I am sensitive to dominance. Recently, I was on a date at a posh local restaurant/bar. My quick-witted companion effortlessly chatted up the waiter while simultaneously making me laugh. His deep voice and confident demeanor made it easy for me to sit back and let him lead. Half-way through the night I noticed I wasn’t talking very much. I was primarily in response mode with little original contribution of my own. I felt smaller in my chair — posture deteriorating, voice quieter. At one point my date even said, I’m going to answer this question and then I want to hear about YOU.
I got my chance to talk. I was about four sentences in, telling of my passion for the community and subject-matter that is space2live and how excited I am about using Myers-Briggs to help people gain self-awareness… when the waiter showed up and asked how the sea bass was. Upon the waiter’s departure my companion started talking about a different subject and never inquired about my work again.
I had a little flashback to the last several years of my marriage.
And like my former husband, I think this gentleman talked a lot because he was a) nervous and b) trained to do so in corporate/competitive/extroverted America.
Whatever the reason, I didn’t like it. It had been a while since I’d been with someone so in charge. In general, I prefer sweet collaboration with conscientious reciprocity.
Masculine + Feminine = Sexual Spark
In his post, The Dating Pendulum, an Austin,Texas man talks of his search for, Equality that creates mutual respect for the opinions, thoughts, feelings, and value of your partner. He’s had a hard time finding a woman who contributes equally to date planning, flirty message sending and bedroom pleasing. In several instances he was left feeling used. So, not all men look to dominate.
In fact, Shelly Bullard of This Is About Love, recommends that WOMEN give their masculine power-happy sides a rest in order to let their male partners step up to the plate. Shelly remarks on the need for today’s woman to prove her strength, power and drive at all times. We feel we must have it all — high ranking (business) career, controlled family schedule, relationship leverage— and in doing so we keep our guard up and our feminine side buried. Our feminine traits being intuition, receptivity, emotionality and wildness. According to Shelly, this lack of femininity keeps many strong women from finding love.
Shelly claims, and I agree, that most women want a man who is masculine, driven, makes plans, follows through and is full of purpose. In order to attract and keep a man like that we need to relax into our feminine essence. Save our masculine energy for work. Give him a chance to be a man. Sexual sparks fly when masculine and feminine energies mix. Allow yourself to be adored. Let go of control and revel in the fact that he sent the first text, called you first, took charge in bed.
Getting run over by a dominant partner is not sexy
I relaxed into my receiving nature on my date but instead of feeling turned on by his masculinity I felt small and turned off.
As I strive for personal steeliness, I know in my heart I enjoy and gravitate toward femininity. Aggressiveness is not natural to me. Listening and observing are. All of my leanings are toward the perceived weaker traits. I’m an introvert versus the more robust extrovert. I’m a feeler versus the rational thinker. I’m feminine to the core (my dad called me Pinky as a girl because of my penchant for the color and my rosy cheeks) and have only just begun to create boundaries and fortify my resolve.
I’m afraid of disappearing in someone else’s energy. I’m afraid of losing ground after all the work I’ve put into self-sufficiency. I’m terrified of not being heard.
And yet, I want that sexual spark.
Exuding femininity and doing the love dance
Is there a middle-ground? I believe so. Both genders have masculine and feminine characteristics. 
Much like introversion and extroversion, we can exhibit behavior and experience the feelings of both temperaments. I believe there are men with the courage to let their feminine side show. I know women who use their feminine essence to make their special men feel nurtured and openly received.This safe environment gives men the freedom to be vulnerable. Give and take and a reciprocity of vulnerability emerge when both partners express their feminine side. The key to arriving at this generous reciprocity? Allowing masculine and feminine to move together initially in a dance where the male leads and the female follows but in a fully participatory and graceful way. The man knows he can not dance without her so he must appreciate and respond to her contribution.
Do you agree masculine and feminine must be expressed in order to generate a sexual charge? As a woman, can you relax into your feminine essence? Do you appreciate a masculine man? As a man, how in touch are you with your feminine side? Does femininity attract you?
