More than once last year, I found myself completely smitten with a man and then, a month or two later, I’d have doubts and reservations about the relationship. I could chalk it up to being an introvert who doesn’t mind time alone or the fact that I’ve been through a divorce and am especially sensitive to relationship discontent but really I just want to know if long term love is possible. What does it take to make love last? Does it ever last?
Michelle Williams/Seth Rogan Take This Waltz
In the movie, Take This Waltz, actress Michelle Williams‘ character, Margot, falls in love with an artist who lives across the street. She strategically bumps into him whenever possible and gets the highest thrill from his words and presence. Exciting? Yes, but she is married to Seth Rogan‘s character, Lou, during the dalliance. Spoiler alert* She ultimately breaks Lou’s heart. In the painful breakup scene Lou cries as he says, I thought you were going to be there when I died.
Oh my God.
I’m not saying that because I never imagined Seth Rogan in a serious role. That was the saddest, most vulnerable, admission I’d heard in a long time. According to the movie’s director, Sarah Polley, the cameraman blinked away tears and the rest of the crew, director included, looked down as Lou’s (Seth’s) emotions poured out during the filming. As I watched Take This Waltz, my heart leapt for him but …my brutally honest inner -goddess understood Margot’s need for passion and novelty. I cried at the end of the movie because it brought up all the doubts I have about long-term love and it portrayed my biggest fear — hurting someone else.
An underlying message in Take This Waltz is, everything shiny eventually dulls. Stay with it or seek something new? How much dullness can you accept? How much can be abated with love and effort?
The first kiss is magic. The second is intimate. The third is routine.
I worry about that point of restlessness in a relationship. How can you lessen the effects of hedonic adaptation — where we get so used to things that make us feel good that we stop noticing them? According to a study mentioned in the New York Times article, New Love – A Short Shelf Life, newlyweds enjoy a happiness boost of about two years before they return to the level of happiness or unhappiness they were before the marriage. Two years!
How to keep the spark ignited?
Surprise = Better Than Variety or Stability
We’ve all heard about the importance of getting out and trying new things together and spicing up your sex life. There is proof of the advice’s validity. According to neuroscientific experiments, surprise and novelty trigger more activity in the positive emotion part of the brain than stability. When something novel happens we pay attention and remember it. We have more powerful reactions which tend to keep us from taking things for granted.
One study mentioned in New Love – A Short Shelf Life, showed that women in long-term 
relationships are more likely to lose interest in sex (and sooner ) than men. Why? Because our idea of passionate sex is more directly tied to novelty. So, umm guys we may not be tired. We may be bored. Surprise us. I’m going to chime in with my two cents and say that surprise doesn’t have to mean kinky. It could be a different time of day or a rendezvous in a new location (an unchristened room in the house even).
In a pre-emptive strike against dulling out, I’ve asked the significant man in my life if he’ll go on adventures with me. To be clear, an adventure could be a short road trip ending at a Holiday Inn Express in Wisconsin or a spur of the moment visit to an apple orchard. He’s on board so there’s hope. My fears were somewhat quelled months ago when he said (unprompted) that he likes to keep things new, do different things, as a couple.
Beyond Passion
Most love moves from passionate to companionate (a deep affection, connection and liking) according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The Myths of Happiness. In her book Dr. Lyubomirsky gives several ways to keep love alive including:
- Truly listening to each other and showing admiration.
- Appreciation. Count your blessings and don’t take a partner for granted.
- Variety and novelty. Mix things up to stave off hedonic adaptation.
- More non-sexual touching. Sitting side by side. Shoulder rubs. Hand holding. Generates tenderness.
- Positive energy. Thriving couples offer each other five times as many positive verbal and emotional expressions as negative.
My current relationship is still new and shiny but I feel there is potential for continued passion and companionship. We’ll have to make sure to surprise each other and keep up the non-sexual touching. Wouldn’t it be great if we could maintain the happiness buzz past two years?
Related articles
- New Love: A Short Shelf Life (nytimes.com)
- Well: That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work (well.blogs.nytimes.com)
- Love Squared: Giving My Heart to Two Men. ~ Mandy Fox (elephantjournal.com)
- Chasing Love (space2live)
- Newly Divorced Introvert Follows Her Heart for a Change (space2live)
- Michelle Williams, ‘Take This Waltz Star, on ‘, Dawson’s Creek’, ‘Cougar Town’ and Not Watching Prometheus in Her Spare Time (Huffington Post)
I’ve always been afraid of reaching that ‘ordinariness’ space in relationship, where shininess is dulled. I have however been in a relationship for the past 5 years (yes, 5!) with an amazing man (sensitive, calm, supportive, compassionate heart, incredibly funny), and we are whole heartedly committed to our shared lives. We discovered “OMing” with Nicole Daedone which is about incredibly close connection (closer than I imagined possible), ‘slow sex’ and re-awakening ourselves to each other. I rate this even better than the first round of shininess :-). She has a book, Slow Sex, which is available as an e-book. I read about it first on this blogsite http://www.4hourlife.com.
