artwork by Marcelo Monreal
I recently figured out one of my super powers. Introverted intuition.
I took a personality assessment (for the millionth time) on the Personality Hacker website and came up an INFJ in the Myers Briggs type indicator. I sincerely go back and forth between INFJ and INFP. I know purists will say I have to narrow it down to one, but I can’t. That said, I’ve been feeling more INFJ lately. I actually think I am developing into or back to a ‘J’, but that’s another post. If I am an INFJ, then my dominant mental process is introverted intuition (Ni). Personality Hacker has a nickname for Ni. It’s Perspectives.
Perspectives is the least represented and most misunderstood mental process , which is why I feel like an outsider sometimes. It’s how I take in the world and learn. I will attempt to explain it.
What is introverted intuition?
First of all, everyone uses this process but those with a strong preference for it go to it more naturally, more comfortably and more often. Introverted intuition is speculative but surprisingly accurate thinking. It’s seeing patterns and meaning behind everything. It’s seeing all perspectives in a situation. It’s constantly asking yourself, “Where have I seen or felt this before?” and “What does this really mean?” It allows those with its preference to predict movement. We can see where things are headed rather quickly. Introverted intuition users are future and concept oriented. We can see why certain things make sense to one person but not to others (the basis of Myers Briggs, yes?). We constantly make associations between things based on patterns and observations we’ve stored in our heads over a lifetime. We comb our minds for insight and new information derived from two separate ideas coming together in an epiphanic explosion.
I often engage introverted intuition while exercising by myself, taking a shower, driving with music on, reading, daydreaming, etc.
Because this process is my dominant and favorite function, it is a gateway to a state of flow; that rich, effortless and creative state I mentioned in, Figuring Out Your Triggers for a Rich Life: How the Flow State Sparks Intrinsic Motivation. If I don’t get enough opportunities to use Ni, I feel low and depleted.
What’s the enemy of intuition?
How to set up my life to get the most benefit out of my super power? According to Personality Hacker, ” The enemy of Perspectives is distraction. Perspectives is a delicate process, and requires as much sensory deprivation as you can afford to give to it.”
Can you see why writing is a good fit for this mental process? Writers thrive on quiet uninterrupted time. Phones ringing and children yelling rip the writer’s attention away just as they are about to make a beautiful connection between the story’s plot and the protagonist’s childhood. It’s time consuming and draining to work to get back to that deep level of concentration.
I literally sit in front of my laptop and wait for ideas to bump into each other and make something of themselves.
When you’re not connecting
Something interesting I’ve learned is that introverted intuition also plays a part in my romantic relationships. My man and I recently went through a time when we weren’t, in my opinion, connecting. We were busy doing practical things like home maintenance and errand running. We spent time with family and friends and worked through stressful situations outside of our relationship. None of this allowed for much sensory deprivation and deep emotional intimacy.
I’ve come to believe my man is an ISTP or an ESTP in Myers Briggs typology, which is different than the INTJ I thought he was when I wrote, Ms. Deeply Feeling Loves Mr. Intensely Logical: How to Make a Thinker Feeler Relationship Work. Guess what mental process my guy favors? Extroverted sensing (Se), the opposite of introverted intuition (Ni), which means he likes to interact constantly with his environment. Those with extroverted sensing preferences are very “in the moment” and primarily trust and like information that comes directly through their senses. They assess situations quickly and determine the most efficient ways to handle them. They have a tough time seeing other’s perspectives because they aren’t easily interpreted by their senses. They like adrenaline based experiences and physical activity. My man loves to fix things, garden, fly-fish, hike, ride bikes, lift weights, etc. He used to fly Black Hawk helicopters for a living. I find him and those things very attractive. He is all of that and incredibly loving, interesting, easy to talk with and thoughtful too. I adore him and … we’re different.
What happens when an introvert spends too much time engaging with her outer world?
Unfortunately, activities that give extroverted sensors the most energy, dim introverted intuition. It’s practically one or the other for me. I wonder if it’s the same for him in reverse? Hmmm.
Constantly interacting with my outside environment —while fun and exhilarating and good for tempering my overactive mind — leaves me depleted if I don’t get enough down time to go internal and use my intuition.
