Emotions can consume introverts. Elation and euphoria are felt intensely and deeply, so are disappointment and devastation. The sparkly, glittery great times are not a problem, of course. It’s the frustrating, overloaded, on-the-way-to-overwhelm times, that trip us up.
I am a firm believer that we are responsible for our own well-being. I’ve written about making your own happiness, independence, love and security. As much as I’d like to say I’ve mastered the art of self-fulfillment, I can’t. I still look to outside sources for company/attention/joy/love/approval/support. I still learn something every day. I suspect this is how it goes forever. As I stumble and learn, I share with you. I get deep satisfaction from that. It makes the idiocy and pain tolerable. It makes my heart and life expansive. The more I share, the more I have to give. Nifty.
More wisdom plucked from recent floundering
I’m going to let you in on two more little secrets that get me through the ruminating sh*tty times.
1. I’m open to everything changing in an instant.
2. I’m open to the exact opposite of what I see as the truth at the time.
Last weekend I had one of those kind of days where I felt like I was losing at every turn. My kids complained/fought/demanded like tyrants, which made me not like them very much, which made me not like me very much. My love life felt unstable. My house with its inability to sell and never-ending responsibilities weighed on me. My air conditioning was on the fritz. My summer was filling up with un-fun activities and a writing opportunity seemed to have slipped through my fingers.
I was feeling trapped and down. Fortunately, a tiny 
spark from a corner of my mind reminded me that just as things can go in the crapper in a hurry, things can go your way just as quickly. You have to be open to the upswing. It’s far easier to spiral downward than cycle up into lightness.
Buddhist nun, author and teacher, Pema Chrodron, says we are the sky and everything else is the weather. Emotions are like clouds. Everything passes through. Over and over again I have found this to be true. My track record for surviving difficult times is 100%.
I gritted my teeth and silently begged for the damn lousy weather to pass through faster.
I looked for signs that the winds were changing… and found them.
I took the kids to the movies and they were happy for two hours. Ding! My kids aren’t so bad.
My dad called and patiently listened to me kvetch. Ding! Catharsis, relief, I am loved.
A new recipe I made went over well. Ding! I am competent.
I received an email assuring me that my writing opportunity was still a go. Ding! I am competent in a different arena.
What if we look at this backwards, upside down or from the opposite perspective?
I refuse to stew in the same sad/mad/bad feelings for too long. A good friend of mine gets angry with me because when she is feeling mad or sad I always give her the bright side of things or I dole out possibilities for future happiness. She wants to stay surly and fume about how she was wronged. I want her to see the potential for different opportunities.
Perhaps it’s my intuitive way of perceiving things (Myers Briggs INFP). I can’t help but look forward. I also have a fairly adaptable temperament. If something doesn’t work, I switch gears.
Synchrodestiny: a constant state of connecting with all the possibilities that are.
In Gretchen Rubin’s book, Happier at Home, she talks about how we love to make arguments to justify a position but the truth is we can make arguments for the exact opposite stance if we really want to. For example, I could say, I’m a quiet person in a group and then I could list several instances when I was not talkative in a group setting. I could also say, I am very expressive in a group and come up with several examples of when I shared openly within a gathering of people.
The trick is to employ and fortify the positive argument more than the negative. In the case of my sucky Sunday, instead of thinking, My kids aren’t very thoughtful, I turned it around and thought, My kids ARE thoughtful. I then searched for examples of kid cooperation. I remembered how my middle son got everyone in the car to go to the park. I remembered how my daughter always hugs me at just the right time. I recalled my oldest son supporting a statement I made earlier that day. This shift in thinking starts a chain reaction. It moves energy around and creates a new paradigm.
Neuropsychiatrist, Dan Siegel, says that it only takes 90 seconds to shift out of a mood state. If you can change your thought pattern for 90 seconds your emotions will arise and fall like a wave on the shore.
Emotions don’t have to consume. Just let them pass through.
Do you have any wise tricks that help you prevent emotional paralysis? When was the last time you managed/embraced your feelings and expanded?
