It’s New Year’s Eve 2011, the last time we gather to celebrate as a nuclear family. My soon to be ex-husband hangs out in the study. The kids alternate between their Lego creations and banal shows on the Disney Channel. I scurry around the kitchen trying to put together a festive meal of appetizers. I love to cook but I don’t love tonight. I am under the gun. Our middle son, Josh, wants to get to his friend’s house by 7:15PM. When are you going to make the fondue Mom?
Intermittently, I ask for help (something I’ve become better at doing). The kids and my husband each reluctantly take a turn helping with a task and then immediately return to their respective corners. The meal is a hodgepodge of separate snacks and entrees, yummy and tantalizing, but as disconnected as our family celebration.
Really, That’s It?
Midnight eastern time draws near. Josh is at his friend’s house. Bryce (12) and Anna (8) and I watch the festivities unfold in Times Square on television. A few minutes to twelve in NYC (eleven o’clock Minnesota time) we start to look for Jeff (husband>wasband). He’s not in the study anymore. ?? The kids find him asleep in the bedroom. They wake him up and he joins us. We all sit on the couch and watch the sparkly ball descend. I’m already in the doghouse because I forgot to buy crackers, the English popping party favors with a small gift inside. The ball hits bottom and the clock strikes midnight. We shout, Happy New Year!, and then sort of pat and smile at each other. No kissing or enthusiastic embracing. It’s as anticlimactic as Chevy Chase and his family staring at the Grand Canyon in National Lampoon’s Vacation.
The ball dropped and so did all the couple/family dreams and plans we had carefully constructed over the past decade and a half.
2012 is a whole new existence without a plan or a partner.
Existing Without a Future Plan
Jeff went back to bed, but Anna, Bryce and I stay up until the real Minnesota midnight. I think we are afraid to go to sleep into nothingness. We don’t feel like we are done yet. We can’t say what excites us about 2012.
I hop on the computer and post my favorite New Year’s song – Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. I do this every year. This year I cry as quietly as possible as it plays on my laptop. I can’t shake the melancholy.
Dan Fogelberg
I’m disappointed in myself as I’ve anticipated the end of my marriage and a sense of liberation for quite a while. Jeff and I have not made travel plans together or scheduled date nights for months. This is not new information. I’ve already experienced the vague dull loss of NOT looking forward to something with a partner. I know everything changes and we should not cling to the familiar so, why am I falling apart?
Confusion can be an incredible teacher. How can you learn if you already had it all figured out? ~ Julie Peters
I guess it’s that little thing called suffering that we all must do in order to be completely cracked open like a rib cage during open heart surgery. Open heart – that is what suffering is all about. Apparently, my head knows there is no such thing as permanence but my heart is lollygagging back there in Expectation Land. It has not fully mourned all the old ways but IS lying fully exposed and broken on the surgical table of life.
According to Julie Peters in her article, Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea, this broken vulnerable heart is more powerful than ever. At the moment when you find yourself crying at your laptop over a dissolved future and a Dan Fogelberg song, you are at your most glorious. Know why? Because you are open and flowing in a different direction. Expectations have flown the coop. You are in flux and it sucks but it is how you jump the rut of toxic routines. Opportunities are considered rather than ignored. This is the time to re-arrange the pieces and build yourself anew.
Before going to bed on New Year’s Eve I decide to meditate, a practice I want to return to in 2012. I rest my hands in my lap, palms up and open to external feedback. The house is quiet and my heart feels lighter.
For Auld Lang Syne means for old times’ sake. This year the old times feel bittersweet and the future is unknown. I’ll live in the transitory present and be open to the power of possibilities.
When was the last time you put the pieces back together in a different way? In hindsight, can you see how loss or suffering cleared you of obstacles? Can you imagine living without a future plan?
Just want you to know I’m a 53 y/o introverted man and I really learn a lot here. I’m very impressed and appreciate all that you say here. Thanks for having this blog. It has really helped me understand so much about my introverstion.