If you enjoyed Masculine, Feminine, Dominance and the Love Dance, then you may also love:
I’d Rather Not Compete With You:For Introverts or Anyone Who Prefers Excellence Over Dominance
It’s Never Too Late to Experience Mind Blowing Passion
The Biggest Mistake Career-Driven Women Make in Love (shellybullard.com)
3 Elements of Exquisite Sex and Divine Writing
Introverted Not Incompetent:Validating Softer Life Skills
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Marcus Aurelius said that the art of living is more like wrestling than dancing, and dating can seem that way sometimes. There’s the fun and adventure of meeting someone new, but in the back of your mind there’s the wonder/hope/possibility of what this person could be for us. Can the person sitting across from us sipping wine possibly meet our beautifully high standards? That’s the question that I seem to wrestle with on a date (and, she’s probably thinking that, too). Dating can be hard, and if it’s turning into a chore, it’s time to rethink is this worth the energy.
You and I are on exactly the same page. I love the hope and possibility a new dating interest brings but I do have beautifully high standards. I am slowly approaching the ‘dating is a chore’ attitude. After too many disappointments I start to wonder if it’s worth it. Maybe that means I need to work on myself and see who shows up.;) Thank you for your insightful and resonating comments.
Ah yes, working on myself–I need to do some of that too.
Reblogged this on scottmnc's Blog.
Another insightful, thought provoking, beautifully written post.
Thank you, Brenda.
(I’m spending some serious time with this one) 😉
Cate Moore Sent from my iPhone
Thanks Cate! Let me know if you come up with any revelations.:)
It’s been a while since I’ve been in a similar situation, but I know that feeling…and, I’m curious if it occurred to you at any point to redirect the conversation towards yourself? If so, what thought or belief might have stopped you? The dynamic you describe is one reason I prefer to not go on dinner dates, at least initially. I feel like a captive audience sometimes in these situations.
Ilona I usually use preliminary phone conversations to weed out potential conversation dominators. I had spoken on the phone with this gentlemen and actually had a lot of fun talking with him. He had good energy. I think my biggest issue with him was the lack of interest in my passions. I did speak often over the course of the night but usually in question form, i.e. I asked him questions about himself. That was my doing and I probably should have been more forthcoming about my own details. There was not a lot of him asking me questions, which was disheartening. It was easier to let him carry the conversation. He was very adept at it. I do like to listen but past experience has showed me that too much listening and not enough two-way engagement eventually leaves me feeling despondent.
Yes…I definitely understand that despondent feeling! It’s a shame he wasn’t interested in your passions…his loss.
I found Ilona’s questions interesting – about redirecting the conversation back onto yourself when your date acted in a way that seemed like he wasn’t that interested. I do so understand your despondent feeling in that situation, and it struck me that in my life it is what I feel most often when I’m with my immediate family. Only one (out of 6), a sister, ever asks me anything or interacts with me on anything I share. I don’t think any of them are interested and my own inquiries and interest in their lives is never reciprocated. Although I’m in my 40’s now I still feel despondent about that and I still rather avoid socialising with them. When I do get in face-to-face situations I notice that they seem preoccupied with talking about themselves (so much!) and talking over each other. For me this situation it’s tied up with very old wounds around not being noticed, feeling unloved and unworthy etc in my childhood, but it’s still about despondency.
I think that if there isn’t an ‘engagement’ and resonance, a balanced conversation and interaction, then in most social situations that is very hard for introverts (and HSPs). As well as becoming despondent, opening up can feel vulnerable because of the perceived lack of interest – so redirecting the focus back onto yourself falls off the agenda and just feels too hard.
Dating can be challenging. Because I love nature so much and feel heaps more relaxed outside I initiated picnics in the city gardens or parks and that really helped. My first kiss with my partner happened up a tree!
