Love After Divorce : Knowing When to Commit Again

Photo credit Sylvia Bartyzel via Unsplash

I have been on my own since January of 2012. In those six plus years, I’ve experienced so much. I’ve dated, loved, dumped and been dumped. The whole time learning how to find a secure partner and how to be a good partner. The whole time experiencing in the moment and then experiencing again as I wrote about the trials and triumphs.

It honestly took me five of those six years to even have some assemblage of what it takes to love someone so they feel secure and cared for. I’m still working on strengthening that skill. I suspect I will be working on it for the rest of my life, but I’m OK with that. It’s become a favorite pastime.;)

New developments

Last Friday night, my boyfriend Mark, asked me to marry him.

I said yes!

Mark and I

I’ve never felt more loved. I’ve never felt more loving. I have a friend and lover to share the rest of my life with. Pure happiness! We are both willing to take on the challenges of a second marriage and take note of the joys along the way.

Is this what mature love feels like? I believe so.

Why this one is different

Mark and I have similar backgrounds and lifestyles. Both born and raised in the midwest into families with similar socioeconomic levels. We are both tall blue-eyed blondes with teenaged or early twenties aged children. We live about 30 miles from each other in small towns but like the liveliness and opportunities of big cities. We both make two or three trips to Target and the local grocery store per week.

But most importantly, we value the same things. We both have a keen desire to be good to people and to look for others who value collaboration over competition. We see purposeful work, fun and relaxation as keys to contentment. We value connection with others.

I’ve had previous partners who valued achievement first and foremost. There is nothing wrong with that, but it did not align with my ideals. I did not realize how much inner friction that caused until a few years ago. When I was with them, I was not true to myself. I tried to impress them and keep up my productivity, but because I did not value that work it only drained me. The relationship did not flourish because I did not have enough energy to love and support my mate. I sought relief and fulfillment through other work and relationships.

Emotional security

From the beginning, Mark has made me feel especially secure and reassured. He’s been consistently attentive and sweet. My ex-husband and other long-term partners were reliable with their acts of service and physical presence but something was missing. I think it was warmth.

My nervous system relaxes with Mark. I don’t have to be smart, productive, quick or busy all the time. I can just be me.

I feel loved for doing what comes naturally to me. I love him for his kindness, thoughtfulness, intelligence and sense of humor. I think those are natural for him too.

He also has a way of touching me that soothes all my worries. When he holds my hand, I am instantly calmed. His physical closeness and touch fuel me.

Because he has a more gentle, kind nature, I feel safe. There is emotional security that feels so delicious.

Energy

Our energy levels are about the same. We like to socialize with close friends and family but we also like to get to bed at a decent time most nights. We get energy from socializing but enjoy nights when it is just the two of us as well. He understands my need for alone time and is getting a deeper sense of his own need for occasional solitude.

A client once said it is important to be on the same home frequency as your significant other. I believe the home frequency includes energy levels and lifestyle preferences like warm or cool room temperature, fast-paced or slow-paced living, people focused or activity focused, etc. We are working on meshing our sleep habits, but overall we are on the same frequency.

There’s a heap of physical attraction and passion in our relationship too. I truly believe we have synergy and bring out the best in each other.

Our eyes are open

We are not perfect. We have moved out of the honeymoon phase. We have our differences but they are not insurmountable and could even be beneficial. We have a normal flow of deep connection mixed with slight disconnection but overall there is a closeness and caring that does not let us drift too far apart.

Photo via Pixabay

We know things get real when everyone is under one roof. We will get married next year and anticipate some dustups when we share the same address with our five children.

We have enough experience and maturity to expect the ups and downs of long-term love within a blended family. We think we have the grit and love to go the distance.

The important things take time and effort

It took me 48 years to find Mark, four of those post-divorce. I’ve gained a lot of self-knowledge and relationship awareness along the way. I had to love and lose as well as do deep soul searching. I believe I’m ready to be the loving partner he deserves.

Are you with someone who has similar values? A similar background? Do you feel emotionally secure? 

If you are post-divorce or breakup and would like help finding a healthy, happy and secure relationship, please contact me for relationship coaching. 

If you have read The Quiet Rise of Introverts I would be so grateful if you could write a brief, one or two sentence review on Amazon. Thank you!

**P.S. There will most likely not be a post next week. I’ll be on spring break with my family!** 🙂

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