Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me But Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much)

Please email me or contact me via text. I need advice and help desperately please. Hill.stephanie@outlook.com 5098631973

I have a few questions as I am dating an introvert and have been for a year. Do you have an email address?

I love reading all of your blogs on introversion. It has really opened my eyes. I am dating an introvert and have always allowed for her space and given her time away. At first I wondered, but she in no uncertain terms said please don’t ask if I’m ok. I am, I just have different needs.
Fast forward, everything is going great after 8 months. Then she receives some terrible news about one of her parents. My SO were very close for a day or two after the news. To add to the issue her pet has been very sick. We talked on the phone everyday prior to last week and now we hardly talk at all. No phone calls, very superficial texts and in general very impersonal. I worry about her and she has cut me off for the most part. It has gone as far as her texting love u 2 instead of I love you too. I know I am being a little needy, but I can’t help but think that our relationship may be stressing her as well. She has not said a word that it is, so I am assuming it is not. I know she wants her alone time. But she is not getting it from family and friends. I suppose she knows I understand, but I can’t help but feeling her distance herself from me. She has told me in the past she will push me away. Thats how she has broken up woth others, hates confrontation. I want to help, but don’t know how. At this point I’m not sure if I continue to give her space or if I should recognize that she is pushing me away. It’s been over a week and a half since I’ve seen her or since we’ve had a meaningful discussion. She does text everyday and she does say love u 2. But it just doesn’t feel the same.
Any advice on what to do for this beautiful soul, I would appreciate it.

Sein Haendedruck sagt ihrer Hand: “Jetzt bin ich da, nur muede.
Lass mich ganz bei dir sein, als waere ich allein.”
Ihr Mund sagt seinem Nacken: “Ja. Ich weiss, was war und ist.
Ich bin auch dann bei dir, wenn du alleine bist.”

The pressing of his hand tells hers, “Now I am here, just tired.
Let me be with you completely, as if I was alone.”
Her mouth tells his neck, “Yes. I know what was and is.
You are with me even when you are alone.”

Unerhoerte Naehe – Outrageous closeness
by Ulla Hahn, translation by me;)

“We must be able to relax and recharge with you,” you state in the blog post. The poem above captures this thought very well, I think. Finding this is so very rare.

Would it be alright to summarize my story and get some advice and feedback? My present relationship and probably last-ditch effort to actually respond to someone who loves me and to not grow old alone are at stake. The aspects that are unique about my story are that my introversion may be based on my nature but was definitely intensified by nurture or lack thereof. In addition, I have some anger in me toward my partner that makes this work harder.

My mom had phobias and believed people (from neighbors to random strangers) were trying to poison us by planting toxins in the environment in various ways. In my childhood, I started as a child who was not allowed to eat at birthday parties, go on field trips, or participate in phy ed, etc. and instead had to pretend to be sick. I proceeded to being a teenager who, based on my mom’s pressure, quit school, stayed home or walked through the neighborhood in protective clothing, spoke a coded language with my mother, stopped washing myself (as the water was supposedly tampered with), and stole merchandise to have clothes and also to compensate. In my family, people did not touch each other because my mother thought everyone was contaminated, and we had no meals together but each ate our own, clinically prepared food in our room. My biggest goal was to remain sane, and my biggest hope was that social services would find me.

Fast forward, I did stay sane, but I believe in addition to being an introvert, I now have attachment issues and a hate relationship with intimacy. In fact, I was diagnosed with PTSD based on emotional neglect, which I did not even know was a category. In my twenties, I literally slept around for a while and eventually entered a partnership and a marriage, each of which dissolved similarly. While the respective men had their own baggage, mine was clearly the need to isolate myself, remain 100% independent, and reject love as a four-letter word. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if I am actually capable of love.

I raised two children by myself as a very low-income single mom. All three of us are well educated, and kids’ life was remarkably stable. We all are struggling with existential angst and depression, however. On line, I found a lovely man who wants to be my partner, and we click on so many levels. We had a pretty happy year in which we decided to move in together. Big threat to an introvert, but for the first time in my life I was actually able to articulate what makes me tick. Like many introverts, I am so relieved that we finally have public awareness of this trait being okay.

Before living together, I told my partner that men tend to end up exasperated with me. I can do anything, be a mom, work three jobs, go to grad school, keep the house immaculate, and work out. But I cannot do that while someone else is watching me, waiting for me to slow down, sit on the couch, be fun. I cannot and will not feel guilty for being the Energizer bunny because that is how I define myself and what has helped me survive and succeed. I am all to used to experiencing the energy drain from the discrepancy of expectations, the guilt, and the fact that most men I have met end up living off my energy.

