talking about the next time we get together.

    Long story short, he’s got a big change going on his life right now, which is also affecting thing between us. He will reach out to me every once awhile about it, but then, of course, once he does the initial reach out, he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. I do drop it. On Sunday, I sent him a text saying I was worried about him and hope everything was okay. His response was why are you worried about me I’m fine. Okay. We talked a little after this. The Sunday night something happened that I witnessed in the background and wasn’t apart of, but I saw where he was emotionally at that moment. To reach out to him, I sent him a hug via text told him I hurt for him. He never responded to that text. So later, I sent him message that I cared about him, he was my friend and worried about him. I respected his space, but if needed me I was here. He didn’t have to go through it alone. Well, he read the message…and again no response.

    Now I’m trying not to take things personally, especially with what I read today. He did send me text Monday night that stated, “just saying hey.” and then one Tuesday that stated he was sick, I responded that sucks. hope you feel better. and I got a thanks and smilie face reply back. If I text him, they are just very short, hope you feeling better.

    My first question is the fact that he is still contacting me at all is good sign, right? It might not be in the way I’m wanting, but I shouldn’t feel slighted? He is reaching on in the way he does, correct?

    My second thing is, if we make it past this, what tips can I have to make it easier for me to make it easier on him? I really care for him. I enjoy his company when we get to spend time together. We do live in about an hour apart and we kids, so its not been easier getting that face-to-face time. I don’t want to push him away with coming across to clingy. So we spend our time texting inbetween. Is there anything I can do to bridge the gap we’ve got going on right now or is just screwed up and theirs really nothing that can be done?

    Thank you very much. I really wish I’d come across this article weeks ago. So much would’ve made more sense. It would’ve saved me a lot of over-analyzing and freaking out too.

    • Brenda Knowles February 20, 2014 at 3:54 pm - Reply

      Hi! Thank you for sharing your story. I’ll try to give you some further insight.:) I do think it is a good sign that he is still in contact with you, especially if he is the one initiating occasionally. My gut feeling says that if he is going through something emotionally taxing his energy and mind space are taken up with that. He will not have the energy or desire to be repeatedly responsive. His inner world is so flooded with details and thoughts about the issue that he may feel overwhelmed or exhausted. It would be nice if you were there and able to give quiet affection but since you live apart texts and constant messages may feel like work or a distraction. I would let him come to you.

      For future connecting with him I suggest “parallel play”. An introverted man recently told me he enjoys that. Parallel play is being together in the same room but doing separate things. My friend told me a look or a touch every once in a while is meaningful to him. Sometimes more meaningful than a long conversation. Although he also enjoys intimate conversations about subjects that are significant to him. Chit chatting about daily routines will overload the introvert’s circuits. Sounds like drama turns your guy off too.

      Do you two email? Email to me seems easier to say more but still allows for personal discretion about when to read and respond.

      Best of luck to you. I might also suggest sending a post or two from space2live to him to read and discuss.:)

      • wantingtomakeitwork February 20, 2014 at 9:38 pm - Reply

        Hi Brenda,
        Thank you so much for the response. I will put these in my back pocket for *fingers crossed* the future. Some of them really won’t work for me at this time though because we are so new. We’re not even in a relationship, if that makes sense. I feel a very strong connection to him and we are still at that having fun stage, the ‘let’s see where it goes.’ We’ve been drawn to each other for some weird reason. Is it for a future relationship? I don’t know. Are we supposed to end up being some really killer friends? I don’t know. I just know I am very selective with who I associate with. (I’ve been single for four years. After one date, I’m usually done. I don’t even look again for months) He’s the only one I’ve felt a pull to. I don’t ignore those pulls. I never have. I’ve got great friends because of it. So I’m not easily deterred by some quirks. 🙂 I have quirks too. Lots of them actually.

        The funny thing is I started this research to learn about him. I actually ended up learning about myself as well. I’d always considered myself an extrovert. That’s not the case. I have a very outgoing personality, but I can also be extremely unapproachable at times. After reading all the information, I realize I am an introvert and went took that MBTI test and came back as an INFJ–that description is 99% me, except the always looking for the ultimate relationship. I don’t casual date. Never have.

        Here’s a question I have. He has been in a lot of failed relationships. Since I had no idea that I was actually an introvert is it at all possible that he doesn’t? He calls himself self-absorbed–to me that sounds more like what he’s been told. I actually don’t see that. Like he texted me tonight. Simple quick text about an hour ago, just let me know about his day. He didn’t have to text me to tell me that, but he knows I’m worried, so he sent an update text, so I wouldn’t. That’s not being self-absorbed. That’s actually being thoughtful.

        How would I broach that subject? The one thing with him is I do have tread carefully on how I bring up things. I’m not the type to sit on stuff, I’m just a ‘let’s get it out, talk it over, hear each other out and move on’ sort of person. He’s not like that. He does not like conflict at all. So I’m still trying to figure out how to softly ease into these things with him so he doesn’t feel attacked, i.e. I’m causing drama. There’s a way. I just got to figure it out.

        We don’t email. The only thing he has for internet is smartphone. So I don’t email. We actually have the exact same phone and even though I have internet and my gmail set-up on my phone, if I get an email, I wait until I get home to respond because I hate typing on that thing. Texting is one thing. Emailing on a tiny keyboard…yeah, no. He is looking into a laptop, so hopefully that is something that will change soon.

        My fingers are crossed for this weekend. If things go great for him (we’re not getting together, this is part of his personal issue he is having) I’m hoping it will pull him out of his funk. He’s “disappeared” on me for like 48 hours and stuff, but this is difference. There’s some depression in this, and rightfully so. I would be struggling. But it does make it harder for me to sit back and do nothing. But that seems to be what he needs right now with where our relationship is. I hope I’m gaining his trust if nothing else.

        Thank you again! You really have no idea how much this information has helped me. I’ve just been calmer. I needed answers.

        • Brenda Knowles February 22, 2014 at 9:38 am - Reply

          You might consider sending him a post from space2live with the message, “I read this piece today and it made me think of you. What are your thoughts on it?”. It’s a start to the introvert conversation. 🙂

          It would be good if you could put his actions into some kind of neutral observation so he doesn’t feel like you are judging him for needing alone time. Sharing a post on introversion could give you language to use. Keep giving him space. Let him approach you. But when the time is right gently let him know you have a deeper understanding of his needs now. Best of luck!

  78. Ambivert January 31, 2014 at 12:35 pm - Reply

    I know I’m kinda late on this, but after another argument with my introverted, engineer partner (double whammy!), I can’t help but feel annoyed. Being an introvert is like an excuse for doing things how he wants to- that’s how I see it. And what I’m getting from a number of the comments here to some extent, is that extroverts are needy and are the ones the need to adjust to accommodate introverts- when will an introvert look at what it means to be an extrovert and take some time to deal with us accordingly (I’m a mix of both, but more an extrovert- sure you can tell by now)? If it was up to my partner, he would work all day and not need a moment to talk or just spend time with me. I keep telling him the he needs to think about whether not he really should be in a relationship because he is completely fine by himself. I am not needy, but I sure would like to feel needed. Weird thing is that he says I don’t make him feel needed! If I ask him to let us go out occasionally, it’s a sacrifice to him. How can a relationship thrive without spending time together? And this is not even an every week thing; if we went out 10 times last year, that’s a lot!

    Where’s the balance? Why should I be the one giving space, and staying quiet and not bothering him so that he can recharge, etc.? What about the companionship that I desire to be recharged?

    Middle ground… That’s what I seek? Is that too much to ask from an introvert?

    • Brenda Knowles February 1, 2014 at 9:20 am - Reply

      No I don’t think expecting your partner to honor your temperament is too much to ask. I think many introverts feel we have morphed into the extroverted cultural norm for long enough and now want the extroverts to bend a little in our direction. That is the sentiment coming through in the comments on this blog (and after all it’s a blog about introversion – going to be slightly slanted;). That said, in the end it’s about the relationship as a whole. Both Es and Is need to be respected and honored. If you are not satisfied that needs to be communicated (which I think you do). If he is not willing to create a relationship with you, something beyond his needs, then it will be empty. I just posted an article from Mark Greene on the space2live FB fan page about relationships beyond individualism. He suggests creating a separate entity within your relationship, called ‘the relationship’. It’s not about his needs or your needs it’s about feeding the relationship. Check it out. It could be helpful.

      It sounds like your partner is making it clear how he prefers the relationship to run. Can you live with that? Is he working on a particular ‘mission’ at work? Will he be able to focus on you more later?

      I agree, without connecting and spending time together there is no relationship. I’ve been in your shoes. Ultimately, I moved on without him because I couldn’t take the disappointment of him not being there for me. He moved on to continue his work/mission.

      Best of luck to you. Introverts can be in committed relationships. We want to be honored and respected and we should honor and respect our partner’s temperament as well.

      • Ambivert February 19, 2014 at 10:16 pm - Reply

        Thanks Brenda, I appreciate your insight. I’m working through things from internally, instead of projecting. Turns out, I just need to spend more time with me :). This is a great article!

    • Kyla February 19, 2014 at 5:04 pm - Reply

      Ambivert I feel like we need to be friends! I have been with my I about a year and its definitely been a struggle, I am slowly learning not to take things to heart though, of course that doesn’t help the sometimes overwhelming feelings of “can I Do this, am I sure this is what I WANT”. When I read your comment however I could have very well wrote it myself! I understand EXACTLY how you feel, it may be helpful to have a fellow mix of a personality type dating the definition of an introvert to discuss and soundboard off each other!

      • Ambivert February 19, 2014 at 10:11 pm - Reply

        Kyla, I’m glad you understand. And I’m sure, after the turbulence in your mind subsides, there are moments, when things are fine. That’s where I am now, after a week of being absolutely MAD about feeling ignored. Thing is, I thankfully know that I want to be with him, so half my battle is won. I hope you will be able to know that soon. He’s a great man, and even saying that doesn’t seem to do him much justice.

        But guess what? I have found a solution that makes us both happy. Neither of us has to give up anything (:D yay me!). Here’s the secret- fill up your time with things YOU want to do. Trust me, he doesn’t mind one bit. I think socialisation has led women to believe that they need to ‘be there’ for their men. Between your mum’s or grandma’s theories, Celine and Barbra Streisand singing “Tell him”, and a whole lot of other corny references, we feel that a relationship somehow calls for us giving up a part of ourselves. That’s how I felt; I realised after some introspection. I’m flipping that script. I’ve been going out with friends, immersing myself in my work, exploring who I am… And I haven’t been happier. He’s fine too. I say less, which is really much easier than a 2 hour conversation about my feelings, and he’s actually opening up! Or maybe because I’m talking less, it seems he is talking more lol. Silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable anymore. I don’t think he’s mad at me or wonder if I did something wrong.

        Instead of trying to get him to understand me and be who I want him to be, I invest time in being me. We get along better that way. :).

        Hope this helps, and that you’ll be on your way to happiness with your love!

  79. Sandi Brockway January 26, 2014 at 2:00 pm - Reply

    “A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.”
    by Oscar Wilde
    But Emerson or Thoreau might have some better quips.

  80. asking for help January 19, 2014 at 6:37 pm - Reply

    I would like some advice. Lately significant other has been very busy with work (recently changed jobs, a large portion of day is spent on commute, can no longer text during day for the most part) and I’m feeling a loss of intimacy. We’re both highly introverted. We did just spend the weekend together, talking, etc. We did talk about the future together and it’s always “we.” I asked him today (it’s Sunday evening) if he minded I sat with him and he said that he needed some time for him which is what often happens during the week. I can’t blame him since commute is so nasty, but I can’t help feeling a little rejected. I know he loves me still and that as an introvert, he wouldn’t spend time on our relationship if he didn’t feel it was worth it (read from other blogs). He also said that I’ve lasted longer than any other girl (nearly 8 years), so we are fine.
    I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. VERY anxious. He does communicate some via instant message (we have our offices separate).
    So, I’m wondering: am I over reacting? Can you offer some advice?

    • Brenda Knowles January 20, 2014 at 5:27 pm - Reply

      Let the dust settle on his new job change. Does he drive for his commute or is it a train/bus setup? If he drives perhaps he could call you from the car? Although I know drive time can be a great for thinking things over and processing. Books on CD or podcasts are also a good escape during a commute.
      I think you are right. Things are secure with your relationship. His head is just full of new job issues. He may need space from you, particularly if you are feeling very anxious. He may pick up on your anxiety and absorb it, thus draining him a little too. As a mature partner, he’ll want to communicate openly with you no matter what, so I’m not saying go away when you are struggling. Be there for each other but be cognizant of the energy you are putting off. He may also be worried he is stressing you out with his stress. Keep honoring each other. You guys got this.;)

      • asking for help January 20, 2014 at 5:51 pm - Reply

        Thanks for replying! I do feel a little better and you may very well be right: he’s picking up on my anxiety and it’s hard for him. I know people who suffer from anxiety and it’s hard to be around them sometimes. Perhaps I need to work on my own anxiety a bit and that’ll help him. And I do recall that when I started my new job, I neglected him a bit (accidental) and tended to close down a bit to recoup. Maybe he (as you say) is doing the same with his new job. Perhaps it’s time for me to see a professional about the anxiety. It runs in the family and from what I’ve seen will only get worse.
        He sometimes calls me from the car and that’s always nice.
        Thanks for your help! This is truly a wonderful blog and it’s nice to see people posting such things: brings awareness that introverts aren’t stuck up, nerds, etc. We just recharge when by ourselves.
        Thanks again! 🙂

  81. gravyspicelime January 17, 2014 at 11:52 am - Reply

    I just stumbled onto this amazing blog. I use to be an introvert in my 20s and slowly broke out as I got closer to 30.

