I’ve come up against some bad old conceptions of introversion recently. I thought we had done a good job spreading awareness about what it really means to be an introvert and why our nature is valuable, but the misconceptions still remain.
Jenn Granneman of Introvert, Dear ran into someone at a blogger’s workshop who, once they found out she writes about introverts, asked if she teaches people not to be introverted.
A female student in the Netherlands told me that during her research on introverts as leaders, she ran across two other personal coaches who help people undo their introverted traits. Their goal is to make introverts more extroverted.
My own son declared (again) recently that introverts are weird and he can’t see why anyone would want to be one. And he is one! Clearly my message is not transmitting with him.
Yes, the old biases are still in place and ever pervasive.
These notions do not do much for the introvert’s self-esteem. I’ve felt the sting of being passed over or underestimated because I’m quiet and contemplative. I’ve felt the exhaustion of acting counter to my nature for too long. I’ve made it my mission to show introverts there is nothing wrong with them. As a personal coach and fellow introvert, I work to empower introverts. What I’ve found is it’s not about teaching introverts to be more outgoing, but teaching them how to be fully themselves and more resilient in an extroverted world.
Go with the flow, not an empty platitude to get you to act like others
Two of the first questions I ask new clients are: “Where do you feel most alive?” and “Where do you feel most at home?” I want to know where they lose track of time and where their inner critic disappears. If the client is an introvert, their reply is often: in solitude, in nature, with a special person or while doing something creative. I tell them, “That’s great. Do more of that.” Those experiences take place in the “flow state” a phrase most often attributed to psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It’s an optimal state of consciousness where we feel and perform our best.
As I learned in my course on Flow Fundamentals through The Flow Genome Project, deep thinkers enter flow through stillness and uninterrupted concentration. Our nervous systems relax during times of creativity, reflection and soothing repetitive work. Safe, non-judgmental spaces allow inspiration to enter. There are other triggers for flow, like high consequence (risky behavior like extreme sports, bungee jumping) and deep embodiment (breath work, zero gravity experiences), but I’ve found many introverts enter it through uninterrupted concentration. The outer world is so noisy, we need quiet time to luxuriate in our beloved inner world.
The flow state connects with intrinsic motivation. We actively seek out activities that bring about this state of consciousness. We get energy and contentment from experiencing the flow state. This kind of bliss fortifies us. Its presence makes us more resilient to outside stimulation. We have so much light and power coming from the inside. We can deflect irritations and overcome obstacles longer because we know we can return to flow when needed.
You would be surprised how much clients perk up when I grant them permission to play in their flow state. It’s like a treat they deny themselves because it may not feel productive or accepted by others in their lives.
Time to grow
To balance our time in flow, we need to spend time working on our growth function. I use the Myers Briggs Personality Type Inventory as a system to determine an individual’s type. The dominant function in a Myers Briggs type is what puts a person in flow. Our time in flow is effortless. It’s the perfect blend of challenge and skill. It usually involves a skill we’ve been honing since we were little. Not surprisingly for introverts, it involves internal processing.
When it comes to growth, we have to step into the outer world. This may sound like a request to extrovert, and in a way it is, but it’s in a manner that naturally suits you. If you practice your growth function your development is more balanced. You work internally and externally, in your head and out in the real world.
For example, if your Myers Briggs personality type is an INFJ, then your dominant (flow) function is introverted intuition (Ni). Which involves recognizing patterns and answering the question, “What’s really going on here?” People who love research often have Ni as a dominant function. The second favorite or auxiliary function of an INFJ is extroverted feeling (Fe). Extroverted feeling (Fe) involves getting everyone’s needs met. Seeking and creating a harmonious atmosphere. Where many INFJs need help with their growth is including themselves when they strive to meet everyone’s needs. They often take care of others first and neglect themselves. Fostering the inclusion of their needs, helps them expand.
We all have channels for introducing the world to our thoughts and gifts. It just may take a little extra courage and encouragement for introverts to put their inner world on display.
