Once again I find myself without a partner.  I feel an ache when my phone chimes and it’s not a sweet text from my sweetheart.  It’s a text saying my Verizon bill is available for review.  Thud goes hope, and yet for now, I choose to relax and focus on my kids and writing.  Why am I not chasing love?

Chase. Catch. Release.

I did do some chasing recently.  I signed up for an online dating service (proactive in itself). I sent a message to a man I found attractive (downright aggressive for me).  His profile spoke to me. I went for it.  It worked! I caught his attention too. What followed was two months of delightful dinner dates, hours on the couch legs entwined, much bedroom passion, late night phone conversations, personal stories, tears, insecurity, disappointment, love?/not love? Eventually, the tears outweighed the delight.

Why did the relationship not work?  In my opinion there was not enough space to be authentic and vulnerable. Our schedules limited the actual time we got to spend together but the real issue was that I never felt 100% comfortable being myself with him. I didn’t talk about my kids or writing as much as I do with others. I wanted to be what he wanted. I chased his affection but never quite got satiated. And that hurt.

Come Alive and Catch Love

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~ Dr. Howard Thurman

I’ve been reflecting about the most meaningful relationships in my life.  The people I love the deepest and/or have made the biggest impact on my character (excluding my family) have all shown up when I was doing what I loved. I didn’t actively pursue any of them.

I was learning and living the student life of freedom when my ex-husband offered me a ride to class. He taught me how to be a loving, fair, loyal partner.  He helped me grow because of our differences.

I wanted to be healthier and stronger so I joined a local health club.  My former trainer administered the free fitness assessment.  He later whipped me into the best shape of my life and helped me see what I was capable of.  He gave me that first feeling of, I can do anything.

I wanted to be a part of music so I took guitar lessons. Enter my teacher and dear friend. I distinctly remember him saying, You seem like someone who could do anything.  He spoke of a different way of being. One influenced from the inside rather than the outside. He validated me (introverted tendencies and all) and showed me I could endure change and fear.

Full of new found light and confidence I dared to sign up for writing classes.  In those classes I basked in a warmth that felt like home. I met countless writerly types who seemed to know me instantly. I especially connected with one of the instructors.  She is my hero for her huge heart and free spirit. I love her.

I love them all. They came to me while I was coming alive. They helped me love myself.

I joke that the next man I date will have to fall on my laptop to get my attention.  For now, I plan to work, write, raise kids and see who shows up.

Oh hey! my phone just chimed.;)

How  and when did love come into your life? Has chasing someone ever worked for you? 

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