    With that said, my concerns revolve around a long distance relationship me and my girlfriend have been nurturing for the past 5 months. It was a connection at first sight. We felt each other in a deep level. She’s told me consistently that I’m the one she’s been looking for, the one that finally understands her deepest feelings.

    She’s an introvert.

    But I didn’t put a finger on it until recently. Don’t know why since i was one before.

    I was the one who sent the many poems, the string of emails expressing my feelings to her about the world, about her and me together. But I didn’t understand why she didn’t reciprocate the feelings. She would say, “I can’t express myself like you.” She would say, “i express myself through seeing you.”

    We were far away so it hurt us to think that we had this physical space between us. We did see each other for two fantastic emotional weeks, and a few times before that. Last we seen each other, physically, was two months ago with me planning to go to her in several weeks.

    We talked about our circumstances and decided that we needed to be with each other, so I told her I would bring her to the US and we could live together. She agreed with a wide smile but then said she later decided that she couldn’t leave her family and friends. This was something that came up for her many times over, being unsure, fearing uncertainty. So I decided that i would move there and she was worried about the things i would leave behind because of her.

    the other day I was having a bad day and needed her to send me a smile, text smile, something that i could appreciate knowing it was from her. She didn’t and I got a little upset as she has not responded to many important things that I thought she would comment on but never had. Why doesn’t she respond to my work, samples of art pieces that are dear to me, many times over?

    I called her out on it and told her that I felt like she didn’t care, that I have been responding to everything that she had to offer but she hadn’t. It was a transient moment for me.

    She was taken aback and said she was just focusing on her own things and that we should talk in a day or two. Well, we didn’t talk. She didn’t respond to my text messages. and when she finally got in contact, via email, she said that she’ll contact me when she’s ready and closed the email with a kiss.

    I since sent her flowers and allowed her to take the time that she needs and let her know that I’m there for you, to support her as I want her in my life.

    It’s been five long days.

    Not sure what she really meant by “…when she’s ready” but I know that she loves me and know how much i love her and care for her. I was like a mentor to her, helped her in anyway possible. She’s my rock.

    Does she really mean it’s over? What should be my next step? I know what I know and know that i do want to reach out but know that she needs me not to. Or do she?

    • Brenda Knowles January 18, 2014 at 8:39 am - Reply

      Your relationship was moving very fast and would require a lot of changes on one of your parts. My gut feeling is that she got overwhelmed with your quick decision to be together and with your constant attention. All of the moves required to make your relationship work would be life changing. She has no idea how life would be with you if you were in the same city. It might be too much. I think you are doing the right thing to give her time and space. I know you live far away and haven’t seen her in a while but this is her time to mull things over. Introverts like to process things in quiet. She may have loved being with you (introverts fall deeply in love) but she may also have a need to be true to herself/friends/family. My guess is it all moved too fast for her and she got spooked. She may want to be with you but take it slower. Make sure she is part of the decision-making and planning. It sounds like you are quite expressive. Give her space and time to be expressive too – it may take her longer to formulate her ideas. Good luck! Rooting for both of you.:)

      • gravyspicelime January 22, 2014 at 11:59 am - Reply

        Thank you! She reached out to me the other day with, “I’m thinking of you so much.” A good sign. I’ve given her the space she needs to mull through her thoughts or as she says, “organize her thoughts.” I take her lead when it comes to communication. I only email her once a day unless she gives me hints that she wants more. Thanks!

  82. Horribly confused January 7, 2014 at 12:03 pm - Reply

    Hi Brenda,

    After reading your post and visiting your website, I think I can ask u a question about my relationship. Its a bit long please bear with me. I had a relationship of four year in my college where the boy was very loving and caring. We both loved each other a lot. A lovy-dovy couple least interested in the world but always into each other. I was a very controlling, attention-seeking and demanding person in the relationship. I never grew as a person, made more enemies than friends in those 4 years. But still I was very happy. The only issue was that the guy was good in nature but not in professional terms or that much in intellectual terms. The relation ended due to some reasons.

    I entered a new relationship with a guy who is an introvert in nature. He is otherwise highly motivated in his work and is a stable person. Externally he is very much a person with whom I wanted to be with. But I still remained the same demanding, over possessive and insecure in this relationship too. I cease to trust him and want him around me all the time, given the fact that he dosen’t talk much. There is some ego in me or in him which comes in between when I feel like sharing stuff with him. He has asked for a break for a month so that we both can grow as people and decide if we want to be with each other since we would fight every other day. Now in this break period sometimes I feel that I should end the relationship and sometimes I feel that I should go ahead. I fail to understand that what is the real problem.

    Please guide me..

    Horribly confused.

    • Brenda Knowles January 8, 2014 at 6:37 pm - Reply

      Is this man internally someone you want to be with? You said externally he is very much a person with whom you want to be with but in your heart is he someone you feel connected to? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? During this break, do you miss him or just having someone to do things with?
      It sounds like you know you have an issue with control. For some people it is more natural to want to critique, analyze and tell people what to do. If this relationship is important to you I suggest you work on empathy, harmony and appreciation. When you are stressed do you tend to want to control more?
      To me, a break is a good idea for you two. Give the relationship space and perspective. Perhaps you each have areas to develop as individuals first.
      One thing I am learning myself is that you have to know you’ll be OK whether the relationship works or not. Another thing is every relationship is going to have hurt and disappointment. If it is going to work you have to both sign on to work through those when they arise.
      What is your gut telling you about this relationship? Do you already know what is right for you?
      Thank you for reaching out to me. I know I gave you more questions than answers. It’s difficult for me to advise unless I know more about your partner’s perspective. I’m rooting for the potential of each of you.:)

      • Horribly confused January 12, 2014 at 4:11 am - Reply

        Thanks Brenda for replying.. I am a mixed person as in if I have the mood I will talk endlessly and if I don’t I won’t utter a single word. I want to be in groups but I end up finding more lone time and personal space. I hate when some one intrudes into that place. I tend to have more one on one interactions than a group. I feel uncomfortable in a group because I cease to have attention. This relationship actually pricks my those dark areas where I had never given my attention to. Since my boyfriend is an introvert he dosen’t pay me that much attention. And in turn I feel very hurt. There have been times when after going out with him I have cried a lot. I never shared these feelings to him because I think he would’nt understand. This attention thing happens with my friends too. So, I cease to make good friendships also. I cease to give freedom to my boyfriend and I expect him to do the same. His cool attitude makes me feel unwanted. It feels as if it won’t matter to him if I move out of this relationship.

        In this break I do miss him but I feel like hating him also for putting me in this situation. The only silver lining is that if I accept this person in my life I would grow as a person which I always wanted to and which is the most painful journey to travel. Not only when I am stressed, usually also I tend to control people around me. Also, how the person is behaving with me matters a lot to me and my behavior changes accordingly. I want a stable man like him in my life but to accept such a person I need to be courageous which I think I am not.

        It may be that I might not be at fault in this relationship, probably the issue might be with him that he dosen’t know how to carry on a relationship. I am thoroughly confused. My gut knows this that with a man who will give me all the attention in the world and shower me with love and care, I will never grow as a person but with a man like him I would grow as a person but I lack the courage to travel that road.

        Please help..


        • Brenda Knowles January 12, 2014 at 2:37 pm - Reply

          My gut instinct says you need to work on being responsible for your own well-being. Every relationship helps us grow but I think you know your issues and need to work them out before you can be a solid, loving partner. It sounds like there are some deep insecurities that need to be brought to light. Do you have any passions that you could explore? Is there a way you could help others that would also help you expand? I think if you give to others you will receive beautiful things in return that fill you up.
          For now, space from your man seems like a good idea. It’s not right to cry a lot after time with your partner. Something is missing. You are already exploring self-awareness. Stay on that path. Try new things. Gain self-confidence and mastery in something and watch yourself blossom. You will be filling yourself up instead of relying on others to make you whole. I don’t mean to sound harsh. I have been in your shoes. I am right now. I’m also working on taking charge of my well-being. Best of luck. You’re on the path.:)

  83. searcher January 5, 2014 at 4:38 pm - Reply

    Hi Brenda, thank you for your thoughtful and thought provoking posts. I am an introvert and feel that I’m increasingly becoming so, especially since starting a job that would probably suit an extrovert’s personality more and feel I need more time to recharge. I’ve been speaking to a nice gentlemen for the past 6 months and we’re in the process of getting engaged. When we were in the same place for the first time and before we were introduced to each other or had any idea that we’d become introduced to each other, I spotted him out of the crowd and his image is still very vivid in my memory, his introversion struck me so deeply to the extent that I felt repelled by it, he seemed so reserved, so ‘in his own bubble’, I remember saying to myself ‘if this person is to ever propose to me I would certainly say no’. We met a year later, spoke vaguely, and then I was told indirectly by someone that he was interested. I turned that offer down, I took it up again, then was very close to turning it down again, but after few meetings we started to speak about deep issues and I became hooked. He shares the same values as me and is very hard working, he seems to accept me for who I am and showed willingness to support me in being the person I want to be. We only communicate face to face, that’s once or twice a month. I still question the initial feeling I had, and my gut feeling is blurred, but once it was clear and it was telling me to not proceed. He recently mentioned that he is needing to spend less time to recharge and be alone. Is he becoming less of an extreme introvert? Do you advice me to proceed with the engagement? what areas shall I beware of and what shall I investigate further? thank you

    • Brenda Knowles January 7, 2014 at 8:56 am - Reply

      I usually advise to go with your first instinct but it is possible to not ‘see’ all of an introvert’s depth at first glance. As an introvert, you may already know, we often take a while to show our whole light.:) Perhaps you give your guy energy and that is why he doesn’t need as much time alone? One on one interactions can be energizing, especially if they are meaningful. That said, I suggest proceeding slowly. Spend a little more time together each month. Do you talk of future plans a lot? Do you spend whole days together? How do you feel after each time together? Do you need a break? Do you want to see more of him? Perhaps your need for recharge time is similar. Is he worth the effort of going through some hurt and disappointment, because every relationship has hurt and disappointment. You just have to trust that you will work through it when it arises. Do you feel yourself growing and expanding because of your relationship with him?
      Hope some of these questions will help you with clarity.:)

  84. […] 1. Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  85. iamdumpling December 31, 2013 at 1:57 am - Reply

    I’m so glad I came across this article. I, an introvert also, just ended a relationship with an extremely introverted man. It’s breaking my heart.

    We were together for a year. In the beginning he was the initiator and pursued me. We would see each other at least twice a week, with contact at least every other day.As our relationship deepened and progressed he became more distant, more consumed with his work and contact became more infrequent. Then finally he “went underground” and I didn’t hear from him for ages. He said he need time, and I backed off. I touched base a few times, to see how he was doing, but that was it.

    When he finally emerged, he apologised and acknowledged that it wasn’t fair on me. He then said that he felt guilty because he actually preferred to be alone and that he didn’t like feeling like he was letting me down because he was conscious that there was someone waiting for him outside. We ended the relationship because he said he had nothing to give me right now, but that he’s not sure if a few months down the track he’ll change his mind completely. But he doesn’t want to keep me waiting around for what may not happen.

    I’m really hurt and heartbroken because I care for and love him. It hurts that he said he prefers alone to being with me. I know it’s not personal but it sure feels that way. I understand we all need lone time, but it sounds like he’s after a permanent state of alone. Does that sound normal for deep introverts?? Or was it just a cop-out??

    • Brenda Knowles January 1, 2014 at 1:56 pm - Reply

      I have been in your position exactly. It does hurt even if you understand the need for alone time. Has this man been on his own for a long time? I would advise that this man will always need space but he may be the type that also needs to be advancing a vision of his own. Is he deeply engaged in his work? My best advice is to let him make the next move. If you can still be in contact that’s good. If you have any chance of working as a couple you will have to understand his ‘mission’ and his need to process in solitude. He will have to let you in and not go ‘underground’ without talking it through with you. At least he was open and honest with you. If he fills himself by having enough time to go within then perhaps he will be able to reach out to you again. Just know his limitations and don’t forget you matter – don’t settle for less than feels right to you.
      Thanks for sharing your story. It definitely resonates with me.

      • iamdumpling January 1, 2014 at 9:00 pm - Reply

        Thank your for your reply and understanding. It’s so hard to explain to friends and family, they just think he’s a bad person.

        You are so insightful – He is someone who needs to advance his own vision. He is an artist and designer, and his work is his life. He had been alone for sometime before we met, and he admits his work has always come before everything else. In the beginning, I was independent, driven by my own projects, and had my own light to shine so to speak. I think that’s what attracted him to me. But over recent months I began to lose myself to doubt and fear, abandoned the things I love, and because I was so drawn to his creativity and talent, I took his light for my own. I needed him more than either of us was comfortable with, because I needed validation and it seemed easier to get it from him. But I see now that the more I reached out for him rather than addressing my real issues, the more I pushed him away.

        This breakup has made me realise I need to find myself again too. I do still want him in my life in some way, as friend or lover, but I have asked for a period of no contact to give me time to heal and rebuild. I hope when I am ready to reach out, he will be ready to listen too.

        Thanks again for writing and starting this blog. In a digital world of “he’s just not that into you’s” and things like that, it’s so refreshing to find something that reaches deeper into the human experience.