If Introvert Rising… spoke to you, then you may also love:
How to Protect and Liberate Your Energy:A Guide for Introverts and Anyone Who Feels Drained
Reframing Emptiness: Gaining Perspective When a Relationship Ends
Introvert Exhausted: Counteracting the Drain of Emotions, Sugar and People
The Introvert Survival Kit: The Must Haves for Meaningful Living as an Introvert
Brenda,
I am going through a sucky break up. All kinds of thoughts like what was good, bad … everything goes in my head… It just becomes so overwhelming at times… Ur post was what I needed to read!! Thank u so much … I will try and shift my gears!!..
Also, cud u please write a post on why should a person love himself… why should he be a center of his/her life.. I really want to love myself but never get a reason to do that..
Thanks a tonne dear..
Dear Hopeful, I am so glad my post offered you encouragement as your head and heart spin. I’m sorry to hear of your breakup. I know how it’s very easy for emotions to flood our minds. Take a deep breath. Take time to learn from the relationship and then do all kinds of loving things for yourself. When was the last time you read for hours uninterrupted? Traveled freely? These are just suggestions I’m sure you have a personal list of activities or pleasures that could be tapped.
Thank you very much for the writing idea. I have been working on something along the lines of what you requested. I’ll do my best to bring it to fruition.:) Hugs to you. You’re going to survive and thrive again, know that.:)
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People like me don’t want to stay surly and fume. They just can’t all flip on dime and have processed everything in order to be open to change in an instant the way that you do. Some people like me have to process what is occurring before they can begin to get over it even if it is rocky. I actually get anxieties if I don’t let my body and mind bounce back before I start looking at new possibilities. The time it takes to change gears or start looking to change gears is not the same for everybody, so it shouldn’t be confused it with wanting versus needing.
I would never want you to get more anxious by moving forward too quickly. I just don’t think simmering in the negative is productive either. I’ve actually been yelled at for offering positive alternatives. We have two different approaches to recovery. That is all. I was simply explaining my way of thinking. Not judging yours. I only WANT you to be happy.
“Self talk” is what I’m trying to learn to change. Negative self talk is especially ingrained in me because my mom is a narcissist and is incapable of being positive. Just telling myself “It’s ok to sleep in”, and then allowing myself to believe this, is a HUGE deal. (Empathy, for self and for others, is also good self talk for anyone…..being able to empathize means I am NOT a narcissist like my mother.)
Self talk also ties in to learning and growing…..I’m on my 3rd serious, failed relationship, and despite all the sadness and pain, I am STILL learning….things about myself, things about him, things about how I might want the future to look…..I am amazed I am able to see the positive in these negative situations. Your blog helps, too, because it helps me learn about myself, it helps me like myself more, and it gives me permission to run my life my own way (something I found impossible while being married, while being inundated with my mother’s “why aren’t you good enough” thinking, etc.). 🙂
Yes! Empathy for yourself and others is a great way to turn around rampant emotions, especially if some kind of action is involved. It is good to be gentle with yourself and notice the positives gain from a failed relationship. Perhaps even stop seeing them as ‘failures’ and more as stepping stones toward the full more whole you or personalized lessons in love.
Wonderful post and again with impeccable timing! I believe and employ most of what you have illustrated, but sometimes it takes me more like 90 hours than 90 seconds! I am trying to get into Uni – having finally decided at 40 what I would really like to study AND turn into a career. I am a little on edge about it as it is a 4 and a half year degree and any delay puts me nearer to 50 than 40 upon graduating and entering the workplace.
After a week of ups and downs, I was pretty much told “you won’t even be looked at this year because you missed the deadlines – even though we told you all was in order before the deadline passed and now we admit we made a mistake – sorry!” One of the most disappointed times I can recall in recent memory, but by the time the day was out I had a plan B, and C, and a belief that I am meant to go through this process.
The optimist and iNtuitive in me likes adapting and seeing the best…In Everything. The Logical Thinker poo poos that idea somewhat, saying face it, you messed up. If you’d have anticipated this you would not be in this position, deep down, you should have taken more responsibility. Things don’t happen for a reason, they happen because you failed to plan. I listen to this voice, but choose to not let it be THE voice.
