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THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Sharon
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
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I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.

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Introvert Returns to Herself : The Beauty of Relating and Feeling Known

acoustic guitar playing

In my week of self-nurturing and post-mortem relationship analysis, I figured out I’d strayed from my genuine self in the last year. One observation that surfaced right away was that I hadn’t bought or been lost in music for over a year.

Like a drowning woman seeking air above the waves, over the last week, I sought music, musicians, stories about musicians, people who like to talk about music and the emotional and ethereal feelings associated with notes, voices and lyrics. My music deficit hit home one night while I was staring at the list of unwatched shows on the DVR. I half-heartedly clicked on The Voice. I watched the first blind audition of season 10. My heart felt instantly fuller. I adore the positive camaraderie of the coaches and their encouragement of the contestants on their team. I could relate to their comments about the music and performances. Yes, The Voice is one of those formulaic popular shows aimed at the masses that some people are too esoteric to watch, but I love the formula. It works. There’s hope, humanity, personal development and MUSIC! Since watching the first four episodes of season 10, I’ve purchased 17 songs and listened to hundreds more — everyone from Bread to Bob Mould (bread mold?;).

I find myself in the lyrics and melodies. The songs stir up memories, feelings, daydreams, hope and ideas. They simultaneously take me back and move me forward. The perfect inspiration for reflection and evolution.

Spiritual home

I went to church for the first time in over a year. I have eclectic taste in music and religion. I take bits and pieces from different structured religions and make them my own. I found a congregation that fits my spiritual needs fairly well. Last Sunday morning, the music director played two Prince songs on the piano. As he sang and plucked the keys to “Purple Rain”, he could barely contain his energy. His foot tapped excitedly and his body swayed on the bench. He was feeling it. So was I. Which reminds me of Marianne Williamson’s quote about musicians being like priests, getting the whole room on the same heartbeat.

During the service, a speaker read Mary Oliver’s poem, The Journey (one of my all-time favorites) and later quoted Oliver Sacks On the MoveOliver Sacks (neurologist, writer, studier and lover of music). I had just finished Sacks’ autobiography, On the Move, the night before and hadn’t had anyone to discuss it with. I was bursting to share the gems of wisdom found within it. I later told the speaker of my appreciation for her taste in authors and poems. I chatted easily and vibrantly with the sweet people who welcomed me there. I met nurses, social workers, music directors, special ed. teachers and retirees. Their inclusiveness felt warm and peaceful. Their positive outlooks breathed life into my spirit. I felt at home in that sanctuary.

Others who relate

Talking with my dad for an hour later that Sunday afternoon, further exposed my dearth of music and music related conversation over the last year. My dad has been a great music appreciator and supporter for decades. He now lives outside of Nashville and is in his version of heaven. Not only do he and I have a mutual fondness for finding and sharing music, but we have a fondness for talking about our fondness for music. It’s just so pleasing to have someone who understands your excitement and enthusiasm for a certain tune (or book or place or food or subject or…). My dad always has a new song or artist he wants me to hear. We both intertwine songs and albums with our personal histories. Much of my musical history and taste is a reflection of his.

When a new coaching client mentioned one of his greatest joys — talking with other musicians — I knew there was something to this music connection thing.

Music is such an incredible unifier. For introverts, there is such pleasure in experiencing something as magical as music that originates in the outer world but rests, resonates, energizes and inspires within our inner worlds.

Often, music talk is a covert plea to connect. It’s an outstretched heart begging for relatedness. You get these lyrics like I do, don’t you? You are moved by that first stellar note too, aren’t you? 

Vulnerability connects

There is a vulnerability in creating and offering your gift to the world. Artists experience this vulnerability by Oliver Sacks music quoteholding their work up for scrutiny and judgment, their tender thoughts and visions open to wounding or reverence. This vulnerable work moves its audience to share in the vulnerability by telling others how the music (creation) affects them. Telling others how you were moved equals a freedom to be wholly open and engaged.

Not sure why my man and I did not engage in expansive music talk. He likes music. Our taste is different but there is some overlap and he likes the stories behind the musicians. I think I just didn’t feel an easy openness about the discussion —the relatedness, enthusiasm and vulnerability were missing. I don’t think he gets into the nuances as much as I do. If he does, he didn’t express that to me. I value the artist, the emotions behind the lyrics and the feeling of the music. He did the same, but perhaps we were drawn to different emotions.

A thank you

I can’t go without acknowledging all of the love and support I felt and received from you the space2live tribe. You are my people, my kindred spirits. You knew just how to lift me up and make me feel heard. Much love and gratitude for your kindness,  Brenda

What’s something you can talk to people about for hours? Who are the people whose presence and conversation lift you up? Why do you think they give you such joy?

If you’d like help finding a tribe you can relate to, contact me for personal coaching. I know how to guide you toward people who make your life better and brighter. 

*One caveat, I must mention in regards to my love of musical connections, there has to be at least a moderate overlap of music taste. A huge disparity in musical preferences can kill the relatedness and mutual enjoyment of playing and sharing songs.

 

**I can relate to this song 🙂 — “Having a Record Year” by Eric Church

 

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Morena May 7, 2016 at 5:02 pm - Reply

    Brenda, your sentiments about music and how you feel, I feel the same way. I met someone, that we’re really good friends now and its because of our love over music….talking to him, I felt so liberated to express myself over music,. He just let me have the floor, lol when I started expressing myself….he read my long emails and wrote me back too and our phone conversations lasted for hours about art and music…. I realized that in my last relationship, I was unable to express myself about music, or rather I felt uncomfortable…I wasn’t myself…, and I was with someone, who supposedly loved music,…(maybe he liked it).. who used to be in the studio. But we NEVER and I mean NEVER had deep discussions about music….He used to try to make me feel bad, about how I felt about music, he would see I was in the zone and turn my music off when he visited…he would ask me if I wanted to be alone and I said yes, leave my house please, lol although serious…It would p*#&$ me off.