        • Brenda Knowles January 2, 2014 at 1:33 pm - Reply

          Wow! I feel the wisdom in your words.:) I believe you are on the right track. We have to know that we will be OK even if a relationship falls apart. Rebuilding yourself is the way to create a strong foundation for a relationship. If you have your own ’cause’ you won’t rely on someone else to make you happy. They can simply join you in the contentedness that ensues.;)

          As I said before, I have been through this exact scenario. As soon as I fortified my own being our relationship re-kindled. We have to make a conscious effort to work through the hurt (because there is hurt/rejection/disappointment) but that allows us to grow.:)
          You have to know love comes from within. Let it flow from you into whatever lights you up – projects, people, nature…
          I’m cheering for you!

  86. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  87. Zormh December 23, 2013 at 2:17 am - Reply

    I think this will help me a ton, and I believe I’ve found it just in time. I am currently trying to get into a relationship with with an introverted woman. We met about 2 months ago and really really hit it off. We live about 8ish hours apart currently, so distance is totally a part of this. We started kinda slow, but I became very attracted to her personality very quickly as our only contact is via the web and some games we play together. She is an incredibly smart woman and thus she picked up on this very quickly. She let me know early on that she did not in any way want a relationship with me because of the distance factor. I agreed with her and said that this was what I wanted as well… Turns out my heart had other ideas on that matter, but it worked out in the end as she actually came to me asking to be my “Internet Girlfriend”. I let her know that I in fact did want this as well, but I didn’t want to start anything not worth starting. I explained that the meaning behind this was that I wanted to be able to grow the relationship if it had the potential to be great. She accepted and thus we started dating… kinda. I say kinda as I am a very physical person, I like to touch and feel a girlfriend. From a hug when I get home from work to more intimate things such as sex. This not being part of our relationship because of distance caused me to start to try to contact her as much as I could. Any time I woke up to get ready for work and I saw her online I would leave her a message telling her “good morning”. To me I felt this was a nice way to let her know I was interested in her. After reading this article I find that it has the opposite effect. It did in fact cause her to withdraw from me. It was very slight at first, but I noticed it. I did not change my actions the way I needed tho as I just tried harder to contact her and let her know that I was there for her. Recently she has gone to her parents to visit them for the holidays. She has let me know in the past that this is a very draining thing for her, but I never did really understand why until I read this. While at her parents she asked me on her second day there for a sabbatical, which she explained was time she could play games by herself. I accepted it instantly as I knew I had kinda “invaded” her games that she plays by joining her in them. I figured that she just needed some space, a concept that I don’t understand at all myself as I have never needed space from someone I was interested in(a very big problem for my past relationships). After a few days she contacted me again just to say “Hi”. I believe that she did this to let me know that she was still there, but it had the opposite effect on me and it just made me feel terrible like she was going to leave. It mainly has this effect on me as she asked me “How are you holding up”. She calculates everything she says, so I knew this had more meaning then face value. I asked her what she was really saying, and she just explained what the saying actually means, which if you knew her would be her dodging the question. Rather then calling her out on it I let it slide and let her know I was fine even tho I had been eating myself alive wondering if I should keep trying or give up since it is such a new relationship. Three days later she contacted me back again, just saying “Hi” again… I could not stop myself I let her know I missed her and wanted to spend some time with her. She informed me that she felt the same way and we enjoyed a night of playing games (that I did horribly at because I was so shook up). That was the last I have talked to her, which was one day ago. I honestly expected her to contact me again tonight, because in my mind I had given her the time she needed. In desperation to make sure I did not screw anything up more then I already had, I searched the internet for answers on introverted people as she had told me she is one. I know I need to give her space, and I know she still wants to spend time with me… But I am at a loss as to how to work this. I want to talk to her about this as I know she has only been truthful with me, and I with her. I want to keep it that way, and to show her that I want to keep it that way. I want to tell her all of the things that have been going through my head. I to find out what her thoughts on this situation we are in are. I do not want to chase her farther away, which is exactly what I think will happen. I think of myself as a very strong man both in mind and heart, I have taken a fair beating both mentally and emotionally in my life and it has done nothing but make me stronger… I do have an “Achilles heal” that totally saps all strength from me, and that is not knowing what to do. I find myself very good at reading people. But when I am not able to use all of my senses, sight being the main one, I start to question my intuition. That doubt in myself causes me to crumple into a tiny pile on the floor unable to deal with even normal life at times. Long story short I am looking for even the smallest light at the end of the tunnel. Do I continue on my chosen path? Do I tell her how I feel, or maybe tell her some of my feelings at first. Should I contact her at all, or should I leave that to only her. The other part is I know she loves it when I am confident, but my confidence is shattered with this situation. Thank you very much if you take the time to read and/or reply to this long winded rant about my current situation. I appreciate any help or tips you may have.

    • nolabels December 23, 2013 at 9:21 am - Reply

      You need to get a on a different level of your relationship than the game aspect. I do feel like you and the comment I got recently gave me insight. You need to have a personal connection and that is person to person and have that one on one. Though my girlfriend is across the country we do still get together. We click when we are one on one. You need to bridge your gap and see her and not game her. I do not know if you are seeing each other or just having an on line. Like the person told me. You need to help them grow and make them feel like you contribute to to them. When you can do that you can grow too. I am slowly experiencing it but continue to have my bouts of insecurity due to previous cheating girls in my life. It is a lousy feeling to feel like you are. Use the enrichment process and it will truly help you. If you are not face timing or keeping a real connection by being together then I would look closer to your area for the person that will help you grow.

      • Zormh December 23, 2013 at 11:21 am - Reply

        I appreciate the comment greatly, but that is kinda on the line of what I was asking. I can’t just say “hey lets get together some time” if she is feeling she needs to get away right now. Also she already knows she is introverted, so she plans her life accordingly. She actively separates “life” and “free time”. It is past just playing games and maybe I did not touch on that enough. If it was just gaming then I would not have even taken the time to look up anything on dating an introvert. As of late it has been only games that we communicate on, but for at least a month and half we did nothing but talk for hours and hours. So in conclusion, thank you very much but I apparently did not explain my situation enough. I will in fact keep that idea in my head, and thank you for helping me to continue to think about it differently.

    • Brenda Knowles December 24, 2013 at 9:02 am - Reply

      First of all, you are showing great sensitivity and care in the way you are handling this. You obviously are considering your partner’s feelings very deeply. Bravo!
      Is your partner still at her parent’s house? If so, I would continue to give her space. She is interested in keeping in touch with you as she demonstrated by contacting you with the sporadic “Hi”. This is a good sign. She also was willing to connect with you one night and play games. It’s a very good thing to let an introvert miss you. We need that space in order to desire your company again. We also need the space in order to revive ourselves or come back to ourselves. She may be immersed in family gatherings which may be familiar and comforting but also draining (constant forced togetherness gets old). If she gets any time alone away from family she may need that to recharge (i.e. not call/text/play games with you).
      My best advice is to do whatever it takes to give her energy. If she needs solitude, give her solitude. If she needs to ride your extroverted energy wave, let her ride. I would also encourage meaningful conversation as opposed to chit chat. Meaty discourse fills us up. In your case, I also suggest meeting in person at least occasionally, while that may be more stimulating for her, I think it would greatly relieve (or at least provide information for) you of all the unknowns you are contemplating. Using all of your senses is very helpful when communicating openly and intimately. As much as I can relate to my fellow introverts, I also want to make sure that all types are honored. That’s what makes relationship work. Valuing and honoring differences. Your needs/desires count too. That said, introverts do think through what they say before they say it so take what she tells you to heart. She did say she didn’t want to start a relationship because of the distance between you. I would inquire about this again at this point. I would wait until she is in a calm state to ask and I would ask in the most non-pressuring way ever.;) It’s more than OK for you to be honest about your feelings. It will feel like too much attention if you pepper her with constant inquiries. Keep it honest but not overwhelming. We introverts like our freedom – the ability to go within ourselves if necessary. We also like meaningful connection. Be yourself but know she will always need space. Can you accept that?
      Best of luck. Keep us posted.:)

      • Zormh December 24, 2013 at 9:25 pm - Reply

        Thank you very much, both for the comment and for the things you have writen. Reading this has helped me feel like I am doing right. I read this before I went to work and I had a bunch to say, but I work retail and thats tends to be mind numbing, so I have forgotten. I will post if I remember

      • Zormh December 30, 2013 at 12:17 am - Reply

        Well so far so good. Over the past week I talked to her all of once. I did let her know I wanted to talk to her more, but she didn’t notice it, so i felt ignored. It was quite hard for me to wait but it has paid off so far. I don’t think I am out of the woods yet, as I know she is going to be like another week or more playing her single player stuff (she got more for Christmas). She did at least say hi to me today, and I let her know I was feeling very left out. I honestly could no longer tell via just text if she was just running away, or still taking time and I told her. She let me know everything was ok and that I need not worry. I didn’t do more then say my peace though as I didn’t want her to actually run away. Once she explained herself I thanked her for it and we played a game together. It was subtle but she let me know when she was done talking about it. I still think it is worth it, but I don’t know yet how it will work. I made her laugh alot while we played games tonight so as of now I feel quite good. I think I stumbled onto a small victory, and by that I mean that she keeps her life and her games separate. From what I can see there is starting to be a separation from me and some of the games she plays. To me this can only mean that she is not including me in as part of her life, which I think is good. I just don’t want to lose the ability to play games with her. This is just speculation at this point, and even so I have no problem not joining her on some of the games that she plays by herself. I kinda invaded one of them a little bit long before I even found this site, but I’ve since taken myself out of it and I only play it when she asks me to. That or when she is offline. Anyways that’s it for now, never know what the future brings!

        P.S. I wrote a poem, not per say for her, but about her and I’m not sure if I should share it with her. It is kinda about me and her, and I’m thinking that now is not a good time to share it even if I do… but still it could be nice. I’m to shy to post it without any encouragement, but I can.

        • Stefan December 30, 2013 at 6:32 am - Reply

          I’m an introvert myself, with need for space and have an extremely introvert girlfriend, which I had a difficult time understanding at first. It did take some time even for me to realize that there is nothing else going on but the need for solitude to find her inner balance again. Sending her a poem, even though you mean well, will likely end up in setting her back and she will need even more time to regain strength. These little well meant gestures put pressure on her and it is well possible that she feels obliged to come back with something as thoughtful and nice and it will not help her “reset”.

          It is important to understand that these periods of solitude have nothing to do with you, but are only meant for herself to gain strength be able to be with the person she loves. In the end, giving her space and quiet time will benefit you, trust me 😉

          Hope this helps, be patient and you will see that even though she seems far away, likely she is much closer than you think…

          • Brenda Knowles December 30, 2013 at 6:26 pm

            Good insight regarding the poem.:)

        • Brenda Knowles December 30, 2013 at 6:25 pm - Reply

          I read somewhere that dating an introvert (if you’re an extrovert) is like dancing. The extrovert steps in, the introvert moves back. The extrovert moves back the introvert comes forward. It is like that. I remember my former husband wanting to run on the treadmill beside me at the health club. I wanted him to be on the other side of the gym so that I could have space to zone out with my headphones on as I ran. I imagine your gaming scenario is like that. I do feel kind of bad that you can’t play the games you love when you want.

          I would feel things out for another week or so and then decide if you should share the poem with her. I think it’s a beautiful gift but it all depends on how she feels about you. It will be a good litmus test. If she is receptive to it I would take that as a very positive sign. Awesome that you wrote it! Lovely way to express yourself. Kudos! I hope you get to present it to her. You can share it with the space2live crowd if you want but you might think about keeping it special between you and her.:)

      • Zormh December 31, 2013 at 4:13 am - Reply

        For some reason I cannot reply to anything lower then this post, so i am using this one. Thank you very much for that, you are right I should keep it special. I do think she would enjoy reading it at some point, but you are both correct now would not be the time. I had not planned on giving it to her any time soon. Good news is she made sure to show me that she cares about me today by talking to me. It was a very small, but it was sooo much better then just “Hi” and then nothing else. She actually didn’t even say hi, just made a bit of small talk.

        Thank you to everyone that has responded to me, I really appreciate it very much.

      • Zormh December 31, 2013 at 4:15 am - Reply

        well that last post went to the bottom anyways, so cool.

  88. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  89. Jen December 4, 2013 at 3:31 pm - Reply

    I always thought I was an introvert until I started spending time with a very introverted man. He enjoys small gatherings where he will make small talk with people over drinks, so I thought he was an extrovert at first, but he actually needs a lot of time to himself. I didn’t realize how serious this need was for him until recently when it all came crashing down. We were supposed to go to a party and he cancelled at the last minute saying he’d had an exhausting week and didn’t have the energy to go out. He’d never stood me up before, and I was shocked. I’d also had a rough week and didn’t feel like going out alone, thought it might be nice just to stay in and chat instead, so I suggested we hang out alone rather saying I’d been looking forward to his company (big mistake), and got snapped at that he wanted the time for himself and asked me not to expect anything more from him because he couldn’t give it. When I queried what he meant he said he didn’t think we were a good match for a close friendship although we could hang out sometimes, and that he likes to be alone. My head is still spinning because I thought things were going well, and that we were gradually becoming friends. This happened just the other night and I haven’t spoken to him since as I don’t know what to say, and if he really wants to be alone and not be around me then I should probably just move on. Only I’m not sure if he really meant he doesn’t want to be friends anymore or if he was just having a really bad day and freaked out because I seemed needy. I’d been hanging out with him a while and it felt like we were just starting to get closer and talk about more personal things when this happened. My friends say I should go and talk to him, but i think it might be better just to leave him alone and see if he approaches me, what do you think? Did I ruin our friendship forever by being too needy, or is there something I could do that would show him i’m not a threat to his peace and quiet? How can i give him energy and not drain it from him? I’d still like to be friends, but not if he doesn’t want to be.

