I lost a friend this week. I first met Tim in high school. We were never romantically involved, in fact, he dated two of my good friends, but I admired him always. In the 80s he introduced mohawks and the punk rock group, The Butthole Surfers, to our tiny-town high school. I remember learning that he used egg whites to get his hair to stand up tall and straight.
I held him in high regard for his brilliance and bravery. He wowed our AP English teachers with his perceptive perspective and well-written papers. He could hold his own on any philosophical, political or psychological discussion. He had the courage to be authentic and ballsy when most kids (including me) succumbed to peer pressure.
As a kid, I never knew what to say to Tim. My introverted brain felt too sluggish and timid to keep up with his quick wit and unique thinking. I mostly listened when he held court within our social group.
Somehow, in our late thirties, we connected online. I was finally able to communicate my thoughts without feeling intimidated. I had finally found my voice and Tim was receptive to my writing and ideas. His positive reception and understanding felt really good. Only a few people had offered me that kind of understanding and encouragement.
He shared his writing with me and encouraged my introspection, personal growth and creativity. He inquired about my life and work. I learned that he played every musical instrument and shared his talents with underprivileged kids by giving them instruments and teaching them how to play. At one point, he emailed me an excerpt on Greek philosopher, Epictetus, explaining that Epictetus pioneered the philosophy that we choose how we think, feel and react to external stimuli. I’m still pondering that.
I can’t say if he was an introvert, but he was introspective and intuitive as hell.
Are you an Intuitive or Sensing type?
As I stated in, Finding Someone Who ‘Gets’ You:The Electric Feeling of Connecting With Another Intuitive Thinker, according to Carl Jung and the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory, there are two options for how we take in the world: Sensing and Intuition.
We all use both options to a degree, but people who have a Sensing preference are more comfortable with facts, details, past experience and the information that is available to the senses at the moment. Sensors prefer what is real and verifiable. They tend to be practical people. They make sure 
plans are carried out.
Those with an Intuition preference like and trust information that is abstract, conceptual, ‘big picture’ and future oriented. They see possibilities. They read between the lines. Intuitive processors make intuitive ‘leaps’ in thinking and judgment based on patterns or associations they’ve collected and stored in their mind. They tend to see what could be. They are the dreamers and idea generators.
Intuitives like to ask, What if?
Sensors prefer What is?
Not understood = loneliness
According to Personality Hacker’s post, Develop Intuition with Your Personal Intuitive Awakening and Myers-Briggs studies, those with an Intuitive preference (Ns in Myers Briggs typology) make up about 25% of the population while Sensors (Ss in Myers Briggs) make up the remaining 75%.
Both intuition and sensing are valuable to society. Sensors provide stability, realism and function. Intuitives provide innovation, perspective and future thinking.
The hurt comes in when either type is not valued or appreciated.
Given that Sensors make up the majority of the population, their realistic methods are often viewed as the way to be. Sensors are valued and rewarded for their focus on logistics, money management, time management, efficiency and other practical skills. Like a mohawk in a farm town, Intuitive thinking can seem strange and mysterious. Intuitives are OK with not being practical because we prefer novelty, creativity and big picture anyway, but it hurts when we are not understood or appreciated or worse, told we are wrong and should change. If that happens we can feel lonely even when we’re with people. Sound familiar?
Just like an introvert trying to act like an extrovert, it takes more energy to act and think like a Sensor if you’re an Intuitive. It takes a lot of energy to go against the norm too, so often Intuitives hone their sensing skills to fit in.
Discovering I am an Intuitive as big as discovering I’m an introvert
Discovering I am an Intuitive thinker was as big as discovering I am an introvert.
My spiderweb thinking, lack of interest or skill in mundane practical things, penchant for ideas over facts and mental leaps from A to C without mentioning B, leave me feeling inept, odd or not understood in a lot of situations.
Sensors also seem to put a high value on productivity. Measurable and tangible output is the ideal. As a 
writer who spends a lot of time reading, thinking and writing, I often feel subpar when it comes to tangible output.
