I stepped out into the freezing rain and headed toward the closest door. An older gentleman walked by and offered me an umbrella. So nice he offered. Instant good feeling. I followed him to the sanctuary since I didn’t know where I was going.
I hadn’t been to a church service in over 20 years.
My religious background consists of fairly regular Sunday school and services at a small country Methodist church until I was a teenager. I attended vacation bible school and participated in Christmas pageants. I am told I asked one of the church ladies, Where does God sleep if this is his house? Always questioning, but simultaneously enjoying the rituals and environment. I also attended countless masses with my Catholic girlfriends. Their services made less sense to me but I still absorbed and saved the feeling of peace and vastness that entered me when I attended.
I realize now that church provided an amazing space for reflection. An incredible place to ponder daily existence and beyond. I have also noted a similar feeling of inner expansion when visiting a library, walking in the woods or spending time in solitude.
I don’t believe you have to take part in organized religion to have faith, reflect or be a good person, but lately I’ve been craving a spiritual community and familiar rituals.
Intuitive types are at home in the church that welcomes experimentation, innovation, and change. They welcome imaginative teaching that approaches the topic from novel and oblique perspectives. They tend to prefer a questioning and liberal faith. ~Psychological Type and Religion, Exhumator.com
Let’s see how this religion fits
My ex-husband was Jewish. I went through the conversion process and agreed at the time of our marriage to raise our children as Jews . I was 26 and had no idea how many family traditions would be affected by that decision.
What I didn’t foresee was the fact that I would never truly feel at home in the Jewish culture. Everyone was so kind and welcoming to me. My ex-husband’s family embraced me fully. I loved them. They were genuine and caring. It was the food, conversation style, and focus on activity that never felt 100% natural to me.
A new lifestyle for you complete with knishes and kugel
We attended a conservative temple when we were first married. Much of the service was done in Hebrew and afterwards there was an oneg — a social time with punch, coffee and sweets. During the oneg women talked about the Jewish camps their kids attended and how they were preparing for the next bris, Sukkoth or bat-mitzvah. Social time after services was a familiar ritual, but the word oneg and Camp Yeladim were not.
Let’s all talk at once and fry the introvert’s mind
Everything was very outward with the Jewish lifestyle. It was rare and unusual to meet a Jew who didn’t thrive in a boisterous, active crowd.
Family first and always.
Desiring time alone felt especially selfish when other Jewish women were killing themselves to support every member of their family, the synagogue, the schools and a sprinkling of committees.
… the family comes first idea is often foreign to introverts. We are wired to start inside.
~ Lauria Helgoe, Introvert Power
Being an introvert in an unfamiliar space, I let my ex-husband lead. I followed and did my best to adapt and love the new traditions and ways of being. I was fascinated by the success and strength of such a small religious faction. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to learn and understand. I wanted to be quick and entertaining. I wanted to be productive and impressive. I wanted to love all the hubbub and interaction.
But I missed the reflection. I missed the inward part of spirituality.
Bleeding green and red
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy and appreciate the Jewish faith and its traditions. Passover was my favorite holiday and I grew to know and love its story and nuances.
The real trouble was that I always felt like a visitor in a foreign land, much like an introvert playing an extrovert (every day).
I was the quiet shiksa. My blonde hair stood out. Well-meaning Jewish women would pull me aside and tell me they always have a little Christmas tree in a corner during the holidays. They just knew I wasn’t born a Jew.
We never had a Christmas tree at our married house. I still decorated the house with blue and white lights. I went snowman crazy and used them to add festivity and sooth my Santa cravings.
I set my own family of origin’s holiday traditions aside and put on a Jewish spread. My family did their best to get our Hanukkah presents to us on time in Hanukkah paper.
An introvert disguised in extrovert paper?
The only thing I fought for in the divorce was having the kids for Christmas every year. Last year I took back Xmas and did it up with a beautiful tree and new/old family traditions.
To be honest, it felt a little strange to downplay Hanukkah.
I realize the meaning of Christmas is not the tree and Santa but to me it’s all intertwined with sacred traditions and feelings of home.
Home again
In church, I sat to the left of the pulpit and breathed deeply as the organ sang and the choir accompanied. The rich voice of the pastor enhanced the message of kindness and devotion. I rested in the familiarity of hymns sung in English. I fell into the natural rhythm of listening and responding interspersed with silent prayer. Even the soaring ceilings and dressed-up congregation felt like home, a home perfect for personal and universal reflection.
I noticed the similarities between church and synagogue. Both advocate gratitude, peace and serving others. Both consider family and community sacred. Both ask for money.
And of course, Jesus was a Jew.;)
I left right after services. Walked to my car with shoulders relaxed and step a little lighter.
Maybe next time I’ll stick around for coffee, punch and sweets.
Have you ever given up something that felt like giving away a part of you?