    • Brenda Knowles December 5, 2013 at 6:30 pm - Reply

      I don’t think you did anything overly needy. It sounds like he had a rough exhausting week. It may have been difficult for him to ask for the night to himself and then when you asked to see him it just might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sorry. I would let him come to you at this point. He may truly need A LOT of time to himself and a close friendship may feel too intrusive. Introverts love meaningful conversations and large blocks of unstructured time. Interruptions are one of our least favorite things. If you have a deep interest in remaining friends I would follow his lead. Let him decide if and when he’d like to re-kindle a connection. I know it’s confusing and even a little hurtful but please don’t take his reaction personally. Best of luck. Thank you for reaching out and telling your story. Sorry I was delayed in my response.

      • Jen December 13, 2013 at 8:04 pm - Reply

        Thanks. I needed space from him after this so I avoided him for a bit. He has approached me a few times now, making small talk, so presumably he either just feels bad about what happened or he wants to re-establish a connection. I have kept things brief with him because it was more than a little hurtful and I don’t want to get into the same situation again. I still care about him but I have to think of my own sanity too. If he does want a friendship It is better if he takes the lead, as you suggest, so I’ll just wait and see where he takes things from here.

    • Ashley December 14, 2013 at 6:58 am - Reply

      That sounds just like my relationship! We have/had been talking/dating for 5 months. We met one evening when he approached me. He was living out of state at the time and we hit it off and have amazing chemistry! The first two months he was out of state, single and living by himself and self employed. Then he moved an hour away, new job, and living with friends that have kids and we were seeing each other every weekend. Everything was great! We talked of the future and even spent the holiday meeting his entire family. Then a week later out of the blue he states he needs a break because he hasn’t had a weekend to himself. Still wants to be friends and hang out once in awhile. Blown away because I really started having strong feelings for him I sucked it up and told him I understood. I really do think that was a lot of change for him in a two month period. He left beautiful weather for cold and all of his friends. He has sent a couple texts in the last week. I’m still confused but my gut told me he was just over whelmed. Then I found this article and thinking maybe that’s what the problem is. So as much as it hurts I’ll give him his space. I know I’m an extrovert but at times like to be a introvert. Just hope I’m doing the correct thing. I really care for him but don’t want to set myself up for more hurt.

    • nolabels December 19, 2013 at 3:31 pm - Reply

      I have been in a relationship with an introvert. My problem is that I am the extrovert. We have had an up and down ride because of her being tossed between me and her children. She wants to give all of herself to the kids but also cannot figure us out in her head. We had a break of approx. 2 months though I kept keeping lightly in touch and then boom one night she called, we cried and all got back to normal. She definitely pulls back when i push for wanting to be close. We also have a coast to coast long distance relationship. We talk daily but since our last tryst, we have not talked for 2 weeks and I have lashed out (which I now regret). Your site has interesting insight. I need help in trying to deal with my no labels girlfriend. She likes this title because it does not make her feel committed (I guess). Any insight on this would be very helpful. Thanks.

      • Brenda Knowles December 20, 2013 at 8:22 am - Reply

        I promise to respond to you within the next 24 hours. Life is crazy busy this week but I always respond to my readers and your comments are thoughtful and deserve attention. Until then have an incredible day!

      • Brenda Knowles December 21, 2013 at 7:42 am - Reply

        My first reaction to your relationship story is that your girlfriend is feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps she is a ‘big picture’ person who loves her children and relationships but is bogged down with details and the need to be present for everyone. She puts mothering first because that is what we mothers do. It is what society compels us to do. There may not be much left, energy-wise, after she cares for her sons. The logistics involved in your relationship make it that much harder to get to the good stuff – the part where you love and help each other. If her load was lightened and she could relax and truly JUST BE, who would she be? My suggestion to you would be to help her develop her. Help her feel valued, joyful, smart, loved. The more you need her and ask for her time the more she is going to retreat. She has to save some of herself so she doesn’t feel engulfed. That said, what you need and value is important too. If you are not getting any satisfaction from the relationship then it’s not much of a relationship. It is possible for introverts and extroverts to pair happily. It takes respect, awareness and sometimes a sense of humor. My first steps for you would be to truly listen to her words and make her life simpler so that she can give to you. Sometimes space is good. It gives her time to find clarity – to return to herself. Afterwards, she will have a better sense of herself and if or how you fit into her life. Hope that gives you a little insight.

        • nolabels December 21, 2013 at 8:21 am - Reply

          Your post was excellent. Also leaving me more questions. You say make her life simpler by listening. I try to get information out of her but she can be vague. She does not say much because I do not think she knows what she wants. She if afraid to commit. When we got back together a year ago after a short lapse, she said she did not want the pressure and wanted our relationship to be a “no labels relationship”. I to this day have a problem with that because it seems so sleazy and so empty.

          She has been in relationships in the past but they have been somewhat hidden from her kids and everyone because she did not want anyone involved with her children because of the societal norm. She likes our long distance I think because it does not put pressure on her there. The last few weeks, I have stepped back and not called and dropped the texting and I think now she is reaching out more. What other things can I do to make her life easy mentally? She does not work and has no real duties except the kids and maintaing the household. Also what other key things can I do on my side to help her find her value in this relationship? I think she wants our relationship because we have had some blowups all because of me wanting her to be closer of course and we always come back together (because of me wanting and asking her back). She can be very stubborn and has had issues as a young girl with her father lashing out at her which I think really has stayed in her mind. She adores my children and is really close to them. I think that is the bigger glue to our relationship. I have had some issues with my ex where she has helped me and they were stressful. She says many good things about me and I think she is faithful. She says she is not looking but I can be a little insecure because of people saying that to me in the past then they actually were lying. This blog is new to me so i am sure I am not getting all of my stuff out there but look forward to your answers or feedback and clarifying myself more. Thank you. So far your info has been helpful and on point.

          • Brenda Knowles December 23, 2013 at 10:46 am

            You may be right about her not knowing what she wants. She may not know what she wants in several arenas of her life. Is she fulfilled being a stay at home mother? You say she has no ‘real’ duties except the kids, which I have to tell you was like nails on a chalkboard to read. There are so many obligatory and emotional duties connected to child rearing that it can be overwhelming. I sincerely suggest you help her feel valued for not only her maternal work but also the being she is beyond motherhood. What about her attracted you? I’m sure there was a physical attraction but go past that. What light does she shine? I know personally the partners I most enjoyed and wanted around were the ones who gave me energy. Introverts are always looking to gain energy. Being shown your gifts is energizing. Getting to use your gifts is energizing. I am sure her days are filled with household details and kid schedules. This is necessary but probably not what lights her up. If she feels that you are just one more pull on her apron strings she will flee. It’s too much to take on another dependent. Be her lover. Be her champion. Be her friend, support and biggest fan. Be mindful of how much she can juggle. If she is freed of some of her mentally mundane work she will have more to give to you and your relationship.
            Do you enjoy her children? Are you willing to be a part of their lives? Do they like you? These will be big questions she is pondering. She probably needs help with some of the child rearing duties/decisions but does not want to burden you or is not sure how much to let you in because she isn’t certain how long term your relationship is. But do be careful that she is not solely looking for help. That is not a loving relationship that is just convenient and a relief.
            I would’t worry about her seeing others. I doubt she has time or mental space to fit in another relationship. I think you two communicate well enough that she would tell you if there was someone else.
            This is all from my intuition, personal experience and reader feedback. Hope you find useful insight in it.

          • nolabels December 23, 2013 at 11:12 am

            Thank you for the prompt reply. What she likes about me is that my children adore me, I am a good father and she sees that as do others, she likes that I do brighten her day with my cheerful personality. I am known as a very enlightening person to many. Yes she has been very guarded in the past about anyone having a connection. As to a point in her divorce papers that no man co habitates when the children are present(her request). Using your last advice, has given me big steps ahead and I see a big improvement. She has incorporated me in to her children’s life but she also feels very uncomfortable because of what people in her area may think of me in the picture. I am willing to be a part of their lives and do enjoy her children. I am also willing to take them on as a family as are my children being a part of the group or family unit. How can I create that need that she wants with her fear of me being in her world and her space? She is a very independent person and I think she values my child rearing advice but still has an ex to deal with (in her opinion is worthless). She is very involved with my children and advises me often on direction and loves my children. Also I understood that comment about the at home mom came across… I knew it after I sent it. LOL. How do i free her of the mundane stuff you speak of? How do I get her to accept me in her world and let her free herself of her circle of influence that has impacted her thinking and is her culture and let her accept us? I do give her the energy she wants and sometimes too much!! She says that I am like her dad. I cannot sit still she says. I can and if I were with her, I would not be flying all around and spending my time with the family. So she does get energy from me, she says I am her best friend as I am her. My biggest hurdle is the distance and just getting her to try and let me closer in her life with kids and her inner circle. Thanks for the comments. I am really getting good insight from you.

          • Brenda Knowles December 24, 2013 at 9:21 am

            It sounds like her culture and environment influence her greatly regarding intimacy with you. Is it viewed as deeply improper for you to be in the home with her and her children? If so, this explains a lot about why she prefers to visit you. Is it a possibility that she could someday leave her community? I know how difficult it is to move children from their schools/friends but wondering if that is an option. Also, if you two were engaged would that make it acceptable? I know that is putting the cart before the horse but just thinking of all scenarios.

            Again, I believe if she feels confident and self-fulfilled I believe she won’t be as reluctant to let you into her space. She may have a fear of engulfment. Did you say her father was a strong presence in her childhood? Was her former husband dominant? Let her blossom. Help her blossom. What are her strengths? Suggest she try something outside of her comfort zone – art if she is more logical, getting on the board of an organization if she is more creative. Developing skills that previously challenged her can be very liberating and fulfilling. I ventured into guitar lessons after more than a decade of child-rearing and mainstream suburban living. They changed my life, even though I had no talent for it, I met the most incredible people who showed me different ways of thinking.
            I think her culture/environment and the worry about appearing proper is a key element to work on, then help her to not feel threatened by your presence. If she feels strong and energized she will have more to give your relationship. As an introvert, she will always need space to recharge. Kids take up a lot of our energy, especially because society makes sure we know kids must come first. It sounds like she is especially sensitive to what others think so I am sure she feels absolutely commanded to give her all to her children. This is important – of course – but also can inhibit her development and the development of your relationship. Baby steps for her to gain self-awareness and self-confidence, that’s what I recommend.
            Again, I want to say how caring and sensitive you are being regarding your relationship. That goes a long way. Kudos to you. Keep up the brilliant communication between you two.

          • nolabels December 26, 2013 at 10:20 am

            Christmas has come and gone. I sent her gifts for her and the kids. I have been really thinking about your comments. I have been speaking with my girlfriend (who now is really starting to feel just like a friend) and she finished her family events, etc. I am beginning to wonder if I keep this going???? After reading all of the introverts ability to be alone, I question my efforts with my current girlfriend. Now I am wondering how and when we will be together and how to plan for it in the near future. How should I ask her when we can get together without her getting so pressured and stressed over it? Do I wait for her to establish the next visit? I feel it will put pressure on her. New Years is coming and I would like to go see her. I have not seen her since Thanksgiving. I know she cannot come see me. I know she has friends coming over New Years day but feel maybe I am not worthy of being in her circle. I have other people that would like to spend time with me but I want to be with her…. I am wondering if the other female company might be worth my effort but do not want to cheat. I am getting overwhelmed with not knowing her thoughts of the two of us being a couple… She did not even say I love you on christmas or xmas eve….. I am not sure if she is trying to not fall deeper for us or unsure. I do know she just wants to work on her and her kids. If so, why does she just not end the relationship? It feels so empty at this point and I cannot stand the vague no labels relationship. I also know I could go off and spend time with someone else and she may not even care if I do not call or connect but then I will need to explain myself for not being in contact, I guess???? I am really starting to get confused and wondering if I should just start dating again and find someone that really appreciates me and values what I have to offer??? I would feel so much better just knowing when we will be together again. Not knowing is like being in hell. I also read in your note, at what point do you do what makes you happy in the relationship. I feel something is better then nothing with her. Your assistance would be appreciated. Thanks.

          • Brenda Knowles December 28, 2013 at 10:50 am

            Hello. My instincts say your girlfriend may need a lot of time before she is ready to commit to a longterm/consistently together physically relationship with you. You say she wants to work on herself and her kids. I know personally those are large undertakings and could use all the energy she has. That said, I do think it’s possible to love someone and have them be a part of your personal and familial growth. She may be hesitant to combine families because she may feel she will lose some of her new freedom and independence, although you say she loves your children. There is still a lot of responsibility that comes with blending families. I know that scares some introverts. They see their independence and alone time dwindling. I’m guessing your girlfriend does not get a lot of alone time as it is.
            As I re-read your words I get the feeling that you want more from your girlfriend than she can give. I know you have strong, deep feelings for her but how much more of this wondering and dissatisfaction can you take?
            It’s my opinion that a healthy relationship would allow you to ask when you will see each other again. The fact that you feel afraid to ask her is worrisome. I have been in your position. I know how it feels to want to be with someone but not want to push them away by asking for their time. In the end in my situation we got honest. He wanted more time to himself than I felt was good for the kind of relationship I wanted. Part of our issue was timing (he just started a new business, my kids were younger and needed me more). We are still close friends because we genuinely like (love?) each other but we have different versions of ideal togetherness.:) If you think you can reach a common ground with your relationship expectations, then get honest, be vulnerable and give the relationship a shot. If you don’t see meeting each other half way ever, then move on. You are important too. There may be a better match for you.