I don’t care about breaking down things into tiny parts. I want to look at the whole and explore it from different perspectives. I love talking about big concepts like motivation and relationships versus local news or sporting events. Not that I won’t take interest in those things if they are part of something I am passionate about, but it will take effort.
A lot of times, I just ‘know’ what I know based on observing subtle nuances in the environment or in someone’s body language and comparing them to patterns I’ve collected over my lifetime. There is no explaining how I reached my conclusion. Most Sensors would never trust that kind of knowing, therefore the majority of the population doubts or discredits my perceptions.
The 5 Unmet Needs of the Intuitive Person
Again according to Personality Hacker’s post, Develop Intuition with Your Personal Intuitive Awakening, there are five basic needs that are often unmet in an Intuitive’s life. They are:
- Freedom and Space to Explore — An Intuitive must feel free to make connections, see patterns and explore your inner and outer world.
- Permission to self-define — Most Sensing individuals are happy to follow the ‘life template’ of school, work, marriage, home, kids, retirement. Intuitives are not. They are dying to live life on their terms.
- Intuitive Connection, Conversation and Community — Intuitives often settle for one-sided relationships. They act like Sensors to get along with most people. They are starving for the connection and understanding of other Intuitives.
- Making an Impact and Influencing Your World — They must have influence on the world. They want to make the world a better place.
- Mentors and Action Plan — Intuitives need a mentor to help encourage and guide them to create and implement an action plan.
Feeling less alone
When I meet someone who fulfills those unmet needs, it’s like coming home. I feel understood and not alone. Finding another member of the Intuitive tribe is such a rush. Diving deep into the thought and idea ocean with someone fills me up and gives me energy. It’s been my experience that intuitive conversations are electric two-way currents with participants riffing off each other’s ideas with ease, much like I did communicating with Tim or how I imagine Tim playing in his jam bands.
My friend dove into the intuitive ocean with many people. He made people think with his positive attitude and genuine interest in them. He gave us space to talk and share and asked us questions. He didn’t follow the ‘life template’ and in doing so gave others permission to explore and self-define. He served as a mentor and definitely impacted lives. My intuitive tribe got a little smaller this week and that makes me sad but I’m grateful for having known such an individual. I hope to coach and encourage others like he did me. The following Epictetus quote seems appropriate for honoring him.
We have all a certain part to play in the world, and we have done enough when we have performed what our nature allows.[53] In the exercise of our powers, we may become aware of the destiny we are intended to fulfill.[54]”
— Epictetus
Are you an Intuitive? Do you ever feel lonely in this Sensing dominant world? Are you a Sensing preference? Do you feel frustrated by Intuitives and their non-tangible, unrealistic thinking?
Thank you.
You are welcome!
As an INFP, I resonated only too powerfully with the giddy sense of kindred others seeming almost like oxygen itself. For me, it’s just so hard to find interactive, supportive community. I struggle still (at times despair) to find anything beyond passing, online connection and, frankly, not developing a complex almost becomes the larger challenge. For the most part, it seems I’m still waiting for “Your vibe attracts your tribe” to prove itself. Can you offer any practical suggestions that might genuinely help introverted, sensitive, intuitive souls find shared belonging and supportive connection, most especially in person? Perhaps already established communities accessible online, especially with options to locate members in one’s geographical area? I’m ready to stop feeling I’m here only by way of some stork’s cosmic GPS error. Advance thanks!
Hi Tim,
I would pause to consider where you absolutely feel at home and/or most alive. Where does time fly? Where do you relax completely? Use that knowledge to home in on related gathering places. Personal examples for me an INFP/INFJ are: The writing/literary center in my city. I took writing classes there and found many kindred spirits. I also love the Unitarian Universalist church. It fits my needs for connection and spiritual development. Each congregation is different though, so you’d have to try it for yourself. I also love fitness classes with music (dance classes) or meditative properties (yoga). I took guitar lessons for a while and that led me to several friendships as well. I hope that helps. Best of luck!