The safe haven
A safe haven gives an introvert the non-judgmental, unconditional support they need to flourish. A safe haven can be a place or a person but in this post I’m going to focus on the person(s). There are two components to a person’s safe haven: 1. Secure relationships and 2. A reassuring tribe.
A secure relationship is responsive, fosters growth and allows the introvert to be authentically herself while participating in an interdependent relationship. Responsiveness is showing empathy, understanding and emotional support in response to a partner’s request. For example, if a man calls his wife and says he’s had a horrible day at work and he’s really stressed and she says, “I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like some time to yourself after work?” She is being responsive. If she says, “Yeah, that sucks. We have Jon’s ball game tonight and the yard needs mowing.” She’s dropping the ball. He isn’t going to feel heard. A secure partner makes your concerns their own and tries to help clear them. There is interdependence, versus two completely self-reliant or dependent individuals. They rely on each other AND keep their integrity.
A mature partner encourages their mate to be the best they can be. They don’t try to make them in their likeness. They work through disagreements so they both learn and feel a level of success. I help partners understand their mate’s personality type by giving them a neutral language to use. I explain how their different preferences cause miscommunication between them but can be used to enrich the relationship. If one or both of them has an insecure attachment style we work toward security.
In my own introvert experience, the reassuring tribe I found through music and writing, definitely gave me the energy and courage to let my guard down and stop pushing myself to live like an extrovert. I have a hard time explaining the feeling of relief and resonance I felt when I started inserting myself into introvert friendly environments. I admit, part of the resonance and self-recognition was due to a common intuitive way of learning as well.
Suddenly, my resolve and emotional guard softened. I was home. I felt safe. I could relate to others. I talked and talked.:) Their nodding and metaphorical examples validated my way of being. I could move forward on my path of development. The gate had been unlocked.
My most fulfilling work allows me to do that for other people. I reassure, validate, support, challenge and form secure relationships with my clients. I try to be, as personal development author and entrepreneur, Michael Hyatt says, a high voltage person with batteries included. I want to energize, not drain others.
You don’t have to recover from introversion
We don’t have to recover from introversion or convert to extroversion. We get to glow in our own way. We get to treasure our beautiful inner world. We get to share ourselves with the world in ways that honor who we are. We often perform best in a solitary version of flow. We stretch ourselves by interaction with the outside world. It’s not our most comfortable realm, but it balances us and helps us grow. We do it for growth, enjoyment and resiliency not because we think there is anything wrong with our more natural way of being.
So, turn your introvert light on and let kindred spirits find you and let others see how a contemplative soul shines.
Do you still feel a need to change your introverted ways? If so, why? How are you stretching yourself in the outer world? What is your favorite introverted trait?
If you’d like guidance and a safe haven to foster your growth as an introvert, please contact me for encouragement, support and challenge.
Looking to enhance your personal and relationship resilience? Please check out my book for introverts and our relationships, The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World.
I quoted it because it is applicable to other areas where some folk probably don’t think of it applying. Such as any problem solving, any scientific research, in fact any time there is a boundary, regardless of whether we think we are dealing with ‘inanimate’ matter or not. There are some more quotes! I am used to talking to a more scientific/technical/engineering audience telling them that they need to become aware of their own learning processes rather than a one sided over-hypothesizing. To me this involves effectively treating the problem, a seemingly inanimate thing, as a living thing. Thus the only way to get to know it rightly, is through a conversation. Otherwise we risk imposing our ideas on it and making it into something it is not.
So there ya go!
Brenda, you are right that there are still misconceptions about people with introverted personalities despite the current info that’s out there. I’m quiet and don’t interact with others much, especially at my job; I’ll crack a joke every now with my cubicle mates but I really want to do my work and just get out of there. I’ve even heard a few people refer to me as “weird” or even “creepy” which irked me…it’s okay for extroverted people to be themselves but I cant?? I struggled with my personality for years because I didn’t understand who I truly was and now I’m learning to accept it. Pretending to be outgoing/the life of the party would feel so inauthentic because that’s not me at all. Thanks for the reminder to do things that make us feel alive–I enjoy writing and love putting my thoughts on paper/being creative. I also enjoy when it’s quiet and I’m focused and absorbed in my writing.
