I had a little meltdown today. It had to do with old baggage about competition and insecurity. I should have known it was coming. I’ve been going 100 mph 
lately. The primary reason: I’m prepping my house for sale. Lots of organizing, cleaning, mess avoiding and workmen swarming. I’m stressed about timing and frustrated because my creativity buzz is stymied.
Introverts and Competition Angst
When my friend announced he would be starting his own inspirational blog and asked for help coming up with a name, I cracked. I felt a twinge of darkness. I was jealous of his energy and creative time, and with voice shaking told him so. Deep down I worried that he would surpass my abilities and lose respect for me. Yes I said it. I am sensitive to competition. I have lost too many times. Intellectually, I know there is more than enough love and success to go around but in my gut I cried.
Too Many Seasons of Not Being Me
My friend, referring to my house selling obligations said, This is just a season. It will pass. I know he is right but I feel like I have watched many seasons pass with me lost in a barrage of doing the expected. I’ve spent seasons being flavorless and asleep. I’m awake now and I can’t bear to go through the motions without expressing myself somehow. Once again I feel my spirit dying in the name of the busy-life because I can’t manage my creative world and my day-to-day responsibilities.
Introverts and Energy Envy
It’s hard to watch someone do with ease what you have struggled to do for years. I have to be mindful of my energy so I don’t get overwhelmed. I used to think of it as the introvert curse. It seems most people DO NOT have to watch their energy levels so diligently. They can barrel through the leg-work of an idea and hit the promotional and productivity road hard.
I can’t spread myself so thin. I’ll crack. My children will pay because my attention will be scanty and my patience will be short. My emotions (the weepy/outburst kind) will surface unbidden. I have to be selective with my endeavors and follow them up with a good amount of restorative solitude.
It sucks but it is also a blessing.
I have to be judicious with my choices but those things I deem valuable I pursue with fierce attention. I may be pulled away by everyday interruptions but I always return. I cannot NOT seek further clarity. My mind involuntarily absorbs information so keenly that it doesn’t stop until it’s reached meaning, beauty or some kind of personal evolution. This is definitely a blessing. This is why trite interactions (short phone calls, gossip, 
small talk) are so energy zapping and meaningful ones are freakin’ exhilarating.
Vulnerability Sets Others Free
Admitting to my friend that I was jealous and a little frightened of his writing plans rendered the most incredible response. I’m not sure if it was the shaky voice or soft crying, but letting down my guard lifted him. He said it made his heart sing. Sing with freedom? Freedom to be real? He said he liked me more because of my vulnerability. He didn’t get defensive about his right to create or make me feel small for getting upset. He was genuinely appreciative of the safe space between us. The space where we can have little meltdowns and not be judged. Wow. Meltdown avoided, empowerment in place.
Have you cracked lately? Do you get jealous of others’ energy and ability to self-promote? Does someone value your sensitivity?
If Introvert Meltdown… spoke to you then you may also love:
How To Be Lively, Energetic and Vibrant When Your True Nature Is Thoughtful, Introverted and Reticent (space2live)
There’s Nothing Wrong With You. You’re an Introvert (space2live)
I’d Rather Not Compete with You: For Introverts or Anyone Who Prefers Excellence Over Dominance (space2live)
[…] Energy Envy and an Introvert Meltdown Curtailed:The Power of Having Your Sensitivity Valued (space2live) […]
You are so clever… I can relate to what you say as a mum of eight and with a very active lifestyle… must remember to breathe of something builds to cracking point for sure…
It’s hard not to make those comparisons. My issues may be a bit different than yours, but that feeling of not being able to do what “they” do is the same—and another waste of our precious energy. In reality, we can only compare ourselves to ourselves and try to be as understanding and compassionate as your lovely friend.
I know you understand personal limitations. So frustrating at times, but you are right, envy is a waste of our precious energy. Embracing our gifts and challenges is much more life enhancing. I actually enjoy competing with myself.:) Compassion for ourselves and others is life-giving/changing. As always, thank you Sandy Sue for your thoughtful response.
Yes, I know all about cracking when things just get TOO much. An introverts dilemma, you are SO right.
Thanks for another thoughtfully open post and to share your vulnerability.
Now, we readers can sigh with relief that we are same after all.