So, he and I have this awareness, yet right now, live is exactly as described above. Many evenings were spent with him on the couch watching me like he was at a tennis match with me zipping back and forth with things that I truly did not want help with. He realized this and now takes on projects, which helps a little. In addition, he is relatively well-off financially, successful, and used to the finer things in life, whereas I have turned being minimalist and roughing it into a virtue.

A big issue is that my partner fathered a child when he was 19, abandoned her and her mother, and remained non-involved until his adult daughter found him. Even then, and in general, he seemed complacent and self-absorbed, instead of making up for mistakes of the past. I ended up laying that out for him, in fact, I hurled 20 years of single parenting at him and said that men like him make life difficult for women like me and my children.

Last weekend, I hit the wall. I had spend yet another weekend driving one child to a college visit and another back to college and providing a nice Easter for everyone on Sunday. My daughter is struggling with depression and is smoking weed, and my son is struggling with low self esteem and smoking weed, and he was just caught for that, too. All the while my partner enjoyed himself and, for example, went for an Easter walk by himself. I ended up crying for four hours, and this week, I am physically sick with body aches, sore throat, light-headedness, and an upset stomach, which I think is NOT due to the flu.

This is where the story ends. My partner knows about my story and my introversion, I have shared this blog with him, and he is understanding and loving. My questions are: Is there hope for us to stay together? Am I “too” introverted and damaged? Is his past something I can learn to accept? I know eventually I can only answer this for myself, but I would absolutely like your feedback and readers’ comments as well. He is coming home tonight … Thank you in advance!

Wow, I’ve read a lot about Introverts and this is the first Article I’ve read that hasn’t seemed “recycled,” if you will, from others. By that I mean they all say pretty much the same thing they just say it differently. This article gave me several “WOW” moments by touching on things I’ve experienced, but have never seen written before. For example:

“The Space Between”

“I read somewhere that it’s the space between times with a special person that encourages an introvert to fall in love. Their internal replays and daydreams are so pleasure rich that the relationship is enhanced.”

This has not been my experience with ALL of my Love relationships!!!! The replaying of certain parts, the reflecting. All of that. Sometimes I almost enjoyed that much more than actually being with the person all of the time. Space away made my heart grow fonder. Too much and the relationship died on the vine.

I can’t wait to dive into all the other articles. So glad I found a Blog that didn’t touch upon the ‘same ole, same ole.’ I’m a veracious reader and learner. Great pleasure to find some new information. Thank You!

definitely need some help here. My introvert relationship is a tough one (I am the extrovert). I met someone who happens to work in nightlife who is an introvert (yes, odd) at a high level position. I myself work in a high level position within publications. I remember our first date back in December: it was me asking all the questions and him deeply thinking. I liked him because he was quiet and I didn’t need to speak to feel comfortable. We would see each other 3-4 times a week and became official I think in like March. It is always me who texts him every day, who makes the plans etc. I always ask how he is- he never asks how I am and well it’s because I simply tell him. Around April his job got a bit harder and it has been having us see each other less. But even on text the conversations are just kind of check ins, nothing even meaningful. I feel if I do not tell him about my day or ask for his opinion or if he likes something (I work with fashion a lot) that he won’t bother to contact me. I by the way am always the cool calm and collected girlfriend, never pressuring him. He knows all of my friends, I barely know his. And it’s always me giving, me doing it all. He really used to attempt to pursue me- I guess this was him putting up the ‘act’ before I realized what he is.

He is friendly with my big brother who studied psychology and always told me that my guy was an introvert. Now, do I know what an introvert is? Yes, however I never dealt with one. To fast forward: we finally had a talk 3 weeks ago where he verbally said that he only wants to see me and really cares about me but he likes to spend time with himself, that he gets drained by people etc. (my boyfriend told me he was diagnosed with anxiety when he was younger and ti was much controlled) and I just may not get to see him as much as he wants. In short, he was telling me he was an introvert. It was just kind of shocking to hear yet a big weight was suddenly lifted off of our shoulders. I basically told him by the way on this night before the conversation that I understand his work is crazy and that mine is too, however I want to meet his friends and to also just text me more because we are in a ‘senior citizen mode crisis’ of a relationship and he agreed (we are just turning 30). Then though when it got to us he laid this on me. I was shocked but not surprised and agreed as pretty much ‘we’ wouldn’t change except I wouldn’t get to see him as much as I want (we were down to basically once a week). However- as I said: it is me who texts him, me who makes the effort.

