I am an introverted Pisces dreamer big-picture kind of woman. I could while away hours daydreaming about traveling in foreign lands, meeting a beguiling stranger on a midnight train, writing a bestseller and championing lost souls.
I am most content when I am available to possibilities.
Possibilities in Love
Deeply Single: A state of perceiving the benefits of aloneness and being single — of traveling, going to movies alone, feeling full of possibility. ~ Sasha Cagen, Quirkyalone
I volley back and forth between feeling self-directed and creatively independent and yearning for the ideal mate who shares my reveries and reaches for me in the night.
As I wrote in My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t be Magnificent and Independent Together, I’m OK Alone, I am fine by myself, even prefer it sometimes for its solitude and reflective properties. I often feel most alive and genuine when enveloped in solitude. It is the space where I can make sense of all that befalls and has befallen me. In that time of slowed activity and enriched mind, lessons are realized, imagination seeps in and possibilities dance with dreams.
Eventually, I find myself feeling full and content and want to share experiences with a partner.
Online dating blows my mind. Too many possibilities. I sign onto a dating service and inevitably find both mis-fits and magnificents. I enjoy the variety and options but it’s difficult for me to date casually for long. I get dating fatigue. Too much correspondence and energy zinging out through my Macbook and iPhone. I want the realness of an intimate relationship – the ability to love individually and expansively.
I am addicted to human connection of the deepest kind. Physical, mental and spiritual connection. I love it all. Touch me sensually, engage my mind and stir my soul. I will open to you in the most natural and generous ways. I will want to live in that realm indefinitely but reality always butts in. Energy levels will require me to recharge alone. My children will need more loving attention. I will pull back so as not to get lost in you. I will meet someone new with different possibilities.
Still there is the possibility of true love. Two individuals coming together with their own lights within, not needing the other for happiness but wanting the magnified glow of two hearts and bodies. Sigh.
Possibilities in Becoming
At this place in my life I have choices. Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What do I want to dedicate myself to? How can I do the most good?
My children are my companions on this ride so their needs and enrichment are guideposts along the trek. Even with their needs in mind, there are numerous possibilities for my trajectory.
I dream of putting a book together that comforts others and makes their existence lighter and sexier. I have lofty thoughts of going back to school and obtaining a masters in counseling – so I can do more than listen to people and write to their feelings. I want to actually help them feel good and whole on their own.
It’s so easy for me to imagine these outcomes but so difficult for me to take all the steps and do all the work necessary to achieve them. I am daunted. I am overwhelmed. Many days I feel like I use all my energy to raise my children and manage household tasks. I admire those industrious spirits who network effortlessly and continuously. I don’t know how some people raise children and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning working on side-projects like book writing or website development. I’m not sure if it’s my temperament — introverted —that holds me back or just plain fear. I’m not afraid of doing the tasks. I’m afraid of becoming exhausted, brain-dead and crabby.
I know to take little steps. I am. I know to surround myself with passionate loving people. I do. I know to evolve it’s up to me to move forward and embrace the possibilities.
Are you always looking at the possibilities or are you content with what you have? Are you evolving or settling?
Related articles
- Always Wanting More? The Upside of Being Insatiable (Danielle LaPorte white hot truth +sermons on life)
- My Introverted Love Creed: If We Can’t Be Magnificent and Independent Together I’m OK Alone (space2live.net)
- The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? (space2live.net)
- An Introvert’s Secrets to Setting Up Shop (psychologytoday.com)
- Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live)
- Self-Actualization and the Suburban Mother (space2live)
“I don’t know how some people raise children and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning working on side-projects like book writing or website development. I’m not sure if it’s my temperament — introverted —that holds me back or just plain fear. I’m not afraid of doing the tasks. I’m afraid of becoming exhausted, brain-dead and crabby.”
This paragraph spoke to me because, as a single, child-less, (currently) pet-less female…..I struggle with this all the time. How come women with 5 kids, a fulltime job, a husband, a McMansion, pets, volunteer work, being a sports taxi, meals to cook, dance costumes to sew, etc. are able to find the time to do so much more than I have the time to do? And I constantly beat myself up for this because, obviously, if THEY have the time, *I* should have the time too. (You’re “guilty” of this, too. I read your blog and think “She can do it, why can’t I??”) AND these people have told me they actually find time to relax/be alone. My brain does not comprehend how this works.
I’ve been “exhausted, brain-dead, and crabby” for going on 35 years now, so that’s not the problem, and it’s not my fear….it’s just how I am. I honestly think it’s my time-management skills. I feel that I’m highly organized and borderline OCD, but I guess I’m convinced that something’s just not clicking. Because, again, if THEY have the time, *I* should too. I’ve actually considered consulting a professional organizer, but I’m too ashamed. lol
I know I need large blocks of time to complete projects. If my day is all chopped up I get edgy. I hate interruptions. Some people don’t mind them as much and can barrel through a day full of tasks. I just think I’m not cut out for that. You’re not either. We have our own way. They have theirs. We all have gifts to offer. I do think more people are getting burned out from treadmill living. It’s not soul-deep fulfilling.
Let’s you and I do what makes us happy.:)
[…] In Love With Possibilities, Beholden to Reality (space2live) […]
Another deeply moving post from you that has me surfing the universe inside my brain. Stopping and examining the areas of connection shared with you and others. I am evolving, most dramatically over the last seven months. You have beautifully expressed the deepest desire of evey human on the planet with your words.
“I am addicted to human connection of the deepest kind. Physical, mental and spiritual connection. I love it all. Touch me sensually, engage my mind and stir my soul. I will open to you in the most natural and generous ways.”