          • nolabels December 23, 2013 at 11:22 am

            How can I help her fill those unknown arenas in her life? She does not know what she wants or how to proceed. I try to come up with ideas. I do know she might feel better about us once I move there but also it may create more distance as she may not be too available. I do know once I were there, I may be too busy relocating myself. Need some help on this one..

        • nolabels December 21, 2013 at 8:31 am - Reply

          One other thing. Because of the distance, I am always wondering when we will see each other. This becomes a source of frustration for me. I feel like i cannot ask her when we will be together because it gets her stressed. I am free to come whenever I want but because the kids are there, she cannot at a whim just say come out. We have been seeing each other approx. every month sometimes other month. How do I deal with this and make her feel comfortable? I want her to want to come more but she just does not push it. She does not like it when I come there because she gets stressed and uncomfortable with me around her kids. She does not know what it is. She also feels better coming to me who when she is with me, it is just us. Her kids really overwhelm her at times with their schedules, school, etc At some point if we are going to be closer, I need to be more a part of her boys lives. We have had a couple of trips with the kids and I and both of our children. How do I bridge this gap to want her to see me more? I have been thinking of relocating and that way we would be near each other but wondering if I may still have the same problem where she still does not want to be with each other as much.

  90. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live) […]

  91. Girl28 November 7, 2013 at 3:38 pm - Reply

    The blog help me personally grow and understand my self, mostly understand my ex after a year of dating and over a month of breaking up we are still communicating he is amazed of how much i learned about him, he constantly makes remarks about us and how beautiful I am! He sends me funny jokes via emails, nothing direct saying he still cares for me although in the past he said he cared for me more than I did for him and sadly I showed no care because of his personality I thought he had other people while he had alone time. I want to continue being there for him but as time goes I’m getting confused of what he wants, I’m not sure how to approach him without making him feel smothered ? Also is it possible to be 50% intro 50% extrovert?

    • Brenda Knowles November 10, 2013 at 10:37 pm - Reply

      I am so glad you have learned about yourself and your former partner. It’s mature and kind to seek understanding about your ex’s temperament. Approach him slowly. Less is often more. Constant attention could be seen as interruptions or smothering. It may make him think you will never give him breathing space. Talk honestly with him. Figure out if you can bear to be away from him in order to give him space.

      An ambivert is someone who falls smack dab in the middle of the introvert and extrovert spectrum.

      Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I somehow skipped over your comment.

  92. nour November 7, 2013 at 3:21 pm - Reply

    I dated an Introvert for 5 months, broke up 3 weeks ago due to my constant request for time and nagging about his alone time! We never had honey moon time but the time we spent toguether were so intense in all areas, although at the end he thought we are not compatible. We are still comunicating He claims to have strong feelings for me (one of the reasons why we should end now) he flirts when we talk but no effort to see me on his spare time in case he wants to work things out again? Since e-mail is our best source to communicate, i sent him a message expressing my confusion with him being flirty, I received a short answer stating he is at work but nothing to be confused about?! He is not the type to promptly respond most of the time he has to analyze and reflect. Very sensitive and dislikes text messages or small talks, gets stressed out very quickly which causes him to shut down, at the same time thoughful and caring. After break up I been supportive understanding his needs and feeling mostly personal, family and financial struggles without demanding anthing, just giving. However I would like to know where Im standing, but how I do that without pushing him away?

    • Brenda Knowles November 10, 2013 at 10:31 pm - Reply

      Hmmmm, yes you have a classic introvert on your hands. I think email is your best way to reach him but I suggest giving him some time without you. I know that is not easy but let him come to you. If he is truly interested he will find you and may be more willing to talk about both of your needs. Your needs should be respected too. Consider what you are willing to contribute or go without in a relationship. At least you know he space. That won’t change. Would you be happy in a relationship where your partner needs more time alone than you do?

      Best of luck. I know we introverts are confusing sometimes. Understand that too much interaction drains him. Don’t take it personally.

  93. anxiousblue November 2, 2013 at 11:18 pm - Reply

    Coming across this forum has been a blessing with regards to having an insight to an introvert’s world.
    I am an extrovert in a 17 month relationship with an introvert, who is wonderful and has some qualities I would want in a man. He is definitely husband material; however, he has some qualities too that I am not such a huge fan of. When we were dating, he did everything I liked, he took me out lots, we went out to parties (though he never did mingle a lot and was comfortable watching from a distance), met some of my friends. He did a lot of chasing and was would do just about anything to impress me and win my heart. Now he has it…
    I find that he is not very comfortable with sharing his feelings and certainly with the 3 words. (Which he finally said recently when we had a huge fight and things were a bit shaky).
    I noticed some months back, he started to snap for no reason and he became quite abrupt too and would want to have his way all the time. I am of the mentality that being in a relationship means we do things together, share our stories, go places together and life would be bliss etc. We’ve had many many many arguments about all sorts of things: chores, finances, his aloofness and snappiness and his interesting way of doing and analysing things. He has said he just wants to be left alone and not sure he can deal with my constant requests for spending our spare moments together. He fared pretty well at the beginning which made me think we could have a good thing here. We are both scientists and he absolutely loves his field of science (I do too just not that obsessed) and says he wants to focus on that, his hobbies and his other things alone without any disturbance. When I asked him if other aspects of his life took priority, he said no, there was no particular order. He wants our relationship and wants things on a deeper level but doesn’t want the “superficial things” I do such as the going out occasionally, picnics with friends etc. He started to move our relationship forward a while back but things seem to be stagnating now. Of late (last 2wks), he has withdrawn and we don’t talk as much and when asked about it last night he said perhaps he’s to blame in a way as he hadn’t put in as much effort in the relationship due to work pressures. I love him very much and wouldn’t want us to break up. I am in a difficult position as I do not know how to relate to him and treat him the way he would like. I have never been in a relationship with an introvert and i’m really struggling. I am willing to adapt and let him have his space and time to recharge. However, I feel like I need his affection and attention most times when we are together, I find his presence comforting, which may come across as “not confident” or an attention seeker which he has mentioned before. He also mentioned that he’s not sure if we would be compatible in the long run as he’s not the going out, share-every-moment together type, doesn’t like to clean -would prefer me to do it, (he doesn’t mind cooking though) . Even if we do decide to have a family, he would want me to be responsible for this part and he would be there for his family financially and emotionally. This new revelation has led me to seek ways of dealing with our issues and him as an introvert. This is totally new territory for me and my past relationships have been different from what my current boyfriend’s needs are especially of space and not wanting to engage much with people.
    Any help would be IMMENSELY appreciated.

    • Brenda Knowles November 3, 2013 at 7:52 pm - Reply

      I think many introverts try to please their potential mates by matching their outgoing lifestyle (especially at first during the honeymoon phase). We feel we should be more outgoing so we push ourselves. No matter what though we have to decompress in quiet or downtime eventually. This will not change so be warned if you are considering marriage with this man. At least he is being honest up front. He knows himself.

      There should definitely be give and take in a relationship. He should honor your temperament as well. The real question is can you both keep that up forever. Are you compatible enough to communicate openly and respectfully about what you need forever? Will resentment build up. What does your inner voice or gut tell you? Please follow that. My gut tells me he is being honest with you about his socializing limitations and they sound fairly different than what you desire. Is the communication getting better between you two or more strained? Don’t settle.

      Keep us posted. Thank you for sharing your real life story. I hope others chime in with words of wisdom for you.

      • anxiousblue November 4, 2013 at 3:48 pm - Reply

        Thank you for your response Brenda.
        I accept that was the honeymoon phase and this is the real and true him. I do like some of his quirky habits and some of his ways of doing things. Since being with him, my mind has opened to a lot of things and think we can learn a lot from him each other. He says he loves me and i do love him too. Yes, if i’m honest i do think of the future and wonder what it would be like; though we may not be from the same worlds,perhaps it is possible to still make things work with love, respect and the necessary effort. To be forewarned is to be forearmed they say. He has mentioned these things therefore I know now to honour his requests and vice versa. Is it possible to have a happy marriage still? I could possibly take up some extra hobbies to fill the times when he would prefer to be alone etc. I’m beginning to think the less time we spend together, the better our relationship might be as absence would make our hearts grow fonder.
        Am i in denial and should I wake up and smell the coffee? Or can this actually be a happy ending and can something brilliant come out of this? (i would prefer the latter obviously)


        • Brenda Knowles November 5, 2013 at 1:27 pm - Reply

          It all depends on how much both of you are willing to work at understanding and respecting each other. It sounds like you are willing but is he? Observe his actions more than his words in order to tell if he has the desire to go all the way. Absence may make the heart grow fonder but how does that absence affect you? Are you truly OK with the separation? May you learn and evolve within this relationship. Hugs.*

      • Bella December 16, 2013 at 6:48 am - Reply

        I am not sure if you are still reading this, but he is not that difficult, lol. I want to say that I am not judging you, just trying to help. I am an introvert as well and I understand your husband. Ask him to teach you how to listen (to him), by listening I mean not hearing, but listening. Teach him how to be more clear and frank (in a nice way). You say your husband snaps, but it is not out of nowhere. Before an introvert snaps, they have quite often patiently told the typical extravert that what they are doing is bordering them. The classic extravert does not listen and continues. Do not offer your help, but ask if he needs help, do not assume things, but ask openly. Extraverts tend to think that they know whatever is on the mind of the other person, but that is super human stuff, isn’t it? So if one doesn’t know, just ask and be content with the answer you get, do not project! Introverts do always speak their minds, it’s just extraverts don’t want to hear it,they want to be confirmed in their assumptions. Introverts are actually easy, lol. Do go out with your friends, they will never take that away from you or be jealous or insecure. Rather they will be happy that you had a great time. Find some middle ground and ask him to meet you halfway, you meet him halfway. Hope it helped.

  94. RockCItyGhost October 29, 2013 at 10:05 am - Reply

    Talk about a mind opener… I just hope I haven’t found this too late.

    I have been married to my amazing wife for four years now. She takes my breath away, both when I see her and when I have to leave her. It hasn’t been easy at all, challenge after challenge, stress after stress, to the edge and back again and back to the edge. We once again find ourselves at a crossroads, and reading your story has really helped me understand part of our struggles.

    She has understood herself to be an introvert for years, and I’ve always thought I knew what that meant, until today. I can hear in your words, the fears and pressures she must feel from me. The love and affection that I hope will bring her closer actually pushes her away. I must be an extrovert, who cannot get enough of her energy. I have always thought she just had issues with long term commitments, but it is me who has the issue of not understanding her needs.

    Thank you for writing and sharing your story! I plan on reading more, and trying to change my ways. I love her too much to not try and make it easier for her to stay.

    • Brenda Knowles October 29, 2013 at 1:19 pm - Reply

      Awesomeness! Love and affection are always good but knowing there is space between all that energy could make all the difference for her (and your relationship). We like to retreat and then re-kindle. I have been on the receiving end of an introvert’s need for space (I missed him terribly) and an extrovert’s need for my constant attention (I couldn’t keep up). It’s not easy to figure out the rhythms. Very, very open communication, trust and vulnerability are key. Best of luck. I can tell you are an awake and caring partner. Perfect.:)

      • RockCityGhost October 29, 2013 at 1:43 pm - Reply

        I am waking up. It isn’t easy to figure out, especially since we’ve both been married before, and my ex cheated on me repeatedly. I’ve fought those demons and sometimes giving “space” is scary, but I felt the reason behind it in your words, and almost instantly realized what it means to be holding on too tight.

      • Alvaro November 21, 2013 at 3:54 pm - Reply

        Brenda, thank you for your blog. I’ve understood myself for years as an introvert who really enjoys his own company. So much that I’ve been single for 4 years. Yesterday, a co-worker asked memif i could take her daughter out for a date (she’s 25. I’m 27). Well, most guys would be jumping at this prospect. But I felt like it was a big invasion of my space and time. And now, I’m supposed to contact her (admittedly attractive) daughter. I always wonder if I should be up front about who I am in this type of situation. Or…just say “screw it”, because 90% of my body can’t be bothered unless I know she’ll compliment my life somehow. Anyways, thanks for the blog!

        • Brenda Knowles November 22, 2013 at 11:01 am - Reply

          If you feel like taking the co-worker’s daughter out is an invasion of your space then go with your gut and decline, perhaps letting the co-worker know it’s not that her daughter isn’t appealing it’s just you’re uncomfortable with this kind of setup and were looking forward to downtime over the weekend. If a small part of you is curious about the date then go out and see what happens. Don’t put any expectations on the date. See if she is an easy conversation or an effortful evening. If she is an open person with good listening skills then maybe you could share the more introspective facets of your temperament. Your co-worker may know you well enough to understand you like alone time. Her daughter may have similar desires/needs.

          I don’t want you to miss out on meaningful companionship but I also know how important it is to honor your temperament. Follow your energy. If you think about it, let me know what you decide and how it turns out.:)

  95. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  96. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) […]

  97. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much). […]

  98. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live) […]

  99. ExtroEngagedtoIntro September 12, 2013 at 5:05 am - Reply

    Hello there, it’s me again, this time with an update. ^_^ I believe I posted a few months back about being engaged to an introvert gal, and learning to adjust to her needs.

    Well, the good news is: the adjustment has gone far better than I thought! It may just be that I’m in love, but I’ve been on a long term serious relationship before, so I’m not new to the highs that come in the really stages of love. Nah, she is a keeper. The most beautiful girl–no, woman, in all of existence, and I mean every word of that declaration! Beautiful in mind, body, heart, soul–all of it.