After finding this site, speaking to my brother and what not, I feel A LOT BETTER. I got back into my art (since for me my writing is not currently ‘doing it’ for me) and finding things to fill me up. I truly get the way his mind works. I have though and continue to give him his space. Still, social media and what not makes things confusing. For example, he’s active on there and shares his art on there but doesn’t bother to share it with me first when I explained ‘don’t you think I am your #1 fan?” mentality. To be honest it somewhat irks me. Then ok.. for the first two days he reached out to me more. Now we are back to the same pattern. The thing is it just doesn’t make so much sense to me. My big brother and my father (who has dated introverts) as well as my friends even say to seriously ignore him, to semi play hard to get. Now, we all agree that we don’t like to play games (I never have), and I am naturally just a giver. But when it’s me ALWAYS giving, me inviting him to things (and yes he actually went and wanted to go – he’ll simply tell me no which is TOTALLY fine with me at this pt, I get it…and not and not to be rude, but I introduced him to several high profile people that he was VERY interested in meeting and now is friends with them), me giving every ounce of myself (I am naturally a giver- aka a double-edged sword)… I am getting worn out. I can honestly say that I am a catch but I need a little bit in return. I try so hard. He knows that even seeing me for an hour is all that I want if that’s all that he can do for the week, I have expressed that. But it’s been about 2 weeks since we have seen each other. So my question is: do I bring up again to text me more, do I bring up saying ‘ok, you let me know a good day for you this week and lets see if we can make it work’ (ps even saying like that will be semi-hard, I am always super nice), and kind of pull back? I never played ‘hard to get’ but I feel he may need a slap of reality and that’s what everyone else is telling me. I just want him to give a little. Let me know please, I am so unsure about how to handle this, I deeply care about him but I am getting worn out.

Brenda, I wholeheartedly agree with Cynthia. Thank you for your wonderful blog. I could identify with everything you have written. I am very much an introvert. I wish I had the type of relationship PJ has, where my significant other appreciated the sound of silence. Instead, my husband incessantly yaps. I just want to get way … so much so that I am contemplating a divorce. I’ve shared with him many times my need for quiet and solitude … I never get it. Reading your site, Brenda, made me feel better. Thanks so much!

Hello. I believe I am finally starting to realize the man I have been seeing for a year and a half is an introvert. He has tried to allude to this on occasion throughout our relationship, especially when things are tough and he is distant, but we have never really talked about what we need space/attention-wise to feel fulfilled and not stressed. As I do more reading and research on the subject, I am gaining more insight into the introverts need for space and downtime. Sadly, I think my recent education and revelation may be too late. Not understanding his needs and nature caused me to see his distance as me not being worthy of attention. This, in turn, threw me into a frenzy of contacting him. I know I came off as needy and I am not. But I was confused by his behavior. It is hard for me to understand how you can shut out the people in your life you say you care about when I tend to look to these people for support and compassion.

Can introverts and extroverts have a healthy relationship? What can I do to show him I understand his needs, but have mine met also? Is that even possible? I love him and want to make things work but I am not sure how. He is very stressed right now and more distant than usual, which makes it hard to communicate. Should I leave him be to get his head straight? What if I pull back and he never talks to me again?

Thank you for your blog and helping me gain some much-needed perspective.

I read your blog about introverts and I just had to write to you since it seems you can give me the best advice. I have been allover this net trying to figure this all out I am an introvert and I met a guy who is an introvert. quiet shy but funny when we are alone. he shares and then shuts down. we were childhood friends and we became reaquainted. the second time we went to dinner he told me he was suicidal .. said it he attempted it as a child and again as an adult with pills.. i felt so bad more so because i wasn’t there for him, all these years . he has family but they are emotional vampires his best friend is a cousin and he has marital problems as well as health problems. he lost both his parents and a brother . he has two other brothers one has a heart condition and te other cancer. he has gone through a lot of bad relationships . he’s been called gay because he doesnt like being physical much some have accused him of cheating.. he says he did a lot of that at his young age with approximately 75 or more partners and he lost interest. he said most of the females he has been with claim to understand him and then wind up using him for money and a few have physically beat him up .. he will never hit them back but he says he has anger issues and he stays to himself a lot to control it. he says he hates people and just wants to be left alone watchng tv and sleeping that’s he only has enough energy to work and come home. . i didnt understand what that meant . he never touched me showed interest or even held my hand but on our 4th friendship date he decided to tell me on the way home that he had a girlfriend and that he was so unhappy but can’t leave her when i asked him why is he telling me this he kissed me… i was in shock why kiss me we dont even hold hands.. … then he said she was on crack.. he was always stuck in his own head with two jobs that he never noticed .. he was always giving her money…when he come to realize she was on drugs it was a year and he’s since has been trying to help or even has given her money so she can go away.. he said was trying to help her she also was physically abusive to him. he was with her for almost 2 1/2 years. he still hung out i tried to give him advise and be his voice of reason he just never felt like he was doing anything right and couldnt take the beatings anymore. i tried to spend as much time with him as he would let me .. i found myself feeling sorry for him and getting emotionally attached… attached to a point where i would cry worried.. five months later we had a physical encounter .. two weeks after he broke up with her ..he still helped her of course he couldnt walk away without making sure that she was okay… she wouldnt go to rehap and winded up in jail… now he is not the type of man that would be with a female he is very conservative… as for us well we use to speak once a week to not speaking at all we text everyday but that is because i initiate it .. he see’s me once a week for breakfast and i wait for him to initiate that.. we dont kiss or hold hands as if nothing ever happened. i on the other hand have fallen in love with him.. only i keep telling myself there is nothing to love he doesnt do anything for or with me. doesnt show me any affection .. I’ve told him how i felt and he always thanks me and says that i am his best friend and that as much as he finds me atttractive that he doesnt want to be in a relationship and he can’t love.. he doesnt think he can ever love anyone..he says he doesnt want to live … he says he wouldnt be fair to me to put me through that… i hear everything he is saying and he is right but i cant get my heart to listen… i want to stay away to forget him but i can’t walk away..I am always crying .. i feel so foolish and helpless everyone else is in a loving relationship that can work things out with a little understanding. there is nothing to work out on my end .. all i have todo is walk away and i can’t.. .. i am afraid that I am here for him not just because i love him but also because i dont want to not be there for him because he refuses to get help.