I agree that unbalanced conversation or lack of two way engagement is very hard for HSPs and possibly introverts to bear. It feels like we are not important enough to draw out or ask questions of or care about but I know realistically that is not usually the intention of the speaker. Re-directing the conversation back to me would have been aggressive and unnatural for me. Then all eyes are on me and I better have something worthwhile to say. Interrupting is hard. Once I’m in despondent mode I lose confidence and find it difficult to be a sparkling conversationalist.
I’ve spent a good portion of my life listening to people who love to talk about themselves. Even when they are ‘listening’ they are just waiting to talk. I do my best to limit my time with them. It’s not easy. I understand your situation with your family.
The good news is I have people in my life who do offer two-way communication. They bring out the best in me. I am then moved to do the same for them. It’s easy.:)
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel you. There are people in our lives we must ‘shed’. It’s a must in order to be a healthy sensitive being. 🙂
Reblogged this on Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me and commented:
No, I do not need to be completed. I’m complete as I am and always have been. H told me that he thought I was the type of woman who didn’t need a man. He was right. I’d like [the right] one, but I will continue to breathe if not…
I so agree! I don’t need a man but in my case, I WANT a man. I’ve learned over the last few years that it’s important to be whole as your own being before even thinking you could be an asset in a relationship. Thank you for re-blogging.
Profound post and required reading for anyone with a masculine essence. Yes, polarity generates sexual charge but only when both people are validated. I can also tell that you read David Deida 🙂
Yes, I’m just beginning my exploration of Deida. Fascinating. You’re so right when you say both parties need to be validated for the best sexual charge. Amen.:)
As an introverted man I am really attracted to femininity: recepivity, emotionality, sensitivity and caring. I feel at home in female company when femininty is the leading energy and I can connect on a feelings level very confidently.
My problem is I’m too ‘feminine’ in my personality traits: I end up the best friend, confidant and counsellor, sensitive care giver instead of lover. In fact in intimate relationships I seem to attract ‘masculine’ traited dominant women: rational thinkers as opposed to my ‘feeler’ nature and I end up getting run over. Aggressiveness is not natural to me either and it’s sooo much work trying to be more ‘alpha’ or dominant which seems to be the prevailing attractor factor for most women.
I speak up for us sensitive guys who get dubbed the ‘weaker’ for being the way they naturally are.
Great article!
I love that you shared your perspective Rod! Interesting that even though it is gender play in reverse (male exercising feminine side, female exercising masculine side) there is still that attraction between the two opposites. I, for one, love a man who demonstrates receptivity, emotionality, sensitivity, etc. although I’ll admit an air of masculinity is initially attractive. Do you like to do outdoor activities? I find those masculine but not aggressive. Perhaps there is a dominant woman with highly developed sensitivity waiting for you.:) As we age we tend to develop our less preferred skills. I feel for and understand your position. I am often in it, although from the female perspective. Thank you so much for sharing! Enlightening.
Great insight. I find when I’m around people like your date, I either attempt to dominate right back, or else I let myself get pushed down to non-contribution, like you. Neither one works, and I end up feeling like all my energy is being sucked away. I’m not sure there is a middle ground when it’s not a romantic or intimate relationship.
My boyfriend and I are both introverts, but I tend to be the dominant one, the plan-maker, while he sits back and lets me do it and goes with the flow. But sometimes both of us get tired of those roles. For awhile we tried the passive-aggressive hint dropping routine, but we all know that doesn’t work. Finally we gave up playing games and now we just tell each other what we want. I tell him, “I need you to take over and be in charge,” or he’ll tell me, “I want to do this, can you please let me be in charge.” And we find it works SO much better! That’s our middle ground. But that also means that male is not always leading female. We find it’s best to take turns!
Sounds simple maybe, but it took us ten years to get there 🙂
That is excellent insight LB. The more years and experience I gain, the more I realize how beneficial it is to be very clear in communication. It’s not easy for my non-confrontational spirit but it feels so good when the air is cleared. It sounds like you and your boyfriend take turns exercising your masculine sides. Perfect!