My last relationship ended before it got serious. He stopped putting energy into it before we were fully intimate, fully trusting, deeply involved. In my opinion, it ended on the edge of amazing.
I have a desire to go deep. To wander into an intimacy that provides a safe place to be wild, quiet, emotional, sexual and above all, exactly who we are.
Now I have to start over on the dating circuit. Back to square one, sorting the superficial from the significant. The fun, outgoing, athletic, love-anything-outdoors guys from the self-aware, grateful, reflective, love-you-deep-into-your-soul guys.
How to do it differently this time so I end up in the highest intimacy?
Be Very Very Real
I had dates but only one serious relationship before I met my husband. Part of the reason for my dearth of deep relationships back then was that I didn’t know myself. I had very little self-awareness. There was nothing to be attracted to except my physical appearance, which was, of course, only skin deep. Nothing truly intimate or lasting came from a relationship based on appearance only.
Things are different now. I know myself a helluva lot better. I’ve been through some sh*t and survived. I’ve experienced bliss and know how beautiful feels.
How to convey who I am now?
By re-writing my online dating profile.
I was driving home one night and happened to catch Minnesota resident and author of Real Love Right Now, Kailen Rosenberg, on the radio. Her advice to singles putting their profiles online? Be very very real, authentic, specific and honest. Be vulnerable. Reveal your heart. Not everyone is going to like what you write but your special person will.
I was inspired.
Mind you, my original profile was honest and I considered it somewhat flavorful but it wasn’t brave or revealing.
The next day I erased everything in the main section of my profile and started from scratch. In true introvert form, I typed it up on Microsoft Word first so that I could edit and craft it to perfection.;)
I filled the blank space of my profile with inner truths about me. I mentioned that I am a sensitive person, easily moved by art, music and vulnerability. I expressed that I am sensual and enjoy cooking and kissing. I gave my Myers Briggs type preference (INFP) and stated that I am an idealist and a dreamer. I talked about my children and how they affect my decisions and how I want someone willing to invest in them as well as me. Lastly, I admitted I don’t have the energy to date or correspond with multiple people. I want a long-term relationship, something extraordinary and intimate.
Years of self-examination put to good use!
Then I waited…
But not very long. The very same day I received responses specifically citing lines from my new profile. One gentleman even said he’d read my profile before and basically gave it a meh, but now he was intrigued. Men sent me faceted emails with honest and real information about themselves. My openness seemed to attract them as well as give them permission to share freely. Brilliant! It worked. It really worked.
Then I was a little overwhelmed
The lengthy in-depth emails kept coming. I thoughtfully responded to each one. My inbox was hopping. My phone was chiming with texts. I was having phone conversations for hours. I was scheduling dates. I understand this is the natural progression of things and I was amazed and so thankful for the interest, but I was spinning. I wanted to connect deeply with every sweet suitor but I couldn’t. Building trust and getting to know everyone’s story takes energy. My kids are home for the summer so I was already in introvert survival mode. Additional socializing during my kid-free time made me feel a little buzzy and over-stimulated. I was reaching for chocolate and caffeine a lot. I was pushing myself and getting tired.
Hurry up and get to one serious relationship
This introvert definitely prefers depth to breadth in relationships. I’d much rather have a few rich and profound relationships than have thousands of friends.
As always seems to be the case, I was torn between deeply connecting and taking time to recharge.
Then something incredible happened. The men I found most wonderful set up future dates with me and backed off. They, too, needed less interaction. Their lives were also full. There was an unspoken promise to connect in high quality when we did see each other. They knew how to go deep with someone but then return to themselves. They didn’t leave me wondering. They left me anticipating.
Time will tell if I am long-lasting compatible with these gentleman but at the moment I feel safe and excited. I know something deep is possible just past the edge of amazing.
How did you attract your mate? Does your depth intimidate people?
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