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THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Indepthwoman
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live
Sherrie
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Sharon
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB

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Love After Divorce : Knowing When to Commit Again

woman photographing castle

Photo credit Sylvia Bartyzel via Unsplash

I have been on my own since January of 2012. In those six plus years, I’ve experienced so much. I’ve dated, loved, dumped and been dumped. The whole time learning how to find a secure partner and how to be a good partner. The whole time experiencing in the moment and then experiencing again as I wrote about the trials and triumphs.

It honestly took me five of those six years to even have some assemblage of what it takes to love someone so they feel secure and cared for. I’m still working on strengthening that skill. I suspect I will be working on it for the rest of my life, but I’m OK with that. It’s become a favorite pastime.;)

New developments

Last Friday night, my boyfriend Mark, asked me to marry him.

I said yes!

Mark and I

I’ve never felt more loved. I’ve never felt more loving. I have a friend and lover to share the rest of my life with. Pure happiness! We are both willing to take on the challenges of a second marriage and take note of the joys along the way.

Is this what mature love feels like? I believe so.

Why this one is different

Mark and I have similar backgrounds and lifestyles. Both born and raised in the midwest into families with similar socioeconomic levels. We are both tall blue-eyed blondes with teenaged or early twenties aged children. We live about 30 miles from each other in small towns but like the liveliness and opportunities of big cities. We both make two or three trips to Target and the local grocery store per week.

But most importantly, we value the same things. We both have a keen desire to be good to people and to look for others who value collaboration over competition. We see purposeful work, fun and relaxation as keys to contentment. We value connection with others.

I’ve had previous partners who valued achievement first and foremost. There is nothing wrong with that, but it did not align with my ideals. I did not realize how much inner friction that caused until a few years ago. When I was with them, I was not true to myself. I tried to impress them and keep up my productivity, but because I did not value that work it only drained me. The relationship did not flourish because I did not have enough energy to love and support my mate. I sought relief and fulfillment through other work and relationships.

Emotional security

From the beginning, Mark has made me feel especially secure and reassured. He’s been consistently attentive and sweet. My ex-husband and other long-term partners were reliable with their acts of service and physical presence but something was missing. I think it was warmth.

My nervous system relaxes with Mark. I don’t have to be smart, productive, quick or busy all the time. I can just be me.

I feel loved for doing what comes naturally to me. I love him for his kindness, thoughtfulness, intelligence and sense of humor. I think those are natural for him too.

He also has a way of touching me that soothes all my worries. When he holds my hand, I am instantly calmed. His physical closeness and touch fuel me.

Because he has a more gentle, kind nature, I feel safe. There is emotional security that feels so delicious.

Energy

Our energy levels are about the same. We like to socialize with close friends and family but we also like to get to bed at a decent time most nights. We get energy from socializing but enjoy nights when it is just the two of us as well. He understands my need for alone time and is getting a deeper sense of his own need for occasional solitude.

A client once said it is important to be on the same home frequency as your significant other. I believe the home frequency includes energy levels and lifestyle preferences like warm or cool room temperature, fast-paced or slow-paced living, people focused or activity focused, etc. We are working on meshing our sleep habits, but overall we are on the same frequency.

There’s a heap of physical attraction and passion in our relationship too. I truly believe we have synergy and bring out the best in each other.

Our eyes are open

We are not perfect. We have moved out of the honeymoon phase. We have our differences but they are not insurmountable and could even be beneficial. We have a normal flow of deep connection mixed with slight disconnection but overall there is a closeness and caring that does not let us drift too far apart.

bride and groom walking on road

Photo via Pixabay

We know things get real when everyone is under one roof. We will get married next year and anticipate some dustups when we share the same address with our five children.

We have enough experience and maturity to expect the ups and downs of long-term love within a blended family. We think we have the grit and love to go the distance.

The important things take time and effort

It took me 48 years to find Mark, four of those post-divorce. I’ve gained a lot of self-knowledge and relationship awareness along the way. I had to love and lose as well as do deep soul searching. I believe I’m ready to be the loving partner he deserves.

Are you with someone who has similar values? A similar background? Do you feel emotionally secure? 

If you are post-divorce or breakup and would like help finding a healthy, happy and secure relationship, please contact me for relationship coaching. 

 

If you have read The Quiet Rise of Introverts I would be so grateful if you could write a brief, one or two sentence review on Amazon. Thank you!

 

**P.S. There will most likely not be a post next week. I’ll be on spring break with my family!** 🙂

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9 Comments

  1. aliessep March 31, 2018 at 6:15 am - Reply

    This is so very exciting! I’ve been reading your blog for months now – years? As a 46-year old INFJ divorced (well, practically & emotionally speaking, but still waiting for the paperwork to be all finished…) woman, I’ve been particularly interested in following your love life, of course! I’m very happy for you and wish you the best on this new adventure. It takes courage and faith to get married again, but you seem to have found the perfect partner for you. Félicitations from France, Brenda !

    • Brenda Knowles March 31, 2018 at 11:28 pm - Reply

      Thank you! It took me a while to find him, but he gave me faith in marriage again. It’s been a journey for sure 😉 but I’m so happy to have found Mark. Wishing you all the best as you go through your process and transformation. 🙂

  2. Tracy Skellern March 31, 2018 at 6:09 am - Reply

    Congratulations!! Wonderful news

  3. Indepthwoman March 30, 2018 at 10:47 pm - Reply

    Brenda, Oh my goodness!!!!! Congratulations!!!! I’m so happy for you!!!!

    • Brenda Knowles March 31, 2018 at 11:25 pm - Reply

      Thank you dear lady! There are good ones out there.:)

      • Indepthwoman April 1, 2018 at 12:15 am - Reply

        Yes, they are . Me next…one day…. if someone can love this free spirited woman

  4. Ronique March 30, 2018 at 7:25 pm - Reply

    So happy for you, Brenda! Though I’m at a different stage in my life (25 y.o), I can tell our spirits and energy are alike. That gives me hope that one day I’ll find a similarly warm love.

    I really connected to this: “ I tried to impress them and keep up my productivity, but because I did not value that work it only drained me.” Moving forward, I just want to be in a relationship where I feel I can thoroughly relax.

    Wishing you the best!

  5. Marina March 30, 2018 at 3:56 pm - Reply

    Thank you for giving us hope.

    • Brenda Knowles March 31, 2018 at 11:24 pm - Reply

      My pleasure.:)

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