Great article Brenda! Looks like you’ve done a lot of “soul searching.” I’m a 43 year old male married with 4 young kids. When I took the personality test with a purpose of self-discovery (for “the how and why” rather than for the “what), all the pieces started to fit. It was like getting a confirmation or validation for a lifetime of stored intuitive thoughts. Dreams, insights, memories, actions, etc. all began to find their organized place. The outside of the puzzle border had finally been framed, and the inside pieces started to create a picture! Breakthrough, liberation, self acceptance, and validation soon followed. In life, I had made the mistake of “playing the game” trying to be like everybody else (or the majority of 75% Sensors), but I wasn’t being true to myself; and I died slowly until I finally took the Personality test as mentioned above. I soon realized that I was “normal” but had an uncommon and rare personality type”. I didn’t need anti-depressants or other meds which were suggested by others, but I just needed to be understood. Fortunately, being into natural foods and holistic health, I never opted for any of the meds; but I almost hit rock bottom. It was like the Dr. Seuss book with the little duckling asking all the other animals “Are You My Mother?” I didn’t need to gain strength from other people’s validation from without, but be confident in my own assessments from within (although I am always open to correction if it is given gently and humbly). Anyway, I’ve got lots more to say, but I’ll start with this. I’m doing fantastic these days and have a whole new lease on life. By the way, I’m a male INFJ/INFP. Although this personality type has been a huge challenge in life, it is now going to be a huge strength in the days ahead. Knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle. Understanding is key! (:
David, I’m so glad you’ve gained the awareness that set you free.:) Being the same type INFP/INFJ, I know about playing the game and never quite feeling right about it. I can see your intuitive thinking popping up throughout your comment in your puzzle frame analogy and the tie in to a Dr. Seuss book. We intuitives like to relate things.:) Sending you a warm hello and a ‘welcome to the tribe!’.
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This article really spoke to me, as an Intuitive, thanks. It touched me in a positive way, in a difficult time. There’s this Dinosaur Jr album called You’re Living All Over Me. That’s the best way I can describe how I feel a lot of the time. If the people who don’t understand could just leave me alone.
Maybe a paradigm shift would be more helpful, ‘If I could just learn to understand myself and take care of my needs, I’d most likely be much more robustly healthy and able to deal with people who don’t get me.’
I’m sorry for your loss.
I have a feeling intuitive people link thoughts and ideas to music more than the sensing crowd. I think you’re onto something regarding taking care of and understanding yourself first. I work diligently to understand and honor my most important values. If someone crosses one of those values I react (hopefully in a constructive way;), but otherwise I strive to be calm and let things be.
I hope you find some peace during your difficult time. Just remember everything changes/passes, both the good and the bad. Sending you healing energy.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend Brenda, this article is a touching tribute to the impact he had on you. I’m definitely an intuitive introvert, and INFP, and although I have a lot of friends many seem to be sensors and as I get older I’m starting to find that type of conversation less interesting (sport, current events, gossip).
And as you so rightly point out, the ‘normal’ life template doesn’t appeal at all and others just don’t get that we’re not after the same things they are. Loved the ‘5 Unmet Needs of the Intuitive Person’ certainly something to think about there.
Interesting that you said as you get older the conversations you have with your sensor friends are less appealing. I wonder if an intuitive type conversation is inherently more mature. It’s more internally derived and intrinsically motivated, which seem like mature considerations to me. Hmmmm. Just something to ponder.
I’m glad this post resonated with you. Thank you for your insight. You made me think.:)
Thanks for the considered reply Brenda, I appreciate it. <. I think this is spot on, along with a growing and more intimate knowledge of myself, how I work and what motivates me. .
