Dear Gentle and Incredible Readers,
I spent my energy this week speaking to high school students about self-awareness and helping and hanging out with family for the Thanksgiving holiday. My sister, brother-in-law and I moved my mom into an assisted living facility. The week was exhilarating and emotional. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful people and experiences that surround me.
Due to my full schedule, I did not have time to write a meaningful post myself but instead you will be blessed with a thoughtful
post from fellow introvert/highly sensitive writer and champion, Andy Mort. He is a huge believer in personal creativity and personal potential. He is the founder of SheepDressedLikeWolves.com, which is a blog and podcast aimed at encouraging introverted and highly sensitive people to embrace their creativity and push against the expectations of an often overwhelming world. Please check out the Members Haven at SheepDressedLikeWolves.com. There you’ll find great resources and camaraderie for introverts, sensitives and creatives. Andy interviews individuals with valuable insight into living well with our temperament.
Please enjoy his post about what you need to know to better understand, express and accept your introverted nature.
Do you wish you had known about your temperament earlier?
I speak to a lot of people who regret that they only discovered that they are introverted or highly sensitive later on in life. They tell me about the years spent thinking they were different, but have had this perception destroyed thanks to the many enlightening and inspiring authors who have pushed the topic into the mainstream conscious.
How do you feel when you look back at yourself before you knew what you now know about your temperament?
I was thinking about this recently when considering the best way to actually encourage introverted or sensitive children to fully express that part of who they are without judgement or fear.
The process of reflecting on this inspired me to write some thoughts, which in many ways are aimed at a younger version of myself before I knew I was introverted or highly sensitive. There were five big things that I would say if I had the opportunity to travel through time:
1. Everyone is Different
Everyone sits somewhere on a scale between introvert and extrovert. Many are in the middle and may be called ambivert. This indicates your orientation to the world. Those on the introverted end of the scale tend to get their energy from inward sources such as time alone with their thoughts, low-key in-depth conversations, and their creative pursuits. Those who have an extraverted temperament gather energy from stimulating activities, new experiences, and meeting people.
There is no right way of being and it may be hard to understand what it’s like to be introverted if you are extraverted, and vice versa.
Like many introverted people you may get called shy or quiet. You probably don’t like hearing this because it makes you feel self-conscious and confused.You enjoy sitting and listening to the conversations around you. Sometimes something will come to mind that you feel is valuable to contribute to the conversation and you will look for an opening. Often the topic will move on quickly and you have to bring it back by saying ‘just going back to the previous point’, before adding your often surprisingly well received insights.
Don’t worry that the conversation moves faster than your thoughts. Your ability to stick with and develop ideas will be valuable as you learn to write and pursue creative projects.
2. Be Careful with Your Energy
You really enjoy spending time with people you care about but there always reaches a tipping point in your energy. Treasure your friendships, enjoy yourself, and learn to communicate your need to step away when you need down time away from people. Over time they will understand and accept that this is a part of who you are and that it has nothing to do with them personally.
Introverted people expend energy in social situations.
You are actually responsible for creating your own energy and so it will always be important to keep track of it. If you need to step away and find more, then do it. It will be hard in stimulating environments like school and work, so be on the lookout for unexpected opportunities to ‘introvert’ through the day.
3. Allow People In
You may develop a tendency to forget that people can’t hear your thoughts. Be careful of this.
You process things very deeply and internalize a lot of your emotion. Unfortunately people may not be able to tell what you are thinking or feeling. There will be times when you will need to let go of this for the sake of others.
When you are feeling happy or excited then feel free to express it; likewise when you are feeling sad or angry find ways to show 
people these emotions externally. You will have to work hard at this because your face won’t always express what your heart and mind are feeling and people may find this uncomfortable/intimidating.
people these emotions externally. You will have to work hard at this because your face won’t always express what your heart and mind are feeling and people may find this uncomfortable/intimidating.4. You Can’t Do it All
As you embark on your life’s work you may feel tempted to do everything yourself. I completely understand why. But just because you can (or you can learn how) it doesn’t mean you should; I would suggest learning to trust other people and ask for help even when you don’t necessarily feel like you need it.
