I spent last week vacationing and staying with people I had never met before 
the trip. We went out to seafood restaurants and gorged on oysters, shrimp, grouper and key lime pie. We lounged on the beach and inadvertently swam with sharks and sting rays. We sat around the kitchen table and shot the shit. It was fun and engaging and tiring.
I spent a lot of time listening during this first time visit. I defaulted to introvert mode — observation and keen attentive listening. They had a lot to say and I would have had to interrupt to get a word in.
No, not interrupting!! It’s too hard.
After a couple of days, I was reminded of how I felt as a high school senior when I spent a week in Spain with a Spanish family. By the end of the first day, my brain was throbbing/numb from all of the intense absorbing and concentration I put into deciphering what the heck they were saying to me in rapid-fire Spanish. I couldn’t wait to collapse in the pink frilly twin bed they provided for me.
Back in Florida…
I can’t remember if it was the second or third day of our visit (this is how muddled my brain got) but one afternoon my man asked me to go to the beach with him. My introvert energy tank was hovering just above empty, yet I hated to miss out or disappoint my guy and his family. I didn’t want to be lame or boring but I knew I needed a nap or reading time. I got all wishy-washy. It took me a while to make the decision to read and lie down. I didn’t really rest all that well as I felt bad for needing the downtime. I wanted to keep up with the fun and energy of everyone else. No one else took a nap.
I was told not to worry about it. If I wanted to take a nap someone else would go with my man to the beach. In other words, if you can’t go, someone else (with more energy) will easily take your spot.
Why can’t you just say, No, I need downtime?
I have a fear of melting down if I don’t get the rest I need but I also dread not being outgoing, well-liked or respected because of my listening vs. talking tendencies and my need to recoup after bouts of socializing. As I waffle between pushing myself and caring for myself, I appear indecisive and that is bothersome. Not only am I incapable of carrying on like an extroverted warrior, I am also hesitant to own my way of being.
How to own your needs and choices
I know if I would have stated I need a nap and excused myself for an hour or two no one would have cared. In fact, they probably would have been completely supportive and admiring of my forthrightness. They would have seen a woman who knows herself and doesn’t give a fuck, but when my battery is low, my defenses are down and my emotions are high. The trick is to recharge before I get to a weakened state. I need to speak up (even if it means interrupting and using precious energy) and declare what I need. In the long run, it is self-preserving and self-sustaining. It also helps relationships run smoother.
Every experience like this, teaches me it is OK to own my temperament. It is me who feels the shame or inferiority of needing recovery time. Others either understand because they have similar temperaments, don’t understand but don’t care or want me to be happy and confident in whatever I decide.
Where the introvert shines
By the end of the week, I managed to have a few one on one conversations with
the lovely relatives. I managed to contribute what I believe were valuable insights to a talk or two. I relaxed and felt more in my element. They seemed to relax too. It turns out it is OK to be who I am. Just like the experience I had in Spain, by the end of the week I had learned a lot from the people I met and felt more confident about myself.
How are you at declining social invitations? Meeting new people? How do you own your personality?
I’m an introvert in the term that I need to recharge by reading and getting away from people (playing with a pet or spending more time in the bathroom can help at parties). I’m a different introvert than you but we are still very similar. I do less listening and more entertaining. So while we are both introverts but I’m actually out there and have bouts of I need to talk. My bursts of energy need downtime though unlike extroverts in my family who go on and on without ever needing some time out. I have noticed I’m more empathetic and when I do listen, i give my all. I find extroverts like my husband and most of my friends are likely full of beans because they dont absorb as much information (they seem to forget almost everything each other has said only a few minutes earlier) and are shallow thinkers (not in a bad way, they are just like that). They like small talk and I like deep and meaningful conversations. If Im not learning, I’m not having fun. Is that just the dynamic of me and my friends or is that common with you guys and your extroverted friends?
I couldn’t imagine anything more draining than staying at someone’s holiday house for example. I recently went with my gym Yoga friends to a Yoga Retreat and by the second day I was exhausted and always bored of talking and being around others. Everything exhausts me these days.
I have found many of my friends have become introverts as they have aged (they claim it’s due to more responsibilities and less energy).
I deal with my need to rest by saying it aloud but with lots of guilt. I try to tell others what I need so I don’t look like an angry bitter woman (if I dont rest). I’d rather look tired than angry is what I remind myself. Tired is socially acceptable, angry not so much, particularly for females.
