Being the introverted, freedom-loving woman I am, it would make sense that I celebrate single-hood and relish activities that are self-directed but I’ve found dating to be exciting and expansive as well. Oh sure, I’ve been involuntarily groped in a coffee-shop parking lot and forced to sit through unusually long cat stories (complete with pictures), but overall my dating experiences have been positive.
The very nature of dating centers on one-on-one communication. I LOVE one-on-one communication. It lights me up, especially if we get past the weather, sports and networking stories.
Online Dating Works for the Introvert
Dating often starts with an online service. This is perfect for the introvert. People shopping from the comfort of your own home. Match.com and E-Harmony make it possible to avoid joining a church, gym or single’s club in order to find someone. Bye bye bar scene and socializing mixed with loud noise and beer farts. Online dating significantly lessens the chances of an awkward pairing such as a set up engineered by Aunt Maude. You get to choose who strikes your fancy. I’ve found it deliciously easy to figure out who among the Match.com crowd is an excellent communicator and introspective thinker. If ‘good’ and ‘great’ are the extent of their adjective repertoire and the highlight of their life is attending a sporting event in a packed stadium, I’m out. Not that there is anything wrong with those traits. I just know my spirit would wither in their presence. I’m not their type either. They would fall asleep in their hot wings listening to me drone on about introversion and literary philosophers.
Even when I have selected my date I still get a small pang of doubt and small pools of perspiration when meeting for the first time. Will this be spectacular? What if I can’t think of anything to say? Would I be better off staying home and reading a book? My former life coach once said I have beautifully high standards. She is right. I am continuously weighing the effort involved with a relationship against the energy or joy it may bring. If it doesn’t spark my curiosity, lighten my step and foster daydreaming it’s probably not right for me. And that’s OK. I’m good alone.
Be Free. Be Introverted-ish Like Me
What I’m finding lately is that men love to be released from their extroverted personas. I’ve been told I am comforting. I allow them to slow down and take in their experience rather than push ahead to a finish line on a moving horizon. I listen more deeply than the average person therefore they feel heard and valued, thus promoting self-reflection and authenticity. I give men space to be.
It’s kind of amazing to be appreciated for my natural ways. I don’t have to flirt, giggle and act gregariously. I can talk about connecting, vulnerability and beauty and still engage them. To be honest, I throw in some flirting and giggling too because they emerge effortlessly when I’m at ease with myself and my companion.
This may sound conceited, but since I’ve been dating post-divorce, only once was I NOT asked for a second date. I can say that because I spent many weekends as a teen and twenty-something without ANY dates. With age comes wisdom and a different agenda. Meaningful conversation is appreciated more now. Men want a companion that closely connects with them (and likes sex;).
I finally have the balls to reveal my true self which either draws them in or sends them away. Either way, is how it’s meant to be. Since I share myself more openly and am selective about whom I date from the beginning, chances are increased for a true match.
The Beautifully Independent Man
I love the beautifully independent man. He is passionate about living, humanity and creativity. I know that his happiness does not rest on my shoulders. He will be perfectly content pursuing his outward and internal delights. I admit, a couple of my dating relationships have ended because I’ve sensed that I am the satisfaction surrogate for these men. They need me in order to feel fulfilled. My thought is if they believe that, then they have not truly found peace within themselves. They will be searching or relying on others to provide it until they do.
Sex, Making Out, Sensuality
Yes, selectively… and it’s glorious. My dates have read Slow Sex and have honed their cunnilingus skills. They also know the brain is the biggest sex organ. Sensuality counts and so does emotional intimacy. Sexual maturity is real. I’m enjoying it with equal parts wild abandon and common-sense caution. I need the meaningful depth and freedom associated with a healthy connection in order to relax into a satisfying physical relationship. I love physical affection but I’m not giving it away. I’ve learned it’s better to move slowly, let the deep intimacy form pre-sex. Sexual tension is delicious and delayed gratification enhances the experience, so there is no rush. I savor the denouement as it nears the climax.
Win-Win Situation for the Introvert
Fortunately for me, it’s hard to lose in the dating arena. If I don’t have any dates or a significant other I can always return to myself. Those nights alone bring insight. Solitude is where I rest. I will heal there after a breakup. I’m not saying relationships are disposable. can be hurt. I’m saying I believe introverts have an easier time recovering from relationship endings. There are always other possibilities for joy and contentment to be had within our inner world and beyond.
Have you had positive dating experiences as an introvert? As an extrovert dating an introvert?
- Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live)
- In Love With Possibilities, Beholden to Reality (space2live)
- What It’s Really Like to End a Marriage and Start Over Pt. 4: Being Alone, Dating and Co-Parenting(space2live)
- Introverts Explained: Why We Love You But Need to Get Away from You (space2live)