Have you ever felt taken for granted by a partner? Perhaps, it seemed like they only noticed you if you did something for them, or worse, they didn’t notice you at all even when you fulfilled all of your duties.
I’ve been there and I definitely did not like the feeling of being used. It felt like I was not seen, cherished or known for my real self.
Feeling seen
One of my favorite relationship gurus, Bruce Muzik of loveatfirstfight.com, has a beautiful and effective process for making another person feel seen and loved. It has three steps:
1. Think of something specific you appreciate about the other person
2. Link it to a positive personal trait of theirs.
3. Share with them what you came up with in numbers one and two.
Here are a couple of examples:
Sweetheart, I love the way you cover all the details and confirm all of our reservations when we plan a vacation. You are excellent at finding fun and affordable trips for us. I really appreciate how you include me in the decision-making process too. You are incredibly organized, creative and thoughtful. Thank you.
Honey, I am always amazed at the meals you put together. I know you are busy but you still manage to create meals that give us a reason to gather at the table. I really appreciate your efforts and your flair for cooking. You are so caring, hard-working and creative. Thank you.
The bottom line is this process makes someone feel appreciated. Appreciation is the glue of connection.
Feeling respected
When we feel overlooked, it is easy to feel disrespected as well. We feel if our partner respected us they would acknowledge us more. One way to make our partner or friend or child feel respected is to ask for their opinion. Everyone likes to be asked how they feel about something or what they think about the matter. Asking someone’s opinion essentially says, ” I care about what you think and your views matter.”
One word of caution, only ask for someone’s opinion or feedback when you are resourced enough to receive it. If, for example, you are in the budding stage of developing a new online project, it might be wise to wait and ask your critical-eyed (but helpful) partner for their opinion when you have the main details worked out. Otherwise, they may kill your enthusiasm and creativity.
Feeling seen, respected and appreciated goes a long way toward building safety and intimacy within a relationship. We feel secure enough to lower our walls and sensitivity. We don’t have to protect ourselves when we feel loved for whom we are.
My experience is when we show appreciation and respect toward someone, they tend to do the same in return.
Who could you show appreciation toward tonight? Don’t forget to link it to a trait of theirs. That is key. How do you feel when someone asks your opinion?
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A question arises… Generally, when you open up to a person, cherish them, respect them and show them you appreciate them for who they are… usually they start feeling seen and safe to open up too. Well, what can be done when no matter what you do to make that person feeling safe, seen, understood and loved for who they are, they still keep their walls up and treat you as “expandable”? When they keep their thoughts and feelings for themselves and you never know what you mean to them or, even worse, if you even mean anything special to them…
Oh Beatrice. Sounds like you are having a sad experience. If you have been consistent with your love, care and responsiveness and received no reciprocation, your life might be brighter if you move on. We all need connection and a feeling of safety to thrive. You deserve to thrive. Best wishes friend.
Brenda, I don’t get item #2. It seems 1 and 3 are what it’s all about: what is it you appreciate about someone? Now go and tell that person! lol …
Funny that books have to be written about it. About saying kind things to the one you love. To anyone you care for. Even people you don’t care for!
We shouldn’t have to read a book, and find a ‘formula’ for keeping our friendships / relationships alive.
Here’s what you should do: okay, what do you like about her?
Hmmm … let me think … well, I love the way she laughs when she’s happy.
Good. Okay, now go tell her that.
What? TELL her that? Why?
lol …
You have a cute a** … lol …
Your hair looks awesome today.
I love the way your mind always is curious and searching for more.
I love the way you are gentle with the kids.
I love how tender you are with our dogs.
You really make awesome meals every time.
I love how you play with the kids and take time to do that.
I love your body.
I love your mind.
I love how generous you are.
…… and on and on.
Funny that this should be hard. Funny that it should be ‘a concept’ at all. It’s what friendships are built on. They’re not built on criticizing the one you’re with.
And funniest of all … it’s just a few words, isn’t it? That take, what, 30 seconds? But how often do we take those 30 seconds to speak what we feel about someone? I mean what we feel that is positive, of course. it seems much easier for most, to take 30 seconds, or much longer, to say what they do NOT like in someone.
For the sake of words spoken that would’ve been better withheld … for the sake of a words not spoken that could’ve been … I swear most friendships, and likely most marriages, fall by the wayside.
We are so stingy with our words. Rather than lavish praise on someone, we will stay silent. We might spend 30 minutes, an hour, hours, or longer, ‘doing things’ for this person that we love. But to take 30 seconds and SAY something kind? no ……
One of my favorite quotes is ‘When you see something beautiful in someone, speak it.’ But I’ll be damned if that’s not one of the rarest treasures in all the world: someone who sees you, and speaks to you, your beauty that he or she sees.
Let us be the ones who speak the beauty we see ….. 🙂
Right on! If we see it and feel it, we should say it. Compliments and kind words are free and they can make such a difference to someone. I know this post was rather formulaic, but it seems people love to have things spelled out to the letter. It saves them work, I guess. You’re right it should be simple. I do try to spread around some light every day, but some days it’s easier to gripe. Not better, but is easier. Our lizard brains like to remember and repeat what scares us or makes us feel threatened, but it’s the love that helps us thrive. Thanks for response Michael. Always appreciated.