I like that word Synchrodestiny. I haven’t heard it before, but I am very glad that I know it now 🙂
Are you an INTP or INTJ? I know it sometimes takes me 90 hours to plow through my emotions as well. They are so easy to get lost in. I can understand your disappointment with regards to your university application. So frustrating when you mentally make a plan and then someone else fouls it up for you. You are resourceful with the backup plans. Kudos to you! I am so excited for you and your upcoming education. I have considered going back many times but get daunted by the workload and the fact that I still have 3 kids at home. You are a brave and strong soul. I know you will find pleasure and success in your new endeavor. Keep marshaling and acknowledging your emotions. You’re on the right path. I feel it.:)
Thank you for your support! I am an INTP. Sometimes I know I am ‘having an emotion’ because it manifests to others around me, but it takes me ages to actually work out what it is!! Then another indeterminate amount of time to analyse why I am having it 😉
Love Debbi’s comment – sums it up perfectly.
I guess I didn’t intend my message to be, “We can flip our emotions quickly from negative to positive.” I meant our circumstances can change in an instant if we change our thinking. If we are open to positive possibilities they will be more readily seen.This eventually allows our emotions to dissipate.
I slog through deep feelings often searching for the source of why I feel the way I do. It could take days. Introvert brains are so sensitive and analytical, willing to endlessly process. I’m always looking for shortcuts.;)
Thank you Lobster for sharing your perspective. It is just as frustrating for me as it is for the other person while my mind comes to terms with what just happened. I wish I could start moving forward faster than I do because it would feel so much better in every way. I find myself now sometimes not sharing my stories until my negative emotions pass, but it’s hard to get rid of them without talking. This is NOT saying my friends aren’t listening and trying to help. They do nothing but that. I am blessed with AMAZING friends…including Ms. Knowles above. I just sometimes think it would be easier to get through if I could manage to sit on it for a few days first.
🙂 See my second comment to Lobster.
I just did because it flagged me as I hoped it would. It makes a lot more sense now. I still can’t do it myself because I don’t have the energy for it or something…not sure, but I get what you do now.
In my role as a teacher I not only have to deal with immaturity and impulsivity from students, but my own debilitating excitability. Thanks for articulating my daily battle.
Interesting perspective Vincenzo. Yes, teachers have to do a lot of reining in of emotions. Good luck with the battle and thank you for choosing to be a teacher. I’m sure you impart wisdom and grace way more than you give yourself credit.:)
Indeed Brenda, playful and humorous classroom scenes do come to mind, yet stormy intervals tend to often cloud these sunnier moments.
Lots of practical wisdom here. Are you familiar with the work of Byron Katie? She teaches a technique for making a case for the opposite point of view—the “turnaround.” http://www.thework.com/
I’d heard of Byron Katie but not her turnaround technique. I scanned through her site but couldn’t find a description of it. I’ll google later. I will put some more time into Katie’s The Work. Interesting. Seems to be reality/now based. Eckhart Tolle is big on that as well. Thanks for the suggestion Doug. As always, you’ve given me something to ponder.:)
Oooo I can so relate! I loved this, “I’m open to the exact opposite of what I see as the truth at the time.” I’ve had poison ivy AND then found a deer tick biting me and it looked like there was only one awful feeling available ( hard to even imagine gratitude . . . ) but I am actually starting to feel it today. Shocking. The relief and the flip-side can be just a moment’s thought away. “In the right light, everything is beautiful.” Also loved the wondrous wisdom from Pema Chrodron, “we are the sky and everything else is the weather.” Ahhhh gorgeous post Brenda <3 Sending mega love bombs and angels for your house to sell <3
Thanks Julie! I think you are a master at seeing the flip side! I’ve been inspired by your ability to generate gratitude and enthusiasm. Sorry you have had poison ivy and a darn deer tick. Hope that is all done now and you’re shining brightly again.:)
I’ll take all the love bombs and angels I can get regarding the house selling. Much appreciated.:)
I’m still loving your book! Finally made it to the part where you meet your hubby. Joy!! Yay!!
“Neuropsychiatrist, Dan Siegel, says that it only takes 90 seconds to shift out of a mood state. If you can change your thought pattern for 90 seconds your emotions will arise and fall like a wave on the shore.” That’s very reassuring, thanks! I’ll try to remember this next time negative emotions seep in and overwhelm. I really appreciate your posts, Brenda – so inspiring; encouraging readers to observe, judge and act from different perspectives. Thank you! Hope the house gets sold soon!
I’m glad my writing resonates with you! I observe and think A LOT.;) It helps to sort out all the details through writing and sharing.