Becoming Real: What Happens When You've Been Through Some Sh*t

English: pg 18 and 19 of The Velveteen Rabbit. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It doesn’t happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. …Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

~  from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

They’re Real and They’re Spectacular

Let’s have a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes Party, says my friend *Desiree.  She and I are newly divorced and drinking in life with open eyes and resilient hearts. We’ve moved through scared sadness and arrived at celebratory exploration. What’s out there for us now that we are conscious of our own happiness and choices?  What’s out there now that we are so very real?

I’m in no way saying divorced people are more real and alive than anyone else.  Realness has more to do with wisdom, awareness and vulnerability which coincidentally often surface when you are alone or have gone through some bad sh*t.

We expect authenticity from toddlers and the elderly but somewhere in between we become methodic in our practices and weak in our convictions.  We stop listening to our internal guide and focus on external drivers. We can be very false.  We may be covered in shiny adornments and the latest way of thinking but that’s not real. That’s plastic and make-believe.

Individuals who achieve Realness are spectacular. They are lights for others.  They love  fully and deeply because they can.  They are real inside and it shows on the outside. Often stuffing is showing and joints are worn out but the wear and tear does not dim the glow of authenticity.

Awareness

Which is easier? Looking to your friends, family and environment to figure out who you are and who you should be or looking deep within yourself to see the flaws, weaknesses, gifts and truth that reside there? Hmmm. It’s like shopping at Target versus making presents by hand. Target is convenient and in your face.  Homemade is flawed and effortful.  Which one produces a more meaningful gift? Which one represents the real you?

Subconsciously, we pick up on cues from the outside world. Ads tell us what to wear, what to drink and how to improve ourselves with drugs. The people around us influence our decisions by expressing their thoughts and fears and desires. External clues are pervasive and persuasive especially when we don’t take time to pause and reflect or experience solitude.

Awareness surfaces when we stop going through the motions —stop being moved along by our environment — and listen to what our gut/intuition/heart/higher-power says.

When I first realized I was an introvert I was disappointed.  I so wanted to be an extrovert like all the cool kids. I felt slightly plagued with a malady that was coded into my being. I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with all the master multi-taskers and talkers who make the world go ’round. Then I spent a good amount of time reading and learning about introversion.  I let the information simmer in my psyche. The benefits of my temperament became more clear and the disappointment diminished.  I began to see myself in other introspective souls. I became aware that I wasn’t alone. I wanted to connect deeply with others. Understanding myself helped me ACT from a pure place.

Know who you are — flaws and all — and find the freedom of Realness.

Wisdomy

A friend looked at a picture of himself from 14 years ago and said, I was innocent and clueless then. I’m more wisdomy now.  Wisdom comes from making mistakes and surviving.  Becoming real and wise hurts sometimes. We go through pain that takes our breath away.  We learn about ourselves, what we can handle, what sends us over the edge, what puts us over the moon, where love lies and how it feels to lose and give it.

Towards the end of my marriage there were panic attacks, sleepless nights and crying jags. During the day I dragged through my duties.  The wee hours of the morning brought worry, unrest and the deepest darkness I had ever felt. Lack of sleep is crazy-making. I learned that in a training seminar about chemical dependency. I believe it.

I’m quite sure my eyes dropped out and I looked very shabby.

I’m quite sure I was not the best mother, wife or me at that time.

But… I came out of that darkness by taking action from a place of realness. I gained deep compassion for others’ suffering, confidence in my ability to endure, and knowledge of the darkest corners of my being.  I uncurled from the fetal position and experienced the light of life again. My eyes became shiny and bright.

True wisdom comes from knowing yourself and ACCEPTING what you know. This is Realness.

Vulnerability 

The last step to becoming real is expressing every part of you without apology. You have  something to contribute.  I don’t mean you should preach to others.  I do mean you should speak openly, with vulnerability.  It’s a way of giving love to others.  It says, It’s OK to be a bit broken. You are still beautiful. You can’t be ugly if you are real.

The Velveteen Rabbit achieved realness by receiving true love from the boy.  I think we differ from the rabbit.  I think we become real by understanding and loving ourselves which in turn gives us the ability to express love openly.

What do you think?  How real are you? How could you be more authentic?

Related Articles:

A Love Letter: Do You Desire To Be Deeply Loved? (thedailylove.com)

Self-Actualization and the Suburban Mother (space2live)

Chasing Love (space2live)

Steven Tyler and an Introvert: Expanding Through Music, Stillness and the Inner Garden (space2live)