When my guy and I are together we usually do a mix of activities — everything from errands, to talking on the couch, to sex. I’ve found I’m filled up and energized by alone time with him, especially if we share thoughts and intimacy. I also feel great being with him, family and friends, especially if we engage in new or exciting activities and/or the conversations rise above small talk.
In need of a dog and introvert whisperer
I’ve found I get particularly drained when my man’s dog is with us. I know I’m going to upset all the dog lovers but this is my truth and I’m struggling with it. The dog is a Border Collie/American Eskimo mix. He’s an amazing watchdog and companion. He’s my man’s true buddy. He’s very smart, vigilant and high-energy. When I want to get into a movie with my man he is there with a squeaky ball wanting to play. When I’m sipping my tea and reading on a Sunday morning, he is there with the squeaky ball wanting to play. When we try to talk at the dinner table or on the couch he often whines or asks for attention. When we kiss he barks, the whole time. His bark is so startling it almost puts me in fight or flight mode.
I can never fully get into that delicious introverted intuition flow-state of intimacy and engagement with my man when the dog is watching and waiting for attention. For me, it’s like having a small child around again. It’s hard for a sensitive woman/mother to ignore a child. My man, who loves to interact with his outer world, does not mind these interruptions at all.
What does quality time look like to you?
While pondering our differences, I ran across the definitions for Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages again. These languages are the ways you prefer to receive love. My top two love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. My man’s are Physical Touch and Quality Time. I always thought it was a bonus that we both view quality time as important to a relationship. Quality time is spending time in each other’s presence. My vision of quality time involves focused, undivided attention and high quality conversation. My guy’s vision is doing things (including talking) just the two of us or with others. He still felt connected with me because distractions, others and busy-ness don’t phase him, in fact much of the time he is in his element.
I felt disconnected from my man because we hadn’t had my version of quality time in a while. I never knew his definition of quality time until I asked the other day. What we learned was how to speak each other’s language. If we want to get to a place of deep fulfillment together, we are going to have to know how to say “I love you” in our partner’s language.
Connected again
The other night we had the perfect evening. My man left his dog at home. We went for a walk on the trails behind my house. We went out for dinner at a Thai restaurant (we both love food, cooking, dining out), where we held hands and talked easily. We returned home and talked on the couch for a while. No interruptions. My mind was so happy. We went to bed and made love. We were both happy.;)
Are you more engaged with your inner world or your outer world? Do you need a lot of quiet time without distractions in order to get filled up? If so, how has that affected your intimate relationships? What does quality time look like to you?
*If any of you have tips about how to help me tolerate the dog or how to train the dog to relax at my house, I’d greatly appreciate your input. For now, my man is only bringing him over when my kids are present. His energy is then diffused among all of us and feels more manageable to me.
Brenda – I know you don’t hate dogs! I should’ve referenced that I was directing my comment at the lady who said she hates dogs and not you!
I agree, collies are very energetic and could bounce around all day if you let them! I’m a Labrador Lady…I love the older guys that just like to sleep and one walk a day suits them just fine! I am an INFJ, I need a mellow dog!
Yes, Meg a mellow dog. That’s what I need. I’ve loved golden retrievers in the past. 🙂
I am a HUGE dog lover – it pains me to hear someone say they hate dogs, but I hate cats so I guess we’re even!
As far as the problem with your boyfriends dog, it sounds like the dog needs more exercise! Why not take the dog got a long walk before you settle in for dinner or watching a movie? My family and I have fostered over 40 dogs and I can tell you, without a doubt, that most dogs do not get enough exercise. Dogs like to play, can you blame ten? They’re usually home alone while their person is at work, so after sitting around all day, they NEED stimulation. Notice I said need, not want! Like people, they need stimulation or they get bored. I think walking the dog together will be a win-win for all of you! Good luck!
Thank you Megan. I don’t hate dogs. I have never had a real problem with any in the past. I grew up with dogs. I think I just enjoy the calmer, quieter breeds more. I agree a walk or some ball throwing in the back yard do help my boyfriend’s dog calm down. His border collie breed needs A LOT of exercise. They have a lot of energy. My boyfriend takes him to the dog park twice a day and there is a doggie door for him to have access to a yard throughout the day. Thank you again for your input Megan. We will try to work in more dog walks. 🙂
Wow, thank you. This was the very post I needed.