Hi, Brenda for this post. You know the funny thing is that I found your website when I was dating an introverted guy. In your posts the more I read I realized that I am an ambivert. After reading this post, I know that I am a strong intuitive person. My friends and family often come to me because I can sense and feel things that they cannot and they have often said “I was wrong” but later retracted and said “I was right.” Yes, I do agree with the loneliness and you were very fortunate to have another intuitive friend that understood you. The introverted guy I spoke about earlier and I are apart because of his divorce drama. He understood and was intuitive. I agree with the “permission to self-define”, My life has always been a roller coaster, no smooth sailing. I love living life on my terms. I am in the process of a career change in my 50’s and I recently found what could be a great mentor who is in her 50’s. I also love to hear from my younger colleagues who give me their perspective on life and encourage and support me. Thanks for your insight.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment Lilly. I’m glad you found me for whatever reason.;) That is wonderful that you found a great mentor in your new career. Us intuitives work well with mentors and freedom. Enjoy your transition. May it allow you to honor your intuition even more.
What a beautiful tribute. He often spoke of you, felt a special connection to you, and loved you. <>. (Laura is the first person, who is the second person he dated?)
Ha ha Jill! You’re the second one. I suppose ‘dated’ is too simple and casual of a word to describe the special long-term loving relationship you had. I hope you are holding up well. Wish I could be there for the service today. I’ll be there in heart and spirit my friend.
Love it thank you, another great article that resonates strongly with me. The idea of being in the minority who doesn’t feel compelled to live life by that template is so useful. And reading these expands my awareness every time, and reduces that idea of being alone and misunderstood 🙂 Thank you.
That’s what I want brendaknowles.com to stand for: Reducing the feeling of being alone and/or not understood. I’m so glad you are finding a home here.:)
Brenda, my condolences on your lost…… I honestly don’t know how you do it??!!! Your post are always spot on with my thinking and how I feel. I’m definitely an intuitive….People sense this and know this…my way of thinking a lot of people especially men, are taken aback by things that I know. They don’t know how to respond to what I’m saying,..They’ll usually try to say something slick, like telling me, I’m to deep, or I write to much or try to get me to think I’m crazy or something..they don’t care about my mind, its all about my body.. My intuition actually led me to find someone based off a conversation I had. I never knew this persons name, but I based it off of something he told me, and thats how I found him.
When I talk to women, they are so caught up in mediocre things and topics, and I wind up feeling mentally drained. I’m not the type to talk about, shoes, clothing or material possessions… writing, reading, music, cooking, creating, entrepreneurship is not something these individuals take interest in. I literally get a rush and feel high, and my dopamine gets a spike, when I find another intuitive person like me. I feel like I’m on cloud 9. I experience the same high with music.
When someone tells me they don’t read or write. I give them the side eye. Because I spend most of my time in my head, reading and writing. I can’t get my thoughts down quick enough…lol…. I always see the big picture and always have visions for my life and others. People come to me, to get a pick me up, but I can’t do the same with them. For the life of me, I wish they would use their brain, their six sense or third eye. I’m very quiet at times, but in my head my thoughts are very loud. I literally have to carry my laptop around with me, so when something hits me, I can write it down, lol or have my iphone with me so I can use my voice memo recorder. Most people don’t even know what that is. LOL. When I leave people voice recordings, they always ask, how did I do that?? I personally don’t understand, how one spends money on a phone and doesn’t utilized it functions. I need to get my monies worth!!
Every time someone ask me something, I always go into depth with it. I’m not a half ass person. I can assess when someone needs me to just listen and also when they are asking me for advice or an opinion. Someone I was friends with was arguing with her lover but it was her fault and she refused to see it, it was about her not being tidy. She’s always been like that, since I’ve known her….when she forwarded me the email. I simply said “what is that you feel you don’t deserve nice things and even love in your life??”. I said because every time you live in a space, you treat it like crap, there must be something deeper going on here, because it obvious you don’t like living in filth, but for some strange reason, you just don’t feel you deserve a clean home” I said it’s the same in your relationships, you put up with abuse, both verbal and physical and you have toxic relationships and this is exactly how you treat your home.” Her lover told her the same thing her male lovers told her. So going to the other side didn’t fix the problem or make it go away. Only way to make it go away is if you hook up with someone else that is the same way…just like when it comes to her smoking and drinking, the two of them support each others habits..when a nice guy came along, she never pursued it because this guy would try to changer her, make her clean or make her take a look at her life but she doesn’t want to change. And become a better person.
