Being the introverted, freedom-loving woman I am, it would make sense that I celebrate single-hood and relish activities that are self-directed but I’ve found dating to be exciting and expansive as well. Oh sure, I’ve been involuntarily groped in a coffee-shop parking lot and forced to sit through unusually long cat stories (complete with pictures), but overall my dating experiences have been positive.
The very nature of dating centers on one-on-one communication. I LOVE one-on-one communication. It lights me up, especially if we get past the weather, sports and networking stories.
Online Dating Works for the Introvert
Dating often starts with an online service. This is perfect for the introvert. People shopping from the comfort of your own home. Match.com and E-Harmony make it possible to avoid joining a church, gym or single’s club in order to find someone. Bye bye bar scene and socializing mixed with loud noise and beer farts. Online dating significantly lessens the chances of an awkward pairing such as a set up engineered by Aunt Maude. You get to choose who strikes your fancy. I’ve found it deliciously easy to figure out who among the Match.com crowd is an excellent communicator and introspective thinker. If ‘good’ and ‘great’ are the extent of their adjective repertoire and the highlight of their life is attending a sporting event in a packed stadium, I’m out. Not that there is anything wrong with those traits. I just know my spirit would wither in their presence. I’m not their type either. They would fall asleep in their hot wings listening to me drone on about introversion and literary philosophers.
Even when I have selected my date I still get a small pang of doubt and small pools of perspiration when meeting for the first time. Will this be spectacular? What if I can’t think of anything to say? Would I be better off staying home and reading a book? My former life coach once said I have beautifully high standards. She is right. I am continuously weighing the effort involved with a relationship against the energy or joy it may bring. If it doesn’t spark my curiosity, lighten my step and foster daydreaming it’s probably not right for me. And that’s OK. I’m good alone.
Be Free. Be Introverted-ish Like Me
What I’m finding lately is that men love to be released from their extroverted personas. I’ve been told I am comforting. I allow them to slow down and take in their experience rather than push ahead to a finish line on a moving horizon. I listen more deeply than the average person therefore they feel heard and valued, thus promoting self-reflection and authenticity. I give men space to be.
It’s kind of amazing to be appreciated for my natural ways. I don’t have to flirt, giggle and act gregariously. I can talk about connecting, vulnerability and beauty and still engage them. To be honest, I throw in some flirting and giggling too because they emerge effortlessly when I’m at ease with myself and my companion.
This may sound conceited, but since I’ve been dating post-divorce, only once was I NOT asked for a second date. I can say that because I spent many weekends as a teen and twenty-something without ANY dates. With age comes wisdom and a different agenda. Meaningful conversation is appreciated more now. Men want a companion that closely connects with them (and likes sex;).
I finally have the balls to reveal my true self which either draws them in or sends them away. Either way, is how it’s meant to be. Since I share myself more openly and am selective about whom I date from the beginning, chances are increased for a true match.
The Beautifully Independent Man
I love the beautifully independent man. He is passionate about living, humanity and creativity. I know that his happiness does not rest on my shoulders. He will be perfectly content pursuing his outward and internal delights. I admit, a couple of my dating relationships have ended because I’ve sensed that I am the satisfaction surrogate for these men. They need me in order to feel fulfilled. My thought is if they believe that, then they have not truly found peace within themselves. They will be searching or relying on others to provide it until they do.
Sex, Making Out, Sensuality
Yes, selectively… and it’s glorious. My dates have read Slow Sex and have honed their cunnilingus skills. They also know the brain is the biggest sex organ.
Sensuality counts and so does emotional intimacy. Sexual maturity is real. I’m enjoying it with equal parts wild abandon and common-sense caution. I need the meaningful depth and freedom associated with a healthy connection in order to relax into a satisfying physical relationship. I love physical affection but I’m not giving it away. I’ve learned it’s better to move slowly, let the deep intimacy form pre-sex. Sexual tension is delicious and delayed gratification enhances the experience, so there is no rush. I savor the denouement as it nears the climax.
Win-Win Situation for the Introvert
Fortunately for me, it’s hard to lose in the dating arena. If I don’t have any dates or a significant other I can always return to myself. Those nights alone bring insight. Solitude is where I rest. I will heal there after a breakup. I’m not saying relationships are disposable. can be hurt. I’m saying I believe introverts have an easier time recovering from relationship endings. There are always other possibilities for joy and contentment to be had within our inner world and beyond.
Have you had positive dating experiences as an introvert? As an extrovert dating an introvert?
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Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, do you live inside of my head, LOL…I’m starting to think you are psychic, lol. You’re thoughts are to much like mine, its unreal, lol :). The only thing, I don’t do is online dating. Tried it, looking for a friend some adult male conversation, and it got creepy. I signed up with this one service years ago and after being up for a couple of hours, I had 200 responses, and I took my profile down. When I signed up again, just my profile and a more detailed description of what I was looking for, the same thing happened. I got overwhelmed and deleted my profile. it was just to much! The part about the “beautifully independent man” That happens to me a lot, men try to rely on me like oxygen. When I sense and see this, it’s over for me. I’m out like the road runner, LOL.
They act like if I’m not in their life, it’s going to fall apart. An ex friend of mine is in a relationship like that, she feels her lover needs her, and if she’s not there, then her life is going to fall apart. She’s putting her whole life on hold for this woman. She doesn’t even want to be with this woman, but she is because she feels that there are no good men out there, and somebody is better than nobody, regardless of the gender and she needs helped with her kids and her lover plays that masculine role, she’s attracted to her masculine side, she even forgot she was a female. My last relationship, the guy tried to act like, if he didn’t have me, his life was going to fall apart and he acted like he had no one, but when I put him out, he quickly got a job, a car and his own place.