First things first: I hate dogs. I really sorry you have to deal with this; I know I couldn’t. When I was growing up and also when my kids were young we always had a cat or two but never a dog. I’ve never cared for other people’s dogs. When I first started dating my current (2nd) husband over 30 years ago I made it very clear from the beginning that I would leave instantly if he ever got a dog. (I realized I needed to say this after he told me numerous stories about the various dogs he’d had in the past. Luckily he didn’t have a dog when we met.) I must have made my position abundantly clear because we’ve never had another discussion about it.
I’m without a doubt an INTP rather than your type but although I wasn’t familiar with the term, what you described as “introverted intuition” is definitely my secret power. My first husband, also an INTP, had his flaws but one great thing was that he had this saying that I (that is me, not him) “was always right.” What he meant was that he somehow knew I was almost always right when I’d suddenly say something seemingly out of nowhere (often surprising even to me) and he always took these things seriously with no argument. Unfortunately my current husband, an ENTJ, just doesn’t get it despite numerous (and sometimes unfortunate) experiences to the contrary.
What you wrote that I find most important was the part about “extroverted sensing” which I think describes my husband and might be why he can’t see my perspective and my need for real solitude. I think I understand and accept that he has a different perspective from me but I also need him to understand mine.
Hi PeggySu:) It’s great that you made your feelings regarding dogs clear to your husband. There have been dogs in the past that I loved. As an introvert, the energy of the super active barking dogs is what bothers me. I also think Avyanna nailed it when she said that rewarding dogs with attention all the time makes them seek it out. When I’ve watched my boyfriend’s dog by myself, the dog was calmer. I didn’t reward him with attention every time he looked at me. He’s my boyfriend’s constant companion and my boyfriend is an extrovert so he doesn’t mind interacting all the time.
As an INTP you would have extroverted intuition as your auxiliary function or 2nd strongest preference. You are probably good at brainstorming and seeing all the possibilities. Ne types also like to explore their outer world. Your introverted thinking (Ti) dominant function would help you narrow down ideas by using accuracy and logic. Your husband as an ENTJ would have introverted intuition as his auxiliary function and extroverted thinking as his dominant function. ENTJs like to be in charge which might explain his reluctance to see how right you are.:) Just the fact that he’s an extrovert also might make it tough for him to understand your need for solitude. Te types also focus on making everything the most efficient and effective. They see everything, including people, as a resource to be used effectively. They are more objective than subjective, whereas your Ti is more subjective – you check in with your own internal logic first. I hope that helps to explain your types a little more. Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate you input.
Hello, again. I am a dog also an INFJ, Empath, Introvert, HSP AND Dog Lover.
In fact, I run an Animal Rescue. I love all my animals and have saved each and every one of them be it through Euthanasia at the Dog Pound or finding them in the Desert where they were dropped off unwanted by their owners to become Coyote food.
I know EXACTLY what you mean though when speaking of your Partner’s dog.
Though I love all of my animals dearly, I cannot get into a state of flow nor recharge if they are in attention seeking mode from me. It does break my focus and attention and I’ve noticed the older I get the longer and more difficult it is to refocus my monkey mind again 🙂
Being I know how I am and knowing I cannot fully relax or recharge I have a set playtime with them and throughout the day give them each individual attention and love therefore they don’t seek it.
I am the only one who can walk through the house, even at midnight, and they will not be disturbed, nor seek my attention or bark.
But if it is anyone else in my household and they go nuts with barking because they know they will be rewarded with attention.
I’m drained at the end of the day. My husband knows this, but very often forgets.
He will come home from work, the dogs will go nuts with barking because they know when he walks through that door it is playtime.
That in and of itself is not a problem per se.
The problem is that this is at 8-8:30pm at night. My bedtime is 9pm at night and he gets them worked up into such a state of frenzy when they should be settling in for the night. (I would love to see what my husband’s personality type is because he goes to bed shortly after and this ruckus doesn’t seem to bother him in the least.).
With communication and understanding he’s since has come to recognize my need for peace in the evening before bedtime and that I’m not just being a “meanie”. I’ve also learn to respect him and his need for that connection with the dogs so I leave the room and let him enjoy them.