I know we become more sensitive as we age. I have noticed the need for more downtime and quiet has become more mainstream in general but especially for people 40 and older. I think our lifestyles (fast paced, over scheduled, highly stimulating) are dictating the need to pull back more often.
I agree there are some people who just don’t have a desire to go deep in conversation. It is not in their nature to go beyond small talk. The key thing is for all types of people to appreciate the speaking/learning styles of others.
I try to avoid tired and angry because then I am not fit to be with others. Self-care is crucial. Keep it up. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I read your blog every Monday morning. It feels like opening a present- there is always some new approach to look at things. I indulge in your writing.
This week, I will keep in mind what you said about owning your needs and speaking up even if it mean interrupting (off course in a gentle way). Thank you very much.
Thank you for your kind words! You made my day. 🙂 There is no greater reward than knowing your words/thoughts help and resonate with someone else.
I’m with ariuna… It DOES feel like a present. Thanks ariuna for that perfect expression, and thank you Brenda, for all your introvert insight!
Reading your blog — and your sensitive answer to my question a while back — has helped me to advocate better for my introvert needs and made me feel much saner. Thank you so much. Now I have another question.
I recently had a family of four (father, mother and their high school and grade school kids) as houseguests for a full week. I dearly love these relatives — who live expensively far away — and I was thrilled that they were able to coordinate their complex work and school schedules to make an all too rare visit. (I’m retired so my schedule wasn’t an issue.) So, naturally, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them including accommodating their desire to do a lot of sighteeing. And, of course, there were hosting duties.
I noticed that, especially as the week wore on, I felt spaced-out, almost as though I was living in a dream world. I think this may have been because it was not possible for me to have enough solitude while my guests were here to process such an unusual amount of stimulation and interaction. I’m curious if you’ve ever had this feeling or have any suggestions.
I have felt similarly after a period of intense/constant stimulation. It’s almost like I detach or disassociate in order to limit the further stimulation, as if I am protecting myself from complete overload. It is me going through the motions. I think this is our brain’s way of telling us we need a break.
The first step is to recognize this feeling (which you have) and then honor the warning. You could honor it by taking a nap, going on an artist’s date (date with yourself to refill your imagination – do something creative, new or fascinating), reading for hours, playing online, a walk in nature, etc. All of those ideas bring you back to equilibrium and give you the energy to be present. Of course, this self-care requires speaking up and owning your introversion but that is what is necessary and it’s perfectly OK.:)
I feel very identify with you Brenda. When I need something for me and I´m the only one in a group that have these need, I feel people don´t like me. I absorve all the feelings from people. Sometimes they have other expectations on me and I feel I break it. I feel terrible like I´m not funny or something like that. I need to take a rest several times because I´m over. Too much energy. I take care of each people trying to connect all the information that they give me. It´s something natural on me. But it´s exhausted.
Fortunately, after having my baby, I feel more confident with myself and I don´t mind what people think of me. Not so much. Now I feel a more special person as a mum.
As I get older and a little bit wiser, I see that it’s very important to be who you are and not let everyone else’s feelings/actions influence you. This is extremely difficult for people like us who find it natural to listen to and empathize with others. I am so glad you have found a space, as a mother, that feels right to you. You will grow in that space. Thank you for your thoughtful comment Bea.
I completely agree, Brenda, that it’s very hard for sensitive, empathetic people to accept that some aspects of our authentic selves may cause offence or invite disapproval. It’s about finding a balance between caring about others’ feelings, but not caring to the point where we can’t be ourselves.
I completely relate to this, Brenda! I’m glad you managed to get your rest time and still have fun. I know exactly what you mean about the guilt we can feel over needing our own space and breaks from group interaction.
I was really interested in what you said about not feeling able to interrupt, because I’ve always had this problem too. Often I’d like to join in a group conversation, but other people are talking so constantly that there are no natural pauses, and it feels rude to barge in by cutting off whoever is speaking. Sometimes I can’t work out why I’m so easily silenced compared to others!
I’ve learned, as an introvert, that interrupting and being interrupted (during work/thinking/reading) are difficult. I think interrupting others requires quick thinking and the notion that whatever I say better be especially good because I’m breaking into a conversation to say it. That high expectation and the fact that I deeply process what everyone else is saying hold me back.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Catherine.
Loved this blog, TOTALLY relate to all of it, and it’s such a lesson in learning to love ourselves. Thank you for sharing this! Your writing is so easy to read (because I get it!)
Thanks for letting me know this resonated. Such a lovely thing when your story hits home with others. 🙂