Not my family but funny.;)
As an introvert who gets overwhelmed by too much activity and gabbing, it can be difficult to keep tabs on all of my loved ones. It’s not that I don’t want to, but my energy and patience fail me. It feels self-protective to let calls go to voicemail so I can finish work or get to bed earlier. I give myself breathing space by saying no to some invitations. I know in most cases those are healthy boundaries, but I still feel as if I’m doing something slightly wrong.
Are you my family?
Last weekend I experienced a huge dose of family togetherness. We were gathering to celebrate the lives of my mother, who passed away last summer, and her brother who passed away in February.
My sister, who’d cared for my mother in her final year, passed the organizing of this memorializing weekend on to me. It was my turn to take care of things (nothing compared to the care my sister and her husband provided for Mom). I had Facebook, email and text messages zinging back and forth between five cousins, my sister and myself. I couldn’t ignore them. I didn’t want to. I was connecting with mystery people who shared the same blood and lineage.
When you see the face, oh my God.;)
My kids and I drove from Minneapolis to Lansing, Michigan to meet with everyone.
As we slowly arrived at the designated arch in Brookside Cemetery, it was a tad awkward, everyone peering into cars to see if the inhabitants looked like family members, like ourselves. Once out of our cars, we introduced ourselves over family headstones and worked to etch each other’s faces and voices in our memories.
I visited with first cousins I barely knew. Apparently, arm’s-length relationships run in my family, because none of my cousins knew each other that well. One pair of siblings barely kept in contact and a couple of cousins had strained relationships with their parents.
Over the weekend we shared meals, stories, photos and tears as we all did our best to create closeness and connection with people who had been strangers the majority of our lives.
Elders
My mother was the baby of her family. She was at least sixteen years younger than her oldest sibling, therefore my cousins had fifteen to twenty years on my sister and me. It felt like I was surrounded by wise elders. My cousins are active vibrant people, by no means old or slowing down. They are artists, master skiers, hockey players, advertising execs, business owners and exquisite homemakers. Introverts and extroverts, but mostly extroverts. These are people I can learn from. They are just enough ahead of me to have insight and wisdom I haven’t uncovered yet. They’re fascinating and fun too.
They filled in a lot of the gaps regarding our family history. I especially enjoyed learning about my Uncle Tom, whom I’d never met. He did at least three tours in Vietnam as a Green Beret. He could live in the wild for months at a time. He was a survivalist. My cousin, Eric, teared up talking about Tom. They’d had a special bond as uncle and nephew. Eric said Tom was full of life and so much fun. He died of a heart attack at 60.
There’s one in every family. My family has ten.
My grandparents had owned a hardware store in my mom’s hometown. My cousins described it as a small department store. Their eyes sparkled as they talked about visiting the toy section on the upper floor. Sigh… I wish I could have seen that.
I watched as two of my cousins (brother and sister) stood apart from each other at the graveside ceremony for their father’s ashes. I felt lonely for both. They each shed tears with no support from the other.
The cocoon of family
I was truly sad to leave the temporary cocoon of this lovely family gathering. I think the time together was fulfilling and healing for all of us.
As I left, I vowed to up my level of responsiveness and connection with the dear ones in my world. That includes my readers and clients. I’ve made more of an effort lately. It’s been easier to do because I’m not in an intimate relationship now. My cousin even made a post-weekend comment that it’s easier to be close to your children when you are not trying to keep a spouse happy. Hmmm. That really made me pause. I think I’ll idealistically keep looking for the kind of partner who expands my energy and encourages close hugs and consistent connecting with loved ones.
Do you feel like you are responsive and there for your people? How do you manage it energetically? Could you improve?
**It’s summer and writing time is squeezed between hanging out with my kids, road trips and star-gazing. My work schedule becomes unstructured and casual. I like it, most of the time. I hope you accept my shorter and possibly fewer posts over the next two months.
Oh, I can improve. Thanks for the kick.
Lovely post Brenda, and I’m glad you got some cocoon time!
It is very difficult, in my experience, to blend a new person in with existing familial entanglements. Particularly if you are the eldest and in charge of trying to juggle all of the needs of others, which is my case.
This previous week, when I was under immense pressure, both emotional and physical due to my daughter’s hospitalization and my care of her newborn, I experienced for the first time a person’s understanding that I have a bottom to my energy. He did not demand it, or pout, or do anything other than to tell me I was amazing and that he had full confidence in my abilities to handle these things and that I had his support. I even slept 11 hours after all of the babies departed and missed a nightly call (he’s out of town). No blow up, no nothing except “I’m so glad you got some rest.”
I was floored. And very grateful. Can it be true, that there are these people out there? I’m still pinching myself, actually 😀
We shall see how it continues on…
So good to see you taking care of you!
~SE
Sheket, I was going to write a reply to Brenda’s email, then read yours — and you touch on such an important point: being with someone who wants you to be there with family (or whoever it happens to be), and doesn’t, as you put it, pout, or demand. Instead, he simply gives you support and encouragement and those, kind, uplifting, positive words.
It’s odd how, in a relationship, one person may indeed pout, when attention is drawn away from that person. I have always found that rather astonishing, that people would begrudge time and emotion that we invest in our family and friends.
Expectations are a very funny thing, and ruin a good many relationships.
the only expectation I have of people is to do what they want and need to do. Whatever that path is, go on that path. If we travel it together, that is wonderful. If we don’t, I support him or her fully. Sometimes we go on different paths, and come back together at different points. Sometimes we don’t.
above all, I support people being there for their families and friends. rather than see it as a threat to the relationship, I see it as a beautiful thing that we have these others to love and support and show kindness to. Whatever that takes, it’s a loving thing to encourage and support each other when those times come.
I am delighted that you have found that man in your life! That really is wonderful and amazing!
Yay S!! Your story gives me hope. I hope to find such a mature and thoughtful partner. We all deserve that kind of respect, especially when we’re going through highly difficult times. You ARE amazing! I’m glad someone recognizes it and I’m glad you were able to be there for your family. I’m also hoping you get plenty of time to recover.:)