It seems like I have written more personal update posts this year than ever before. Well, here comes another one. Last week my husband had triple bypass surgery. We found out two weeks prior that he had five significant blockages in his arteries.

Needless to say, we were thrown into a bit of a tizzy. He had to take a month-long leave of absence from work and I had to take at least a week off. We are still deciding whether I will take more.

The surgery went well, no surprises. The hospital is under a no visitors policy so Mark (husband) was alone the whole time. I received random information, mostly from him via text.

He came home four days later but went back that night. Mark felt light headed and fell in our home that evening. I got to call 911 and he was rushed back to the hospital with a racing heart rate and a-fibrillation. My heart was racing too.

There have been some other health complications. We are discovering health is a luxury.

I am trying to be a loving and patient caregiver. As someone with an avoidant attachment style, this does not always come easily to me. Others dependency feels scary. Like I am never going to be free of taking care of them and they will never be there for me. I know how bitchy and self-centered that sounds, but this is my truth place.

I’ve learned a level of self-sufficiency and independence. This is comfortable and preferable for me. I do not have to depend on others (because subconsciously and consciously I do not trust them to be there) and others do not depend on me. I am free to use my independence to do the work and care of my choice.

It is my experience that this setup is almost impossible. We humans need other humans and they need us. I have spent many years honing my nurturing skills because I know they are vital. They still compete with my self-sufficiency skills.

I am at my best most nurturing self when I am well rested. I have not slept well lately. I did manage to take a nap today. I feel much better and ready to be the flexible caregiver.

Our friends and family have been wonderfully supportive from a distance, because Covid. Covid adds that extra element of difficulty that makes all of this that much more trying.

My Dad and stepmom sent Mark and I two ‘worry stones’ with the phrase: “One day at a time” on them. That is my current mantra.

How are you with others dependency? Is it comfortable?