Oooh I wrote about Slow Sex in one of my posts on dating post divorce. Good for you!! I’m a believer in lovely, slow, sensual intimacy.
[…] So Your Love Isn’t Shiny and New Any More. Now What? […]
[…] So Your Love Isn’t Shiny and New Any More. Now What? […]
You nailed it, Brenda! After completing a Myers/Briggs personality test that revealed my intense need for new and change, it only makes sense that my relationships often crave this, too. So, the fact that many people are like this naturally, and now a confirmation that I am a bit wired beyond the norm in this need, my fickle response to the opposite sex is no surprise when I reflect back on my relationships as I matured. When I found my current marriage partner, I feared deeply that I would lose interest eventually as I always did, and who would want to do that to someone again? It took almost 13 years for the twinge of wonder to return as we grew apart–kids, careers, lack of care for one another. On one hand, I am thankful I lasted 13 years without questioning my true love for someone. On the other hand, it is difficult once you realize the other person does not make you feel shiny anymore, and that perhaps you do not make that other person feel shiny either. This “stage” in our marriage is now recognized, and we are working to bridge the gaps we have created. To keep my sanity after nights of worry and wonder, I finally “let go” and left my fate to God. And, when I say “God,” I use that term broadly to include what I believe is God–an invisible energy force that has guided me all my life. Some call that energy force Buddha, Allah, Nature Force, Goddess. Now, I sleep better knowing all will turn out just as it should, and only God knows what that is. I just ask for the guidance.
What Meyers-Briggs combo are you? I’m INFP or INFJ. It varies. I bet you’re something with an E at the beginning. I wonder if I have the same gene for new and change. I like the familiar but I am always curious and open to learning new things and making connections with new people.
I’m glad you recognized (together?) the unshiny stage in your marriage and now you are moving forward. There is a great quote from Woody Allen that says relationships are like sharks. They have to keep moving forward or they die.
I sort of have the same “God-like” notion in that I also believe things will unfold as they should. We just have to be willing to let them unfold. Resisting only takes away our energy. I still worry about hurting the other person but I have a feeling that I could withstand being hurt myself(not that I want that at all, of course) but because I would see it as how it was meant to be. I’m not apathetic, just more accepting than I used to be.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I loved hearing your thoughts and gaining insight from you.
Oh, wow. I myself am an INFP. I’ve not met anyone else like me there 🙂
thank you so much for your blogposts, I learn so much, about myself and most impourtantly, that it’s perfectly fine to be me, the way I am.
too many times in life, have I been told, to “come out of my shell”, “be more social” and even “be more likeable”.
And Just a few years ago, I realised, I’m normal, there’s nothing wrong with me, or the way I am. I’m just a highly sensitive introvert 🙂
I love reading your thougths on all these themes. And I fine myself smiling often, as there’s so much I recognice. Love is not easy.
Welcome home! You are likable of course.:) You just have to find the right crowd (or individual or small group;). I go back and forth between INFJ and INFP. I can’t decide if I’m spontaneous or structured. So glad you landed here on space2live.
No love is not easy but worth the effort I believe.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment.
here you go again…i am struggling with this very thing right this moment! i have experienced shiny things that dulled overnight! and i have been shiny that did not want to dull and yet what happened….i began dull to him. i feel that relationships are difficult to begin with, but add a divorce on top of them with the pain and hurt and it just intensifies the difficulty. i wonder if i will ever be satisfied or content. i guess i have decided to keep searching until i find a man that keeps my attention. my eyes, my ears, my heart and my soul. i know there is someone out there that will capture me, the timing is just not right yet!
thank you for saying what i needed to hear today! i am normal and shiny things do dull and that is ok and normal. we can choose to love the dullness or shine it back up! but sometimes we just need to realize that the shiny thing was not a fit for us in the first place!
Perhaps we are supposed to experience many different relationships so that we can learn and grow – hence the dulling and subsequent ending of relationships. I am a hopeful romantic. I believe there is someone out there who is both passionate and a great companion and that we will be able do endure each other’s foibles because the rest is so spectacular. Relationships require effort. Period. But they’re worth it. Best of luck Ann. I’m sure you are adding light to whoever’s life you enter.
I have a theory that people crave two worlds: the stable and the unstable. This equates to the wife and the mistress. Why are we wired this way? Can one man or woman be both? Is it better not to get married or even live with each other in order to keep the flame burning bright? I know much of the passion fell out of my engagement the day we started sharing a bathroom. All this pondering.
Oh Mike you and I ponder so similarly.:) It seems everyone wants to find that “other” that is both passionate and “companionate”. Sustaining passion, hmmm? Does time and space away from one another keep passion burning? Do introverts and extroverts have different views on this? When you find yourself sharing a bathroom with someone you know you’re at that familiar stage. Familiar can be comforting and lovely but it also can be mundane and irritating. We want to share our lives so all facets of a relationship must be experienced – the shiny and the dull. I guess it’s all about the experiencing.
Nice to hear from you Mike.