In deference to The Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos, Nov. 1st), a Mexican national holiday, we had a day of remembrance at church. We were asked to bring a photo of a loved one (including a pet if you wanted) who had passed on and put it on the altar. I brought a favorite picture of my mom in her 20s. In it, her blonde hair blows in the wind and she reaches up to put it back in place. She looks so young and happy in that picture.
Craving belonging but living on the outside
During the church ceremony, we sang songs and did thoughtful meditations on loved ones and their memories. I sat next to a woman who lost her husband only a month ago. She reminds me of my mother, with her perfectly done hair and makeup and well-put-together outfits. This new widow is kind, gracious and sweet. The church congregation has been very helpful and supportive of her. I can’t help but wonder what that kind of support would have done for my mom. She craved belonging.
Mom spent too many days of her last years alone or in unhealthy relationships. She never seemed to find a community she wanted to graciously give to or one that graciously embraced her. My mom seemed permanently stuck between too good for and not good enough. From the outside, it seemed like she chose to abstain from certain groups because she was too good for them, but I know in many cases she felt inferior to others.
When the emotions find a safe space to spill out
So many thoughts swarmed through my mind and heart during the church remembrance ceremony. That morning, I served as an usher with the new widow. I am sure her mind and heart were preoccupied as well. I found myself getting emotional and the tears just kept coming. I knew I had to pull myself together to do my ushering duties but I also let myself have those moments to grieve.
Grieving alone
I realized I’d only really grieved with others during the week after my mom died and during the burial of her ashes a year later. Once those ceremonies were over, it was back to juggling my life.
My sister and brother-in-law had close relationships with my mom too. They would know all the stories about her. I could grieve with them but we live in different states and only see each other once or twice a year. We could call and talk about Mom, but sadly, it rarely happens.
I miss talking to my mom.
My children were not close with my mom because they only saw her once or twice a year. Lately, I find myself saying, “This dish was my mom’s” or “This is Grandma Linda’s recipe”. I hope someday that means something to my kids. I remember how my mom used to say those things about her mom’s dishes and recipes. I even hear my mom’s laugh in my own. But no one here notices that because they don’t remember how she used to laugh. I feel compelled to keep my emotions in check around the kids, especially my sons. They are so uncomfortable with strong emotions.
I do a lot of solo grieving, which is not as satisfying.
Thank you for asking
Two days after the Day of the Dead service at church, there was a similar ceremony in my Women in Spirituality class. Again, I placed my mom’s photo on a decorated table. In this case, we wrote memories about our loved ones in a folded program. Again, the tears just kept coming. The gentle woman sitting next to me, a retired psychologist, asked when my mother passed away. I told her the summer of 2015. I told her about Mom and her special dishes. She told me she lights a candle and puts her dad’s picture up on his birthday. There was something so nourishing about sharing our memories and mourning.
I have a client whose long-term relationship ended abruptly. He lives far away from family and his closest friends. I know he too, is mourning a loss on his own. He knows to reach out via phone calls to help himself heal but he also feels pressure to buck up and carry on.
The problem with revering independence
Our culture’s penchant for independence, toughness and perceived happiness, makes it difficult to ask for someone to witness your pain. But when we feel heard… so beautiful. The opportunities to share grief/happy memories with others offered such relief to me. I am grateful for those cathartic moments.
I give you permission to voice your losses, to ask others to listen, to share memories, to cry in public. I don’t recommend dwelling in that space all the time, but tears cleanse our bodies and hearts. Connecting with others validates our humanity.
Do you feel like you have to mourn alone? Handle your emotions by yourself?
Looking for a listening ear to witness your grief, loss, pain, etc.? Contact me for personal coaching and empathic listening.
This year I’ve dealt with grief more than I wanted to I lost four people including my mother and there’s a part of me that feels quarantine from people because they don’t understand my pain and because they use humor as a source of lightning the mood. what they don’t understand is it’s OK to be sad we have to have these moments of sadness. Then there’s the loneliness of it all, there’s a part of me that just wishes that I didn’t have to go through it alone, but my viewpoints on handling guilt keeps me away from letting anyone into experienced that with me.
Dear Shran, I am sorry to hear of your losses. I agree with you regarding the need to feel the sadness and not just gloss over it with humor. Is there a community where you could go and be anonymous but also with others? Like a spiritual community or an art class or something? Volunteer work? It is good to be with our emotions but it is also good to be a part of something. Sending you a big hug and peace for 2017. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Brenda,
I’m sorry for your loss as well. I attend church regularly and I just started back painting and crafting more,hopefully next year I can get something going on Esty . . Next year I’m going to focus on getting to know me more, because for the last 12 years it was all about taking care of my mom. I still have one parent to ease thur the greving process, he clings quite a bit but with time, this too shall also pass.
Enjoy getting to know yourself. Listening to that voice inside can be quite illuminating. Let your light shine Shran.:)
Will do. Thanks Brenda.
To answer your last 2 questions, yes – all the time. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Thanks for sharing.
This is such a beautiful, thoughtful, honest post. Thank you!
Thank you Kendra!
Oh Brenda,
I am sorry about the passing of your mom a year or so ago….
They say grief is part of life. But, how many do I personally know, that know how to grief? not many. I say ‘know to grief’! simply because, in my family (spouse’s family), grief is hardly hardly present at funerals and gatherings after the loss of a loved one! If you did not know that this is a funeral going on when it happens, you won’t be able to guess! Hardly any tears. Smiles are all around. If you look around, you will always spot some of the attendees standing at the buffet, wondering what would they indulge in next! Yes I get the celebration part! but I can never get the complete lack of grief and emotions. Even when it is a sister who had passed, nothing seems to affect that giddy funeral mood. I agree with you on the need to grief. I agree with you on the need to shed tears and share memories. I feel, we owe it to the one who passed. We owe it to ourselves to feel…human. In most of the funerals I attended in our family, tears and emotions are rare and almost looked upon as inappropriate. If I shed tears, I will be sure to have to listen to those lecturing words I’ve heard so very often ‘oh he/she is in a better place now!!…etc etc’ followed by smiles and smiles and more smiles! It is sad!
Thank you for another great post!
I see grief or sadness as another emotion we experience naturally. To deny it is unnatural. Sharing it with others fortifies us, at least in my experience. We don’t feel so alone.
Sometimes I think people feel so overloaded with everyday life they are afraid to give anything more to others, especially if it involves pain. I know I am protective of my time and energy. I just wonder if we all spent more time supporting each other if that would ease our everyday heaviness. Just thinking out loud here…
Regarding your family’s funeral smiles – it would take a lot of energy for me to fake happiness and not reveal any grief. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Kat.
I agree wholeheartedly, there is a sense of beauty in being able to share our pain. It is really hard for us coming from generations(s) where shame and belonging were never part of a family conversation. I seek the same as you, and we are not alone
Thanks to my bff I have been reading your blog for over a year and ALWAYS learn something about myself. You are inspiring to me
Thank you Terri! Carrying all of our own burdens is a heavy heavy load. Sharing pain as well as joy makes life much more meaningful. I’m glad my writing has a positive effect on you. 🙂