Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become. — Author of Mating in Captivity and couples therapist, Esther Perel
Esther Perel’s quote hit me like a lighting bolt. An electric and profound moment of self-recognition and human understanding. Over the last decade, I have been becoming who I am supposed to be. It’s been both an intentional and organic process. That sounds new-agey and I promise I won’t use the word journey to describe the experience, but it is true. For a long time, I strictly adhered to the rules. I followed the algorithmic pattern of life — get an education, get a job, find a partner, buy a home, have children, eat, sleep, carpool, kvetch, exercise, internet surf, put one foot in front of the other, etc.
Where it all changed
Then one day I ventured off the traditional path and took a guitar lesson. Then I took writing classes. Then I joined a writing group. Each new event introduced me to different people with fresh perspectives on living and on me. They saw me in a never-before-tapped lens of possibility and creativity. They accepted me and my introverted tendencies. They saw me beyond the algorithmic automaton I had become. I was renewed. I was given a chance to live heuristically. For the first time in a long time, I was self-directing rather than following or reacting to others.
Prior to that, I felt lost in the family unit. I know it’s an age-old whine of the middle-class stay-at-home mom but I was truly desperate for separateness and the honoring of my values.
An affair?
Marriages are so much more merged, and affairs become a venue for differentiation, a pathway to autonomy. — Esther Perel
I did not have a traditional affair but I will admit to an emotional attraction to those who made me feel alive and desirable. Their attention was more than validation. It was a gift, the chance to reveal myself. A catalyst for growth. It felt like love at the time, but I see now it was different. It was an opportunity to do be acknowledged solely as me, a woman, writer, thinker, idea generator, and inspirer. It was the first glimmer of a purpose for me beyond caregiving.
A relationship overhaul?
Try as hard as we could, my husband and I could not make that happen at home. Roles were already deeply established and that old/new identity of mine could not be integrated respectfully and satisfactorily into our relationship. My personal nature seemed de-valued and I could not bring about understanding within our family with my husband as my partner. It was affecting how our children were being raised.
In our case, we DID end up looking for new partners, but I believe each relationship is unique and simply recognizing discontent with yourself or a longing to become something else, could change the trajectory of your partnership’s communication and longterm viability.
So, the next time you feel trapped or dissatisfied in your relationship, consider whether you desire a new partner or a new self. If it is a new self you are after, is it possible to transform within the relationship?
Has there ever been a time when you shed your relationship instead of changing you? If so, how would you handle it now if you could do it over?
**Is it obvious I have a crush on Esther Perel? I have quoted her in at least three posts. What can I say? She is my new relationship writing therapist hero. I think her work is worthy of deep attention. Thanks for letting me worship her publicly. 😉
Hi Brenda
I’m new to your work and fascinated by what you have to say. Personally I’m struggling in my marriage. Struggling to find peace, quiet, space and rest ….. my husband is a wonderful man but noisy! He’s retired and spends a lot of time in front of the TV ranting about the state of the world and he loves to voice his opinions in loud, forceful manner. I feel drained by this and despite numerous conversations about my need for a calmer environment so far the solution evades us. I’m an INFJ and my husband us an ESTJ… I’m beginning to fear we won’t be able to resolve this.
On a more positive note I am at least learning more about my own needs and that it’s okay to be me… introverted and highly sensitive! Since the menopause I seem less able (or less willing) to dance to other people’s tunes anymore.
Hi Janet! Thanks for sharing your story. I know your situation well. I’ve been there. Good for you for stating your needs. I’m sorry to no avail. Do you feel connected to your husband in other ways, emotionally? spiritually? physically? If a connection is still there, I see hope. Even if the connection has waned but is still flickering, I see hope.
Living a highly sensitive and introverted life can be beautiful and rich. I’m glad you have new awareness, understanding and appreciation for your nature. The more you feel at ease, the more you’ll attract and find others with similar personalities. You’ll also see more beauty in the world.
Interesting note about menopause.;)
Your writing is beautiful and resonates with me so deeply. I just spent so long reading through so many of your posts, but it’s hard to stop because each one seems like an elaboration on a thought I’ve pondered before and wanted to discuss but never got around to it. Sometimes it’s difficult to feel deeply understood, and it’s so wonderful to read things from like-minded people and feel such unity!
Also, if you don’t mind me asking, I’m curious what Myers-Briggs personality type your husband was, or what types you’ve found to be compatible with you/INFP? I know so many can work, but I think some combinations are uniquely special or easier to maintain.
Thank you for letting me know my writing resonated with you. That’s a writer’s greatest reward.:) I believe my ex-husband was an ISTJ but he often acted like an ESTJ (in charge, director). The most compatible relationship I have been in temperament-wise was with an ENFP/INFP. It seems that as we get older even extroverts crave more downtime so it is hard to tell sometimes. The ENFP was an amazing match for me but not willing to commit to a relationship so in the end it didn’t matter how incredible we were together. I recommend having the same second letter as your partner (N or S). This is how you take in information and see the world. It is in essence the language you use to describe and understand your world. I suggest really tuning into your energy when you are with someone. I have dated men who are real doers – moving all the time. On the positive side, their energy can be contagious, they’re fun, they follow through and get things done. On the negative side, it can be difficult to relax and recharge with them. Depends on how mature and whole your partner is. The more mature, the more differences are understood and appreciated. Hope that helps. Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate you!
Beautifully written
Thank you!!
It’s amazing to read about someone else’s experience that so closely parallels my own. It’s not just me!
You are not alone! 🙂
Wow, this one really hit home, big time!
I’m not looking for a new relationship, but a way to be able to be the new me I am and have become. I have changed, and it’s been for the better, but unfortunatly, this is not accepted by my husband. He wants me to be who I used to be, and I am simply unable to be that me. That old me no longer exists. He refuses to accept or acknowledge this me, that is more me than I’ve ever been before.
For me, it’s not possible to be allowed this transformation.
The cool thing May is that no one can stop you from changing for the better or from revealing the real you. Much of the transformation happens on the inside. No one can stop that light from glowing. No one can stop your light May. I hope you find a way to transform outwardly. It may take your husband time but he may come to love your new vibrancy. If at all possible, show him how your transcendence benefits him, i.e. a happier more energized you. Reassure him you have not forgotten him but also continue to spread your wings. I’m cheering for you!!
Thank you so much, Brenda! That means a lot 🙂
I wish it was possible, but it’s been 2,5 years, where I have really tried, and he refuses. So I’ve stopped, and don’t think I can do it anymore. For the first time ever, I thin it’s about time to think about me too, and what I need 🙂
Sending you strength and peace May.:)
Wonderful post!
Thank you for reading! 🙂