If you cannot feel me through my written words
Then you will never grasp me in person
For my words are the architecture of my inner most parts.
Secret things hung out to dry in front of you. —Scaffold of Words, The Impetaurian
Francesca Woodman, Untitled, New York, 1979-1980. Gelatin silver print. Francesca Woodman page via Artsy https://www.artsy.net/artist/francesca-woodman
I usually keep space2live a secret in the beginning of a romantic relationship. I do this for two reasons:
1. I don’t want the gentleman to zero in on the more sensual posts and see me primarily in a sexual light. I want him to experience all of me first, not just one elegant facet.
2. I don’t want him to know me so deeply… yet. I want to be known externally — the way I move, the tone of my voice, what I have to say, who I am on the outside — before I’m known internally. Internal is so intimate. The equivalent of kissing me on the mouth in the morning or watching me undress.
Within the words of space2live I am naked. I rarely filter my flaws and fears. I unabashedly share my desires. I speak of sensuality, shame and solitude, topics uncommon to daily conversation.
And yet, I have found the reading of my writing to be a litmus test with telling results.
Go deeper now, later or never
Those who delve in, learn and question, are instantly closer to knowing my uncovered curves and inner warmth. If they express an enthusiasm for my written words, I feel erotically understood and lit up. For them, I have shape and depth with or without speaking. My writing is the background to what I say and do in person. I don’t have to succinctly describe my every thought, dream or idea out loud, which is a blessing because big beautiful concepts are so difficult to verbalize. They must be carved from vast blocks of input and meaning. Writing allows for such crafting. Writing allows for edited thought before presentation, an introvert’s dream.
If a man reads my posts and responds with, Interesting or I liked it and nothing more, then I know our connection will remain on the surface. There will be limited penetration of each other’s internal worlds. Our relationship will consist of lively activities (which I do enjoy) and frequent texts but little depth and gratifying growth. We could explore our core differences and similarities but they won’t want to go that far.They will know me but not have an interest in understanding me. They will memorize my information but not relate to me. I will want more. Always looking for that internal combustion. The fiery spark of going deeper and eliminating boundaries.
I realize my written output will turn some off.
I also realize it is unreasonable to expect instant rapport and candid reactions, such vulnerability takes time and courage. I have learned most individuals have walls of protection surrounding their soft inner beings. Those walls provide an architecture antithetical to intimacy. I have found that for some, space2live offers a safe space —a structure of honest words written by someone sensitive — where internal walls come down.
Writing gives depth, courage, a personality
Writing gives me depth, richness, a personality even. Before I started writing, I was a flat version of myself. So much unexpressed. Thinking back, I can only recall one person who knew my real internal self prior to my foray into writing. Writing taps something inside of me and gives me a strength I was previously missing.
Writing is a direct translation of my inner voice. It’s my first language.
Because of my intense self-analyzing through reading and writing, I am more comfortable and expressive verbally with regards to emotional connection. True, I am most eloquent in my head, but in this realm a certain flow of story and sharing is possible. Rather than trickling out slowly with poor formatting, ideas and words gush from my mouth. Relationship talk is easy. It’s an area in my wheelhouse and I adore it. It’s my internal world brought to light first through writing and now through spoken words. Without the support and structure of my written word practice I’m not sure I could be so outwardly intimate.
Do you have an outlet for intimacy? Is it spoken, written, carved, sculpted, painted, sung, delivered through touch? What gives you depth?
If Communicating as an Introvert… spoke to you, then you may also enjoy:
3 Elements of Exquisite Sex and Divine Writing
Permission to be Vulnerable = Permission to Awaken = Permission to Evolve
How Much Are You Willing to Reveal?:Daring to Be Vulnerable
Someone All Introverts Should Know: Brenda Ueland on Solitude, Creativity and Relationships
The Truth Behind My Writing Inspiration and Process
A thank you for you Brenda:
http://sunflowersolacefarm.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/mid-week-musings-reader-thank-you/
You’re awesome!! Thank you for the thank you.;) It’s always my pleasure to read and share your work.
A blog is not quite a private journal, so this comment is a little off topic, but I have to share my personal story. My ex-fiancee used to use my laptop and one day opened it to find my PERSONAL journal (my mistake). And he read the whole thing (I’m VERY windy…5 pages a day of glorious rambling, if I let myself)…..and didn’t tell me until months later. There was a LOT of complaining about him and his awesome family (awesome people CAN be annoying) in my journal (because I don’t know how to let go or how to communicate with people when they do something negative). And it had a huge impact on him…..we should have broken up then, but it stretched on another year.
I like space2live because of the anonymous posting. I don’t have to share my name, which could be traced back to FB and viewed by all the people in my life. Here, I can post my feelings without fear. Maybe I will get an answer that helps me. Or maybe MY post will help SOMEONE ELSE. Either way, it’s positive.
But I still communicate best with the written word. When I speak, things come out in random blurts (which can be fun)…..I have a girlfriend who is the same way, she can’t seem to find words sometimes, and she resorts to “filler” like “whatnot” and “so he sat there and he….”. I think she’s an introvert like me. And thankfully, I know her well enough that I can “read between her lines” and know what she means by these fluff words, and we can communicate without the proper words. I think our brains move too fast for our tongues and sometimes even our fingers. We have so much that zips through our heads, and we think ALL of it is EXTREMELY important and can HELP someone SOMEhow……we just want to get it all out. (She and I were both raised by mothers with mental illness who treated us poorly and rejected us when we tried to confide in them, and we both chose books/reading as a way to escape.)