Weird title

I found your article to be very interesting and wish i had read it sooner. my boyfriend and I had been dating for about 7 months. He is the most introverted person I have ever dated. I’m very much an extrovert and enjoy my time out and about. He is the one who sought after me and we finally started dating, after about a month of us hanging out and being friends. I enjoyed spending every moment with him but shortly after dating we started realizing how different we were. I started doing research on dating introverts & I realized how unique and interesting he was to me.I wanted to know more about him and I wanted to be there for him as someone he can talk to or someone he can just sit in silence with. I even gave him his space when he needed it (he wouldn’t tell me he needed it but i could tell when he started getting distant). I knew that I wanted more the more time i spent with him. The hardest part about being with him was that anything I said he would take it personally. anytime that I mentioned I disliked something or i wished something were different he would get offended. We started getting into little dispute here and there over things that were said, and for a lot of the time I would just back down and say you know what you’re right and I’m sorry. He never said he was sorry, he had a hard time with that. I started feeling that we were slowly getting to understand each other, but what I didn’t know was that he was not feeling too great about our relationship. In his words he said that HE felt he is not what I am looking for, which really caught me off guard because I tried my best to let him know how great he was and that he IS what I am looking for. I guess my greatest problem or the biggest question that I have is how am I supposed to show him that I cared for him or that I wanted to be with him? I know how important space is when in a relationship and I know how important space is for an introvert in a relationship, so I tried making sure that I gave him that space all I would request from him was a short text message goodnight or something that just let me know he was okay At some point during the day. In his words he was going to come back and he always did. Throughout the relationship he just said he wanted to have fun but what’s fun to an introvert is different that an extrovert. How was i supposed to know what his version of fun was? We had a conversation a few days ago and we broke up. That’s when he told me that he felt the way did. now I’m confused and unsure of what i should do. Should I wait to speak with him? Should I try contacting him at some point? How much time is enough time for someone that spent their life alone? I’m giving him his space and haven’t contacted him because i don’t want up push him away. it’s only been two days, which for someone like me it can feel like forever! I don’t want us to end things in a way that says we cant be friends – i told him that it’d take time before we could be. He told me that he wanted to still be there for me. i could see the sadness in his face when we ended it. I just don’t know what my next steps should be.

I can’t tell you how much this has helped me understand my boyfriend. I used to think his days of not calling meant he didn’t want to be with me instead of his need for personal space. When we are together it is awesome, but the three or four days of not hearing from him made me doubt the relationship. I am an extrovert who thrives from interaction and socialization. While he does enjoy going out and being around people, he needs time to be by himself and it was hard to understand.

I have been lurking and reading your posts for a few months now. As an introvert, I deeply appreciate your honesty, advice and perspectives on living in an extrovert driven society – oh, and those relationships too 😉

I have been dating an introvert for nearly 2 years. I love how we value mutual respect and patience, giving each other space to be alone. We live an hour apart and normally spend the weekends with each other. I am not someone who craves a lot of emotional intimacy but rather a nice medium, not too much and not too little. I certainly don’t need it everyday, maybe 2-3 times a week of sweet tender words shared between couples. “I love you because….” or “I was thinking about you and how lucky I am to have you in my life….” Nothing major but just enough to fill the love bank. lol

It bothers me how little and infrequent he shares intimate emotions with me. Even when we are physically intimate, he focuses more on himself. This has been a major issue in our relationship to the point I have debated if we are a good match. I can’t seem to get him to understand women are emotional creatures and an emotional connection is the glue of the relationship. Well, at least for me 🙂 The cycle usually goes I make it an issue, he is more open with me with his feelings for a few weeks and then it just stops. After 2-3 weeks go by without any real emotional connection (I have a wait and see approach), I begin to feel a void, make a fuss and the cycle begins again.

