“What makes lovemaking and reading resemble each other most is that within both of them times and spaces open, different from measurable time and space.”

Italo Calvino

casais_black_and_white_couple_kiss_photography_love-3ba076b78db2dbd53f5b57b3ce3fa53c_h_largeIt had been a month since we sat legs touching on the couch. It had been a month since I last kissed him at the corners of his eyes. It had been too long since we  witnessed the light on each other’s  faces as our words danced in intimate conversation.

When was the last time intimacy opened you up and caused you to expand?

When was the last time you were alone with your thoughts and felt the presence of grace or oneness?

Coitus interruptus of being

I have friends who can’t close their bedroom door ever because they fear they may not be able to hear their children. I know others who use baby monitors black and white br doorwell past the toddler years. Both situations leave a couple wide open for interruption.

I thought we were free of intimacy policing once we stopped making-out in our parent’s basement. What are we teaching our children? That their every whim is more important than their parent’s sacred relationship? As parents we expect to take on the needs and dependence of children but there are boundaries.  There are boundaries that make the whole family stronger.

There should be space for pillow talk and sensual lovemaking.  There should be space for shutting out the world and becoming so blurred in oneness that it takes your breath away. In intimacy you are no longer rigid, defined and poised for action but tender, soft and at ease. Your heart is open and your body willing. In your vulnerability, intimacy flourishes. In intimacy you become an enhanced you, ready to give and receive.

Intimacy sacrificed is slow death to a relationship and a denial of your best self.

My life is not my own. Grrrrr.

Solitude also suffers when subjected to interruptions. Yet, we’ve built a world based on open door policies and technological servitude. Neither allow for privacy or full essence of being. Our lives our defined by schedules, work and relationships.  All of which are prone to intermittent and unplanned interruptions, putting us at their mercy. No one likes feeling as if their life is not their own. This makes us edgy,  irritable and resentful.

In my opinion, we all suffer when subjected to constant interruptions. Extroverts burnout from the lack of progress made. Electronic leashes (phones) and tight schedules keep them from leisurely socializing. Introverts pay an energy price because we are deep concentrators.  We dive deep into our work, dreams, daydreamingblackandwhiterelationships and thoughts.  Our focus heightens, our breathing slows, we immerse in the flow of freedom. Pulling us out of these depths is no easy feat.  Returning to the sweet sacredness we were immersed in before the interruption is like a pebble thrown into a calm pond.  It takes a while for the ripples to subside and smoothness to return.

I’ve had readers say they’ve been slaves to others for so long they don’t know how to spearhead their own thoughts and lives anymore.  Others say for every interruption to their solitude they need three times as much alone time to recover.  Being at the whim of others, society, and technology is self-limiting and self-sacrificing.

It makes us weary and worn out.

We need space.  We need recovery time.

Protect that which makes you better

Privacy is not selfish even if it is within your own home.

Close the door.

Turn off the phone.

Go for a walk by yourself.

Warmly tell your partners, family and friends that you will be available in two hours and then teach them how to honor that.  Admittedly, this will not be easy.  They like having you available to them. They may feel it as rejection. Help them understand your needs for inner nourishment. Show them how willing you are to engage AFTER your grace period. Let them see your renewed light. Let them see your productivity post-hiatus. Kiss the corners of their eyes and sit with them lovingly on the couch. They will feel space and time expand.

Have you been transformed by intimacy lately? By solitude? What if our inner worlds were as honored as our outward appearances? What if solitude and privacy were social norms? 

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