    Things are great. Communication is as good as ever. A few months after that initial pay, I found that because I was so conscientious of her alone time, she actually spent quite a lot more of her time with me than I thought! Turns out, she can get the same our similar effect of alone time with us time, thoughwhen she needs it, she takes time completely alone. I love this gal, I’m Gibbs sirens my whole life with her, and all of eternity to boot. We’re happily looking forward to our marriage in August (2014), and look forward to raising a family together.

    She is supportive of my endeavors to sing in the opera and compose film music, just as I am supportive of her continuing her education. It’s bliss and happiness, and I’m fairly certain on a hunch that it will continue to be happy if we work hard at it.

    You were right about my HSP element: it has paid and rewarded greatly. Turns out that she is also HSP, but I, as opposed to my E. But we’re like Yin and Yang, cliche as that may come off.

    The bad need: she had to move back home for a little while. (I am in Idaho, and home for her is Missouri). 🙁 That was hard to see her go, but she took it quite well, and assured me we would be in regular communication. That is going well. We expect to see each other in December, though. Depends on how everything works out. I am okay, she’s okay. It really is a beautiful relationship where we are both working to meet each other’s needs. I am close to tears because I feel like the luckiest, most blessed man in all of existence to have won her love.

    Thank you introverts for being the amazing people you are. This is from an extrovert. Thank you…thank you…

    • ExtroEngagedtoIntro September 12, 2013 at 5:10 am - Reply

      Please excuse the typos. I am ecstatic and typing on my phone (Swype).

    • Brenda Knowles September 12, 2013 at 2:03 pm - Reply

      Awww thank you for the update. Your joy and enthusiasm is palpable. I am so glad your awareness and respect for her temperament paid off. It sounds like she is respecting your needs as well. Keep the communication honest and open. Time apart may deepen your relationship. Introverts love to reflect and revel in thoughts and experiences. Stay as connected as possible without being obnoxiously text happy. We love connection but phones ringing and beeping too much can feel like disruptions to our thinking/being.

      Much more happiness to you and your sweetheart.:)

  100. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) ( […]

  101. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live) […]

  102. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live) […]

  103. Ann August 2, 2013 at 6:08 pm - Reply

    i go back to this blog posting all the time. I find myself in a season of introversion. This writing is soothing to me and allows me to find words for my feelings. I honestly think this is the most important writing I have read in a long long time. Thank you again Brenda for this transparency into your “world”.

    • brennagee August 3, 2013 at 7:33 am - Reply

      I’m so happy my words and story are soothing your spirit. In expressing myself and connecting with you, I am learning about myself as well. Therapy for everyone!;)

  104. Evgeny July 15, 2013 at 2:00 pm - Reply

    I’m glad I found this one. Shared experiences like these help me in my struggle to keep my humongous Ego down and appreciate the loved one more.
    This issue is not a recent discovery to me. This introvert-extrovert antagonism has been a number one issue in our complicated relationship with my wonderful girlfriend. She’s the one who is introverted, and I am her polar opposite in many aspects. For the past few months I have been researching on this topic as much as my limited extrovert’s attention span can allow. The information I got helped me a lot to understand and appreciate introverts. Most importantly, it helped me understand my girlfriend and be more patient with her. But generally, this struggle to make peace with her occasional lack of emotion, attention, visible affection and her need to disappear out of the blue once in a while has turned to be a major failure to me. We’ve have been literally battling for every inch of our interests in this relationship. It’s ironic: I know exactly what’s going on with her and why, and I know why I shouldn’t get frustrated and take it personally, but it doesn’t help. Every time is just like the first time. I crave for her attention, caress and most of all – her physical presence in my life. I NEED it as much as she needs her downtime. And sometimes I get it all. She can make me feel like the most cherished person on the planet, then Boom! All of it is gone in a New York minute. She becomes like a completely different person, who doesn’t care a bit about me. Yes, I am exaggerating, but sometimes it does feel that way on my end. So, we’ve been pointlessly fighting and fighting and fighting for months.
    This is a pretty young relationship. Although, I am quite experienced in this realm, having gone through one unhappy marriage already, but I’ve never dealt with a real introvert before in the romantic relationship. I do want us to get old together, but this “Jungian type” difference of ours can make it a bit of a challenge. So, all I wanted to say is that it gives me a great relief when I see both sides share their experience. I see I’m not alone in my struggle and on the other hand I can understand her better.

    • brennagee July 16, 2013 at 8:42 am - Reply

      You are definitely not alone in the challenge to meld an introvert/extrovert relationship into something mutually satisfying and glorious. This subject has been the most popular arena on space2live. Awareness helps. I applaud you for striving to understand and relate to your girlfriend. Do you feel she has done the same as far as learning about your nature and respecting it?
      Even though I am an introvert I can relate to your desire to having more of your girlfriend’s physical presence and attention. While dating another introvert, I have found it difficult to honor their need for space sometimes because the intimacy we share (emotional and sexual) is so satisfying and rich that I don’t want to go without. I feel I expand in their presence which is addictive. At the same time, I realize if we don’t get our separate time alone we won’t have as much to offer or give each each other and ourselves. All I can say is you are on the right track in that you are heightening your awareness and understanding. You will have to decide if what she can offer is enough.

      Best of luck. Try to see each other’s gifts and cherish them.

      • Evgeny July 16, 2013 at 2:30 pm - Reply

        My girlfriend is the most giving and altruistic person I know. And she has done a great deal of work trying to understand my ways and giving me what I want. I know she’s doing her best, struggling with her lack of energy and socially awkward behavior. Well, she wasn’t ‘struggling’ with it until I came into her life and all of a sudden it became a problem. Generally, she feels pretty content and self-sufficient being the way she is, as most introverts who realize who they are. But we definitely started spending more time together after it turned out to be important and that was her sacrifice to me. That drains her, so sometimes she suddenly goes out like a light bulb and stays that way for a while. Well, who am I telling this, we all know exactly what happens.

        The time we spend together is my source of vital force. That is addicting. My emotional attachment to her is huge. When she’s gone it feels like a withdrawal. Don’t want it to sound like an obsession. Perhaps, when we start living together we can figure something out that works for both of us.

        Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and keep up the good work!

    • Stefan July 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm - Reply

      I can fully understand you. I have an introvert girlfriend as well and had a very hard time understanding her reactions and her “shutting down” and “Pulling away” for the longest time, until I started doing some research and discovered that introverts need this space to recharge. Posts like this one helped me realize what is going on, understand her reactions and not take things personal. After every period of “withdrawal” follows some time with unbelievable affection and it is always a great relief… I do know understand her much better!

    • film8mm2013 September 5, 2013 at 8:37 am - Reply

      I can totally relate to your post. I, too, am in a relatively young relationship with an introvert. I have never dated an introvert before and it is a completely new experience. She has spent nearly every day with me. Being an extrovert, I have consumed this wholeheartedly. There have been days where the depletion in her has been more than physically, mentally, and emotionally visible. Recently, there has been talk of needed space. I am trying my best to be understanding, but I know I could do better. We have discussed the real connection and authenticity of our feelings for each other and the very real possibility of longevity. I want to be able to give her the space she needs and still feel ok about the security of the relationship. What do you do that helps you feel ok?

      • Evgeny September 5, 2013 at 10:27 am - Reply

        Unfortunately, there are no ready-made solutions I know of. We had almost broken up a couple of times because of that issue. There have been hours of amicable discussions and mutual agreements, but every time she distances herself I feel almost offended, just like the first time. And then we fight, and it takes at least one more day until she is ready for reconciliation and so on. A cycle repeats in a familiar pattern. As a result, you don’t get what you want either way and you both suffer. So, knowing what’s going on doesn’t necessarily help you. It’s nearly impossible to reeducate a full-fledged adult. So, I’d suggest you pray that you don’t do or say something stupid next time around and instead force yourself to go somewhere and do something else, even if you don’t want to. There’s a chance you will get used to each other more or less. Her bad mood out of the blue is guaranteed and there’s nothing you can do about it but leave her alone. You’ll get upset too and feel that she doesn’t treat you right. That’s when a fight comes in. And if you don’t develop an emergency plan for such a bad day, you are in a world of trouble. Go work out, fish, walk, read, whatever. She knows that you hate it and you miss her and she feels guilty, which is the root of all evil in this type of relationship. I think, loving someone is accepting them the way they are. Therefore, we need to grow some balls to take such responsibility.
        Don’t give up!
        The truth is that since we moved in together and moved out of our hometown, things started looking a little bit better.

  105. Tech Savvy Lender June 8, 2013 at 3:57 pm - Reply

    Reblogged this on Tech Savvy Lender and commented:
    What a superb piece! I bet this REALLY resonates with my innie friends!

  106. Chris Sanderson June 8, 2013 at 3:56 pm - Reply

    Oh wow! This was amazing. Thank you!!!!

    • brennagee June 8, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply

      Thank you for reading and responding. Are you an introvert or extrovert? We are all a little of both, but one dominates usually. Thanks for your kind words.

  107. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live) […]

  108. maia April 30, 2013 at 8:08 pm - Reply

    I only knew yesterday that introverts have special needs. I thought that there must be something wrong w/ me why I am not like others. You said that introverts form deep relationships; well, I do occasionally. For several years now, the closest relationship I have is w/ an extrovert friend who I have been in love with for several years, w/o anything being said on this between us. Contrary to what you said about needing space, I dont have such compunction w/ people I love. I am most happy in his presence. I jaz withdraw when he hurts me or has shaken my self perception, or when I am jealous and insecure, coz I couldnt tell him that I love him. I think, and others do too, that he does not feel the same about me, coz we’ve been hanging out as friends for several years now. In fact, i feel that our friendship has deteriorated from being very close, going out/being out often to seeing ea other once a week though we work in the same bldg. I feel that I should definitely move on (I have difficulty you see coz I couldnt seem to get over him though I tried several times), coz I couldnt imagine it working between us bec he does not feel the same and I am so tired of my situation. I honestly dont think I can really find anyone who could really love me the way I am.

    • brennagee May 1, 2013 at 11:35 am - Reply

      Introverts are generally better at forming longterm meaningful relationships than making 100s of light friendships or acquaintances. Do you believe you are an introvert? Where do you get energy? In solitude or from social interaction? Introverts are not necessarily anti-social. We just prefer selective socializing usually in small groups or one on one.

      I don’t need as much space when I am with people who fuel me – i.e. have similar passions, know how to go deeply into conversations, are good listeners.

      Only you can make yourself happy. Look inward (which should be easy for an introvert because we have rich inner worlds) and see your own light. You are absolutely lovable the way you are. See my post, There’s Nothing Wrong with You. You’re an Introvert, for a list of all the gifts an introvert has to offer.

      Best of luck moving forward from this day on. You are obviously introspective and considerate. Pay attention to where you feel your best. Follow that energy.:)

  109. Lobster April 30, 2013 at 7:19 am - Reply

    Such a great blog! Thank you. Only recently realising I am an introvert, after many many years of “I don’t fit in” or am “just socially awkward” and general introspection. My husband and all my (2) close friends are extrovert, and they understand how I operate which coupled with my politeness, empathy and the fact that I work from home, alone, in silence, means it works out well. Mostly. 🙂

    I have recently been forging a friendship with another who is more introverted than me and found that I am craving time with them – we seem to understand each other, we don’t fight for domination of the conversation, we can both open up, him more than me. And we can just be. I am now finding that I am the one chasing them for contact! It is all by text, no phone calls as he wouldn’t pick up, but then again neither would I usually! But I am finding it difficult to back off.

    I know that sometimes I need a nudge. I have told my other friends to please keep inviting me and contacting me. If I decline it is not personal it is just that I can’t be around others at that time. So I have adopted the same approach with this other friend, never pressuring him, just the odd invite to catch up. However most of the time I don’t even get a reply, period, other than when we do see each other – usually because he has phoned me – then he will say “oh I got your text 2 weeks ago”. But I do find it tough, to have found a friend who is like me, that doesn’t drain me. I seem to have latched on! I need to remember who I am and then appreciate he is more introverted. Omg, it must be so tough for extroverts to care for us sometimes!! Hats off to those that do.

    • brennagee May 1, 2013 at 11:20 am - Reply

      I had a very similar experience. I finally found someone who did not drain me and actually fed me in a way that no one else ever had but he needed space more than I do (and that’s saying something;). My introverted ideal companion had many emotionally meaningful relationships so I sometimes had to wait my turn. He was not extroverted and outwardly social but he drew people to him with his way of being. I felt very at home and relaxed with him and so did others. In between one-on-one conversations he spent a lot of time alone.

      I understand your desire for more time/attention/interaction with this person. It’s very nourishing. Ultimately, I decided to just be grateful that person existed and that we could connect as deeply as we did. He is still my friend and I met a few other very cool people through him. I still consider him to be one of the people who knows me the best.

      Cherish the relationship you have. And yes, I can see where extroverts could get frustrated with us innies and our penchant for alone time.

      Thank you so much for sharing. It brought back some memories for me. I’m thrilled you found someone who gives you the freedom to “just be”.

      • Lobster May 1, 2013 at 5:38 pm - Reply

        Thank you brennagee! A little distance and perspective is great to stop the spiral sometimes and actually notice and cherish what you do have.