It was such a relief to be able to be vulnerable. My friend’s acceptance was an amazing gift. I want to give that gift to others as well. You are warmly accepted Elizabeth – overwhelm, emotions and all. I get it.;)
i absolutely relate with your post….it’s like you gave words to my thoughts/emotions , to avoid getting into this vulnerable phase , i have started to cultivate – conscious freedom – to remind myself time and again that no matter what happens i am free ……. by accepting that only my actions are under my control , not the results ………… kudos for being so frank ……… luvit
“No matter what happens I am free”. Truth! My actions are my own. I know we are all unique with our own intrinsic gifts to share. I am so grateful for this and the thoughtful community that exists to lift me when I forget.
I used to envy others all the time. I’d even try to do what they were doing just to feel like I could keep up, was included in their circles, so I could bask. It was a bad thing though. I was a bit of an energy vampire. I had to look at things very objectively. Did I really want these things that others seemed to get so effortlessly? Could I feasibly accomplish these same feats? Would I honestly feel better for having accomplished them?
In the end, I had to concede that no, I didn’t really want my M class licence. I just tortured myself through a motorcycle safety course for nothing, and though I still have an M class licence, I’ve never driven a motor cycle, nor will I ever.
Did I really need that MA in English literature and creative writing? No, I only wanted it because all my friends were going to teacher’s college or MAs of their own. I was doing just fine. If I’d only realized then what I know now–that I should just have continued to write–I would probably be a more successful author by now.
I had to stop wanting what others had and wasting my precious introverted energies trying to obtain them. I had to tell myself that I am enough.
I still get terrible guilt from time to time because I choose not to strive fruitlessly after some goal that is not truly mine. I have to remind myself that my choices are different. My goals are different.
You sound like you have accomplished a lot. Perhaps it’s not in the arena that you think you should be in, but it’s something necessary for now. At some point you signed on to sell your house. You made that choice because it was a good or necessary thing for you. You committed to that goal. Treasure all the things that you’ve done in pursuit of that worthy goal. Honour the sacrifices that you’ve had to make. Celebrate when it’s accomplished.
Then choose the next worthy goal and try not to feel ashamed or envious that you’ve made your choice. Every choice comes with sacrifices and gifts.
Hopefully your next choice will come with more of the latter.
You hit the nail right on the head! Recognizing that we are enough.
You pose some brilliant questions. Would I honestly feel better for having accomplished what others accomplished? I did accomplish many of the things others did but in the end I turned around and said this is not me. I’m buried in someone else’s version of success. It took me over 35 years to realize I didn’t truly want what everyone else wanted (successful financially based career, big house, big entertaining, crazy good at multi-tasking). I had been swept up in the achieving/large living current and I eventually started to drown.
You are a strong spirit for knowing you are enough. Your goals are different. I am gaining clarity in those areas as well.
I will honor the sacrifices I make to accomplish the necessary goals I have before me. It’s all part of my growth. I know energy envy is fruitless but it’s real some days. Moving forward with an open heart and mind. I’m so grateful I have writing as an outlet and connecting resource.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. You gave me lovely ideas and support.
It’s definitely a struggle, but it’sdefinitely worthwhile 🙂
I can totally relate! I’m also putting my house on the market and looking at some major life changes ahead. I am frustrated at my emotional response and feeling overwhelmed. I often wish I didn’t have to take the time to retreat and recharge my batteries. It seems so many people just breeze through these experiences! It brought me comfort to read your blog today. I am not alone!
I think the truth is no one breezes through these experiences BUT the extrovert can go perhaps a tad further before losing it.;) The stimulation doesn’t drain them quite as quickly. I grew up with an active extroverted family member that still plows through new challenges with relative ease. I always admire that but now I know there is an emotional toll she internalizes.
Keep reminding yourself of what you have accomplished. Be gentle with yourself. I hope you have a safe place and/or person to embrace you when you’re overwhelmed. Most of the time others can relate and are relieved to know they aren’t the only ones struggling. You are definitely not alone.:)
Yeah, I pretty much have energy envy every single day of my life. I NEVER feel that I have enough. But that’s mostly because I tend to compare myself to others’ output and I always feel I’m not producing enough. I really need to adjust my expectations. 🙂
Yes, I have to remind myself that is not all about quantitative output. I feel internally rich most days but there are days when I succumb to society’s idea of what’s best. I may not churn out masses of writing but I like to think the work I do is extremely thoughtful and truthful. Aim for quality and meaning over quantity and crap right?;) Thanks for sharing so honestly.
