I’m not sure where to begin this week’s post. I’m in a low place. The relationship with my man ended last week. I’m sad over the breakup. My children are sad over the breakup. I’m sad I hurt him. The weather has been dark, rainy and dreary for days. Prince died (and I live in Minneapolis). My heart and body feel heavy.
I’m sorting through the ashes and memories and trying to make wisdom and lessons out of heartbreak but my mind is tired. I feel unsure and insecure about the future. I feel unprotected and I question whether I will ever find someone to love who loves me sweetly, softly, passionately and consistently. I told close friends I feel like an egg in the middle of a sidewalk; vulnerable and exposed.
My man and I were so different we couldn’t connect. I value empathy. He values competence. I carefully tend to people’s feelings. He’s radically honest. I’m an idealist. He’s a steadfast realist. He was all about action and I was all about thoughts and emotions. I love and loved him. I know differences can enrich a relationship and relationships take work but how much work is too much work? How much conflict is acceptable? How much hurt is normal?
I started to feel uneasy around him and my energy depleted to the point where I wasn’t myself or the loving partner I wanted to be.
I recently watched a webinar through Personality Hacker where Bruce Muzik of Loveatfirstfight.com said we are programmed to find the mate who is least equipped to heal our childhood wounds but most equipped to trigger them. Bingo.
I don’t have a lot of spark or creativity to write this week. My active mind is distracted by emotional work. I’ve been so scattered. Let me tell you the silly things I’ve done. 1. I left the products I purchased at the hair salon at the salon. Didn’t even give them a second thought until they called me to let me know they were there. Brownie points to the salon staff for apologizing to ME when I returned to pick them up. They tried to make me feel better. If we lived in the south, they would have said, “Bless your heart!”. 2. I typed a follow-up email for a client after our session and then never hit send. Three days later (I usually follow-up within 24 hours), she emailed me and asked if I had sent the email yet. Again, a kind person trying to help me save face. 3. I couldn’t find my keys or my Target card (5% off right?) at Target the other day. I found them both later in my purse where they are supposed to be. Yes, people the struggle is real. At least, my absentmindedness provides moments of levity.
I will eventually write a thoughtful and respectful post about the end of our year and a half long relationship. I learned so much and am so grateful for his presence in my life. I want to keep much of it private but also give understanding and growth points to my readers with similar tender, intuitive and introverted hearts.
But today I’m going to give myself love. I already did a 30 minute guided meditation from Dr. Emmett Miller called, “I Am”. It is free on the Guided Mind app. When I started the meditation my chest and stomach were both tight. Afterwards, I felt calm and all the knots had been released. Meditation and visualization work for me. I wanted to share that with you.
My middle son is home sick from school today. I plan to make grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for us for lunch. Maybe we’ll play a game or watch a movie together. Maybe we’ll just snuggle and talk on the couch. I’m grateful for this time with him.
I have time to myself this weekend. I will read, write, cry, exercise and spend time talking with gentle and kind friends and family. I may even go to church. I feel the need to connect with a spiritual community.
Thanks for allowing me to pass this week on writing a formal post. I’m going to direct the light inward for a while so I can recharge and grow and ultimately beam outward toward you again.
What helps you heal? How do you care for yourself when you feel wounded?