floating with balloon

Lightly Child, Lightly

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them…So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. ~ Aldous Huxley, Island

(Above passage discovered in David Kanigan’s beautiful blog Lead. Learn. Live.)

I have the hardest time going lightly.  I’m damn sensitive. I absorb every comment, look and gesture.  Criticism is felt deeply, so is praise. I can’t turn it off.  My friend tells me I analyze  too much but I secretly know I love to analyze and it is natural and involuntary for me. When you intensely process life  you do not go lightly.

Want Light but Feel Heavy

Feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.  I work on this every day.

For a while I didn’t feel so light.  There was a slightly sad feeling living beneath my smile.  The feeling passed but for a while the quicksand was present and pulling.

Like a water bug I rested or moved on surface tension.  If I allowed myself to feel too deeply the tension broke and part of me slipped below, down where emotions and worry threatened to overcome me. I moved forward with lightness so I wouldn’t fall into darkness.

Go Lightly in Matters That Scare You 

 I want financial independence.  For over 13 years I relied solely on my ex-husband’s income. In order to get away from dependency I’ve left my comfort zone in the dust.  I put together a resumé with scraps of work experience I gathered over the last 13 years.  I’m spearheading my job search and praying to find a career that not only is flexible and gives me an income but also allows me to feel competent and at least somewhat fulfilled.  The competent part is what trips me up.  It’s hard to go lightly when your heart is pounding and you are feeling uneasy about your abilities.  I’m so low on the learning curve of every career possibility.

To combat the worrying, I take little light steps forward (take classes, practice at home, find mentors) toward ability, knowledge and experience.  I slough off the uneasiness and move forward by building meaningful connections (at least this comes naturally to me). I go small and lightly so I don’t stop completely and let insecurity win.

Go Lightly in Matters of the Heart

 I want to be in a relationship again.  I miss the intimacy of a partner. I want to love, share and co-create with someone every day.  The other side of the bed has been empty long enough.

one side untouched

I am good at creating long lasting relationships.  Even when relationships end, we usually remain friends because there is a core respect.

So what am I afraid of?  I am afraid of hurting others.  I’m afraid of never finding love.   I’m afraid of losing myself… again.  I’m afraid of it not working…again.

Yet I find it almost impossible to go lightly into new relationships.  The men I see don’t want to date casually.  They want a long term relationship and honestly, so do I.  Can you go lightly where hearts are involved? I believe when you fall into something really good there is no stopping the dopamine rushes and deep longing that  arises.  What you can do is let go of perfect. No one and no relationship is perfect.  I need to put a serious cap on my analyzing and just float in the incredible headiness of romance and love. There is no stopping feelings of love.  They may even help you let go of the scars and hurt from previous relationships.  Love has a way of making light work of  heaviness.  When you receive love you feel lighter.  When you give it, you soar.

 Trying Too Hard

For much of my life I tried too hard.  I tried to be a person who could handle everything and ask for more.  I tried to succeed at every endeavor even if I had to disregard a nagging feeling that what I was doing did not feel natural. Why didn’t I let myself be more silly? More carefree? Why so serious?

When I’m feeling insecure I slip back into that mentality.  I have to keep up with others. I force myself to push through instead of listening to my gut.  It may sound like a cop-out, but I believe much of life today is spent making things happen, making it work, instead of breathing easily and lightly letting things fall into place. You must PUSH forward, instead of moving forward with gentle steps. There’s more competition and less letting things unfold. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe there is a time for action, just not all the time. Floating_feather_by_shadowlight_oak Too much forcing and we miss out on listening, beauty, laughs and intuition.

A lot of moving lightly has to do with staying present.  Don’t let past memories or past identities weigh heavy on your spirit.  Now is what’s real.  Go forward from here with less luggage.  This is what I tell myself.  Move forward with who you are not who you were. Choose happiness by letting things flow naturally, no forcing, no faking.  No being sucked down into despair by the past or by things out of my control.  There is so much good to be felt. So much to experience and explore.  It’s easier to explore when you are traveling lightly.

 How do you move lightly? Is life more complicated than when we were kids? Is there anything weighing you down?