This will help you grow as a leader and bring you very useful experiences. It may be hard for you to do; I know that you don’t really like to bother people, you struggle to tell the truth when you don’t like something, and you find it hard when you have to rely on others because of the pressure it puts on you both.
That said, there is a balance that you will need to strike because your drive to do things yourself will be very beneficial in a world that is changing. The creative industries are changing. Your desire to find ways to do things yourself that would have needed the permission of gatekeepers in days gone by will be a huge asset.
5. You Know More than You Think
You may feel like an impostor in many situations. When you look at other people around you it appears that they know a lot more than you and that they have experience and knowledge of what to do.
It is important for you to realise that you know a lot more than you think you do. It might take you a while to realise, but just because people are loud and willing to answer questions it doesn’t mean they are more intelligent than you.
Don’t be surprised if people ask for your advice or opinion. People see you differently to the way you see yourself. It may come as a surprise to you, but probably not to those around you.
Your desire to learn more about yourself and about the world is a real strength. You will realise that growth is not about having all the right answers, but rather it’s about asking the right questions.
Always seek to encourage others; NEVER use knowledge as a weapon to discourage or humiliate anyone.
You are no better or worse than anyone else. You are unique and individual. Don’t feel pressured to conform to the extravert ideal, or the introvert label. Be yourself and accept the things that you perceive to be real inside of you. Trust your intuition and don’t be afraid to make bold decisions. They will often be proved right even when they seem outrageous at first.
Over to You
What would you tell a younger version of yourself if you had the opportunity?
If you enjoyed Andy’s post you may also like:
You Are an Artist: What Do You Notice? (Sheep Dressed Like Wolves)
I’d tell my much younger self to study more diligently, so my doctorate would have come with less angst. I’d tell myself to work out more intelligently, so I’d have picked up a few more state weightlifting championships and set some more-impressive personal records. And I would not have gotten married, because our goals were so different. I really did enjoy her as a person–until she wanted me to abandon my career quest. Finally I’d have forgiven much earlier those people who have recklessly brandished the word “selfish,” because of their ignorance of my nature and my lack of interest in their desires for family and conspicuous consumption.
Thanks for your column. It is an enormous reassurance to those who are introverts and a kind and generous deed to the public in the eyes of a schizoid. As someone who is somewhere between introvert and schizoid, I get to enjoy your column on two separate levels.
You brought up an interesting point about others brandishing the word selfish. I hope there is more awareness now regarding the introverted nature so as to quell the selfish labeling. I know I spent many years feeling guilty and selfish for needing time to myself.
Thank you for introducing me to the world of a schizoid. Your last comment was enlightening. You sound like a multi-faceted person who is not afraid to live on his terms.
Brenda, to live on one’s own terms is the only way to live, because to live on somebody else’s terms will never bring happiness. If you be yourself, improve yourself, love yourself, and need no one else’s approval, your life can only be happy. And the way most people have to act at work to be successful does not have to be their real selves—just good acting. And even small children know how to play at acting, so just about anybody can do it.
This column is a magnificent thing. It can help rescue people from the expectations of others–a wrong path that can lead to a life of self-loathing and self reproach. Life is to short to adopt others’ goals; they do not bring happiness.
I wholeheartedly agree. Living on one’s own terms is not always easy. It takes courage, but it is the only way to true happiness.
Thank you for your kind words about my writing. My intentions are to spread awareness, let others know they are not alone in their way of being and to empower the introvert/sensitive individual.
