It’s midnight and my eleven year old son, Bryce, and I are camping out on my dad’s property. It’s not ideal camping weather. There’s a chance of a storm and the thermometer hovers around 45 degrees. The plump air mattress under our two-man tent uses up a precious four inches of floor to ceiling space. Bryce sleeps nearest the door because he will use the outdoor restroom facilities at least once during the night. We are both zipped up snugly in our heavy duty sleeping bags, cozy and confined. Like a fleece straightjacket. I turn off the flashlight after reading Steven Tyler’s biography Does the Noise in My Head Bother You to Bryce as a surprisingly charming bedtime story. I stare at the tent roof and its blackness which magnifies the pitch silence of dad’s country yard. The only noise is a creek that burbles like a witch’s cauldron.
Where are the crickets?
The noise in my own head starts to work on me. Claustrophobia begins to gnaw at my entrapped legs and arms. I feel wedged between Bryce’s body and the low end of the ceiling. I only feel blackness. I try to imagine the wide open acreage that lies on the other side of the thin nylon wall.
Kids home for the summer = worrisome
As summer approaches I have that same feeling of confinement. My three beautiful children will be home to fill every inch of our home with their energy, bodies and stuff. I know I should be looking forward to spending sunny lazy days with my darlings but I am honestly feeling the zipper on the sleeping bag rise.
What most people don’t know about introverts
I am an introvert, as is 25% – 50% of the U.S. population. Being an introvert has more to do with where I get my energy than how outgoing I am. I am fascinated by people. I am NOT a shy wallflower. I do recharge my batteries in solitude. Extroverts get energy from being with others and from hits of stimulation.
A gift of introversion is the ability to process information deeply, go internal. Intuition is strong. Art, nature and music greatly affect introverts. We endlessly reflect on significance. A down side to this intense processing and pondering is the limited amount of stimulation our brains can absorb. Too much stimulation and our minds go numb from overload. We can’t process it at the level of depth we would like.
Parenting without sacred space
Interruptions (constant phone calls, knocks on the bathroom door, projects abandoned midway) make me (and most introverts) kind of crazy. I breathe when I have hours to read, write, listen to music, go for walks, exercise, be in silence. I know myself. I am intimate with my limitations. I know the level of busy I find invigorating and the level of busy where I drown. I am fortunate to be able to stay at home during the day by myself. I am so grateful for that option.
Writing will be difficult during the summer months. I won’t have the space to read for inspiration or to write in open-ended intervals. The writing and living will be in fits and starts based on meal schedules and children’s voices. During the summer I rarely get to toggle back and forth between internal and external worlds. I am primarily grounded in external Mommy-dom. I do my best, but feel guilty about not having more energy to give to the kids. But, every year I understand myself a little better. I work to accept family demands and see the gifts of an introverted nature. I find wiggle room within my roles.
I will have help from a dear and familiar babysitter this summer. She will keep tabs on the kids two days a week while I hide out in the study taking big gulps of privacy like a drowning man takes air.
I AM excited for a new season. I love the energy that comes from being outside in the sun’s awakening rays. I love my three rambunctious child/puppies’ desire to play. I remember summer freedom and the possibility of adventure. I am game for road trips, the Slip and Slide and lemonade stands. I just need time to reflect in between.
Bryce has already asked me to take him camping this summer. I’m all for it provided we take a bigger tent.;)
I would love to hear from other parents about how you handle summer chaos. Where do you find space for yourself?
**If you know someone who is an introvert please don’t expect them to multi-task and socialize like crazy. They are not designed for that. Forcing them to extrovert will never help. Chances are they are already giving more than they are comfortable with because it is deemed way cooler to be an extrovert in western cultures. Appreciate their empathy, intuition and artistic understanding. Introverts are fantastic advisors as they spend a lot of time reflecting and observing. For more detailed information regarding introversion check out The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. **
If this piece resonated or affected you in a meaningful way, I would truly appreciate it if you would share it with others who may benefit.
Thank you,
Brenda
If this post hit home with you as a parent, I suggest you also read:
Touring Without Guilt (space2live)
In Defense of Introverted Parents (space2live)
When Parenting Overwhelms (space2live)
There’s Nothing Wrong with You. You’re an Introvert. (space2live)
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Wow….I’ve never heard anyone else explain that they feel this way! I have always dreaded summer…I have one, high maintenance child and am always exhausted. All of my friends have 2+ kids and I have never understood how they do it. Parenting is, hands down, the most draining experience I’ve ever had. It helps to know I am not alone :). Thank you!
How old is your child? I have found as my kids get older it gets easier. I have 3 and for a while they blew my mind. Now they all want space of their own or they are off with their friends. I still get a little anxious as summer approaches but I have learned to get up early and be productive or non-productive in those early hours when the house is quiet. Big hug! Breathe and establish boundaries. Let your child know you are a person and you need time to yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.
We downsized to a new home this year, so the “togetherness” is even more intense this summer. Thank you for the gentle reminder that it’s okay to carve out time and space to go deeper within for respites. I, too, have three very active (very loud!) kiddos that I adore, and if I don’t remember to take those breaks, I will go nuts.
Ah yes, three children. Always one ball in the air and as my mother-in-law used to say, more children than hands. I hope you have a supportive partner that respects your need for personal respites. I have found that if a partner acknowledges the value of going within the children will be more accepting as well.
Getting up early while the house is still silent is another way to preserve your sanity. I often stick with the school schedule and get up at 6:15AM in order to spend quiet time reading, meditating, daydreaming and writing.:) Best of luck! Much energy and peace to you.:) Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
What a treat to find such a kindred spirit! Yes, my husband very much understands and respects my need for quiet and space. He’s really good about taking the kids out on Saturdays to do some extrovert-y stuff while I get to spend some time home or in the garden by myself.
And I, too, have stuck to the school schedule, getting up just when he’s leaving for work, and snagging a good hour before anyone else rolls out of bed. Because, once they do … WOW! …. you can feel the energy in the air!
Thank you for responding. I’m looking forward to keeping up with your blog now that I’ve found it.
Yes, kindred spirits – keepers of sacred space.:) I always take a deep breath at the start of summer break. I know there will be days that test my temperament (a lot) and days filled with carefree laughter. I make sure I exercise my right to peace every once in a while.:) Thanks for following my blog. I truly appreciate it!
Your reminders about the value of uninterrupted solitude and finding space to live and reflect are much appreciated. Good luck with your balancing act, and enjoy your summer parenting. GF
Thanks! I wrote that post last year. I still get a tad panicky when I think about all of the “togetherness”. I both look forward to it and worry about my energy levels. I now have an arsenal of ways to recharge so summer can be a time for making memories and relaxing.
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[…] I mentioned my fear of non-stop kid chaos during school breaks in Thoughts for the Thoughtful and An Introvert Prepares for Summer Parenting. I spoke of a deep need for meaningful accomplishment in A Room of One’s Own. More than […]
Good writing as always, Brenda!
This is one of those pieces where I feel uncomfortably vulnerable.;) Ripe for judgment but stating my truth. I struggle between being fully my self and being a fully engaged parent.
Beautifully said.
Thanks for reading Jill.:)