It’s summer. My days are chopped up and writing time is elusive. My children are home and my actions are more reactive than self-directed. I miss writing and self-direction.
My man has been traveling, entertaining and hosting his family. Our cozy routine of quality time and intimate intimacy has been deconstructed. I miss quality intimacy.
Kissing creativity goodbye
I am still in the process of transitioning from school year routines to summer chaos. The freestyle rhythm of June, July and August is both liberating and unnerving. One would think the openness of summer’s schedule would facilitate creativity but it stifles it. Like an errant morning-glory, I need a structure to cling to, a structure of my own design.
I don’t have large swaths of time to read, ponder and pontificate. Ideas begin to formulate but then my mind is called back to earth by the phone ringing or an impromptu request from one of my children to be driven somewhere. Interruptions disrupt joyful mental munching so often it’s tempting to just give up, but I don’t think I could do that if I wanted to. Daydreaming and leisurely innovating are natural inclinations that beg to be fulfilled.
I miss kissing
I miss being alone with my man. Both of us have been surrounded by family lately. That is a beautiful thing but not all that conducive to one on one intimacy, and I do not mean just physical intimacy. I mean holding hands, going for walks, sitting on the couch talking for hours, connecting. In summer there is a lot less lingering and a lot more movement and socializing. The meaningful closeness felt while lingering over a well prepared meal or while giggling during pillow talk has been put on the back burner.
I want to go with the flow
I feel anxious and at loose ends. I haven’t been sleeping well. I know why.
The flow state that fuels me is absent. I am without that deeply engaging state where I am present, focused and almost in a trance. During such moments time slips away and there is a feeling of true satisfaction. This space charges my batteries.
According to the scientist behind the revelation and research of flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Ph.D., a flow state includes ten core components but not all of the components have to be present at one time in order to reach the highly focused state. The core components as listed in Forbes magazine article, Flow States: Answers to the Three Most Common Questions About Optimal Performance, are:
Concentration: a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention.
A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness: the merging of action and awareness.
Distorted sense of time: one’s subjective experience of time is altered.
Direct and immediate feedback: successes and failures are apparent, so behavior can be adjusted as needed.
Balance between ability level and challenge: the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult.
A sense of personal control over the situation.
The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so action is effortlessness.
A lack of awareness of bodily needs.
Absorption: narrowing of awareness down to the activity itself.
Your work space is invaded, now what?
The acts of reading and writing put me in flow. I could do it all day and barely need to eat, but the kind of concentration needed to get into that mode is almost unheard of during my summer months. It is always stressful and frustrating at first because I forget how the loss of deep engagement time affects me. I forget how empty my energy tank gets and how edgy my nerves are when my work space is invaded and neglected.
But then I switch gears and put in place more active practices that also allow me to enter that heady flow state. I kickstart my fitness routines. I find the perfect challenge and focus while working my body. I take the kids to the lake for fishing or beach play. Water is a mighty soother and allows my thoughts to expand in its natural beauty and vastness. I get up early and work with increased discipline. It’s actually kind of lovely to experience the first sunlight in a silent house.
That’s life my dear
Meaningful connection with my partner is another realm of flow for me. The interactions, particularly conversations and physical affection, are intrinsically rewarding and completely absorb my attention.
My man is a doer and thrives on action. He rarely says no to requests from others, including me. He claims to be an introvert but, I am not so sure. Whenever I mention my frustration with being so busy we do not have quality kickback time, he says, That’s life my dear. He is much more accepting of it. I fight it internally, which I know is only detrimental.
I will say that my man’s flexible nature influences me in a good way. If he is at ease, and continues to stand by my side (and I by his), through all of the familial and social obligations, then I believe I can do it too. We are often working separately together but there is a point in the future when we will come together more intimately. For now, we may not get as many quiet, eye-gazing moments but we are taking on important and even fun activities that need our attention. It is deeply satisfying to know I have such a steadfast partner.
Self-direction and routine will return in the fall. In the meantime, I’ll get my zen moments in the early morning hours before the house is awake.
High quality intimacy exists in the summer. I know. Gatherings around a table under a shady tree provide the perfect atmosphere for meaningful conversations. Sitting on the boat with your special person as the sun sets, can be just as fulfilling as sitting on the couch next to a fireplace.
Flow states exist in the summer. They are simply by different means.
Is there a SAD (Seasonally Affected Disorder) for introverts in the summer as it is such an outward and outgoing season? As an introvert, how does summer affect you internally?
If this piece resonated or affected you in a meaningful way, I would truly appreciate it if you would share it with others who may benefit.