To myself: Get out of school (k-12) as fast as you can. I was drained and wasted every day and just thought I was a low energy person (diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?!) but then I was given the opportunity and gift of entering into an independent study program where I only had to come in one a week to check in with a teacher councilor. It was life changing! I ended up doing my last two years of high school in just under three months (AP classes and everything) and found that even during that intensive study period I was bouncing off the walls and picking up a dozen (amazingly solitary) hobbies with far more energy for my relationships. While I did get a class II diploma (in between a regular class I and a GED) it didn’t matter because a semester or two at a JC makes high school as good as non-existent, and I still got to transfer into UCLA, and later their pre-med program no questions asked. My only regret is that I didn’t go independent study the first day and have that many more years to enjoy and explore life rather than sit in a room, bored out of my mind, and having the life drained out of me with the daily group projects my school seemed to think as the pinnacle of educational standards. We really shouldn’t do what we do to kids, as far as the way most public schools educational models are designed, but in the case of the highly sensitive, and or highly introverted, it can be almost criminal in how much pain they experience there. I’m free now…
You have a fascinating story HF. I am so glad you found the right learning environment for you. I watch my own son struggle with the structure of his public school. He has learned to adapt to the schedule and we have given him some freedom to study/do homework in his own way, but it’s still not the best fit for him.
It’s weird. I was the ideal student but I didn’t feel like I really learned well. I could memorize but not always apply the knowledge learned.
You have a beautifully active and receptive mind. So thrilled you discovered how you learn best. It has served you well. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sure many other parents and students can relate.
I would tell myself not to be afraid to be heard and therefore speak up when I have something to say. I would also tell myself that what I have to say is just as important as anyone else. I so appreciate this blog and all the topics it covers in the realm of the introvert. Thanks again for all you’re doing to changr the perception of people and how they view others that are different from them.
I was exactly like you. I often left the big talking to others. I didn’t feel I was as entertaining, interesting, important. I’m so thrilled you have found space2live to be helpful. 🙂
LOL – I wrote about exactly the same thing this week:
http://johnanthonyjames.com/post/103569445071/theres-nothing-wrong-with-being-an-introvert#.VHjpuTGUeSo
It’s so important to teach young people that there isn’t such a thing “normal” – that we all sit on a spectrum… and there’s nothing wrong with being introverted.
Right on JAJ!! It’s cool we’re all getting the message out. The next generations will benefit.:) I know I have already.
I am 32 and only found out a few weeks ago why I am the way I am. I wish I knew a long time ago that it was ok to be the quiet one, ok to feel overwhelmed as a parent, ok to be different from my extrovert friends etc. I feel like I wasted so much energy trying to be something I’m not and wondering if I was normal. I appreciate the talented people who are able to put their introverted lives into words to help others know it’s ok to be yourself.
I’m so glad you have learned you are ‘normal’. 😉 You are absolutely not alone. Not only are you normal, you have value and gifts to offer. Welcome to the tribe.:)
*Rodney King
Brenda, I’m sure you and your family spent thoughtful time in making the decision to put your mother in an assisted-living place. May she be happy and thrive there!
I am also subscribed to Andy Mort’s blog. Very insightful! What I would tell my younger self is: Stop forcing yourself into every social engagement, and find a more mature way to handle overstimulation/too much together time within a relationship. When you need alone time, don’t push people away and get dramatic; just explain that you’re an introvert, you love them, and gently ask for a few hours or a couple of days by yourself to reboot. 🙂 (I messed up quite a few very special relationships by lashing out. Now that I’m more mature, I handle it much differently.)
Realizing you’re an introvert is not like a diagnosis in the doctor’s office or a label from a psychiatrist’s couch; it’s an “Aha!” moment that explains a lot about your world, inside and out. In the words of Rodney Kind, “Can’t we all just get along?” :-)))
Peace and love!
I know I snapped and lashed out too often as well before I understood my temperament. I’d like to think I am more mature now, but only those in my circle could truly affirm that. Discovering you’re an introvert is an ‘aha moment’. It’s a relief and a beginning to some major self-awareness. You’re right. The big secret is to appreciate differences rather than simply tolerate or worse, resent, them. Thanks for your insight Andrea.:)
wow – such brilliant, detailed, important message!
So glad it resonated with you! Andy is a great champion of our temperament.:)