    Several times I tried to set the mood with music and he would turn it off, which turned me off (because I’m a romantic and sensitive introverted cancer) and nothing happened that night or several nights…sometimes your bed can be cold even with someone there… you mind as well be alone…..Music is a big part of my being…I feel like every artist I listen to, I have a part of them in my DNA, their music is in my cells…I fall in love with their music over and over again…I get visuals of their music, its very inspiring, it gives me hope and its healing…after that last person I was with… I know that I will never want to be with someone , who doesn’t share the same passions as I do, especially when it comes to music, books, writing, poetry and anything else creative….my friends that I slowly had to distant myself from, for several reasons but mostly because of music, they don’t share the same sentiments or care about music the way I do or writing and reading…

    When someone says to you, “reading and writing is boring and that they fall asleep”…thats a red flag right there, that they have nothing to talk about, except materialistic things..it also shows that they are not a deep thinker, that they don’t use their brain, that they are not spiritual….You can tell a lot about a person based off of their music collection..I mentioned the artist “ILL Divo” to someone and they never heard of them, that’s ok, but they weren’t opened to listening to them either…..the type of music I like, people are so shocked and that’s only because of my skin color. I had dinner with some people I met a few months ago and I was the only woman of color there, everyone else was caucasian and they all looked shocked, that I knew about certain types of music…., during dinner, one of the guys was a singer and guitarist and I asked him to play certain songs, like UB40, Blues Traveler, deep blue something (breakfast at tiffanies), Bryan Adams, Aerosmith, Sarah Mclachlan, Trisha Yearwood and everyone looked shocked, lol…

    They must have thought I was going to ask them to play rap or something…LOL..never judge a book by its cover….My music taste is very eclectic, I listen to everything, (except hardcore rap, I don’t like that type of music, I can’t stand the vulgarity in that music, the energy messes with me, when people play it…) even music in other languages..I’m a music lover…Whenever I used to talk to males about music, or play music around them… they always had something negative to say and they would take offense and say I was more into the music than them……. It’s just music, why were they so jealous, I have no idea..…music is the one thing that I can talk about, all day everyday, if you let me 🙂 one minute I’m quiet, but talk about music, you will never get me to shut up, LOL… I feel everything when it comes to music..I hang on to every lyric and note until it leaves the artist mouth….If I hear a riff…or I like a certain part, I will play it over and over again.

    Don’t let me have the remote in my hand, a 5 minute song, can be an hour or I’ll have it on repeat, LOL. If you saw my play count with my music, one would think I was obsessed….come to think of it, I am, LOL…. but I am and thats a good thing. Music is my escape, it’s my natural high.. I love the way it makes me feel…I take music with me everywhere, when I cook, when I shower, take a bath, it wakes me up in the morning..when I go for a walk or job or meditate.. I NEED music around me all the time….. Music always expresses how I feel inside. I ALWAYS find myself in music, in the lyrics. I’m big on words. Haven’t been able to share a good book with someone and discuss it… Its hard to find people that share my same love for music and anything creative, they think its boring…my music collection is huge and growing, LOL…a 32 GB of an iPad mini will not hold my music, I need at least 64GB or 128, LOL….

    • Brenda Knowles May 8, 2016 at 1:38 pm - Reply

      Like Sheket said in her comment: Music – it speaks where one cannot; it soothes when another cannot soothe; it enlivens the soul and the mind. It especially soothes when others cannot. That’s why I love it. Reading and music are safe places to go. We can find ourselves in them and we smile.:) I know I don’t have to tell you that. Music is where you enter flow state. Me too.:)

  2. Sheket May 6, 2016 at 3:36 pm - Reply

    So….

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O8TL8HIwXo

    …might be apt 🙂

    Music – it speaks where one cannot; it soothes when another cannot soothe; it enlivens the soul and the mind.

    What a dull and dreary world this would be without music and laughter!

    Heal well and in your own time,
    ~SE

    • Brenda Knowles May 8, 2016 at 1:30 pm - Reply

      I love and own that song! I really enjoy 3 Doors Down.:) Thank you S! Perfect!

  3. Wynne Noble Potter May 6, 2016 at 3:27 pm - Reply

    Happy to read this, Brenda. I can hear some healing going on
    Hope to see you at HF!

    • Brenda Knowles May 8, 2016 at 1:27 pm - Reply

      Yes, the healing has commenced.:) It’s going to take a while. Thanks for your support and kind words Wynne. I appreciate them tremendously! Not sure I’ll be there for HF, struggling to get motivated to set up the logistics. I may stay home and work on my book.

  4. Julie Bond Genovese May 6, 2016 at 3:21 pm - Reply

    YES exactly Brenda! Music brings me back to my deepest self – my wholeness – where I feel/accept both the joy and the sadness and everything in between. Freedom! So it’s a thrill to share that experience & connection with others. My mom and sister and I call each other while watching The Voice or Dancing with the Stars so we can share the tears, vulnerability and the exhilaration of a singer/dancer and a song! I will be sending love to you next Monday night 🙂 xoxoxo

    • Brenda Knowles May 8, 2016 at 1:25 pm - Reply

      I like Dancing with the Stars too (although I haven’t watched it lately)! That’s so awesome you have your mom and sisters to share the experience of watching the shows. I have friends I could share with. There’s nothing like kindred spirits to make you feel heard and understood. Your positive nature is so appreciated Julie. Thank you for your big heart and willingness to share it.

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