Thank you very much Avyanna for your insight. I like that you and your husband have an understanding about how you both work with the dogs at night. My man and I are working out ways to accommodate his dog in our relationship. I do want to say that I like dogs and grew loving and living with them. I don’t remember them bothering me. I think your point about them not barking at you because you don’t reward them with attention hit the nail on the head. My boyfriend sounds more like your husband. He takes every opportunity to reward this dog with attention. Again, thank you for sharing your experience. It gave me some further understanding. 🙂
My inter-world is everything to me and I relish the little time I can spend there. When I have a day off and I get to spend it at home binging on comfort food and watching movies is my mental vacation. When I’m in the car my mind is on autopilot because I’m so intensely forcused on putting 2 & 2 together, I honesty don’t know how I make it to my planned destinations. I’m an INFJ as well and I do believe I’m noise sensitive, anything that takes me out of my deep concentration or my “ah-ha moment” it virtually impossible to get back there. Now as far as relationships goes, that’s a horse of a different color.
Thank you for sharing SLJ88. INFJs are a fascinating and complex type. I’m striving to embrace all of the facets of me but not always easy. Care to elaborate on the relationship comment?
As another highly sensitive INFJ, I am definitely more engaged with my inner world than anyone else I have ever known, and I have almost always instinctively honored my extremely high needs for solitude and reflective processing (although finally learning about the legitimacy of these needs was very validating, and helped relieve the tinge of guilt I once felt about having them, particularly in the context of being in a relationship). Most people generally seemed astounded (and/or appalled) upon learning that in all of my twice-yearly tropical vacations over the past 30 years (all of which have revolved around my passion for nature, mostly in the form of jungle exploration and snorkeling/scuba diving), I have been alone for nearly all of them (my ISTJ husband of 20+ years did visit Cozumel, Mexico with me on 2 occasions). And this was by my choice; I have always loved being immersed in the awe-inspiring experience of deeply connecting with nature (and my spirituality and sensuality) in solitude, and find other people a huge distraction. (So much so, in fact, that November 15 of 2011 officially marked the the first and only time that I have ever felt genuinely happy to see another person in the forest, and that was only after spending a night deep in the jungle of the Peruvian Amazon after getting lost on a solo hike!) :-0
After choosing to retire early from a highly satisfying (but also emotionally taxing) 25-year career as a psychotherapist 4 years ago, I have consciously structured my life even more fully around my needs for solitude and reflection, which also seems to blow most people’s minds, particularly Sensor types – “But what do you DO all day?”, as not socializing, working or being ‘productive’ seems somehow decadent/sinful to them. But I feel that I’ve fully ‘earned’ my solitude and relaxation, and I gratefully enjoy my daydreaming, reading, learning, nature walks, and just being, feeling my connection to the immanent Divine. And I make absolutely no apologies for being who I am, or for enjoying what I enjoy.
I love how you own your natural and most satisfying way of being. It truly is not an easy thing to do. We are so often questioned and misunderstood when it comes to requiring solitude and time to meld and incubate ideas. You’re my hero Ann. I’m learning how to accept my needs and teach others to do the same. Here’s an article I’m sharing later this week on social media. Is Solitude the Secret to Unlocking Our Creativity? I think you’ll enjoy it immensely. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing that excellent article, Brenda – I did indeed enjoy it immensely.
And thank you for your kind response – I so appreciate your lovely authenticity, which really shines through and informs your exceptionally impactful writing. I find your willingness to candidly and publicly share your vulnerable feelings, struggles and innermost thoughts to be incredibly poignant and courageous (and of great benefit to others), and your obvious love and respect for the unique personhood of each of your children (despite their inability to reciprocate this or to fully comprehend what a rare treasure you truly are, at least at this point in their lives) is also highly moving to me.
You are a true hero as well, Brenda, and your unique gifts are evident and admired by those of us with the capacity to appreciate them. Thank you for sharing them.
May you know the gift that you are, just by being yourself.
Lisa
You’re my hero.
whoops… i meant that one for the retired psychotherapist above…
@Brenda… you’re kinda cool, too. 🙂
Aww thanks for worrying about my ego Brett.:)
🙂