This spring I’ve been focused on working on the outside of my house. There are maintenance issues inside as well, but the big projects are happening outside. I had the deck re-stained. I’m having the shake re-painted and we’re cleaning up the landscaping. This outside works runs parallel with my new views on living and loving. I now see that to have healthy self-esteem, the outside world has to be cared for as much as the inner.
I’ve spent the last few years working on accepting myself and justifying solitude. I thought I was bolstering my self-esteem by gaining self-awareness and validating my sensitive nature. I gained understanding and knowledge, but my self-esteem didn’t truly rise until I applied that understanding to relationships and meaningful work — both entities outside of my heavily analyzed and prized inner realm.
Introvert strives to feel competent in the outside world
Psychotherapist, Nathaniel Branden (in 1969) defined self-esteem as “the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.”
As a sensitive introvert it takes real effort (courage?) to push myself into the external world but when I do, I feel truly alive and fulfilled. Dealing with the outside world is a basic challenge of life for an introvert.
Our inner world feels so safe and the outer world bombards us with stimuli and emotional energy. I help clients gain personal power to balance the two kinds of energy and the two worlds — inner and outer. I’ll explain how in a future post.
Nurturing relationships help with confidence
As relationship coach, Bruce Muzik, says in his post, Fuck Self Love, we build lasting self-esteem by cultivating nurturing relationships with supportive people. The truth in this has become clear to me over the years. My self-worth plummeted when I wasn’t in a nurturing relationship.
For a while, I only had a few people who offered supportive and nurturing companionships. That was when I went deeply internal and studied myself. I don’t think this was a bad move, I learned so much, but in the end it left things unbalanced. I focused intently on my own feelings without applying them to anything. Even when I started writing, the self-expression was heavenly but still missing that fortifying real interaction with the environment and people.
I needed a more hands on way to contribute to the community. The outside world called me.
Once I reached out with coaching, I not only felt validated, I felt more confident. I truly felt like I added value and was worthy of love and happiness. The act of using my skills, made me feel competent and purposeful. By being a secure and non-judgmental relationship for my clients, I believe I help them feel confident and competent as well. A win/win.
Dr. Elaine Aron, author of all the Highly Sensitive Person books, recently mentioned research that supports the sensitive person’s strong need for positive environments.
This is the second result to show that we respond more to positive than negative stimuli, helping to explain our “differential susceptibility”–that we do worse in poor environments, true, but better than others in good ones, apparently because we pick up on and process more of the positive experiences in our life.
—Dr. Elaine Aron
No matter how much I love myself through self-awareness, self-care and self-soothing, I am still going to crave connection. We aren’t meant to be in isolation. Even introverts need interaction to grow and thrive.
Introverts (and extroverts but not as deeply) consciously and subconsciously absorb feedback from people in our environment. This affects our confidence. It makes sense that we’d want positive people in our environment to foster our growth. Of course, this needs to be a two-way street. We need to offer support and responsiveness as well.
I’m not so idealistic (but I’m pretty idealistic) to believe we can only have positive feedback in our world. We need constructive feedback too. Those into nurturing will give criticism with diplomacy while offering steps toward a rich life.
Hard to say you need someone
I’ve written a lot about loving yourself first before you can love another. I’ve encouraged being your own amazing boyfriend and love affairs with solitude. I’ve felt embarrassed to say I wanted or needed someone. I still have attachments to those ideas but more and more I see the power of growing through relationships. It’s OK to depend on someone. It’s OK to ask for help. I’ve learned to admit I can’t do it all. I can’t find all the answers within myself.
I strive for interdependence; that lovely existence where individual integrity ebbs and flows with dependency.
I’m not in a hurry to get into another long-term relationship but I’m not avoiding one either. I just need to establish boundaries that create win/win outcomes and reduce the number of people in my life that don’t foster such outcomes.
How to know if you are developing as a human
I consider personal development, particularly for an intuitive introvert, the transformation from a superficially focused being -> to one willing to explore their complete inner world -> to one interested in reaching out and creating nurturing and supportive relationships. In the end, internal and external worlds unite and form a mature being who meets their own needs and those of others.
As an introvert, it’s oh so easy to retreat into my shell. I will always need solitude and downtime but the real growth and power comes from sticking my neck out or at least sticking my hand out to help or ask for help.
Anyone want to help maintain my house? 😉
How much do you interact with the outside world? How is your spirit when you do? When you don’t? Do you have enough nurturing relationships?