Thank you,
Brenda
I just love your site, Brenda. Thank you so much for what you share here. Summer is typically a really gnarly time for me as a single, childless introvert. As a non-parent, I lean pretty hard on my friend community of friends — my friends are my family. But summer is a time when my friends are more often focused on their families. So I give them space and let them do their thing. I also tend to experience an energetic slump in summer — the heat has an enervating effect. Seeing everyone return to school routines at the end of summer is oddly comforting.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I can see how summer would be difficult. Those of us with children are swamped with child actiivities and you’re right it is harder to get together with friends. Fall is my favorite season for so many reasons. A return to routine and solitude are definitely two of the biggest. Thank you for your kind words. I am so thrilled space2live resonates with you.
We only have 6 weeks break here in Australia and of those 6 weeks, I only take 3 weeks off work because it’s too overwhelming for me. Many think I’m crazy for chosing to work over holidaying and not wanting to spend more time with our extended family and friends. I feel as thought conversation sometimes can be very draining especially from very figetty children who always WANT something. I can only handle them in doses. My husband is much more patient and enjoys their company.
I forgot about intimacy in all honesty until I read your comment about eye gazing and sitting around talking for hours. Wow how much I desire that, thanks for the reminder about what I love most about love (what gives me energy). Just reading about it gave me goosebumps. THANKYOU
I like children but the extra fidgety, constantly talking ones are draining. I just endured a (mercifully) short flight with one overly pedantic parent talking non-stop to a very chatty 4 year old the whole flight. Behind me was a child who yelled random obvious statements the whole trip. I will say that there are children I thoroughly enjoy but they are the calmer and curious ones.
Intimacy is where it’s at. Nothing better than meaningful intimacy. May you find some soon.:)
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Brenda, as always, your website provides some information that validates that I am not the only one feeling this way. I do not love the summer or the heat, even though I was born in the middle of it (July). If I have to be outside, the only thing I love is going to the beach or sitting by the water editing my book, reading, and having a big glass of ice tea. I have always believed that I suffer from SAD in the Summer. I have friends who look at me and think I am a little nuts. I get re-energized in the Fall and Winter when everyone is dreading the chill. I talk long walks and get more done from September to March. I love Spring but not as much as Fall and Winter. Thank you for this post!
Hi Lilly,
I definitely agree with you on that one. I get a lot done when the weather is cool! I’m the type to run errands in the rain or snow, lol..I’m not a beach or a pool person. The hot weather and sweating make me so irritable. I really thought I was the only one who suffered from SAD. Its great to find others who are going through the same thing. When the weather is a bit chilly it makes it a lot better to take care things. I also find that I’m most creative during the fall too and the things I write about. As oppose to spring/summer when I write mostly about love.
Me too! Except for its summer weather until Thanksgiving here in Calornia. I hate the heat and feel like a sloth during the summer months. Good to know I’m not the only one that prefers the cool weather
Hi Brenda,
I do love the way you paint a picture! What you describe reminds me of Joseph Campbells admonition to “Follow Your Bliss.”
Best,
PsycheAwoken
I love that saying — Follow your bliss. 🙂 My friend also says, Follow your energy. I think that is very appropriate for introverts. 🙂
Hi Brenda,
I absolutely love your writing style. I always get a visual when I read your words. When the spring/summer hits..It takes a lot for me go out, especially on the weekends. I’m not a fan of the heat. I’d rather be inside, reading, writing, listening to music or feeding my spirit. I’m the type of person to go out in the snow or rain, because I know a lot of people will be inside. Thats when I do my best shopping. I know.. odd..when its hot outside and humid, everyone likes to go out. I get some sun, I’m not a complete hermit but I get very irritable in the heat. Nothing flows to me, when I’m over heated. I can’t think straight… its like, if I go long periods of time without water or food. When i’m hungry, that is the worst time to talk to me, I may hear you but I can not comprehend what you are saying, until I eat something…. The summer to me, is a time for cleansing and to really take it easy, the summer solstice is here too….I get to reflect. It would be nice if I had someone to spend time with, who wasn’t so clingy…someone I can cook for and shower them with love.
It’s funny you compared being overheated to being hungry. Just yesterday I missed dinner and didn’t eat until 10:00 at night. I was starting to shut down and tune out the others with me because I was hungry and that feeling was so stimulating I couldn’t do/talk too. I hope you get lots of reflection time. I know personally summer is not a time for me to get a lot of ‘me time’. My kids are home and life is crazy. I have someone to shower with love but it is hard with life being so jam-packed. I just try to hang on.;) I hope during your reflection time you find someone doing the same thing and you two find bliss being alone together. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your perspective. I definitely understand it.