Introverts Seek Identity from the Inside Out

woman's face black and white

In his post, Why Introverts Struggle to Figure Out Who They Are, Dr. A.J. Drenth says introverts often start from the inside when seeking our true identities. We reflect on who we are and what purpose we serve. We defer to our inner voice to guide us to our destiny. We introverts are aware of most of that. Where we struggle is finding the opportunity and acceptance to do such soul-searching and identity identifying. Most of society expects us to finish school and jump into a career and mate/family search — which are more outside approaches to identity development.

Develop that outer success

As a young woman in Chicago in my early twenties, asking myself questions like, Who am I? or What do I have to offer the world? was not part of my everyday existence. Those questions had not fully occurred to me. I had not met anyone who encouraged such self-reflection. I did not value such introspection. It would have been too deep, hippie and weird. I was trying to fit in to the corporate, driven world. I was building an identity from the outside  in by doing my job well, living in an acceptable neighborhood, dressing appropriately and socializing like everyone else at bars, clubs and work parties. I wanted to be an independent, urban, cool, corporate chick.

At that time, I believed outer success was the way to happiness, but there were little signs of, I want more.  I am not home yet. In Chicago, I used to walk down to the lake almost every Sunday by myself. I’d sit on the rocks and look over the water at the skyline with music from Sting or The Gin Blossoms in my ears. I think I wanted the vastness of the scene to speak to me. Tell me more about myself. I think it did, subconsciously. Sitting there in the sunshine, I felt at home. My mind could wander. I was not pleasing or trying to impress anyone. I could go sitting by water skyline

Sleeping in suburbia

I later slipped on another externally generated identity —married, upper middle class suburban mother and home manager. As a married mother of three, I had a great need to be alone, read and think. I know many mothers and fathers crave time to themselves, but I could feel myself wither and withdraw when I had no time to go inside my mind and heart. I had a dire need to find my inner identity. It called me during nap time and during my alone time at the gym. I started to notice my character and my day-to-day living had no depth. I had little self-knowledge or understanding of my inner spirit. I did not have a partner who asked about what went on inside of me. There was no teasing out each other’s feelings or dreams. I think he thought I was living my dream. It would be easy to believe that given the outer behavior I exhibited and agreements I made. We both were more or less resources for each other to benefit the outside world we created.

But, what are you really thinking? 

Then one day, someone outside my family did ask me what goes on inside my head. They did ask me questions about my spirituality, my interests, my sense of self. Several people asked me such questions consistently for years. I became more clear on what I valued and what I found intriguing. Over that time, I developed an inner identity alongside my outer one. It was easier to answer the question, Who am I?

Once tapped into my inner realm, it was easier to follow my curiosity and create inner depth, by exploring new places and having new experiences. I gained perspective. I created a new interesting outer identity while figuring out what truly flipped my switch, what really aligned with my inner world.

What about your family? 

Lest you worry about what happened to my family while I was “finding myself” I feel I should say, it was not easy living true to myself while entrenched in old corporate/suburban mindsets. It was the biggest problem when I cared terribly about what other people thought and when my husband had no interest in thinking differently. The marriage ended and I started to be less bothered by being different and pursuing more non-traditional endeavors like writing. I did let my parenting presence slip for about a year. I was there, but not fully there. Some might have called it depression. A good marriage therapist let me know my children noticed my lack of presence. I became obsessed with learning how to be present in relationships while honoring my nature. Thus, space2live and my current career were born, which answered the question, What do I have to offer the world?

We need to look to the world and ourselves for guidance

Now I feel a sense of wholeness. There are definitely times of imbalance when the inner or outer identity dominates and leaves the other part of me feeling insecure, but over the long run I hope to represent each fairly equally.

Even though I did the search backwards, I wound up with an authentic identity, within relationships. Interdependence. I needed to know myself to fully engage with the world and contribute at my highest level. It is OK to do it backwards. Do not fret if you are buried in an outer world identity. Think about where you feel at home. Give yourself time to reflect and go internal. Let your inner voice guide the revealing of your inner identity. Keep the relationships you value, close and forefront in your present and future plans, but honor your integrity as you grow within those relationships.

How well do you know yourself? Does your inner voice or outer world give you your identity? Do you take time to know your inner longings? 

If you would like someone to help you reveal your inner identity, contact me for personal coaching. I’d love to validate and encourage what you value. 


Leave a Reply


  1. badfish
    April 22, 2017

    a compelling piece…

  2. Beth
    April 22, 2017

    I read all of your posts Brenda, but rarely comment. I always feel a connection to what you write and to you.. (similar age, born in MI, similar ex-partner).. I would love for you to write more about this ..

    ” I did let my parenting presence slip for about a year. I was there, but not fully there. Some might have called it depression. A good therapist let me know my children noticed my lack of presence. ”

    This is something I still analyse regularly, and to be honest beat myself up about, with my son… My presence slips when the rest of my life is out of balance and as the primary caregiver the guilt can be overwhelming. I always come out of trying to do better or to make up for it.. but I would rather be able to be more prepared for when it happens or even prevent the sneaking up..

    Thank you for all of your writing..

    • Brenda Knowles
      April 23, 2017

      It is so easy to beat yourself up about missteps in parenting. When we struggle in other areas of our lives, it is hard to be 100% present for our loved ones. Our brains are hijacked with chemicals and emotions. We have to get back to a safe equilibrium so we can be present for the ones we love dearly. Adding our own guilt/shame to the struggle only makes it more overwhelming and down spiraling. The truth is you need to be supported too. You need reassurance and responsiveness. When there is only fear/conflict/pain you can’t function properly. I hope you find someone and something (a practice or work that fulfills you) to bring you back to balance. Self-care is a start but more is needed. Sending you peace and an understanding hug Beth.

      • Beth
        June 3, 2017

        Yes, Brenda, your statement of being supported and self-care is so important. I find it in my adventures and my work. It would be nice to find it in a partner one day… but until then I find connections like your site. Thank you.

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