I know her mom was the same way, so its learnt behavior, but when you’re a 36 year old, its gotta stop…I can’t be around filth…I used to hate every time I would clean my room, my sister would come home and mess it up. When I go over to peoples houses and I see dishes in the sink or a mess, I’m like what is this!! I start cleaning and don’t even realize it sometimes and sometimes, I’ll find an excuse to clean, lol. I’ll take my cup or plate to the sink and while I’m there. I do the dishes. My friend that I mentioned above, one time she invited me over to her house when I was 19. and the place was a mess and I traveled for hours and I went down to the store to get cleaning supplies because there was no way I was sleeping in a house like that.
She knows how I live, so I’m not sure why she would even invite me over to a space that look like that. The sink had dishes in the sink, that was there for what seemed like months. And she had a child too. This woman does not like to clean for nothing… she wants someone else to do it. She told me, that she feels she’s a bad mother because her kids don’t have a clean house,… I said why do you feel you can’t give your kids a clean house? And that, she would go back to her abusive boyfriend, (her children’s father), just so they could have a clean home, because he had OCD when it came to cleaning… I was like WOW, you would go back to abuse just to avoid cleaning??…When she said that, it reminded me of what my mom was trying to do, she got tired of being in a domestic violence shelter with us and she went back to my father trying to work things out, just to give us a nice place to live but there was no love there and after 3 days of silence and him tricking her into thinking he changed, he went right back to being abusive and it was worse, it always got worse, we ended up right back in another shelter again. I understood what she was trying to do, because there was a lot of violence, there and living with other families and it was the 5 of us but it always got worse.
I don’t understand the mind of a person who keeps going back to the same thing that broke them. Being addicted to pain and suffering. Theres always something deeper going on…usually a lack of self love and low self esteem and the things we tell ourselves. As if this is as good as it gets. Love does not hurt. When people know that ‘I know’ things, they alway stay clear of me….. But then they seek me at the same time. I know how to deal with my friends children better than they do sometimes, lol. they think because I don’t have kids I don’t know…. Parents have to realize they are the parent. When I tell them to try this and that, they try it and to their surprise it works. Sometimes it doesn’t work because they get frustrated and want to shut the child up, but you can’t do that to a child, because they will take that very same behavior into their adulthood. because I happen to meet these people, and when they have issues, its usually stemming from their childhood. Like when I meet needy clingy men. That’s a whole other topic.
Right now in this new chapter in my life…I’m searching for a career where I can be creative and help people,…. but Its a bit of an oxymoron because I need to retreat but I want more meaningful work. I feel I need a coach as well and as soon as things pick up for me monetarily I will be giving you a call :). Its like I’m always there for others but I need someone there for me too… I’m tired of navigating this world alone and need guidance at times and need to be able to feed off of the same type of energy….Its exhausting making decisions all the time..
These articles are great, but I need personal one on one time for my own evolvement. It kind of bothers me that I can’t do it now but I will…when it comes to my own growth and me living a more abundant life, I don’t mind spending money on personal development because it’s an investment in myself and I know that I can help others, once I’m on track with my own life. I envision myself helping others, like when it comes to leading a healthy lifestyle, like I did when I was in my 20’s, but then these individuals didn’t want to invest in themselves anymore and no amount of time and encouragement could have helped. Its gets to a point that you want to get paid for your time. I know if others can do it. I can do it too!
I thought it was interesting how you said others come to you for a pick me up but you can’t get the same from them. I know what you mean. Although, I definitely have found more people to spend time with who do give me energy. There are still some who are more of a net negative than positive. I’m working on keeping other’s energy separate from mine. I just read this article in elephant journal http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/11/the-difference-between-two-kinds-of-empaths/. It made me think. You might get something from it too. It is hard to do everything on your own. I am here for future coaching if/when you want it. I find coaching works best when the person is ready to make real changes and take action steps. Perhaps you are still doing a lot of internal processing intuitive sensitive lade.:)
Hi Brenda,
I read the article and yes it did resonate to some point. Thank you! But not as much as you’re writings :).. Great article though.. yeah I’m always the one people come too but now that I turned off my phone, i’m not as accessible anymore, and I like it that way. People used to do this to my mom when she was alive, but she can never go to them. Being the strong one, backfires at times. I’ve found many articles on that topic. “When you are the strong one, no one gives you permission to hurt” Iyanla Vanzant….it’s true, people feel like, if you get great advice and you help people, then you can help yourself out too. They feel you don’t need them or they don’t want to be needed. Because then when you come them, it’s to much pressure for them to talk or give good advice. Its nice to have someone listen but also it would be great to get some sound advice and some clarity and not hear birds chirping.