How can I get my introvert boyfriend to value what is important to me and my core needs?

Hi! I just came across this article and it was fantastic. I just realized today that the guy I am seeing is an introvert. It’s weird since I was married to one for ten years, you’d think I’d have seen the signs, but I was oblivious to them until I actually talked to my ex about him this morning while we were doing our kid exchange. (We have a great relationship FWI) And I was just venting on how I don’t understand this guy and I’d been researching men and how they think (I’ve been out of the dating pool for 16 years) and how lost I felt. My ex looked at me and said you’re looking up the wrong stuff. Everything you’ve told me, this guy’s an introvert. You need to be researching that.

Me and my ex met under different circumstances. We had the same group of friends. We were were friend first, then moved to falling in love and then getting married. So I was just used to him. I never really thought about his introverted ways, it was always just the way he was.

With this guy, we met online. And we texted for 9 weeks. I’ve apparently become more introverted as I’ve aged. I despise talking on the phone and this guy never wanted to. I loved that. In fact, we still only text. We are seeing each other now. He has a difficult time with women because of “mixed signals” I totally get this now because he confuses the ever-loving crap out of me. I actually understand it more now from the things I have read. I swear, reading about introverted men was like reading his personal description. Unfortunately, I worry if I have already messed things up with him and its too late to fix with things with him.

I am a big sharer. I’m also blunt. Things were going great until I got a little too direct about him being too quiet and what I was viewing as “closed off” one night while we were together. Before that night, he hadn’t been like this, but this night was different. His reaction was not what I was expecting and he said, he was just hanging out and enjoying my company…and drama was something he wasn’t down with. I see now, he really was just enjoying my company, but at the time all I felt was isolated from him.

Things were a little tense and awkward for about a week, but I backed off, like way back. And on Friday we had a really good conversation, and he was talking about the next time we get together.

Long story short, he’s got a big change going on his life right now, which is also affecting thing between us. He will reach out to me every once awhile about it, but then, of course, once he does the initial reach out, he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. I do drop it. On Sunday, I sent him a text saying I was worried about him and hope everything was okay. His response was why are you worried about me I’m fine. Okay. We talked a little after this. The Sunday night something happened that I witnessed in the background and wasn’t apart of, but I saw where he was emotionally at that moment. To reach out to him, I sent him a hug via text told him I hurt for him. He never responded to that text. So later, I sent him message that I cared about him, he was my friend and worried about him. I respected his space, but if needed me I was here. He didn’t have to go through it alone. Well, he read the message…and again no response.

Now I’m trying not to take things personally, especially with what I read today. He did send me text Monday night that stated, “just saying hey.” and then one Tuesday that stated he was sick, I responded that sucks. hope you feel better. and I got a thanks and smilie face reply back. If I text him, they are just very short, hope you feeling better.

My first question is the fact that he is still contacting me at all is good sign, right? It might not be in the way I’m wanting, but I shouldn’t feel slighted? He is reaching on in the way he does, correct?

My second thing is, if we make it past this, what tips can I have to make it easier for me to make it easier on him? I really care for him. I enjoy his company when we get to spend time together. We do live in about an hour apart and we kids, so its not been easier getting that face-to-face time. I don’t want to push him away with coming across to clingy. So we spend our time texting inbetween. Is there anything I can do to bridge the gap we’ve got going on right now or is just screwed up and theirs really nothing that can be done?

Thank you very much. I really wish I’d come across this article weeks ago. So much would’ve made more sense. It would’ve saved me a lot of over-analyzing and freaking out too.

Hi Brenda, thank you for your thoughtful and thought provoking posts. I am an introvert and feel that I’m increasingly becoming so, especially since starting a job that would probably suit an extrovert’s personality more and feel I need more time to recharge. I’ve been speaking to a nice gentlemen for the past 6 months and we’re in the process of getting engaged. When we were in the same place for the first time and before we were introduced to each other or had any idea that we’d become introduced to each other, I spotted him out of the crowd and his image is still very vivid in my memory, his introversion struck me so deeply to the extent that I felt repelled by it, he seemed so reserved, so ‘in his own bubble’, I remember saying to myself ‘if this person is to ever propose to me I would certainly say no’. We met a year later, spoke vaguely, and then I was told indirectly by someone that he was interested. I turned that offer down, I took it up again, then was very close to turning it down again, but after few meetings we started to speak about deep issues and I became hooked. He shares the same values as me and is very hard working, he seems to accept me for who I am and showed willingness to support me in being the person I want to be. We only communicate face to face, that’s once or twice a month. I still question the initial feeling I had, and my gut feeling is blurred, but once it was clear and it was telling me to not proceed. He recently mentioned that he is needing to spend less time to recharge and be alone. Is he becoming less of an extreme introvert? Do you advice me to proceed with the engagement? what areas shall I beware of and what shall I investigate further? thank you

