Dinner lasted four hours, going through two waitresses, countless water fill-ups and a Chapstick re-application. Even as we stood up to leave the conversation didn’t dwindle. Our ideas and perspectives flowing from our mouths and minds with the effortlessness of breathing. Two intuitives igniting each other in the most collaborative sexy way. I am turned on.
This is my ideal date. The two-way current of communication and attraction is so easy — energy increases rather than depletes. An introvert’s dream.
I’ve been on dates where conversation halts after kid and work stories are shared. We can’t catch a rhythm. Communication is practical (ugh) and fragmented. I fumble around, taking frequent sips of my drink and leaning back in my seat pretending to be comfortable in the silence. I feel inadequate and the opposite of a sparkling conversationalist. A dating nightmare.
What makes the difference?
In my case, intuition. I believe intuition makes it extraordinary. As an INFP (Myers Briggs – Intuitive Intuition Feeling Perception), intuition is the process I use to take in information.
Intuition is a knowing without knowing how you know. It’s ideas, possibilities, big picture and future oriented. Innovators, dreamers, artists, writers and empaths belong to the intuitive club. So do many other types but these individuals gravitate toward the world of associations and unconscious connecting. A place where creativity is enhanced. Between intuitives there is a mutual relating. Mental associations cross-breed creating magnificent hybrids that inspire the other. The ability to feed off of each other’s intuitive expressions is meaningful and nourishing brainstorming. It’s electric and intoxicating.
A key element to compatibility
According to Isabel Briggs Myers’ book, Gifts Differing a study of 375 married couples in the 1950s showed that the way each individual in a marriage takes in or sees information (their perception process) is the most likely function to have in common. People look (mostly unconsciously) for mates who take in the world as they do.
The options for perception being:
1. Through their senses, based on reality, now and facts.
2. Through their intuition, based on associations, the future and ideas.
We all use sensing and intuition ever day, but one is usually preferred or more dominant (just like introversion and extroversion).
Do people who prefer sensing have the same sparks-flying kind of conversations? I can’t answer that, but I imagine they do based on relating and mutual sensual appreciation. They just have more experiential and fact-based discussions.
Are introverts more intuitive?
According to Sophy Burnham bestselling author of The Art of Intuition, intuitive people are often introverted. Intuition is largely unconscious. We, go with our gut or have a hunch, without knowing why. 
Introverts draw energy from our inner worlds of ideas, impressions and emotions. Introverts have more opportunity to tap into the unconscious because we have a natural inclination to spend time in solitude (which is a superb place to access our inner world). Idleness, thoughtfulness and alone time allow the unconscious to surface to consciousness.
We are observers of life. We don’t have to be the center of the action. We prefer to be on the sidelines, paying attention to everything. This gives us the ability to see coincidences and take note. Intuition speaks to us through coincidences and connections. Intuitive people listen to their inner voice rather than ignore it. As keen observers we develop something called, accurate empathy which is a deep connection with others, so much so that we can put ourselves in their shoes with surprising precision.
Busy-ness kills intuition
The introverted aversion to constant stimulation, busy-ness and multi-tasking serves us well when it comes to hearing our intuition. If we aren’t thoughtfully focusing or we spend too much time racing from one task to another, then we will never notice the soft and even insistent voice of intuition speaking to us. Constant running around doesn’t leave any space for intuition to slip in. It’s blocked by constant doing. An introvert’s penchant for slowing down welcomes intuition’s breathy voice.
Ego interrupts intuition. – Danielle LaPorte
When stressed or feeling insecure I focus on details, correctness and dark emotions. Details and big emotions choke intuition. My mind floods with worry and intuition perishes. Disconnection from intuition leaves me with a flat lifeless feeling. No spark.
I have a friend who doesn’t like me to offer suggestions or possibilities when she is feeling down. She simply wants a listening ear. I often feel like she is stewing in her own frustrations, disconnected from her intuition which could give her fresh possibilities and potential future happiness. Because of accurate empathy I feel her sadness but because of her shutting down of my intuitive ideas I have no outlet to help her. We both end up frustrated.
Dating intuitively
I’ve learned to trust my instincts when it comes to dating. I have found that readers, writers, movie/TV buffs and story lovers have the most potential for intuitive collaboration and mind-blowing conversations.
I’ve learned a mutual intuitive relatability is mind-blowing in other realms as well, such as in the bedroom. Intuitives tend to make leaps in understanding rather than moving logically step by step to a conclusion. We take a bit of information and run with it. We don’t need detailed instructions. Do you see where I’m going with this?;)
If a man can’t see the beauty in dreaming, spending time in quiet or following his passion then we most likely aren’t intuitively or introspectively compatible.
How intuitive are you? Do you see possibilities or details? How do you access your intuition? Have you experienced the miracle of expansive, nourishing conversations that could go on for hours?
If you loved, Turned on by Intuition…, you may also love:
The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo?
Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away From You
How to Reconnect: Maintaining Sexual Interest, Engagement and Identity in Your Relationship
Someone All Introverts Should Know: Brenda Ueland on Solitude, Creativity and Relationships
10 Things Highly Intuitive People Do Differently (Huffington Post)
I do truly believe love can conquer all. I have seen it conquer many things in peoples lives. There is only one problem though, it requires both people to truly be in love and not just one of them.
I agree. Both need to at least be willing to work on caring, loving and comforting each other.
Great post, and I have to say I empathize and identify with your friend who simply wants to be heard when she’s down. Maybe in those moments she is simply not able to receive any input, no matter how wise or well meaning. I’m curious why being present with her, without offering intuitive advice, feels so frustrating? Presence and witnessing another is what often shifts a situation on its own and, yes, this can be difficult.
You’re right Ilona. Sometimes we can’t take anymore input from others. For me, the frustrating part comes in when there is frequent listening and witnessing to the same issues without any resolution. But, we need to be patient with those we love. I know this.
Ah…I get it now: when the same issues repeat, I have a hard time standing by, too, as it can feel like I’m a sounding board or worse, a dump. Sometimes I’ve told people that I’m no longer available to listen to them on those issues. I think it’s also loving to ourselves to set those boundaries as kindly as possible.
This reminds me of a wonderful quote from the “Big Book” (Alcoholics Anonymous) about intuition: “In thinking about our day we may face indecision…. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind.” I like that last phrase. Your post adds the interpersonal dimension of intuition.
Also, just curious: What do you think of this post by Michael Hyatt, who describes introversion as a “preference”: http://michaelhyatt.com/limiting-beliefs.html
I do think we learn how to harness the powers of intuition. We start listening better, notice coincidences more, as we relax we give ourselves the space to hear and see the answers. That willingness to let go and let God cover it lets our shoulders relax and our hearts and minds open to whatever may come.
I don’t think introversion is a preference but I do think as we age we become more and more able to use all of our functions and attitudes (intuition, sensing, thinking, feeling, introversion, extroversion) at appropriate times. We become more whole psychologically and spiritually. I can choose to extrovert for a project I value deeply but I will always be an introvert at my core. Thanks for the awesome question Doug. Hope you things are spectacular in your world!
(Help! I’m surrounded by S’s!)
How deeply refreshing to read… I feel like you “get” me, and I didn’t even have to say anything! Must be an INFP thing.
Intuition is definitely the special sauce and the common denominator in those few, precious souls who have an all-access, VIP pass into my ever-expanding imagination.
So I agree with you where the opposite sex is concerned : intuition is an absolute turn-on.
All of the possibilities and associations that intuition provides… so very yummy. We don’t need to explain everything in detail. Other intuitives keep up. Sensing folks can be exciting with their appreciation and grounding in the sensual of here and now, but realistic and factual is harder for me to stick with for long.
Dream on fellow INFP.:)
My first thought to this post was: I guess that one reason I (introvert) married my husband (not sure if he’s intro or extro) because we used to have such fun conversations together. We’d chat for 2 or 3 hours at the bar over a few pints and it was so much fun. We’d walk out chatting, get into the car still chatting…… But then we got married, he started drinking heavily at home, frequenting the bar more often, and that resulted in me staying away from alcohol altogether and avoiding him. In turn, we ended up never having these fun chats again because he was always drunk/asleep on the couch/at the bar. So I left him. (Currently separated and most likely will divorce.)
I miss talking…..I miss connecting…..I miss being listened to….I miss being appreciated and respected…..I miss feeling like I matter to someone. All my life I’ve gravitated towards “opposites attract” and it’s time to change directions…..I married the wrong person and love does NOT conquer all. And now I have to start all over again, and I’m not happy about it. I would probably refuse to date ever again, except I don’t want to die alone….I want to feel valued and needed. I have my hopes up too high already, especially since it’s extremely hard for me to meet quality people.
It sounds like alcohol was a key element leading to the disconnection between you and your husband. It’s too bad drinking to excess put a stopper in your beautifully fluid conversations.
You know you are capable of such bubbly connecting. It will happen again. Be open to it. There is nothing more intoxicating in my mind than a rhythmic and inspiring conversation. Don’t write off those heady experiences November. Hold your head up high. I think the crucial trick to finding love and listening again is to not need it. Make your own happiness for a while. Make new friends, go new places, try new things. Light yourself up.:) I bet you’re gorgeous and expressive when you are in the right environment. It’s probably what attracted your husband to you in the first place.
Big hug. I’ve been there.
A fellow INFP
Loved this blog
“We can’t catch a Rythmn”. Yes that’s exactly how it is sometimes. Wouldn’t have known quite how to describe it. Thank you!
I love the singsongy conversations where back and forth is easy. Rhythmless talk is effortful as I feel responsible to make it work. INFP sisters!:)
Oh yes me too!