My take on love is it always involves a wounding. To fully feel the joy and connection you must also be vulnerable to the pain and disconnection. “To fall on the sword” is how I describe it. I too, have a subscription for an online dating site. It is so……tiresome. It’s not likely that this ENFJ will find a calm, quiet introverted male in this arena. I am not extraverted enough and they would naturally find the whole experience exhausting. I am taking small steps that may eventually bring to me the connection you describe. That is all I can do. Letting go of the wanting (suffering) is now the task before me.
Thank you for the compassion you show yourself and others.
It seems many think introverts don’t like people. The truth is we like people we just want deep connection more than constant connection. Sometimes deep connection to ourselves is enough.
Online dating is interesting. A few months ago I would have agreed with you that it is hard to find a quiet introverted man through an online dating service but in the last month I have met two. Sure, they are busy, outwardly gregarious men but their true selves are solitude-craving and introspective. I think many men believe they have to play the outgoing/extroverted game (like we all do). If you give them permission to be quiet and thoughtful, they may surprise you. At least, that has been my experience.:)
Vulnerability has been the buzzword lately with my dates. I agree with what you said. We do have to be vulnerable and open to the pain in order to gain equal possibilities for joy and love. I am learning and trying to apply this new (to me) concept. I’m not rushing anything. It’s been good to take everything slowly lately.
There will always be wanting/suffering. Letting go or simply observing it is so damn difficult 😉 but also liberating.
Thank you for your honesty and thoughtful comments. I feel your ability to connect deeply.
As always, you are commenting/feeling similar things around the times I am; perhaps I just left that space or feel it coming on in the near future. You often write things that I’ve thought, but usually in a far better manner than I can even think it! This especially spoke to me: “It’s so easy for me to imagine these outcomes but so difficult for me to take all the steps and do all the work necessary to achieve them. I am daunted. I am overwhelmed. ”
Being in a space where I am initiating closure on one aspect of my life and starting (again!) at square one, daunting appear the tasks at hand. Thank you for speaking your heart and mind so easily for others to view. Keep up the fantastic work, both internally and for us, externally!
~SE
Yes, I’m a big picture gal. I can envision the future but am paralyzed when thinking about the details of getting there. I wonder if I have enough energy. I’ve worked my way through a lot of things, so down deep I know I could do the work, especially if it’s something I am passionately drawn to, but still I worry. I bet you are the same way. Everything I’ve learned says to either leap and the net will appear or take tiny steps and they will accumulate until the work is accomplished. I’m better at taking tiny steps. Keep seeing the possibilities and move forward my friend. You must be strong because you keep starting anew. So many settle for OK, I don’t think you do.
i have read this post over and over and over. i am that extreme extrovert but i too can relate to…
“I am addicted to human connection of the deepest kind. Physical, mental and spiritual connection. I love it all. Touch me sensually, engage my mind and stir my soul. I will open to you in the most natural and generous ways. I will want to live in that realm indefinitely but reality always butts in.”
your writings stir my soul and mind to grow and stretch and accept the changes that have come to my world. If you wrote this, you feel it, and I feel it, then there must be men that feel it as well and want that deep connection. I will just keep looking and accept nothing but….
thank you for yet again another MOVING writing. I would buy your book and pass out many copies, that i know for sure. You speak to me! Enjoy your weekend!
I know extroverts love to connect. I know there is a spectrum for all temperaments. I’m not surprised you crave deep connection. You have a loving openness about you. I know there are men who feel the same way about connecting on a soul- level. I have met a few.;) I think I’m still working on myself though. I’ve had a hard time going all in with a partner.
I may tap you someday to pass out my books. Thanks for volunteering, made me feel sparkly.:)
I would be HONORED to pass out YOUR books! You have a gift and a talent for writing. I truly believe that it is part of your greatness and purpose! Thank you for sharing it with the world! I am beyond blessed to have come across you and your sharing! Thank you!
Geez Ann, I’m blushing from your gushing.;) Thank you. So glad you stumbled upon my little blog. You’re a beautiful light, keep shining. I’m fortunate to know you.:)
Your dreamy style reminds me of E. Dickinson and C. Bronte and C. Rossetti, nice Raphaelite snake charmers turning in for the night while the miserable masses fend for themselves. Fact is, poets like you can summon the power of wishful thinking, whereas your average mortal is imprisoned to unconscious drives in the search for that someone. Only a writer knows the truth of a fantasy; the miserable out there know otherwise. Yet love is all we got–that is, to share, to teach. You have found your intellect, and now you are preserving it like the best jam and spreading some of it to your followers. That is your religion; mine is literature, from which all bleswsings flow, says Whitman. You can’t put any reins on a relationshipor it will buck you. Buck back until you both surrender. Good night. Bill Ogle
I do think literature, writing and authors are my religion and my friends/mentors. I’ll keep seeing the possibilities. I’ll also do my best to keep free of reins and reining but I can’t say I won’t be seeking love. I still believe in it in the most profound way.
Thanks for commenting Bill. Appreciate your insight.
“I know to take little steps…. I know to surround myself with passionate loving people. ” That’s all there is to know. Any big outcome is just a lot of little steps added together. (See http://tinyhabits.com).
I love your writing, too.
I checked out the tiny habits link. I think I have had an epiphany, changed my context (or in the process) and am taking small steps. I should be golden!! He he. We’ll shall see. Thanks Doug.
Damn I love your writing! x
Damn that made me feel good.:) Thanks Dominique.