For me too, lovemaking starts in the mind, always has and always will. I had one experience where I was with this artist and, it was the worst experience of my life, damn I wish I could get a do over, lol… it was over in two minutes or less, LOL. I said to myself, I waited 9 years for that. I got more aroused and turned on by his poetry than I did with him. I’m still mad at that, after all these years, LOL. I felt nothing, I’m not even sure he was even in. Theres was no passion, no emotion nothing. I quickly saw how easy it is for a man to be with someone and there is no love involved. I don’t ever want to go through that again. Once is enough!!!
I love the buildup, the passion the intensity…”If I don’t have any dates or a significant other I can always return to myself. Those nights alone bring insight. Solitude is where I rest. I will heal there after a breakup. I’m not saying relationships are disposable. can be hurt. I’m saying I believe introverts have an easier time recovering from relationship endings. There are always other possibilities for joy and contentment to be had within our inner world and beyond.” I feel the exact same way, I can always return to me. I need solitude, I can’t really create with other individuals around, unless there is silence and they are creating but the women i used to friends, drained me. to much talking/texting, they were looking for an escape from their family life.
People in relationships, tend to think that single people, have all the time in the world to waste and talk and text, just because they don’t have kids. It may be weird in 2016 to not have a phone with an unlimited plan, but I don’t and its the best decision I could have ever made. I had to get rid of my phone, people wee not respecting my privacy and they were texting me to much. It drained me.
I was skimming over an OKCupid profile, and came across a quote from a wonderful poet–Warsan Shire–that, to me, seemed to sum up us introverts pretty well:
“My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”
We are good with our aloneness, but we are open to someone who gets us and wants us. I think our beautifully high standards make us more attractive partners, and friends.
Oh wow! I love the Warsan Shire quote!! Thank you for sharing. I may have to use that in my writing. Speaking for myself, that describes me perfectly. I have found people that I find sweeter than solitude. I adore them and the time I get with them because they get me and the intimacy (emotional/spiritual/physical) is so delicious.
Do you think our high standards make us more of a quality catch? Not easy. Complex?
Thank you for such an insightful and thought provoking comment. I truly appreciate it.
A poem by you should look for is “Women Who Are Difficult to Love.” It’s so beautiful and so fierce all at once.
Thank you. I did look it up. Beautiful. I love the lines: You can’t make homes out of human beings and He tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head. Those two hit home with me.
And I found OKCupid to be a decent source for interesting companions. I didn’t find love there but I did find worthwhile dates and a really good friend.:)
But how in the world do you get past the expended energy wasted on dates that just don’t work? I mean, you still have to go out that and hope the person online has given you all the facts. And, people don’t always do that. It seems that this post is forgetting that women in particular, can get scammed or perhaps the writer has been unusually lucky in your choices. But I know people who give up because it is so very draining and one on one with, well, a stranger (and a false sense of intimacy is one of the red flags on dating sites) is not so much fun for all introverts. I can’t think of anything more nerve wracking and tell me, how does one act like themselves when on first date? The writer must have incredible confidence or perhaps she is highly sociable for an introvert.
Hi Wendy. I am actually a little incredulous about how easy and good overall the dating scene has been to me. I will say that I find the early correspondence draining especially if I am responding to more than one person at a time. Emails, texts, phone calls take over my free space and I get worn out from all of the upkeep. As far as the actual dates, I have been disappointed on occasion, usually because they don’t live up to their physical images online. Their personalities have been true to their profiles. I feel I have been unusually lucky or just highly intuitive when it comes to selecting an individual to meet in person. I almost always enjoy their company and conversation even if I don’t see romantic potential. I have made several friends through online dating. I am a heavy screener. We email and talk on the phone before we meet. I can feel the energy quite quickly.
If the person is high quality and a decent listener it’s easy for me to be myself. I start telling them about my blog and the cat is out of the bag.;)
I am sociable with the right people. Competitive or aggressive individuals will shut me down but I am quick to weed them out.
Hope that explains some of my dating positives. Thanks for your awesome questions. I appreciate the honest inquiry.
For me, online dating was not a boon. I returned to my solitude, happily. Then, when I wasn’t looking, and wasn’t on a dating site, I met another introvert online through shared interests. Will we work in person? I don’t know, but for once, I am feeling comfortable with someone knowing the real me, and I’m looking forward to finding out And I am excited about meeting face-to-face in the near future (and my keyboard will probably appreciate the time off, lol!)
~SE.
Excellent!! I met my current beau when I wasn’t looking. In fact, I had just announced to my key people that I didn’t need a relationship. I was perfectly happy in my work and solitude.;)
Your relationship already has a lot going for it. You are comfortable and able to be the real you. The significant other knows you and is attracted. Woohoo! Enjoy all the nuances, daydreams and divine conversations.:)
What a rich, multilayered post. Full of insights for men. Reminds us that we can relax around an introvert.
Yes, I want my relationships to be ultra-relaxed and open. No one needs to be on guard. Lots of listening and warm affection.:)
Of course I LOVE this post <3 I haven't found my groove in the dating world yet, and this is inspiring for me today! xoxo
I’m still finding my groove but I have found some groovy aspects of dating.;) Hoping to create a dating relationship that goes long term. The long term ones have remained elusive – most likely my fault. I’m holding out for extraordinary.;)