Long story short: I write the way I wish I could speak.
You do write well! I always understand your message or point.:) I’m glad space2live serves as an outlet for posting your feelings. Post away!
I have notebooks filled with journaling under my bed. I suppose I should get rid of them because if my kids read them they could be potentially damaging. Like you, I had to have some place to put all of my negative/frustrated feelings.
Thanks for supporting and sharing so much on space2live. So glad you’re here.:)
Very interesting. I have an easy time writing, but a much more difficult time actually articulating ideas or expressing feelings out loud. Good to see that writing has helped you in that area!
It definitely has. I still am way more at ease writing than speaking but in the right arenas (and with proper sleep and encouragement) I can shine a little.:) I have found that I am much better at sharing what I love than debating or arguing a point. I’m not quick on my feet.
I love your tag line on your blog – Exist better. Yes!
Thank you!
Good lord, girl. You’ll soon surpass Anais Nin at the rate you’re going! She may have been batting well over .300, too, on topics like this. More like .1000…
BTW, I had to look up the word “wheelhouse” and enjoyed the immediate revelation … I don’t have to be a baseball fan to know that you really knocked this one out of the park.
I have to be honest. My ego loved being compared to Anais Nin.:) She’s a beautiful hero of mine.
My ex-husband used to use the word ‘wheelhouse’ in conversation. He picked it up at work – investment banking lingo. I looked it up and was delighted to find it actually has a more metaphorical/poetic definition than I thought. A shelter for the person at the wheel. Nice.:)
Thank you for your kind compliments Brett.
I don’t write, but I do read. The sharing of a common theme, a blog, an idea. That speaks of an intimacy of the mind. A friend became a close friend because of a mutually loved book.
My own creative outlet (outside of my analytical left brained entrapment) is to play the piano, which I have been doing since age 11. There are only 3 people I can play in front of without sweating, going bright red and having palpitations. One knows me very intimately…the other two share intimacy of the mind 🙂
Yes!! Books do create beautiful mind intimacy between people as well. I’ve experienced that many times. So lovely.:)
I love that you play the piano. That’s a wonderful outlet. I know exactly what you mean about only feeling comfortable with certain people watching. When I took guitar lessons my hands used to shake when I was watched while playing. Sweating too.;) Eeek. I’m not sure there was anyone I could play in front of. Awesome that you have people intimate enough to share your gift with.
Awesome!! You captured the sense so many of us feel.
Thank you Kimberly! Writer-types are so wonderful.:)
You have described my inner life so accurately in this post. There is that hidden mysterious part of me few will ever know or want to know.
I would like to know what does a intuitive feeling introvert include in his or her dating profile? I wonder if I reveal too much in mine?
It’s been a while since I updated my profile. I always like to list the things I love. I make sure it is an eclectic and thoughtful list (reading,good fitting pair of jeans, TedTalks, kissing, lemon meringue pie…). I often add that I am OK being alone but I make sure they know I am a people person as well. It’s always a challenge to make others understand that need for solitude is mixed with a desire to care connect with others.
I try to leave a little mystery but also be uniquely expressive. I want to spark curiosity.:)
Writing has to be my first choice. Especially now. I have brain fog, so speaking often leaves me grasping for the right word that I know is there somewhere. In writing, I can take my time and find the right word, if that makes sense.
Absolutely! If I am tired or overstimulated it takes me longer to find and speak words. Writing is so patient and so easy to edit.:)
I am the same way. When put on the spot (even with a question from my therapist, on the couch), I go blank. My mind can’t go past the eloquence of a 3-year-old. But when in front of a screen, with the opportunity to re-read my thoughts…..things come out a LOT clearer.
I’ve tried to give people my thoughts in writing, in order to clue them in on what’s REALLY going on with me, and they either 1) take it the wrong way or 2) they have no comments (or can only nod).
So, I just draw deeper into my shell of not being able to communicate with people. At least it’s safe there. 🙂
I always think of the best points or funniest lines hours after I leave a conversation. My ex-husband is a quick thinker. He always had a comeback or quantifiable answer to every statement or question. I was better at understanding people’s feelings. We all have our gifts. 🙂
Brenda, what a marvelous run with this post. Are we channeling each other’s thoughts?
This entire post is beautifully written, but this really connected…”If they express an enthusiasm for my written words, I feel erotically understood and lit up. For them, I have shape and depth with or without speaking. My writing is the background to what I say and do in person…” So well said!
All of my closest friends came to me through my writing, some as far back as over ten years ago, when I just played at it publicly, often just posting on forums on shared topics of interest. It takes a lot of time for me to be able to communicate well verbally, about deep topics, with someone. The bonds forged from my writing have withstood years of time, and speak to the true connections they represent.
To have a partner sometime in the future that grasped me in this manner, might make my heart burst 🙂
Keep writing, we love ya, foibles and all!
~SE
Thank you for the inspiration!! I loved the imagery and message in your poem. I, too, have several very dear friends I met through writing. I think writing fosters a kind of openness and kinship that we don’t always find in other environments. Writing is a wondrous way to connect – so many layers can be represented. It often feels safer than speaking.
Having a partner that grasps my writing and therefore my inner self would be so lovely!! Cheers to our search!;)
I’m rooting for you in all endeavors.