When I used to talk to an ex friend of mine about loving herself and positive things, she was always quiet, she felt it was to much work and said I was to deep and she keeps people around her, to avoid her issues and working on herself. I’m not the only one who notices this. So as long as she can stay busy, she doesn’t have to address herself and life. She keeps looking for love from others and wonders why, she can’t get the love she wants, because it starts with her. I’ve done enough to try to help her lift her spirits but she continues to be in toxic relationships, with both men and women. So I left it alone.
My mom, she would just let the phone ring, because people were always calling her. Still to this day they miss her being there, but they never gave back or loved the way she did. They try to treat me like her but I put a stop to that. I’m the youngest, I should be able to go to the elders, (not that they can’t use a fresh young mind) but this has been happening since I was little. Adults are always coming to me. The same way I obtain knowledge and learn and research they can do the same thing, but they want to pick my brain. and have me do all the mental work, while they just listen and decide if they want to take it or not. Its the same with physical action.
A friend of mine wanted to be business partners but she didn’t want to do anything, she just wanted to be rich by default. As soon as I told her how much it would cost to get a trademark, a temporary patent etc. I haven’t heard anything else about this invention or business. She stayed at her job. I’m really not sure why some people just don’t want to show up for themselves and life. Whats up with all this laziness and wanting a free ride. All of this wanting and needing, but the work thats required they just don’t want to do it. How can one want a better life by sitting on their ass ???
People see how driven I am, and instead of complementing that, that want to come to me with MLM biz ops, just to try to get me to sign up so they can see some quick cash but then, no long term wealth. I just ignore that. To much talking and not enough doing. They settled into married life and followed that blue print for life they lay and realized, wait a minute, I want more than just this but then by that time, its to late. Theres no ‘I’ in team, but thats how they want to come at me, like we’re a team but they want me to do the work or get someone else to do it. Life is what you make it and I’m not making someone else’s life better by default, just because you know me.
I am clearly an introvert, but on the intuitive/sensing spectrum I seem to be in the middle. I am very practical when that is called for, and I very much value the input I get from my senses and my experience, but I also see patterns and think abstractly, and I have definitely followed my own path through life. So maybe that is why I neither feel lonely among the Sensing-dominated population nor frustrated with my more Intuitive friends.
However, one effect of the dominence of Sensing in society is that I have only recently begun to give full weight and value to my intuition. In the past, I have tended to override the information I got from my intuition if it seemed to contradict what people said or what I thought intellectually. In recent years, I have realized that often my intuition is wiser and more accurate. I often experience my intuition as a bodily sensation, so for me the term “sensing” is actually confusing. I sense many things, including my own intuitive insights.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
I agree, sensing is a confusing label. That’s interesting that you have become more mindful and accepting of your intuition in recent years. I think I have become more skilled at using my Sensing function. Carl Jung said we all become more whole and develop our less strong preferences as we age, especially around mid-life. Perhaps you are very well-developed.:) Thank you for reading and leaving a thoughtful comment Karen.
This is true, I’m always ‘sensing’ how I feel, I go off my intuition 99% of the time, then theres that 1% that opens to others but then the other 99% belongs to me and my intuition. I always tap into that. I trust that more than anything. The one time I went against it. I made a horrible soul tie connection with someone. When I pick up on stuff, my body responds to it and I get this gut feeling something is off or when something is right and feels right. I can be practical too but I always see the bigger picture. I always want to dive deep. Maybe because I’m a cancer, lol..