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Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Indepthwoman
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
D.R.
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan

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Feeling Overwhelmed or Disappointed by the Holidays? How to Handle Your Insecure Attachment This Time of Year

woman sad holidays

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I dream of fun family gatherings, the magic of Christmas morning, twinkly lights, creating fond memories, feelings of love and appreciation… All of that seems entirely possible as fall winds down and Thanksgiving approaches. 

Feeling used

Then I put a lot of effort into a full-out traditional Thanksgiving meal and end up feeling kind of used. Dr. Jonice Webb writes about this in her article 9 Ways Childhood Emotional Neglect Makes Your Holidays More Difficult. She says, “When your parents failed to notice your feelings and emotional needs in your childhood, they give you the message that your feelings and needs are unimportant. This plays out powerfully during the holidays when you are prone to be too worried about making other people happy, and not paying enough attention to yourself.”

Staying on the outside of the experience

It is easy to get lost in the trappings of the holidays. All the images about the holidays are bright, cheery and warm — like a family and holiday should be, right? We can go through all the card creating, gift buying, gift wrapping, food preparation and holiday entertaining and not really get to experience the cheer and warmth ourselves. We stay on the surface of it all, where all the work and very little of the warm feelings live.

As kids or partners in insecure relationships, we learn that our experience and emotions are not priorities. Perhaps our parents were preoccupied with making ends meet. Maybe we had/have a sick sibling or special needs relative. It’s possible our parents are immature or insecure themselves and never learned how to access their own emotions, let alone foster someone else’s. Maybe our last partner let us know daily they did not respect our opinion. Whatever the reason, we learn to downgrade the importance of our feelings. We focus on tasks or other people’s feelings. 

Disappointed

It feels comfortable to give everything we have so others feel happiness. That is the pattern we have followed for years. It’s familiar and therefore attractive.

We think if we buy enough presents, create memorable meals and shine warmth and love on others, we’ll be rewarded or at least appreciated for our efforts, but quite often our family members don’t have the bandwidth to reciprocate the warmth and attunement. We end up disappointed.

I sound like I’m campaigning for martyrdom. I do believe a good amount of parenting is catering to the young ones. But I also believe a good amount of maturity is learning to reciprocate when someone gives you their time, attention and hot fudge fondue on Christmas Eve. 

I thought I’d feel more connected 

Many families look normal and healthy on the outside. We can look like we’re emotionally connected, but that empty feeling in our chest tells us something different. The excitement of the potential to connect with family members during the holiday break, sadly often leads to disappointment when no emotional connections occur.

Insecure attachment primed for rollercoaster

Insecurely attached people are especially primed for this kind of rollercoaster. We look for threats on the horizon. Our nervous systems pick up novelty and stimulation (conflict is very stimulating) at a masters level. We avoid all of these to keep our systems calm. We people please to keep the peace, but often lose peace within ourselves.

We caretake because that is what got us attention as children. We were little adults who took care of themselves and others. We carry on this pattern today.

How to break the pattern

I hereby give you permission to break this pattern.

Make yourself a priority before your health deteriorates from stress and fatigue. Slow down on the holiday buying and preparing. Keep rest space between tasks and activities. I know how hard it is to pull back. Your family probably won’t like it, but they will like your new happier, more energized demeanor. No more crying in the egg nog.;)

Ask for help. Don’t beat around the bush. I am a world-class bush beater. I continue to work on my requests for assistance. Not too mumbly. Not too bitchy or naggy. Just right, so they’ll help without getting defensive. 

Don’t give yourself away with the Amazon gift cards and holiday newsletter. Stay present and away from old patterns of subconscious people pleasing.

I hope all of you celebrate the season without getting too wrapped up in the trappings. Let yourself feel the experience of it. Get away from the cold surface tasks and into the warmth of the season’s beauty and joy. May you get through a holiday gathering and still feel uplifted. 

Do you get excited and then deflated around the holidays? How do you remedy this? 