  110. Kim Fernino April 5, 2013 at 9:54 pm - Reply

    What a wonderful find! Thank you for the comments and insights. I am an extravert (small e) dating an introvert for the first time in my 54 years on this blue marble. I am intrigued, baffled, warmed, puzzled, surprised and dozens of other verbs by my introvert. We went to HS together but don’t remember each other and connected via an online dating site. We hit it off immediately – he is a gentle, soft, philosophical soul that has been hurt immensely. I am a gentle, soft, philosophical soul that has been hurt immensely.

    Being an empath, I’ve conceded the ‘driving’ to him as I understand our differences and his need for space. I’m very independent and he is quite happy about that. It took 3 months to elevate our relationship to a physical, intimate level but it is pure bliss. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a spiritual physical relationship.

    To be honest I find it hard to deal with the lack of a ‘regular’ once or twice a week presence in each others’ lives. He is moving 7 miles away from me this coming week so I hope the contact will be a bit more frequent. I am also of the mindset that no matter how close the relationship, I would like to maintain a separate residence. I have friends in that situation and it is desireable for me and for my beau. Our relationship is taking more time to get off the ground than my others but because it’s so different I am willing to invest the time and effort. It is a challenge for this extravert – I will not lie. I am not a demanding, dramatic, intrusive person but I crave a bit more physical presence. I have needs too and hopefully we can strike a balance. I feel he is worth my time and effort. I have never met anyone like him and am completely smitten. He’s expressed to me that no woman in his life has ever made him feel so in touch with his masculinity as I have.

    Crossing my fingers…. thank you again for the invaluable advice.

    • brennagee April 6, 2013 at 8:50 pm - Reply

      Hurray for you and your beau!! You sound like you enjoy each other immensely. In my short (one year) post-divorce dating experience I have found that it is most gratifying when you take it slow. Savor every nuance and new observation. You will learn from your introvert and he from you. I’m sure he does appreciate that you are independent. I have found that a key attribute. Revel in your intimacy. Good things are worth waiting for and worth the effort.

      I know it is difficult for e’s to be away from their i’s. I hear from extroverted readers all the time how hard it is to give their space-loving partners time away. Focus on the high quality relationship you have when you are together. See if you can be alone-together (in the same space but doing different activities). Sometimes that works if the extrovert can give the introvert uninterrupted time.

      Best of luck! Thank you for sharing your wonderful relationship. You sound like two lovely people. Have fun reveling in each other.:)

    • Daydreamer April 17, 2013 at 2:03 pm - Reply

      Run don’t walk. He will never work on being more present. This is how they are. He is interested now, but in 2,3,5 yeatrs he will loose interest in being communicative and sexual. I was were you are and because I was so in love I thought I would change him a little. Wrong! They love differently than we do. We will need a little more than they can offer and at that point they will say ” Take me as I am or leave me”. They refuse to maybe seek help to be able to give more and by more I mean 10% more than what they’re giving. My introvert told me that I saved his life and that I made him the happiest men alive.
      At the beginning he will come out of his comfort zone and do amazing things with you. That is because of the “in love factor” but when that dies down a little he will change. You will be in pain! Better to look for someone more compatible. I would do things differently knowing what I know now. We are married, we are still together but it is very complicated… If I could go back in time, I would and believe me I would not be married now…
      This is my two cents.

      • Kim Fernino April 18, 2013 at 6:12 am - Reply

        Thanks Daydreamer. Well with my ‘luck’ or lack thereof with previous relationships – even my 20+ year marriage, I am trying the opposite of what I normally do. With this person my gut is completely calm. Also in the past my gut was churning, even with the extravert (Uppercase E) that pursued me aggressively and promised me the moon. My beau is an attorney and has a voice. He is into many of the metaphysical pursuits that I am as well. I have never been with a man this ‘different’ and it intrigues me right now.

        That said – my needs have to be met as it’s a two way street. I’ve been reading on some introvert blogs that we extraverts (well I’m really an ambivert) mindlessly chatter, never stop talking, are exhausting. That is an unfair stereotype. I am a very giving, kind, private, compassionate and passionate person. I need more of a physical presence than he’s been able to give – he just bought a home and the process was ridiculously complicated. Now that he’s in his new home and 8 miles away instead of 40 I expect weekly visits and to have the frequency of those visits increase over time. I have a wide circle of friends and activities and will not give them up for anyone. He appreciates my independence. But I cannot live on ideas and talk of the future. I’m going to be 55 in a few weeks and do not have the luxury of being 40. I want a partner that I can share my life with. I am willing to give this a few more months but if my needs are not being met I’ll have to make some decisions. My ex-husband was a depressive/borderline and my life was miserable and numb. My current beau and I connected on an emotional level – something I’ve never had but some adjustments need to be made in other realms.

        I will consider your advice and thank you very much for your input.

      • Kim Fernino April 30, 2013 at 6:14 am - Reply

        Hello again Daydreamer – well it winds up that the introvert is no different than the extroverts in the romance dept. If men (of any personality type) don’t want to be in relationships than why do they pursue you and declare that you are the love of their life? Oh well… being an extrovert I bounce back easily. I guess there’s a reason why my ex-beau (who I had to cut loose because he didn’t have the stones) is still a bachelor after 13 years. Hope he’s happy with his new home and his 2 puppies that will anchor him safely in his anti-social cocoon. Yes I’m angry but it’s because my time was wasted and I could have been out having fun and meeting people instead of waiting around for a frail, delicate flower to gain his strength back and make a decision.

  111. bibliophile58 March 23, 2013 at 6:39 pm - Reply

    I got engaged to my cousin 3 months ago, and life has not been the same since. Every day I think of a thousand ways of how to end this relationship. It seems to me that everyone related, including my parents and my fiance’s family, are overjoyed at this union. Me, it has made me delve deeper in to depression and has left me incapable of having any sort of happy thoughts for a considerable period of time. It’s not that I hate him or anything, I just don’t want to have a relationship and marriage seems like hell, or worse, to me. Up till the moment that I read up on ‘Introversion’, I thought that my mom was right when she said that I have a serious problem because I don’t like being with people and sharing. Everyone had me convinced that I am arrogant, rude and just plain crazy for wanting too much solitude and having the time of time locked up in my room. Now I know that I’m not abnormal and I don’t need to be institutionalized. I love, love love being on my own. And the fact that I have a history of disastrous relationships, which I always thought were because of me because I’m the common denominator, has always added to the fact that people perceive me as weird. I studied Medicine for 5 years because my father wanted me to become a doctor. And I got through it by the grace of God. And I had this dream of being by myself and doing things for myself after I got over with Medicine. And lo and behold, my parents got me engaged. Now I feel like I’m constantly depressed and chronically thinking of ways to run away and be a fugitive. Recently, I even concocted a story in which my fiance got lost in some far off land and was declared dead because he was missing for a really long time, and thus I did not have to get married to him. The smallest and most innocent demands from either my fiance or my in laws renders me on the verge of panic attacks and I end up shutting myself in my room for hours on end. My fiance and I thankfully don’t share time zones so I don’t have to talk to him that much. My heart starts racing when he calls and the only way I get through an online chat is by plugging my ears with songs while I”m chatting with him. I really don’t want to get married, but I feel like I really don’t have a choice. How do I control my introversion and is that even possible? I’m extremely scared of the life that lies ahead.

    • brennagee March 23, 2013 at 7:16 pm - Reply

      Wow, I feel your anxiety and stress in your words. You are in a very difficult situation. I am not a doctor or expert on psychological conditions. I can only speak from my own experience. I saw that you have a blog and use it to express your side of the story. Writing can be very therapeutic so I am glad you found that outlet. Have you ever talked to a therapist of any kind? Your depression and panic attacks are serious signs that you may not be able to do this on your own. I know towards the end of my marriage I found myself with the same symptoms you have. I did work my way out of and through them. I went to counseling and tried more non-traditional therapy. Art and writing therapy are wonderful ways to absolve anxiety.

      I do think you may benefit greatly from time away. You need space (outside of the house) to mend frayed nerves.

      Do you have relationships that give you energy and make you feel content? Nurture those.

      I also think you may want to check out Elaine Aron’s books on Highly Sensitive people. I have read them all. I am highly sensitive. You may be too.

      Introversion isn’t something you need to control. It has gifts and drawbacks but for the most part it is just different from extroversion in that energy is derived internally and from solitude. I hope you come to see the beautiful traits of introversion (good listeners, appreciate beauty, good advisors, rich inner life, empathic, able to concentrate for long periods, etc.).

      Best of luck to you. Find your peace. Don’t be afraid to seek help from friends, therapists, family.

      Thank you for your brave and honest sharing.

      • bibliophile58 March 23, 2013 at 7:41 pm - Reply

        I Love to write. And yes, this blog has been my one source of true and pure happiness when everything else seems turned on it’s head. Unfortunately I live in a society carrying really heavy taboos when it comes to therapy and counselling. These things are considered as a leisurely activity for the rich and mighty. Acceptance of personality issues and problems is a rarity. Thankfully I do have a friend, just the one, in whom I can confide and she has helped me and I cherish my relationship with her! Reading through your blog is such an eye opener and it certainly made me feel less ‘alone’. Hopefully I can, and more importantly, others can find ways to appreciate my introvert self!

        • brennagee March 24, 2013 at 8:08 am - Reply

          I understand the cultural taboo of counseling. I’m thankful here in the U.S. it is a more accepted practice, although no one is exactly shouting at the top of their lungs if their mental health is wavering or troubling them. Embrace your close relationship with your friend. Community was a key component for me to find my bearings and go forward with confidence. I’m glad you feel a sense of belonging here at space2live. You are definitely not alone.:)

  112. Happily Engaged Guy March 16, 2013 at 9:50 pm - Reply

    I see a lot of comments on here where the girl is extroverted and the guy is introverted. In my case, it’s the opposite, gender-wise. I am a HSP-Extrovert, and so down time is not surprising to me. But there are times where she needs to be alone, and my heart is wanting her presence. Those times are very hard. I do my best to not be demanding of her time, because the last thing I want to do is drive her away. She is such an amazing gal, and our personalities, interests, values, etc. mesh so well. I mean, her and I aren’t engaged to be married for nothing. 😛 Perhaps some counsel on those times when she needs to reflect by herself, and my heart desires her company what I can do to feel a bit better. During those times, I feel lonely and depressed. When we’re both “being alone together,” there is no problem, and I find a lot of joy in my own creative (musical) pursuits. The times where she needs alone time, and I am wanting her around are few and far between…I suppose one could say I’m being overly sensitive about all this, but I am a highly sensitive person, after all.

    Any counsel?

    • brennagee March 17, 2013 at 2:15 pm - Reply

      First, I want to say your HSP traits are serving you and your fiancé well. You seem very in tune with your feelings and her need for alone time. You express yourself well so I’m sure the communication between you two is excellent. So important.
      Secondly, I want to say that you should not take her craving for space personally. I know when I need solitude I don’t want anyone even in the house. In another room is not good enough. I recently heard a radio DJ (very social job) say the same thing. That said, I’m glad you guys thrive in “alone together” time.
      I know Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power, said that her extrovert husband said it’s like she takes away a light when she pulls away from him and needs time alone. I love that you have other passions, music, to keep your heart and soul engaged. I think creating something helps fill everyone up. I know it’s not the same as a partner but it’s a worthwhile endeavor nonetheless. Is there some good you could do in the world? Someone you could help while your fiance is soaking up her internal world? Do you have close friends to turn to for listening and fun? I would think the worst thing you could do would be to be idle and stew in the emptiness you feel without her present. If your girlfriend is like me, she will appreciate not having to be the one to make you happy. She will want you to be full and complete on your own and ready to share all your awesomeness with her when she is full as well (solitude required for that).
      I’m sorry I don’t have beautifully perfected answers. Maybe you could help me by telling me what seems to work best when you are missing your fiancé. What keeps the loneliness at bay?

      Thank you so much for sharing. It easier for us introverts to empathize with extroverts if we hear the other perspective.

      • Happily Engaged Guy March 18, 2013 at 6:42 am - Reply

        It’s not something I should take personally, yes, you are right. Of that I am aware, and wish very much to not do so. As I mentioned, it doesn’t happen often–very occasionally–and those few times it does, it’s no fun. As for keeping the loneliness at bay, my brother and his wife (who is a really good friend of mine, like a little sister) are close contacts that I can reach immediately. However, both are busy (he with schooling and she with working), and I don’t know many others on a “close friend” basis up here. I, myself, am getting ready to start a career in opera singing, and so I may be away from them awhile. My fiancé and I have no problems with distance, and it wouldn’t be too far, anyway. We’ve been together long enough that to be apart now wouldn’t spell doom on the relationship, especially for the few months of the opera season.

        Anyway, you didn’t ask me questions to hear about my career exploits. 😛 So what does keep the loneliness at bay? I am still trying to figure that one out. The remainder of this reply might be a bit long, but I’ll try to keep it brief as I can. I think it is important that you understand a bit of my background so that you get a clearer view as to who I am now. I pray that this doesn’t come off as too strange. In 2006, I went to serve a mission for my church. 8 months into it, I somehow developed symptoms of bipolar and schizoaffective disorder, or some mix of the two. Two years prior to the mission, I met my ex girlfriend (her and I were together for four years before she broke it off in 2008). Needless to say, I was thrown down into a huuuge funk where I was blown back to the mental capacities of a child who couldn’t take care of himself. From 2006 till early last year (2012), I was battling this thing. In 2008, my ex broke it off, going on a mission herself, and not wanting to deal with my illness anymore. Phew. That was devastating, whether it was well-meaning or not. I spiraled down and down until I wanted to end it all in 2009, but because of a very miraculous realization at the end of that year, I didn’t. I wouldn’t be here if not for that, I think. 😛 In the years after 2009, I improved greatly, moving from psychiatric meds to more natural stuff. By mid 2012, I was off all my old medications, had dropped over 100 lbs, and was mentally capable, more so than I had ever been.