I think this will help me a ton, and I believe I’ve found it just in time. I am currently trying to get into a relationship with with an introverted woman. We met about 2 months ago and really really hit it off. We live about 8ish hours apart currently, so distance is totally a part of this. We started kinda slow, but I became very attracted to her personality very quickly as our only contact is via the web and some games we play together. She is an incredibly smart woman and thus she picked up on this very quickly. She let me know early on that she did not in any way want a relationship with me because of the distance factor. I agreed with her and said that this was what I wanted as well… Turns out my heart had other ideas on that matter, but it worked out in the end as she actually came to me asking to be my “Internet Girlfriend”. I let her know that I in fact did want this as well, but I didn’t want to start anything not worth starting. I explained that the meaning behind this was that I wanted to be able to grow the relationship if it had the potential to be great. She accepted and thus we started dating… kinda. I say kinda as I am a very physical person, I like to touch and feel a girlfriend. From a hug when I get home from work to more intimate things such as sex. This not being part of our relationship because of distance caused me to start to try to contact her as much as I could. Any time I woke up to get ready for work and I saw her online I would leave her a message telling her “good morning”. To me I felt this was a nice way to let her know I was interested in her. After reading this article I find that it has the opposite effect. It did in fact cause her to withdraw from me. It was very slight at first, but I noticed it. I did not change my actions the way I needed tho as I just tried harder to contact her and let her know that I was there for her. Recently she has gone to her parents to visit them for the holidays. She has let me know in the past that this is a very draining thing for her, but I never did really understand why until I read this. While at her parents she asked me on her second day there for a sabbatical, which she explained was time she could play games by herself. I accepted it instantly as I knew I had kinda “invaded” her games that she plays by joining her in them. I figured that she just needed some space, a concept that I don’t understand at all myself as I have never needed space from someone I was interested in(a very big problem for my past relationships). After a few days she contacted me again just to say “Hi”. I believe that she did this to let me know that she was still there, but it had the opposite effect on me and it just made me feel terrible like she was going to leave. It mainly has this effect on me as she asked me “How are you holding up”. She calculates everything she says, so I knew this had more meaning then face value. I asked her what she was really saying, and she just explained what the saying actually means, which if you knew her would be her dodging the question. Rather then calling her out on it I let it slide and let her know I was fine even tho I had been eating myself alive wondering if I should keep trying or give up since it is such a new relationship. Three days later she contacted me back again, just saying “Hi” again… I could not stop myself I let her know I missed her and wanted to spend some time with her. She informed me that she felt the same way and we enjoyed a night of playing games (that I did horribly at because I was so shook up). That was the last I have talked to her, which was one day ago. I honestly expected her to contact me again tonight, because in my mind I had given her the time she needed. In desperation to make sure I did not screw anything up more then I already had, I searched the internet for answers on introverted people as she had told me she is one. I know I need to give her space, and I know she still wants to spend time with me… But I am at a loss as to how to work this. I want to talk to her about this as I know she has only been truthful with me, and I with her. I want to keep it that way, and to show her that I want to keep it that way. I want to tell her all of the things that have been going through my head. I to find out what her thoughts on this situation we are in are. I do not want to chase her farther away, which is exactly what I think will happen. I think of myself as a very strong man both in mind and heart, I have taken a fair beating both mentally and emotionally in my life and it has done nothing but make me stronger… I do have an “Achilles heal” that totally saps all strength from me, and that is not knowing what to do. I find myself very good at reading people. But when I am not able to use all of my senses, sight being the main one, I start to question my intuition. That doubt in myself causes me to crumple into a tiny pile on the floor unable to deal with even normal life at times. Long story short I am looking for even the smallest light at the end of the tunnel. Do I continue on my chosen path? Do I tell her how I feel, or maybe tell her some of my feelings at first. Should I contact her at all, or should I leave that to only her. The other part is I know she loves it when I am confident, but my confidence is shattered with this situation. Thank you very much if you take the time to read and/or reply to this long winded rant about my current situation. I appreciate any help or tips you may have.