You go Evette! Do your thing. People still mock what they don’t understand. I understand how hard it is to be inauthentic. I can’t do it either. I did it for years but hit a wall and couldn’t do it anymore. Keep shining your light on what you love. Those with the same interests will find you.:)
Brenda, I feel like my best introverted trait is intuitiveness….people are always amazed that I get them and can dissect and assess whats really going on with them…I see pas their words and hear what they are not saying…. the older I get, the less and less I care about, people trying to convert me. I keep my distance from people who think something, is wrong with me and try to get me to be more extroverted. I’m tired of the small quarrels, the snide remarks. I’ve always been quiet and reflective. My dad used to pick on me as a child, on purpose because I was a quiet and he would blame it on my astrological sign of being a cancer. Every time I wanted to be alone and just write and think..it was met with some type of argument.
My mom left me alone, she was introverted as well and a writer so she got me.. She gave me writing material and music. At times she tried to get me out the house, and I did go but not for to long, before I wanted to go back home because she was there and it was peaceful and quiet. People have tried to intrude on my space both men and women. I told you I lived next door to someone and avoided them for a whole year…..This girl drained me and my last relationship drained me. Only healthy supportive relationships in my life from now on. When I write and share, that’s my way of communicating with the outside world. I get out,… I can be social but only for a few hours then it’s time to have peace and quiet. I’m not trying to end up in the hospital anymore, just to get some peace and quiet because my nervous system is on over drive.
Where I’m at right now, is so peaceful and quiet, this is what I want all the time..I don’t know about a relationship unless the guy I meet can give me space. I do want love but I do not want to feel suffocated. Children thats up for debate too, because I would have to be “ON” all the time. I know I will push my needs aside. I’m just not ready to give up my quiet time just yet. If that makes me selfish then so be it, lol…it’s my life….eventually I will add love to my life but I need peace and quiet. People think that because I write so much, I should be outspoken and bubbly and extroverted and they are shocked that I am quiet and they think I need to be “fixed” I don’t.. I’m an INFJ. when I’m quiet and I reflect, thats where inspiration hits me and I receive spiritual guidance. I can’t think around noise of any kind. I need stillness. I need to hear my own thoughts. I need someone to understand me, the way music understands me https://indepthwoman.wordpress.com/2016/03/25/held-captive-by-music/
Keep on enjoying your peace. I think you are healing and fortifying your spirit. Take as long as you need. Keep on listening for inspiration and spiritual guidance. I know how fulfilling that is.:)
Brenda, you said that extroversion is for growth. Maybe that’s so. And maybe it’s just part that we have to do, in order to get along and survive in the world. I don’t look at extroversion as an opportunity for growth, so much as this is just what we sometimes do: we be with other people. For growth? Perhaps. I look at it as an opportunity to enjoy people we truly enjoy. Or, if it’s just part of what we have to do — be at a business conference, for example — well, we do it. Do we grow from it? I’m not sure. And I realize I may not understand what you mean by growth in this sense, either.
I think our real growth may be in being simply who we are. For those of us who strongly prefer solitude, then solitude. One on one contacts? Then more of those. It’s usually not anything exclusively; we can have a lot of solitude, and enjoy periodic (and sometimes frequent) contact with others. Are we getting the solitude we need? Often, I think, this is difficult in a relationship, if the other person needs more contact, and doesn’t really understand what solitude is for an introvert.
We journey on. I appreciate all that you share, Brenda.