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Exciting news! I’m working on an online course about connection. It’s tentatively titled: The Secrets to Creating Connection with Ourselves and Our Partners. I intend to release it in January. Stay tuned for more details. You will be the first to know! 

For now, pick up a copy of my book The Quiet Rise of Introverts. It makes a special holiday gift. 🙂 Click the image below to purchase. Thank you!!

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3 Comments

  1. Anne-Liesse PERSEHAYE January 12, 2019 at 9:31 am - Reply

    Thanks for a great post, Brenda!

    I’m not sure disappointment is the feeling I have most during the holidays. I think frustration is – but I’m working on it! After loosing a baby right before the Christmas period 14 years ago and going through a separation 5 years ago I’ve slowly moved towards respecting my needs more during the holidays, all the while trying to please my two kids (who are 7 & 11). Those are my priorities – not everyone or anything else.

    For example, I’ve tried for several years to have my family cut down the number of gifts we exchange – it seemed outrageous and obscene how much there was. I’ve made arguments for it, explained where I was coming from (quality over quantity, time over things), offered several options (using a lucky draw for instance), but was never heard. This year, I decided I would hear myself!!… and stuck to my no-gift policy. In exchange (because I have to admit part of me felt guilty not abiding to the traditional social rules) I offered to have my family over for Christmas lunch. I had just moved into a new place and was keen on having everyone over and recreating the ritual we used to have at our parents’s (my mum turned 80 and said she’s had enough of organizing those big meals).

    Things worked out pretty well – save the family drama before we even had our appetizers… and my exhaustion after caring for so much on my own on D-day (despite the fact I asked everyone to bring something to partake). I did give little “cadeaux de table” (gifts everyone found on their plate before starting lunch) – I chose accessible (both on a financial level for me and on a content level for the reader) workbooks on self-development themes I found helpful for each guest (my brother received the non-violent communication one…) that everyone seemed to appreciate. The meal was yummy and everyone seemed to enjoy it. My kids surely did.

    Being a HS introvert, it was hard for me to actually enjoy lunch while being so busy serving everyone, but I’m happy I did it anyway. And guess what? I’ve already decided I’m NOT going to be the one maintaining the lunch ritual next year. I don’t care who it’ll be. I just want to feel free to do it… or not. Just like I want to pass on offering gifts if it’s too stressful a prospect for me. Holidays on my terms (as much as possible) – that’s how I manage to avoid being too frustrated or disappointed.

    Happy New Year 2019! Let us dare to listen to our feelings and needs this year!

    Love from Lyon, France.

    • Brenda Knowles January 17, 2019 at 10:18 am - Reply

      Dear Anne-Liesse, I like how you are mindful of your energy and needs. You are good at putting your beliefs into action. I’m working on simplifying my contribution to the holiday festivities and asking for help where needed. I still believe it is necessary to take other’s feelings into consideration. For example, I think it’s really important to my children that we keep up certain traditions such as sharing appetizers together on Christmas Eve and hunting for the pickle ornament first thing Christmas morning. I also don’t want to push my personal ideals and agenda on everyone else. If my relatives love to give my kids presents, I let them. We all have to do what feels right for us and our families. Kudos to you for working through this to make it manageable and enjoyable.

  2. Kat December 14, 2018 at 4:58 pm - Reply

    I miss visiting you Brenda! That’s one!

    Two: Great advice! I agree with everything you said!

    My wonderful father in law, used this line twice, not once, during two separate family dinners this past summer ‘:) ..:)…you! Do you know who you remind me off in the bible?! Jezebel’! I had noooo idea who she was! He’s a Christian scholar! Then?! One day, I found out who she really was by accident! It crushed me! I thought my fatter in law actually liked and respected me!

    To make the story short, I have not spoken to my in-laws since June! However, being the good person I am! I will go out of my way, to keep the peace and the usual tradition, by going out with them to dinner on Christmas Eve! I will do it to keep my spouse and grown son happy! That’s the only reason.

    Thank you for a great post as always Brenda!

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