It’s certainly reasonable to want a kind partner! If you are looking for a man who is kind and supportive I suggest you observe how he treats his children. (He should of course be candid about why he doesn’t have children if he doesn’t as well as why he’s either divorced or never married.) Here’s an example of what I mean. This is something my son said during a visit. I’d started to show his 7-year old (i.e. my grandaughter) an iPad app that is a solitaire version of a card game I knew she liked to play with other people using real cards. My son instantly said in a loving voice that they had that same app but she didn’t like to play it because there is no way to turn the timer off and she doesn’t like playing against the clock. I thought his comment was thoughtful and kind because it meant she didn’t have to worry about what she should or should not say to me and wonderfully supportive because it showed acceptance of her feelings about the app.
Right on PeggySu! How others treat their children and family members says a lot about them. I like how your son was responsive and supportive of his daughter. I also like how you noticed and appreciated it.:) I have learned that if a man has a bad relationship with his parents or children it is a red flag. I know there are certain circumstances that make relationships difficult (abuse, addiction) but forgiveness, acceptance and letting go are signs of maturity in my book. Thanks for you thoughtful comment.
Hi Brenda, Thanks for the thoughtful feedback and compliment. As I mentioned in one of your earlier posts and Michael made a very nice response to, it can often be harder to notice a lack of kindness than to notice unkindness. In the example I gave, if my son hadn’t said what he said, then depending on what happened next it might not have been at all obvious that there had been a missed opportunity for him to be kind and supportive. But when you are trying to decide whether to get know someone better, I think you need to be aware of overt kindnesses on their part and be concerned if they are few and far between.
PeggySu, I really like what you said. ‘Overt kindnesses’ — that’s a very good way to describe it, and think of it. Does a person make efforts to extend kindness to others? We have those moments all the time. If we walk into Starbucks, or anywhere, really, do we compliment people on anything at all? I like to tell people I like their glasses, or their hair, or their shoes, or the colors of her dress, or anything at all. We all have those opportunities, throughout every day. And most of us seem to refrain from extending those to others.
‘Overt kindnesses’ — I love that phrase, PeggySu. Thank you for that. I will think differently about that now, and observe in a different way — and hopefully be more aware of my own opportunities to be kind.
Michael
Brenda, this feels like a tricky one. and i’m not quite sure how or why. you touch on a lot of things. i have a mixed response to it.
i think it’s easy to find ways to dismiss our basic, maybe almost primal, need for positive words. it’s not how most people communicate. most people, i would say, don’t feel comfortable giving compliments to people. it’s not a natural and easy thing.
i think it’s easy to put up with a lot of stuff. it’s part of what we do to get along: put up with the absence, sometimes, of positive words. or not as much as we need. in a way, we can sort of give up, compromise, resign ourselves to getting what we can, where we can. ‘compromise.’ it can be a deadly word.
in ways, it’s so simple what we need: just positive words. kind words. supportive words. we are, most times, our own worst critics. perhaps introverts are the worst self critics of all; i don’t really know. i do know that i need no one to point out my flaws and where i struggle. i’m aware of those things pretty keenly.
what i do thrive on, is positive. kindness. gentleness. laughter. warmth. an acceptance.
most people don’t seem to offer these in great measure. i think, too, they don’t need those things in great measure, though everyone seems to respond well to kindness, and kind words, and sincere compliments, and a genuine wanting to know who that person is.
so we get lonely. and, perhaps, we compromise. we talk ourselves into a relationship that isn’t ‘everything that we want,’ because that’s what you do: you compromise. we are told that we compromise. that is one of the fundamental building blocks of a relationship.
but where do we compromise?
it’s tough. there are no ‘answers.’ lots of questions. and we struggle, and we doubt, and we wonder. we seek. we withdraw to our quiet inner world — though the inner world is often far more active, and chaotic, than the outer world.
we share things. we ask questions. we share stories. like the story Peggy Su shared. that was so on the mark. a few kind words, a sincere compliment, from a stranger … and she was lifted immediately. her husband, and perhaps most others? they would look askance, or be irritated, or say something other than what this fellow said to her. and all the while, those few kind words, had a wonderfully big impact.
perhaps for many introverts — and perhaps the more introverted we are, the more this is true — we are so very sensitive to words. to words we say, and to words others say to us. it takes little to lift us … and little to push us away. it’s just that ‘that little that lifts us,’ can be very hard to find.
