Stay connected

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts.

Testimonials

Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Indepthwoman
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.

Join us on Facebook

Are You a Brooder or Over Thinker? How to Overcome This Habit and Move Forward

woman brooding

I’m a brooder or over thinker. I hang on to emotions, memories, failures and perceived injustices for a long time. I know it doesn’t do any good and only keeps me stuck in a bad mood and/or a bad situation.

Brooders tend to be women. It’s a statistical fact. Men are more likely to bottle their emotions and/or gloss over difficult situations and ‘carry on’.

Neither are healthy and wreak havoc on our mood, body and relationships. According to Susan David in her book Emotional Agility:Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life, brooders are more in touch with their emotions which is good (unlike bottlers) but there is a possibility they drown in them.  Ms. David says we circle and hover over our worries and pain and as we do, the emotions pick up more energy with each pass.

We have good intentions. We feel our worrying is at least an effort to address the situation. Maybe when we ruminate on the subject for the 100th time we will figure out a solution? No. This rarely happens and our brooding exhausts us. It takes copious amounts of energy to rehash and rehash.

Does venting help?

Ms. David said venting to our friends doesn’t help either. If we only vent and don’t create any resolution, we are merely co-brooding. This constant need to air emotions and dump heaviness on others wears our loved ones out too.

I want to believe when I approach my loved ones with my worries, that I do so with the intention that we’ll talk it through to a solution. I don’t want to just complain and gripe. I want to figure things out. Empathy is great and appreciated but ultimately, I want action and resolution.

How to stop brooding

When we brood, we lose presence and engagement with the real world. Dour thoughts hijack our minds.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my favorite personal mantras is, “Action dissolves fear.” This mantra usually propels me out of my brooding funk, albeit after an extended period of suffering.

As I mentioned in the last post, Dr. Claire Weekes (Hope and Help for Your Nerves) says to avoid nervous illness we need to be with others in light occupation. This, to me, means we need to get present and engaged with the world around us. Instead of living in our heads, we need to ground ourselves with our senses and relationships. We are not running from our fears, we are engaging our human qualities.

Introverts and highly sensitive people tend to hunker down with thoughts in our heads and minimize interactions with people. Both feed rumination.

Pay attention and relax

I recommend resisting the urge to time travel in your head to the past or the future. Notice your breathing, your environment, how your feet or butt touch a surface. Get out where people are. You don’t have to have a companion or group of friends to go out with. Just get out in the circulation of life. A coffee shop or library will do. Pay attention to nature, your body, something you hear on the radio. Interrupt the circling of injustices and pain. Stopping the over thinking, leads to an openness where possibilities and answers slip in. Possibilities and answers halt brooding.

Are you a brooder? If yes, what helps you stop ruminating? If no, what do you do instead? 

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

 

 

brenda knowles online school

Check out the latest courses on brendaknowles.teachable.com

 Is It Introversion or Insecure Attachment? Why We Withdraw or Distance from Our Partners

If you have wondered why you or your partner drift away from intimacy and togetherness this course will have answers for you. If there is withdrawing or distancing between you and your loved one and you would like understand why, Is It Introversion or Is It Insecure Attachment? will help.

Click the links or images to learn more.
woman turned away

AND

Introverts Explained: Why We Love You but Need a Break from You

Are you or your partner an introvert? Does he get tired and want to go home after a few hours of socializing? Does she seem happy to be intimate one day and need space the next? Introverts Explained can help you gain understanding about yourself or your partner.

Introverts Explained course

 

About the Author:

4 Comments

  1. Anne-Liesse April 1, 2019 at 7:28 am - Reply

    Hello Brenda,

    I love your mantra – I wrote it in my notebook and am going to add it to my mantra cards!

    I’m 47 and have stopped brooding a while ago – I don’t want to waste my life away… Meditation has definitely helped with that, and yoga, and reading or listening to inspirational content, like Brooke Castillo’s podcast for example. There’s nothing like the present moment, and shared moments with loved one.

    Finally, I share your thought on wanting action and resolution when sharing worries. Thanks for putting that into words. I had two frustrating interactions lately when I felt I complained about a situation to friends, but that led nowhere. Maybe I should have stated (more) clearly to them 1/ my need for support, 2/my need for practical advice.

    Love from Lyon, France!

    • Brenda Knowles April 1, 2019 at 9:04 am - Reply

      Thank you for sharing your experience and insight Anne-Liesse. I’m so glad we can connect and learn from each other. Keep on blossoming my French sister!

  2. Wynne N Potter March 30, 2019 at 11:55 am - Reply

    Saw a t-shirt you’d love,

    Hold on!
    Let me
    overthink this!

    • Brenda Knowles April 1, 2019 at 9:03 am - Reply

      I should own that t-shirt. 🙂 Thanks Wynne!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: