What is the thing you desire most in a relationship? What is the crucial piece you crave or must have in order for your heart to sing? After my marriage ended, I swore I would never be in another relationship without a deep connection. I wanted someone to ‘get me’ and I them.
A key element to have in common with your partner?
According to a study of 375 married couples done by Myers Briggs, the most likely function to have in common with your spouse is the perceiving one; the one that explains how you take in the world and what information you like and trust. There are two options in the perceiving category: Sensing and Intuition. We all use both options to a degree but people who have a Sensing preference are more comfortable with facts, details, sequential steps, past experience and the information that is available to the senses at the moment. Those with an Intuition preference like and trust information that is abstract, conceptual, ‘big picture’, contains patterns and is future oriented. Sensing preferences tend to be seen as practical. Intuitive preferences tend to be seen as dreamers. As you may have guessed, I am an intuitive person, as are many of the readers who follow space2live. We live life based on insight and innovation. We want to make a difference in the world and think in grand scopes. We are pattern recognizers. We use rules as guidelines rather than absolute truths.
Why we need to ‘click’
If you’re with someone that can’t or won’t talk about your ambitions, ideas, and extrapolations on life, the universe and everything, then you’re with the wrong person. Period. That doesn’t mean they have to be Intuitive, but it does mean they can’t be dismissive of your Intuition. If they shut you down every time you want to talk about highly abstract conversations, it doesn’t matter how great they are on paper (or in the sack, or when they take their shirt off…), you’ll only be okay with that for so long before you realize you’ll have to get it from outside the relationship. — Antonia Dodge, 7 Steps to Finding the Perfect Intuitive Relationship
Who wants to get it from outside the relationship if you can have romantic walks, lovemaking AND fulfilling conversations within a relationship?? Wouldn’t that be ideal? Crazy mind-shatteringly incredible??
Excuses for why we don’t fit in or have a boyfriend/girlfriend
Figuring out I am an intuitive thinker explained a lot of things, like why I am or almost annoyed with a lot of the content found in everyday discussions (schedule recitation, details about how tasks are accomplished, talk about sport’s scores or sale prices). It also helped me see why I felt different or unable 
to contribute in many groups. According to Myers Briggs studies, only 25-30% of the population prefer Intuition. Those whose main way to think is intuitively are the minority. That could, theoretically, put us at a disadvantage for finding a most compatible mate.
Increase your odds
Given that 70% of the population do not think the way I do, it’s no wonder I had a hard time finding people who wanted to sit around and talk about meaningful stuff. I was outnumbered in most situations in school and at work because I followed a fairly typical path (public schools, large state university, corporate America). Interestingly, I would guess my family of origin consists of 75% intuitive individuals (Very ‘big picture’) and at least one of my best friends growing up was an intuitive as well. Somehow I strayed from that lovely cocoon of like-mindedness (even there I didn’t speak up often perhaps because of my introversion or fear of releasing jumbled thoughts) and went more Sensing once I hit college.
If only I would have found my tribe earlier. If only I would have taken more writing classes or made more friends in psychology. I could have networked with other intuitives. The secret to finding others who make the same leaps in understanding is to hang out where they do — personal development seminars, trailblazing organizations, artist’s dens, non-profit institutions, coffee shops, etc. Instead, I was nearly 37 years old and married to a man with a strong sensing preference, before I figured out how and where to bask in the glow of other idealists and spider-web thinkers. Ah well, at least I gained insight on how the other 70% live.
Why it’s a struggle to find an intuitive
Besides the above mentioned fact that only 30% of the population are intuitive thinkers, there is another reason why it might be difficult to get to know one of us. We hide or mask ourselves as sensing, fact based thinkers just like left-handers learn to use right-handed tools and introverts learn to extrovert. And as Antonia Dodge states in her intriguing article, 7 Steps to Finding the Perfect Intuitive Relationship, most people don’t give a rat’s butt about the plight of the left-handed. It’s often easier to go with the majority, but not nearly as fulfilling. It’s not that those who prefer sensing aren’t enriching but finding another intuitive is like finding someone who speaks your language while traveling in a foreign country. The electricity generated when two intuitives spin their idea and meaning based magic is other-worldly and uber restorative for our spirits.
I highly recommend revealing your intuitive self in order to attract this kind of beautiful relationship.
Are you an intuitive living in a sensing environment? Are you an introvert as well? How often and with whom do you let your intuitive flag fly? What is your favorite thing about being intuitive?
[…] (H/T to Brenda Knowles) […]
This is so so true!! I’ve been dating an ISTJ for about a year and a half and this is a huuuge barrier. It almost feels like your “real self”, the things that you want to talk about most, the things that allow you to connect the deepest to people, is suffocated as your tries continuously gets met with disappointing responses. It’s like you get negatively reinforced so many times that you eventually stop trying and almost forget it’s so core to your being. Instead, you listen to the tedious details and surface topics and begin to think that’s the norm and you have to deal with it. But then when you meet another intuitive, they encourage, embrace, and appreciate those parts you’ve been neglecting. It’s so amazing and refreshing. It makes me wonder if the sensing preference can ever truly appreciate who you are like an intuitive could, because they see our speculations as something to be tolerated or humored because of obligation. How can you feel deeply loved when the other person doesn’t even see the side of you that you consider to be the most unique and interesting? And on the other side as well, I sometimes wonder if a sensing partner would feel constantly exhausted trying to keep up with the kind of conversation we crave.
Okay sorry that was super long, but I think about this all. the. time.
I was married to an ISTJ, sometimes acted like an ESTJ. They have many wonderful qualities but we did have a hard time connecting emotionally, spiritually, mentally. We simply take in the world differently. It’s possible to have a loving, lovely relationship with someone who prefers sensing there just has to be a mutual appreciation and respect for your differences. I recommend being with someone who makes you feel alive and at home.:)
Reblogged this on maida31.
Thank you so much for sharing with your audience!!
Brenda, this topic intrigues me. I wonder, when dating a new person, how can you ‘test out’ whether they are sensing or not?
The tell-tale signs I use to determine if someone is more of a sensor or intuitive are: Their interest or attachment to facts, details, numbers and concrete information. If they often talk numbers and don’t like to expand on ideas then they are probably sensors. The people with whom I can have expansive two-way conversations with are more like me in their intuitive thinking. Intuitives come up with lots of possibilities and like systems or whole pictures. Sensors seem to be more comfortable with small talk, day to day details. Sensors talk more in definable subjects. Intuitives will talk about concepts like love, spirituality, psychology. Of course, I am totally generalizing here. We all use sensing and intuition every day, but one or the other will be more comfortable for us. Hope that helps. Great question! Thanks for asking. 🙂
What a wonderful article. So true and just what I needed to read right now. I also enjoyed the article linked. Thank you, Brenda. Your blog means more than you might know. Although, you probable intuit that.
Thank you for your positive words. I thought Antonia Dodge’s article was so interesting! Glad it resonated with you as well.
I have been married 40 years to a great guy who is the epitome of a sensor. Even though he doesn’t understand my need for regular alone time and still takes it personally, solitude is necessary for my good health and he does get that.
Even though this excellent article is geared toward finding the right life partner, I would like to know how to find girlfriends. Got any ideas how to find a like minded tribe?
I have found the best girlfriends while doing what I love. Most of my friends come from the health club where I’ve worked out for 10 years. I met most of them in a cardio/dance/kickboxing class. The music and instructor (also a friend of mine) are so good. People who are drawn to the class seem to be perfect tribe-women for me. A few words to someone about the class in the locker room and you have instant connection. I have also met and made dear friends in my monthly writing group. We respond to prompts in writing and then share our words. It’s been great bonding fodder. Do you have any passions? If so, see if there is a group near you that meets regularly. Consistent meeting times seems to be a key ingredient to developing deep friendships. Hope that helps a little. Our tribe/support system is so crucial. Thanks for commenting.