Mike
Thank you for letting me know how you connected with space2live. I’m so happy you learned more about yourself. May space2live be your safe introvert home.:)
I so relate to this post. I didn’t tell anyone at the time, but I made a New Year’s Eve 2011: I was giving my marriage one more year to get better. If I remember correctly, it was yet another night of my marriage that I cried myself to sleep. I filed for divorce that October.
I gave my marriage one more year to get better, four years in a row.;) It’s so hard to break that vow, security, lifestyle, partnership. At some point, you get tired of crying. We started our divorce process in October too. It was actually a relief to take action.
Thanks again for a thoughtful comment.
Somehow a LinkedIn discussion led to another blog, which brought me to this post. Glad I got here and took the time to read some of your other writings. Very thoughtful and very worthy of reflection. Then I got to New Year’s piece where you were listening to Same Old Lang Syne and was stumped; always loved Dan Fogelberg’s music, but couldn’t place the song, until i went to YouTube. The video had the lyrics in text and it all came back, along with a tear or two. Thanks for providing a nice mental launchpad for this day, Brenna.
It’s amazing when twists and turns lead us to exactly what we needed. I so appreciate the time you took to sift through my writing and the kind words you left in your comment. I LOVE Same Old Lang Syne, the lyrics and sentimentality speak to me. Happy you found it.
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I enjoyed reading your piece and see how it has helped you. I’ve seen it help me in the past though I don’t remember the last time when. Lately, pain and loss cause more floundering than looking at a new light. Even when I think I have a new light in the future, it seems to be diffused. I’m hoping to get to a point where your point reigns true, but, as of late, it does not. I am thankful, however, for the things arise to take care of me for the moment…in the present. I believe that for most people in most situations, however, that what you stated is trued.
I think we have to flounder for a while, to get down to the point where we can only go up. Struggling gives us time to figure out what we are supposed to learn. Have to breakdown in order to breakthrough. It took me a long time to get the strength to make a move. I certainly don’t have all the answers now but I do know more about what I don’t want and what makes me feel most alive. I know Jeff and I are making the right decision. I have a feeling you are on the verge of your breakthrough Debbi. It’s hard to see the important bejeweled wisdom when you are in the middle of the battle. Keep looking at the possibilities. You are loved! Thanks so much for reading.
Brenda Sue, I also wept. I felt that I needed to share it with my roommate/partner and found I became unintelligible. Indeed, although our minds know that certain steps are good our hearts ache. It does become easier, but just like mourning a loved one, we never “get over” the loss, we just learn to deal with it. I soooo wish I was nearby to hug you. I thought about you at midnight your time (11 AZ time), but thought you have everything so together and planned out that out didnt need a call. I am sorry to not have listened to my instincts. You are a beautiful writer, this blog would make the stoic crumble! Continue with your exploration of life and teach the rest of us how to embrace the divorce process! Love love love love love you!
Oh Jill, my sister in AZ.:) Thank you for thinking of me. I think our hearts and energy are on the same wavelength. You are very much in my thoughts and heart too. All of this change/sadness/fear is necessary for growth – like a forest fire begets new saplings and blossoms.:) I am so looking forward to blooming in the near future!:)
Oh Bren..this made me weep..I feel you sweet girl!! Thanks so much for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable, open and honest enough to share some really personal feelings and emotions. Change and the unknown are also very difficult for me..its been programmed in us I think to fear change and to cling to the familiar to feel safe and secure. I know just how hard this past year has been for you and your family. You are one of the bravest and truly genuine “real” person that I have been lucky enough to meet. Much love sent your way and here is to new beginnings and a bright new future that lays ahead.
Thanks Becca! I know you feel me, as you are a sensitive soul too.:) I know the pain of this transition serves a purpose. Lessons are presenting themselves. I’m excited to put the pieces back together in a wiser more compassionate manner. Maybe my vulnerability will be the next person’s courage. It’s all good in the end.:)