As a creative and introvert this post left me puzzled. Competition has never had a role in my creative endeavors, and I’d take it as a bad sign if it did. Jealousy, envy? Even worse. Whatever creative power I have is unique, and intrinsic; the same goes for you.
Your friend could write blog after blog…but only your writing will express your creative thought and I hope you’ll take this as a positive…I’m not trying to be hard on you.
Regarding your friend’s reaction, I’m equally confused…his heart ‘sings’ over your vulnerability? That’s a bandaid at best. Why not sing your praises and remind and affirm to you that the intrinsic ‘you’ cannot be duplicated; there is no competition…that’s medicine.
If you Google the title of the quoted article I’ve excerpted (below) there is an interesting study that I hope you’ll find helpful. Speaking of helpful…I’m posting in the spirit of helpfulness.
“Motivation and Creativity: Effects of
Motivational Orientation on Creative Writers”
TeresaM.Amabile
Brandeis University
This study directly tested the hypothesis that intrinsic motivation is conducive to creativity and extrinsic motivation is detrimental. Chosen because they identified themselves as actively involved in creative writing, 72 young adults participated in individual laboratory sessions where they were asked to write 2 brief poems. Before w riting the second poem , subjects in an intrinsic orientation condition completed a questionnaire that focused on intrinsic reasons for being involved in writing. Subjects in an extrinsic orientation condition completed a questionnaire that focused on extrinsic reasons. Those in a control condition were not given a questionnaire on reasons for writing. Although there were no initial differences between conditions on prior involvement in writing or on creativity of the first poems written, there were significant differences in the creativity of the poems written after the experimental manipulations. Poems written under an extrinsic orientation were significantly less creative than those written in the other two conditions. Im plications for social-psychological and individual-difference concep- tions of creativity are discussed.
Oh wow, you said important things. Thank you. First of all, I completely agree that every artist has their own intrinsic creativity, message, style, way of expressing, etc. I know this in my heart and yet… the ego creeps in occasionally and I feel fear. Fear of not being as good as the next person or fear of being overshadowed. I keep writing because that is what I do. I am internally motivated to create with words and connect with other beings.
I didn’t tell all the details of the exchange with my friend but later I did tell him he must write because his message should be out in the world. I was wrapped up with my own insecurities. Lack of sleep and overstimulation will enhance my insecurities and fuzzy thinking. I understand his creations and mine will always be different because of their sources (our unique internally generated perspectives and artistry).
My friend’s heart sang because he realized how difficult it was for me to show vulnerability and the fact that I could let down my guard with him made him feel honored. He also had a long term relationship where vulnerability was never shown. Being able to exist in a space of openness and realness is a relief to him. He’s relishing his supportive and encouraging role as well. We actually do spend a lot of time affirming and genuinely praising each other.
Thank you for including the article excerpt. What a fascinating study! I’m going to show it to my son who believes chiefly in external motivation.
I take all comments as feedback and do my best to learn from them. I absolutely appreciate your spirit of helpfulness.:)
i had my own little breakdown last night as well.. an insecurity roared it’s ugly head at an awkward time! but the response i received was also empowering for me. it was nice to be vulnerable and land on something soft, tender and accepting.
i believe that growth comes from experiences like these. today i feel stronger, I feel wiser and I feel more free!
Oh Ann our experiences sound so similar.:) Landing on something tender and accepting is such a good feeling (and a relatively new experience for me). I believe this is how we are meant to react to fellow humans. We are all in this together even if we need our space sometimes.;) Nothing better than feeling free to be who you are. Thanks for sharing.
I sooo identify. I found myself getting angry a few days ago, for no apparent reason. Taking some deep breaths, I looked at my anger and realized that I was feeling overwhelmed. I had been running hither and yon all week with precious little quiet time. Today I am staying home in my little house in Maine, reading, being. I can finally breath! The anxiety is gone..I am happy.
It’s so hard to take that time for being but it is so nourishing. A quaint house with a cozy blanket and ample reading supplies sounds heavenly. Sigh** Enjoy and become you again.:)
I needed this today! I’ve been running like mad for the past couple of weeks, and I’m exhausted. God gave me a chest cold and a freezing-rain storm so that I have to stay inside and rest. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone and I’m not crazy.
I think life runs too fast for most people anymore – introverts and extroverts. My you recharge and recover in blissful, calm, slower living. You are definitely not alone.:)