Behind your greatest fear lies your greatest gift. ~ TUT, Notes from the Universe
I surrendered to one of my greatest fears today and after doubling over sobbing for ten minutes or so, I actually noticed a feeling of lightness, relief and freedom. Sort of like the paradoxical freedom I’ve heard terminally ill people feel when given the damning diagnosis. Now I know what’s going to get me and when. Total outrageous living starts now!
I made one of those adult-take the high road-gut wrenching decisions. It wasn’t exactly Sophie’s Choice — no one is dying — but it did involve the children/home/finances trifecta. As so often happens, the answer came to me in the night. From the ether of semi-sleep and unguarded thoughts comes clarity.
Giving In Does Not Mean Losing
Last week in Are Introverts Givers or Takers? Does Managing Our Energy Limit our Generosity?, I wrote about giving and taking. My new awareness and self-examination regarding giving definitely influenced my choice. I sincerely believe if you give for the benefit of others you will gain peace and contentment in the long run. This, of course, is not the rationale for doing good things. If you are gunning for a short-cut to peace and contentment you’ll be disappointed. It takes genuine thoughtfulness and sacrifice.
Not Exactly Gracious At First
I can’t say that I took the high road from the beginning. I was so pissed. My ego was wounded, raw and engaged. I cursed, lost sleep and may have spewed venomous negativity while in the safe company of friends.
I let the worry and anger eat at me until I wanted to throw up or rip my brain out for its incessant anxiety loop. As an introvert, you can imagine the amount of internal dialogue going on. I could almost feel the stress aging and sickening me.
Needless to say, my creativity was stifled this week. There was little to no space for ingenuity and dreamy associations. This will be a short post but before I close I want to share something I learned.
Feeling Controlled?
Prior to making the decision I felt controlled and manipulated. I learned that giving and surrendering are the highest forms of freedom. Choosing to give up or lose put me in charge. Please remember this when faced with what seems like a situation with no options.
Have you ever surrendered and felt relief? When was the last time you gave in? Are you afraid of being walked on?
Related articles
- How to win while being generous: Givers can avoid burnout by shunning free-riders and give-nothing-back takers (sub.garrytan.com)
- Permission to be Vulnerable= Permission to Awaken = Permission to Evolve (space2live)
- Introverted Not Incompetent: Validating Softer Life Skills (space2live)
“Spewed venomous negativity” – been there done that (I’m afraid too many times). First step in recovery is recognizing…(I’m still workin’ it)
I thought I had a handle on negativity but apparently my buttons can still be pushed. I, too, am a work in progress. Thanks David.
Congratulations <3 xoxox
Thank you writing sister.:)
I reread this three times and I’m having a hard time understanding. I’m currently in a frustrating position where I feel like my only choices are being manipulated by outside forces or choosing to admit failure.
Can I at least ask if your fear was “doing something”, “letting something happen”, or “resigning to a current situation”?
So sorry to be getting back to you so late. I guess my situation was more letting something happen. I made a decision to let go of something that means a great deal to me and affects my relationships (with friends, ex-spouse and children). My heart is still a little broken but I do feel I had some power in choosing to let go.
In your case I suggest surrendering to what is right. I could never encourage you to allow yourself to be manipulated. We all fail sometimes. Learn from it and rise above it.
Sending you strength and peace.:)
I had to think about this post a lot. I always considered myself an extrovert aspiring to be an introvert because I saw firsthand the benefits to living life “under the radar”. So the fear behind the unforseen circumstances which forced me to leave my 7 year relationship to enter a new one & subsequent loss of both parties originally felt like the universe was charging me a high price for a happiness I couldn’t see. I know now that this was a wrong way of looking at the situation. It really took the entire year to own up to ALL of my decisions (right, wrong, indifferent) to realize that there’s freedom in not just letting go of what I thought I controlled, but also in getting rid of visions of what I thought I wanted and needed. I have learned what so many people knew already: I am not in control. Sure I gave up two special people in my life, but I also found myself in the process. Fear is a great motivator even though we don’t like that uneasy feeling it brings. Thank you for continuing to let us in on the lessons of your personal journey. It is encouraging.
Sorry I am responding so long after your comment. I’ve had technical difficulties.
I keep finding myself a little more every day. No we are definitely not in control. I am also more aware of others who want to control me. The more brave I get and the more I let go the more freedom I feel. It’s not easy and I’m still in the throws of it but I’m learning. I appreciate your experience and the lessons you have learned.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m cheering for you. Strength and peace to you.
You had a sacred, archetypal experience. In The Varieties of Religious Experience, William James described it as “self surrender.” In Twelve Step programs it is known as hitting bottom and surrendering to a Higher Power, however you choose to define it—perhaps your own inner and previously inaccessible wisdom. Life brings you to your knees, and you admit you don’t have an answer. Then something new enters.
I’m so sorry for the late reply. I was unexpectedly left disconnected from the world due to technical difficulties. You definitely said it all.
I did feel like I hit bottom and then surrendered. I’m hoping to bounce next time I hit bottom.;)