I always thought I was an introvert until I started spending time with a very introverted man. He enjoys small gatherings where he will make small talk with people over drinks, so I thought he was an extrovert at first, but he actually needs a lot of time to himself. I didn’t realize how serious this need was for him until recently when it all came crashing down. We were supposed to go to a party and he cancelled at the last minute saying he’d had an exhausting week and didn’t have the energy to go out. He’d never stood me up before, and I was shocked. I’d also had a rough week and didn’t feel like going out alone, thought it might be nice just to stay in and chat instead, so I suggested we hang out alone rather saying I’d been looking forward to his company (big mistake), and got snapped at that he wanted the time for himself and asked me not to expect anything more from him because he couldn’t give it. When I queried what he meant he said he didn’t think we were a good match for a close friendship although we could hang out sometimes, and that he likes to be alone. My head is still spinning because I thought things were going well, and that we were gradually becoming friends. This happened just the other night and I haven’t spoken to him since as I don’t know what to say, and if he really wants to be alone and not be around me then I should probably just move on. Only I’m not sure if he really meant he doesn’t want to be friends anymore or if he was just having a really bad day and freaked out because I seemed needy. I’d been hanging out with him a while and it felt like we were just starting to get closer and talk about more personal things when this happened. My friends say I should go and talk to him, but i think it might be better just to leave him alone and see if he approaches me, what do you think? Did I ruin our friendship forever by being too needy, or is there something I could do that would show him i’m not a threat to his peace and quiet? How can i give him energy and not drain it from him? I’d still like to be friends, but not if he doesn’t want to be.

The blog help me personally grow and understand my self, mostly understand my ex after a year of dating and over a month of breaking up we are still communicating he is amazed of how much i learned about him, he constantly makes remarks about us and how beautiful I am! He sends me funny jokes via emails, nothing direct saying he still cares for me although in the past he said he cared for me more than I did for him and sadly I showed no care because of his personality I thought he had other people while he had alone time. I want to continue being there for him but as time goes I’m getting confused of what he wants, I’m not sure how to approach him without making him feel smothered ? Also is it possible to be 50% intro 50% extrovert?

Coming across this forum has been a blessing with regards to having an insight to an introvert’s world.
I am an extrovert in a 17 month relationship with an introvert, who is wonderful and has some qualities I would want in a man. He is definitely husband material; however, he has some qualities too that I am not such a huge fan of. When we were dating, he did everything I liked, he took me out lots, we went out to parties (though he never did mingle a lot and was comfortable watching from a distance), met some of my friends. He did a lot of chasing and was would do just about anything to impress me and win my heart. Now he has it…
I find that he is not very comfortable with sharing his feelings and certainly with the 3 words. (Which he finally said recently when we had a huge fight and things were a bit shaky).
I noticed some months back, he started to snap for no reason and he became quite abrupt too and would want to have his way all the time. I am of the mentality that being in a relationship means we do things together, share our stories, go places together and life would be bliss etc. We’ve had many many many arguments about all sorts of things: chores, finances, his aloofness and snappiness and his interesting way of doing and analysing things. He has said he just wants to be left alone and not sure he can deal with my constant requests for spending our spare moments together. He fared pretty well at the beginning which made me think we could have a good thing here. We are both scientists and he absolutely loves his field of science (I do too just not that obsessed) and says he wants to focus on that, his hobbies and his other things alone without any disturbance. When I asked him if other aspects of his life took priority, he said no, there was no particular order. He wants our relationship and wants things on a deeper level but doesn’t want the “superficial things” I do such as the going out occasionally, picnics with friends etc. He started to move our relationship forward a while back but things seem to be stagnating now. Of late (last 2wks), he has withdrawn and we don’t talk as much and when asked about it last night he said perhaps he’s to blame in a way as he hadn’t put in as much effort in the relationship due to work pressures. I love him very much and wouldn’t want us to break up. I am in a difficult position as I do not know how to relate to him and treat him the way he would like. I have never been in a relationship with an introvert and i’m really struggling. I am willing to adapt and let him have his space and time to recharge. However, I feel like I need his affection and attention most times when we are together, I find his presence comforting, which may come across as “not confident” or an attention seeker which he has mentioned before. He also mentioned that he’s not sure if we would be compatible in the long run as he’s not the going out, share-every-moment together type, doesn’t like to clean -would prefer me to do it, (he doesn’t mind cooking though) . Even if we do decide to have a family, he would want me to be responsible for this part and he would be there for his family financially and emotionally. This new revelation has led me to seek ways of dealing with our issues and him as an introvert. This is totally new territory for me and my past relationships have been different from what my current boyfriend’s needs are especially of space and not wanting to engage much with people.
Any help would be IMMENSELY appreciated.

Hello there, it’s me again, this time with an update. ^_^ I believe I posted a few months back about being engaged to an introvert gal, and learning to adjust to her needs.

Well, the good news is: the adjustment has gone far better than I thought! It may just be that I’m in love, but I’ve been on a long term serious relationship before, so I’m not new to the highs that come in the really stages of love. Nah, she is a keeper. The most beautiful girl–no, woman, in all of existence, and I mean every word of that declaration! Beautiful in mind, body, heart, soul–all of it.

Things are great. Communication is as good as ever. A few months after that initial pay, I found that because I was so conscientious of her alone time, she actually spent quite a lot more of her time with me than I thought! Turns out, she can get the same our similar effect of alone time with us time, thoughwhen she needs it, she takes time completely alone. I love this gal, I’m Gibbs sirens my whole life with her, and all of eternity to boot. We’re happily looking forward to our marriage in August (2014), and look forward to raising a family together.

