It seems like I have written more personal update posts this year than ever before. Well, here comes another one. Last week my husband had triple bypass surgery. We found out two weeks prior that he had five significant blockages in his arteries.
Needless to say, we were thrown into a bit of a tizzy. He had to take a month-long leave of absence from work and I had to take at least a week off. We are still deciding whether I will take more.
The surgery went well, no surprises. The hospital is under a no visitors policy so Mark (husband) was alone the whole time. I received random information, mostly from him via text.
He came home four days later but went back that night. Mark felt light headed and fell in our home that evening. I got to call 911 and he was rushed back to the hospital with a racing heart rate and a-fibrillation. My heart was racing too.
There have been some other health complications. We are discovering health is a luxury.
I am trying to be a loving and patient caregiver. As someone with an avoidant attachment style, this does not always come easily to me. Others dependency feels scary. Like I am never going to be free of taking care of them and they will never be there for me. I know how bitchy and self-centered that sounds, but this is my truth place.
I’ve learned a level of self-sufficiency and independence. This is comfortable and preferable for me. I do not have to depend on others (because subconsciously and consciously I do not trust them to be there) and others do not depend on me. I am free to use my independence to do the work and care of my choice.
It is my experience that this setup is almost impossible. We humans need other humans and they need us. I have spent many years honing my nurturing skills because I know they are vital. They still compete with my self-sufficiency skills.
I am at my best most nurturing self when I am well rested. I have not slept well lately. I did manage to take a nap today. I feel much better and ready to be the flexible caregiver.
Our friends and family have been wonderfully supportive from a distance, because Covid. Covid adds that extra element of difficulty that makes all of this that much more trying.
My Dad and stepmom sent Mark and I two ‘worry stones’ with the phrase: “One day at a time” on them. That is my current mantra.
How are you with others dependency? Is it comfortable?
I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s heart condition. It sounds like it has been an over-whelmingly stressful time for you on top of the burden of the COVID pandemic. I wish you well and will be thinking of you. From one upper Midwest introvert to another, Be safe. Be well. Be filled with peace.
Thank you Philip. My husband gets a little stronger every day. Your kind words and thoughts are much appreciated.
Not depending on others and not trusting them, but also needing other people, is a huge dilemma. Is it part of being an introvert for many people, or is it more related to other personality factors or life experiences?
Agreed. I would say some of it is related to the introverted temperament and being more sensitive to stimulation but still wanting connection. I would say equally influential are our long term relationships. They shape our reactions to dependency and intimacy.
Hi Brenda: I am so sorry this happened to you. We have met before at a Nic Askew event almost three years ago. I had received someone else’s heart. As a patient, I have learned to advocate for myself. Being self sufficient and independent is my wheelhouse. I was at the hospital a few weeks ago and (while waiting for my lab draw) a woman sat across from me and began talking. Her liver cancer had returned and she was scared. She had to send her daughter home because of the policy you mentioned above. She began crying. I asked her for her phone number so I send her messages during her procedures. She said she didn’t know how to use a phone and didn’t have one. I wish I could have been with her after I finished my appointments. I’m sure she didn’t know where she was going in the hospital and because of HIPAA I wouldn’t be able to find out. Frustrating.
I can’t imagine what this is like for you. However, I have a pretty good idea what it is like for him. I’m here if there is anything I can help with and especially the things you don’t know I can help with. Feel my warmth and comfort.
I remember you and your story! I agree. We absolutely have to advocate for ourselves and our loved ones when dealing with the healthcare system. It is so sad when patients have to be alone during very scary medical procedures. I don’t believe it helps the healing process, when people are separated from others who care about them. I will contact you if any pressing questions come up. Thank you for your offer and words of comfort.
Sorry… wishing your husband well, and you, self-care.
Thank you!
Sounds somewhat similar to me. Mostly avoidant, with a bit of anxious mixed in. Fun, fun, fun…