Michael
Hi Michael, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I agree solitude and being ourselves are key components to introvert fulfillment. When I spoke of growth and development being experienced through interaction with the outside world, I didn’t mean we have to be extroverted to grow. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that very clear. I meant in order to balance our development we have to take what we nurture and build on the inside and let it take shape in the outside world. That might be though relationships, through creating art or building a business, etc. It’s basically manifesting our inner thoughts. Now I suppose it’s possible that some people become truly content keeping all of their thoughts and ideas to themselves, but I think it’s more natural to develop or mature through sharing and contributing to the outside world in some way. Introverts may keep more thoughts and time to themselves compared to extroverts. I guess basically I wanted to make it clear that I didn’t mean we grow only through more socializing. I meant we grow through interacting with our environment in some manner. We can grow by crafting our inner processes too, but introverts are often already quite adept at that. I hope that makes more sense. Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify.
Hi Brenda
A good post about the unsuitability of trying to ‘fix’ someone’s character. I very much resonate with what you say about helping folk become more resilient in such a world that values outer results over inner peace.
If I may say so there is however one point that has always turned me away from any classification scheme like Myers-Briggs etc. I have usually shied away from such classifications because we are complex, living and hence by definition, changing creatures – of course only if we choose to be so. Thus, to me, any classification is going to miss my true reality.
Of course it can help someone come to see a pattern in their behaviours or relationship to the world and that is very important, but then after that I think we need to learn to see things in a much more mobile way that matches our inherent livingness. Any fixing of it will only show one aspect of that living reality.
If we can truly see this livingness and not fall too often into a fixed set of ideas – not easy I grant you! – I think then that maybe it is possible to link up those conflicting points of view. I say this from the point of view of having experienced a failed relationship where the problem was that we both fell into fixed patterns that were never who we truly were. From the outside you would see her being the introvert and me being the extrovert, when in fact the reality was that we both had both sides in our natures, but our relationship pattern got fixed.
So your point about helping folk move forward in the way THEY want to really hits the nail on the head for me more than any sort of characterological classification.
I hope that makes some sort of sense!
Thanks for the post. I always read them with interest.
And I hope you are taking care of yourself too!
All the very best
Charles
Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective Charles. I always appreciate added insight. I agree with you regarding the danger of putting too much weight on a fixed classification of someone. I use Myers Briggs as my starting point. It often helps me see patterns in behavior and thinking that help me gain insight. I myself don’t fall neatly into one Myers Briggs type. I’m an INFP and INFJ, depends on the day.:) If I have some baseline to work with I can then guide a client in the direction where growth is needed or will help alleviate whatever stress they’re under. I tune into their story and their potential. I follow their lead but also gently support and challenge them. Thanks again for your thoughtful comment. It got me thinking.:)
Hello Brenda
Yes, that makes lots of sense, I assumed that you would be that sensitive to the actual person in front of you so was a little hesitant about my initial comment.This issue of actually trying to see what I have referred to as the mobile, living “organising principle” is a bee in my particular bonnet (!) since I have just recently returned from giving a talk on the need for techies to develop the skills of a slower, quieter, more artistic perception of the world if they are to become experts in tech development! Just for info the background I am coming from is Goethean perception and the likes of Henri Bortoft and the phenomenologists.
Your posts always get me thinking! 😉
You got me to look up Goethe and phenomenology.:) Thanks. I only knew him as a writer/poet.
Two areas of scientific endeavour from Geothe are his work on light, where he disagreed with Newton’s perspective (see on youtube “Light, Darkness and Colours”), and also his main work “The Metamorphosis of Plants”. He was more of a practitioner than a philosopher and was concerned about how we let our thinking run ahead of reality. Henri Bortoft’s work (most recently “Taking Appearance Seriously”) can help to clarify his approach for the modern reader. For me the main point is that Goethe saw the concept of ‘conversation’ as central to any knowledge generation process, including of course how we get to know ourselves and others, i.e. an interweaving process that moves across the boundary between what we do and do not know.
As you can note from the number of my replies, I find this whole subject fascinating!
I love your enthusiasm for the topic Charles! I like the idea of ‘conversation’ being central to knowledge generation. Why is conversation in quotation marks?