all so strange, sometimes, because it’s just words. a few words. a few words of kindness, a compliment. i’m always astounded at the power of a few words — said, not said; these words, rather than those words.
i appreciate your courage in sharing yourself with us, Brenda. these kinds of things we share, that you share — they are like stripping ourselves naked sometimes. and it takes very little, when we have done that, to make us want to cover right back up, and not do that again!
i think — i may be wrong; this may just be me — that we (we introverts), offer kindness and gentleness to others. and we seek that from at least one other person. if the person we live with or are married to, or have a serious relationship with, doesn’t offer that in any particular measure, it is just so hard. it seems we need so little — though kindness and gentleness are anything but little — and it seems so very hard to find.
through it all, i think our responsibility is to offer those things that we cherish, to others. to hopefully make this world a bit gentler and softer and kinder, for our being here.
you have a very beautiful spirit, Brenda. you are the gentlest of souls, you seek, you wonder, you touch softly, you are keenly aware of the power of words.
please keep exploring these things with us. it is a beautiful thing to know that we have this safe haven, here with you and with others who share. we can share, and be heard, and likely even understood.
it is a beautiful struggle to be an introvert. wanting solitude … craving a connection, too. with at least one. may each of us find that one. and if not forever, then for whatever time we have with him or her. we crave, i think; it’s not too strong a word: crave. crave solitude … crave connection. crave to be understood, seen, loved just as we are.
thank you, Brenda, for what you have brought to my life, and to the lives of so many others. keep shining your beautiful light into our lives.
Michael you paint me so good and light, I’m afraid I will let you down with my actual humanness.;) I can promise that I won’t stop turning over every stone of possible insight. I do seek and wonder… all the time. As I sit here contemplating another intimate relationship, I wonder if there will ever be someone kind and open minded enough to understand my solitude needs and my connection needs and will I be able to foster and understand their growth/needs? I almost feel like I’m looking for something unusual or exceptional and then I feel like I need to be extraordinary too. But if I take in your comment Michael and realize it just takes a few kind words, consistently, to fill me up so that I can spill kindness and patience onto someone else, love and relationship feel attainable.
Over the years of writing on space2live, I’ve learned how valuable contributing and connecting with a community are. Thank you for being part of this community. The people I connect with through my stories and theirs, add the most amazing richness to my life. Your comments Michael always give me an added bit of reflection on my thoughts. So nice.
Brenda, as far as your (and my) actual humanness … it’s one of the beautiful parts of being human. we have, i think, pretty much infinite aspects and sides and parts to us. if we are in some way a microcosm of God and the universe (whatever God and the universe are!) … then we, too, are infinite. all kinds of sides to us. light and dark. shadow parts. I think Carl Jung said that 90% of our ‘shadow self’ is pure gold. and there are all the parts: the anger, the love, all the polarities are part of who we are. i think most of us grow up trying to ‘be good.’ and we are often repelled by our own ‘dark’ parts, and those of others. the exploration of it all is … well, it’s going into the unknown. it’s fascinating in there! just most people don’t want to go there …:) And I understand that.
So … as I have explored my own dark and light parts over the years, and have come to be good with it, or at least am on that journey … I see it all in others, too, and embrace it in others, too. I think we must come to love all of who we are. Bring all these different parts ‘to the table,’ as one writer described it.
It’s fun. exciting. cool. neat. intense. beautiful.
i think we’re like the weather. we have all these variations in temperatures, in climates. we are hot, we are cool. we are temperate, and we invite people in. we blow cold, we blow hot, we explode, we calm down. we allow for all of the variations in weather. we may stay away from places (and people) who are very, very cold at times … or who are, in a sense, exploding like a volcano. and then we go on. we do those things. others do those things.
there’s more, of course. that’s the beauty of exploring it all. there’s always more, to life, to who we are, and who others are. ‘as within, so without.’ we see in others, what we are. it’s one of the cool paradoxes of it all. we see ‘out there,’ always what we are ‘in here.’
and some people are wired to see the good, above all, in people. aware that there are those dark parts — i’m not really sure why we call them dark; we diminish ourselves in the process. let’s keep seeing the good … i believe that in seeing it, and speaking it, we help it to come out. it’s in there in folks …! sometimes just needs someone to see it and say hello and welcome to the table! c’mon out! it’s good out here!
thanks for letting me go on, Brenda! here’s to exploring and wondering and discovering more and more of all these cool and fascinating things!
I love when you go on! I learn and see myself in you.:) I do believe if we look for the good, that’s what we mostly find. Knowing there is dark in everyone and accepting it like we accept the weather (good analogy;), feels like a sign of maturity. I still get stuck when the darkness hurts feelings of myself or others. It’s hard for me to get around that and I’m not sure I should. I guess it depends on how often it happens.
I love having open minded explorers like you in my orbit Michael. Keep on wondering and discovering and sharing.:)
you know, i’m sure, Ruiz’s book ‘The Four Agreements.’ i read that in a coffee shop in Spokane quite a few years ago.
i think it was the second one: ‘Don’t take anything personally.’ that one immediately stuck, and has ever since.
he said, if someone loves you, don’t take it personally. If someone hates you, don’t take it personally. If someone shoots you, don’t take it personally. Because it’s not about you.
i knew there was a truth there that i needed to understand.
i read quotes about expectations — how expectations are the root of all heartache (attributed to Shakespeare, though who knows). how expectations ruin everything (mostly, they do).
if we let people be who they are, with zero expectations … then we see who they are.
if we let ourselves live without responding to others’ expectations, then we see who we are.
i don’t know that any of us can be our ‘true selves’ (can’t say i like that phrase too much, as we are infinite) … when we are not free of expectations.
and that’s all. and if we are really really lucky, perhaps, we find someone with whom we can be who we are, and he or she can be who he or she is. and wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing?
it’s fun to write about this stuff. the concepts are very simple, and very complex and subtle. we use words and phrases to make it sound like we get it. and mostly, we don’t. and instead of going, ‘i don’t get hardly any of this,’ we like to think we do. which keeps us, maybe, from actually one day seeing more.
i can say that i don’t get hardly any of this! and i like to keep trying!
‘Don’t make any assumptions.’ Another of Ruiz’s agreements. another very tough one. we do it ALL the time!!! and how wrong we are, almost all the time!!
we are funny, beautiful, genius, loving, brilliant and very cool beings, us humans! and it is a really cool journey we are on! we are so lucky to be here, now, doing just what we are doing. what a magnificent gift it all is.
go shine your beautiful light, Brenda, into a whole bunch of lives today (or as many as you can handle!!).
A few weeks ago when I was buying some gluten-free baked goods at our small farmer’s market I asked the owner about the ingredients in some of the products. (I’d bought stuff there before but I’m not a longterm customer and I don’t think the owner recognizes me; I don’t even know his name.) Then I mentioned that I’d like to try a new item but couldn’t because it had seeds on top and I’ve discovered that seeds irritate my ileocecal valve. He responded by saying something to the effect that it was really impressive that I’d paid such close attention that I’d figured out the cause — he even repeated this comment. I was thinking about this exchange later and realized how unusual it is for me to get instant positive and affirming feedback and to be (seemingly) understood and believed! My husband would have been more likely to have said “you’re always complaining about something” or “I can’t believe a few seeds could make that much difference.” (Which type of response tends to make me try to justify what I’ve said which I shouldn’t have to do and doesn’t really help. As for this example, I’ve actually bought the identical crackers except with and without seeds on top and tried the ones with the seeds several different times and consistently had problems with them. But someone who has known me as long as my husband has should know without my saying so that I’m the kind of person who doesn’t say things without a good reason.)
I’ve become more aware that it only takes a few words from a person with a certain kind of attitude to make me feel supported or not. I definitely agree that we introverts need significant relationships and we also need to find the right individual ways to be part of the larger world. But I also realize how much difference little things — like the incident I just described — can make.
I love your farmer’s market story! It’s lovely to be validated especially when we are practicing good self-care. All kinds of interactions and relationships can support and nurture us. They are so appreciated and help us grow. Thanks for sharing Peggy Su.
Wow, Brenda, this has given me a lot to think about! I’ve been told SO many times that ‘you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself,’ and I’ve always felt there was something a bit off about it, but I couldn’t express why until reading this. I agree that we need support to help us love ourselves. Thank you.
I’m still contemplating everything too Catherine. I think we need to be self-aware so that we can figure out what we value. I also think we can’t rely on someone else to fill in all our gaps but relationships are where we stretch ourselves and learn what love is. We have love within us but it has added power and meaning when we share it with others. Perhaps it’s important to consider the relationship a separate entity you contribute to, then we are not depending/focusing too much energy on our partner. I’m typing and thinking out loud here…;) Thanks for your comment Catherine. It’s nice to know someone else is mulling these things over.