She is supportive of my endeavors to sing in the opera and compose film music, just as I am supportive of her continuing her education. It’s bliss and happiness, and I’m fairly certain on a hunch that it will continue to be happy if we work hard at it.

You were right about my HSP element: it has paid and rewarded greatly. Turns out that she is also HSP, but I, as opposed to my E. But we’re like Yin and Yang, cliche as that may come off.

The bad need: she had to move back home for a little while. (I am in Idaho, and home for her is Missouri). 🙁 That was hard to see her go, but she took it quite well, and assured me we would be in regular communication. That is going well. We expect to see each other in December, though. Depends on how everything works out. I am okay, she’s okay. It really is a beautiful relationship where we are both working to meet each other’s needs. I am close to tears because I feel like the luckiest, most blessed man in all of existence to have won her love.

Thank you introverts for being the amazing people you are. This is from an extrovert. Thank you…thank you…

i go back to this blog posting all the time. I find myself in a season of introversion. This writing is soothing to me and allows me to find words for my feelings. I honestly think this is the most important writing I have read in a long long time. Thank you again Brenda for this transparency into your “world”.

Reblogged this on Tech Savvy Lender and commented:
What a superb piece! I bet this REALLY resonates with my innie friends!

Such a great blog! Thank you. Only recently realising I am an introvert, after many many years of “I don’t fit in” or am “just socially awkward” and general introspection. My husband and all my (2) close friends are extrovert, and they understand how I operate which coupled with my politeness, empathy and the fact that I work from home, alone, in silence, means it works out well. Mostly. 🙂

I have recently been forging a friendship with another who is more introverted than me and found that I am craving time with them – we seem to understand each other, we don’t fight for domination of the conversation, we can both open up, him more than me. And we can just be. I am now finding that I am the one chasing them for contact! It is all by text, no phone calls as he wouldn’t pick up, but then again neither would I usually! But I am finding it difficult to back off.

I know that sometimes I need a nudge. I have told my other friends to please keep inviting me and contacting me. If I decline it is not personal it is just that I can’t be around others at that time. So I have adopted the same approach with this other friend, never pressuring him, just the odd invite to catch up. However most of the time I don’t even get a reply, period, other than when we do see each other – usually because he has phoned me – then he will say “oh I got your text 2 weeks ago”. But I do find it tough, to have found a friend who is like me, that doesn’t drain me. I seem to have latched on! I need to remember who I am and then appreciate he is more introverted. Omg, it must be so tough for extroverts to care for us sometimes!! Hats off to those that do.

I got engaged to my cousin 3 months ago, and life has not been the same since. Every day I think of a thousand ways of how to end this relationship. It seems to me that everyone related, including my parents and my fiance’s family, are overjoyed at this union. Me, it has made me delve deeper in to depression and has left me incapable of having any sort of happy thoughts for a considerable period of time. It’s not that I hate him or anything, I just don’t want to have a relationship and marriage seems like hell, or worse, to me. Up till the moment that I read up on ‘Introversion’, I thought that my mom was right when she said that I have a serious problem because I don’t like being with people and sharing. Everyone had me convinced that I am arrogant, rude and just plain crazy for wanting too much solitude and having the time of time locked up in my room. Now I know that I’m not abnormal and I don’t need to be institutionalized. I love, love love being on my own. And the fact that I have a history of disastrous relationships, which I always thought were because of me because I’m the common denominator, has always added to the fact that people perceive me as weird. I studied Medicine for 5 years because my father wanted me to become a doctor. And I got through it by the grace of God. And I had this dream of being by myself and doing things for myself after I got over with Medicine. And lo and behold, my parents got me engaged. Now I feel like I’m constantly depressed and chronically thinking of ways to run away and be a fugitive. Recently, I even concocted a story in which my fiance got lost in some far off land and was declared dead because he was missing for a really long time, and thus I did not have to get married to him. The smallest and most innocent demands from either my fiance or my in laws renders me on the verge of panic attacks and I end up shutting myself in my room for hours on end. My fiance and I thankfully don’t share time zones so I don’t have to talk to him that much. My heart starts racing when he calls and the only way I get through an online chat is by plugging my ears with songs while I”m chatting with him. I really don’t want to get married, but I feel like I really don’t have a choice. How do I control my introversion and is that even possible? I’m extremely scared of the life that lies ahead.

“If we are going to put ourselves out there it has to be magnificent. Better than solitude.” ohhh, how I relate to this. I have said to others that for time with them to trump my time with me, they must be pretty sensational! I sometimes forget that not everyone is so joyful in their inner wonderland, and it’s comforting to read your insightful and lovely words. Thank you for putting your inner world out here for us to see…it’s beautiful.