        Now, during all that time of trying to heal, especially after my ex left, I was wanting very much to date and find love again. Heh, funny how that works. It’s like thee proverbial kid who wants the cake now, but it’s still baking. At the end of 2012, I met my now-fiancé, and boy did we click and work magically together! As you guessed, our communication has been nothing short of flawless and easy, very open, honest, non-judgmental, non-accusatory. It’s a dream come true. Gosh, I dunno why I’m even griping over a few instances where she wants to be alone and my heart desires her presence!

        But such is the case. So, now that you have a (brief) backstory, I’m thinking that it has been hard to “keep the loneliness at bay,” among other, littler psychological issues (that are definitely within my ability to overcome, just need to figure out exactly how now that my mind is free) because I only really just have been able to focus on some of these things when the symptoms of some pretty nasty mental/psychological disorders are no longer present. So the answer: I’m still trying to figure out what keeps it at bay. It’s a journey, to be sure, and it isn’t easy, but I can tell you that it is far preferable to where I was just a few years ago.

        Because I live in a dorm with my roommates at this time, I could make their lives a bit better while my lovely fiancé is on her time, and it’s during a time where I desire her company (for, as I mentioned, most of the time, it’s not a big deal…it’s just those few times). I could, while they’re out at school, or at work, tidy up the living room/kitchen area. I’m sure they’d appreciate that. ^_^ Or I could continue to keep up on my vocal training (I’ve been singing with classical training for over nine years now), and prepare for my audition. I’m sure there are a number of things I could do. All I know is that no matter what, my love always returns with this huuuuge smile on her face from her alone time to throw her arms about my shoulders and greet my with the happiest eyes I’ve ever seen. I suppose the only other thing besides that would be my own future children doing the same when I walk through the–that’d be the only other thing, I think, that’d give me so much joy.

        It’s worth mentioning, though, that Esther tells me that often during her alone times, she thinks about me, about us, and “misses [her] Aaron,” as she says. She’ll text me periodically during those times, and on the days where I am feeling particularly lonely, one of those is like a gift from God.

        I hope I have not digressed too much here. I hope you are able to gain some clearer insights and understanding into my world a bit. To sum up: because of the stressful lifestyle of the mission, and being HSP (which I had no idea of at the time), I began to develop over-methylation in the form of symptoms of bipolar/schizoaffective disorders, and took a few years to overcome that. A program was found where all that was re-balanced, and I am mentally healthy again. However, there are still some residual little “thorns” that have been with me since childhood, and so I’ve been trying to identify the triggers and reform the cognitive behaviors accordingly. Now that my mind is free to do so from the symptoms that caused me to regress, it’s easier than before, but still a challenge at times. And ongoing. Included in some of those “thorns” are the feelings of abandonment when my ex left five years ago. It was that bad… But it’s mending with Esther’s love and my own for myself.

        So your question: “What keeps the loneliness at bay?” Well, I don’t know yet. I’m working on it though, and have made some serious progress. Usually confiding in others these most personal and serious things (as in with my sister-in-law and brother, etc.) has been helpful. And I’ve done my best to try and meet Esther’s needs, even though I don’t always understand.

        Hope that helps, and that it’s not so long and drawn-out as to be an eyesore. ^^’

        • brennagee March 18, 2013 at 11:19 pm - Reply

          You have done some very hard work and you sound very healthy Aaron. You have a passion and close relationships outside of your relationship with Esther. I am especially glad that you know you have to have love for yourself. That will sustain you no matter what. Again, I’ll mention that your communication with your fiancé sounds refreshingly open and transparent. She feels free to express her need for space and you are honest about your mental health and desire to be with her. It seems that hitting bottom is often a precursor to clarity. You’ve learned much about yourself and connecting with others because of your struggles. Bravo! Use that knowledge for your benefit and others’.

          Thank you so much for being so candid about your last seven years. Vulnerability opens doors. It gives others permission to be imperfect.

          Keep doing what you’re doing! I’m fascinated by your career path. I imagine it’s a rich and beautiful field although competitive no doubt. You have an amazing personal story to draw from when you need strength and emotion.

          All my best, Brenna

          • Happily Engaged Guy March 19, 2013 at 10:09 am

            Thank you for the reply. ^_^ Going through hardship and rising from it again does provide clarity to life. Of course, there’s always a bit of baggage that resides, but that can be worked through, right? I spoke with my fiancé last night, and we had a meaningful conversation about each others’ needs. It is still astonishing how equally we love one another, and are willing to sacrifice for each other.

            Bad or otherwise negative experiences can make or break folks, and I chose make. Even though part of my young life was lost as a result, I’m glad the lessons were learned earlier in my life, rather than later. I’m glad I found this article. It has been real helpful and informative about introverts and how to care for them. I love mine with all my heart. ^_^

  113. manda January 2, 2013 at 1:44 pm - Reply

    A week ago my partner of just over 1 year and I had a rare argument it was out of the blue and we were both to blame, although he doesn’t see it that way, he’s blaming me entirely. he has gone quiet on me he doesn’t want to talk or contact me in any way, i am devastated as we had a really loving relationship right up to the argument. he has only just been able to admit he loves me after all this time. i don’t know how to get him back i am desperate to do so and him forgive me. i know he is still grieving for his mother who died this year. i have read this page and cant believe so much of it is exactly his personality type. what should i do now?, i’ve text and tried ringing and not surprisingly, having read this page, to no avail.

    • brennagee January 2, 2013 at 2:09 pm - Reply

      I am not a relationship expert but if I had to guess I would say he may need some space to process how he feels about you. The one year mark is a milestone. He may feel like this is time to consider exactly where your relationship is going. If his mind is full (mother’s death to process, your relationship, work, stress?), your argument may have been the last straw. He may need a breather to recharge. Your calls and texts have let him know you are still there. You could try emailing him. I prefer email to phone calls and texts sometimes – so I can read and respond at my own leisure. Emails feel less urgent and persistent too. Keep them brief.

      Go softly with him. Don’t pepper him with requests for his attention. It could be overwhelming (even irritating) if he really needs time to think and recharge.

      I hope all works out. Remember introverts like to have time to daydream about and miss the ones they love. It’s part of the fun – the anticipation of pleasure. 😉

      Thanks for reading and leaving a thoughtful comment.

      • manda January 2, 2013 at 2:42 pm - Reply

        Thank you so much, i’ll give him space and time to think about the special relationship we had. i’ll also send the occasional text to remind him i’m thinking about him. fingers crossed he’ll want to make amends in time.

  114. A December 18, 2012 at 9:52 pm - Reply

    I randomly stumbled upon your blog, and this post in particular has been really eye-opening, thank you! I’m a total Type A go-go-go extrovert, while my boyfriend’s pretty much exactly the type of introvert you describe. It’s certainly been challenging, but I’m learning a lot in the process. I need to talk everything through, particularly if it’s a (real or perceived) relationship issue; he recently told me that “if I don’t say anything [about XYZ], it means everything’s fine”. This is exquisite emotional torture for someone like me, really, because the line of reasoning I gravitate towards naturally is “he’s not talking – something’s wrong – he won’t tell me what’s wrong – it must concern me – there’s something wrong with me – he wants to end it”, whereas he’s just watching a movie by himself in his mancave. I’d love to read more on what I can do iron these wrinkles out – would you recommend any articles or books on the subject?

    • brennagee December 19, 2012 at 7:08 pm - Reply

      My best advice is to not take his need to be alone or not talk personally. Sometimes we just crave a lack of stimulation. It’s great that you are aware and open to understanding a temperament so different from yours. You both can learn from each other. It’s nice to have someone in your life who has different energy as long as you respect your differences.

      Here are a few books I have found helpful: Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Introverts at Ease by Nancy Okerlund and a very special endorsement for Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

      Please check out There’s Nothing Wrong With You. You’re an Introvert. on this site as well.

      Thanks so much for commenting and reading. Best of luck to you in your relationship. I believe introverts and extroverts can co-exist (date, marry) with understanding and respect for their different temperaments.

      • A December 20, 2012 at 11:59 am - Reply

        Thank you for the advice and encouragement! I’ll be sure to keep reading 🙂

  115. Renee October 20, 2012 at 3:34 pm - Reply

    “Introverts are not into small talk. We want to share emotions, feelings and ideas.”

    I dated an introvert for 3 1/2 years for whom this was NOT the case. He did not want to share his emotions at all, and would only do so if I very carefully, gently suggested it. Even so, it was perhaps one time in 10 that he would open up even slightly. He much preferred small talk — chatting about food/wine/travel/light politics. I know he’s a wonderful person, but his inexperience and discomfort with discussing the bigger things in life ultimately ended our relationship. He deeply wants children, but simply would not (or could not) discuss any aspect of parenthood.

    I always wonder what I could have done differently. I used to write letters to give him time to process things and respond, but even that had limited results. I’m still greatly attracted to introverts, but I don’t want a repeat of this very happy but nonetheless failed relationship. Any advice for me?

    • brennagee October 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm - Reply

      Hmmm. We are all on an introvert/extrovert continuum so he may have recharged in solitude but enjoyed the ease of simple small talk. Did he enjoy parties with lots of people and plenty of opportunity for surface conversations?
      Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? Does he open up with anyone? I love the idea of letter writing in order to give him time to process and respond. I’ve known men who never showed much emotion until they were “cracked open” by a trauma of some sort. Once the gates were open and they received unconditional support (or they hit bottom and turned inward for strength) they felt more comfortable being vulnerable.
      Perhaps I misspoke when I included emotions in the list of introvert favorites to share. Ideas and concepts are usually energizing for introverts because they come from within and are exciting but perhaps your man was overwhelmed by emotions. I can see introverted logical types (think engineers, scientists) finding it difficult to emote outwardly. It may require too much energy.

      Love is a mysterious thing. We learn from every relationship. I believe your intuition will guide you to a more “big picture” or expressive mate the next time around.

      Best of luck and thank you for reading and commenting.

      • Heidi March 3, 2013 at 8:43 pm - Reply

        yes, tis true that introverted logical types find it extremely difficult to emote outwardly. i’ve been married to an introverted philosopher for 12 years.

        thanks for sharing your unique perspective with all of us inquisitive extroverts who simply want to better understand and love our introverts well. 🙂

        • brennagee March 3, 2013 at 11:00 pm - Reply

          So interesting. I’m a less logical, very emotive introvert. There is huge spectrum within each personality trait. How do you draw him out or do you leave him to his inwardness? Thanks for sharing.
          It’s so good and right to learn and understand each temperament’s perspective. We are all in this together.;)

  116. […] One of the gifts of introversion is that we have to be discriminating about our relationships.  We know we only have so much energy for reaching out; if we’re going to invest, we want it to b…  […]

  117. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) ( […]

  118. […] Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) ( […]

  119. wealthyandloved August 9, 2012 at 10:52 pm - Reply

    “If we are going to put ourselves out there it has to be magnificent. Better than solitude.” ohhh, how I relate to this. I have said to others that for time with them to trump my time with me, they must be pretty sensational! I sometimes forget that not everyone is so joyful in their inner wonderland, and it’s comforting to read your insightful and lovely words. Thank you for putting your inner world out here for us to see…it’s beautiful.

    • brennagee August 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm - Reply

      Yes! As I venture out into the social and dating world again I am highly aware of how my companions affect my energy levels. I always try to build solitude cushion into my schedule. I know myself. I need that slow breathing space that makes me hum and glow.:) Thank you, thank you for reading and commenting. I so appreciate your insight.

  120. […] One of the gifts of introversion is that we have to be discriminating about our relationships.  We know we only have so much energy for reaching out; if we’re going to invest, we want it to b…  […]

  121. elizabeth2560 August 3, 2012 at 4:47 pm - Reply

    I was thrown out of my extrovert (him) / introvert (me) relationship though no choice. It was difficult at first. Now I recognize that over the past 40 years I have not been able to be my true myself due to trying to keep up with the extrovert husband. I have not had time for that quiet time required for an introvert to re-charge. So, at this point in time, I have absolutely NO desire whatsoever of entering into ANY intimate relationship. I am learning being myself is OK. I am learning all about solitude. It is OK. It is more than OK. I am revelling in it. At this point in time, I do not want another relationship to impinge on the relationship I am enjoying with myself.

    • brennagee August 3, 2012 at 9:03 pm - Reply

      You go introvert girl! I completely understand where you are coming from. I felt lost in the hustle and bustle of my life and marriage – always worried about keeping up or disappointing someone who needed me. I now am working on a balance of some sorts. I go go go then I retreat to solitude or find a companion who gives me energy. I’m still happy to have alone time as well. That’s what’s great about introverts we don’t see being alone as lonely.

      Best of luck Elizabeth revealing the true you! Enjoy and savor.:)

    • eagleheart January 17, 2013 at 12:09 am - Reply

      yes it is okay to be yourself. So many times women in general get lost when they get married. They forget what they like because we pay so much attention to our children and our career and husband. If you are a chistrian like myself we are taught to put everyones need before ours. Then one day we wake up and realize its time for us to enjoy ourselves again. So, God bless you while you take time to enjoy whats left of your life. I’m the opposite from you. I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. My husband has taught me how to slow down and relax. He gives me the balance I need.

      • Omega Burnett February 22, 2013 at 12:26 pm - Reply

        I’m so gald I found this blog and this particular reply; an aha moment for me.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: