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BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
Gary
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Indepthwoman
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Sharon
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.

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Holidays Highlight Loneliness and Happiness: Using This Time to Take Inventory

cars driving on road fall leaves

Photo by Val Vesa via Unsplash

It’s Tuesday morning and I’m working through my to do list to get prepared for Thanksgiving. I’m hosting this year. My sister and her family will be here along with my man M and his two sons. M and I both feel excited about this holiday season. We both have had years when we were not.

The holidays are a pause in the everyday routines. This pause brings time to reflect on how things are going and how we feel.  The pause could bring feelings of thankfulness and joy or feelings of sadness and loneliness. The natural inclination to take stock, makes the holidays a vulnerable time but possibly a helpful time.

Are you fortunate or unfortunate this holiday season?

During the holiday season, television ads and the mall make happy families and extra cash seem ubiquitous. It’s like Facebook amplified. On the opposite end, The Salvation Army and other charities become more prominent at this time of year too. It is their prime season to boost exposure and attract funds to aid the populations they serve. Everywhere we go we are reminded of the fortunate and less fortunate. No wonder the holidays trigger contemplation of one’s lot in life.

Finding yourself alone

During the hustle and bustle of holiday gatherings and celebrations, we could get lost in the crowds and let our minds fill with distractions. This could help us temporarily feel less alone. But most of the time, if we are feeling alone or down, we can’t outrun or distract ourselves enough to avoid the ache. At some point, we have to stop shopping, eating and drinking and feel.

Photo by Brooke Cagle via Unsplash

Even if we have family around us, it is still possible to feel alone, unloved or unsupported. I know.

Introverts don’t even wish for this type of aloneness.

I’ve noticed an uptick in the number of coaching requests around the holidays. It seems many of those who find themselves on the lonely or sad end of the reflection spectrum, decide to take action and ask for guidance. In this way, the season of celebrations does a service by providing an opportunity to notice unhappiness and make adjustments.

It’s not the end of the world; it’s a signal to change your world

Speaking from experience, I know when we feel emotionally drained, it is darn hard to climb out of the hole, help yourself or ask for help. I also know, if we don’t, we stay stuck.

So, putting my coaching hat on, I urge those of you who feel lost this year to not see your situation as hopeless but to see it as a signal to make a change and take action. I recommend a small step toward a lighter existence. You do not have to have a fully designed plan to fix every aspect of your life. Just the next step, that moves you in a positive way. Perhaps calling a friend, cleaning your bedroom/office/kitchen, contacting a coach, starting a new positive habit (15 squats every day, 5 minutes of meditation, going to bed 15 minutes earlier…). After that, take another small step. The key is to not stop. It is effortful, but it is also worth it.

In other words, if you feel empty this year during the holidays, you have permission to care for yourself and make changes. Perhaps you feel unfortunate this year, which means it is OK to receive from others. Stop beating yourself up about not giving/having/being enough and let yourself receive. Ask for help. See the kindness of others. Take time to become aware of your emotions and inner world. Do what you need so you can be full enough to give next year.

If you happen to be in a good place this year…

If you feel fortunate this year, share your peace, gifts and success. Bring light and gratitude to others. Let’s be honest, it is easier to be grateful when we feel at ease and happy. Our nervous system quiets and we can see all we have. We don’t feel threatened, alone or like we are fighting for survival. We feel full and have more to give. If this is your state now, see it as your year to spread the wealth.

I am grateful to be in this position this year. Having been in the lonely and down position in the past, I can feel for those having a hard time now. I am excited to give.

I’ll share next week how I got to this wonderful place of equanimity.

Those of you celebrating Thanksgiving, enjoy the festivities! See all the goodness around you.:)

How are you feeling about yourself this holiday season? How are you feeling about your relationships? Are you ready to give or ready to change? 

 

If you feel alone or ready for a change, contact me for guidance on taking steps toward more fulfilling ways of living and relating. Click on the link in this sentence (dark black font) or click on the coaching tab at the top of the page.

 

The Quiet Rise of Introverts is out! Perhaps it would make a nice gift for the introvert in your life. Perhaps you want to make changes in your life toward better relationships and self-compassion. The Quiet Rise is for you.

Click on the image below to purchase. 

Quiet Rise retailers

 

If you have already bought my book, thank you!!! 

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One Comment

  1. michaelrbuley November 24, 2017 at 9:21 pm - Reply

    See all the goodness around you … Those are wise words, Brenda. Thank you for a soft, loving, gentle, supportive note.

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