Related posts:
Video: The Space We Need: An Introvert Wakes Up, Slows Down and Starts Living According to Her True Nature (space2live)
Peak Experiences in Self-Actualization: Gifts That Transcend Your Head (space2live)
Introverts in the Church (Thepowerofintroverts.com – Susan Cain)
Psychological Type and Religion (Exhumator.com)
A Divorced Introvert:Evolving Not Dissolving Post Break Up (space2live)
Poignant post…as a Jewish introvert, I have often feel doubly alienated among the “tribe” since I express myself so differently and find synagogue life exhausting and tiresome. The deeper connection I long for often fails to elude me in that context. It’s been a huge struggle for me.
Very interesting. Did you ever feel spiritual within the synagogue? I didn’t, but I think Yom Kippur, for example, could be a very moving/connected service. I really didn’t intend to generalize about Jews. I know there are Jews on both ends of the introversion/extroversion spectrum and some in between. Mostly though I felt slower, quieter and less energetic than the Jewish tribe I found myself in.
Thanks for sharing Ilona. I wonder how many other Jews feel like you do.
Yom Kippur is my favorite holiday for its focus on deep contemplation and more silence than usual in a congregation. Still, sometimes it’s not quiet enough!
Hello Brenda!
I love your posts. You are so brave and honest. I love it.
I will reach out to you ASAP for coffee. Now with school in full swing our schedules should line up better, right?
BTW, if you want to try out a church, I suggest Judson Memorial Baptist Church. I haven’t been a regular church goer for over 15 years. I just never found a home. I may have found one at this joint. It’s open, inviting and comfortable, while at the same time challenging and socially progressive. Dreya and I are going almost regularly now. Let me know if you want to visit and I’ll make sure I am attending that Sunday.
Peace to you my friend.
Keep writing!
Jimmi
From: space2live Reply-To: space2live Date: Fri, 8 Nov 2013 21:00:39 +0000 To: Jim Langemo Subject: [New post] Religion, Traditions and Straying from What Feels Natural
WordPress.com Brenda Knowles posted: ” I stepped out into the freezing rain and headed toward the closest door. An older gentleman walked by and offered me an umbrella. So nice he offered. Instant good feeling. I followed him to the sanctuary since I didn’t know where I was going. I had”
Good to hear from you Jim:) Yes, schedule is a little more open now that school is back in session. I would love to catch up. Thank you for the church recommendation. I think you understand what I’m looking for. I will let you know when I am up for attending services. It would be great to meet you and Dreya there. Please stay in touch. Big hug.*
Oh, keep me posted on your book too! I want to know when I can read it.:)
My appreciation for understanding introversion through seeing your work has opened my eyes to so many things. Feeling validated for the quiet time I needed was a big one for me, for so long I had an image that my quiet time could be construed for wasted time.
So seeing your post on your sanctuary experience at church was valuable. In addition to many new and eye opening things surrounding the topic of reflection, I find church a more meaningful experience now. It isn’t a religion thing. I attend a beautiful historic cathedral-like Lutheran church in South Minneapolis. Today on the drive there with my teenage kids, I had the car-talk time to talk about the reasons I want them to share this experience with me.
It’s valuable to step away from the flash-fast social media world I live in, that my kids live in, to soak up the experience of this old church. It’s warm like a blanket, it’s quiet, it’s a wonderful place to gaze up at old stained glass and reflect on the week. To reflect on the fact that there’s a dozen things I could be doing, but I’m choosing to give us a quiet place for an hour to sit among the music from the pipe organ, and the relevant message today about unplugging from social media (how timely).
Then there’s the scene we talked about after seeing Gravity (movie) yesterday. A main character in the movie is facing likely death, and comments that she can’t pray because nobody ever told her how to pray. Our car chat today touched that. I want my kids to know that there will be times in life when it hurts and they’re scared. Finding the inside voice to pray, realizing that there is somewhere outside themselves a higher power that might be listening, and might give them comfort just in the thought of it, is something I find worthwhile for them.
In the past months of seeing your work and learning about you, my kids and I have had numerous discussions about introversion. Now they seek their own space quietly. They get it. My son called me up from downstairs to see his cozy set up by the fireplace, with a dozen candles lit, and no electricity in the room. “Isn’t it great to read with just this light dad?”.
Your kids are so fortunate to be nurtured and guided by a parent who allows them to just BE. So many of us grew up thinking quiet alone time was backward or unproductive. Your kids will know they can find peace within themselves or through connecting with a higher power (whatever that means to them). They also know Dad offers a safe place to be open.
I think your spiritual experience is much like mine. Not based on organized religion but based on beauty, peace, connecting with something bigger than ourselves and reflection. For me, church adds a community element that I may be looking for. That hour of grace is heavenly isn’t it? No electronics, no media, just deliberate listening and reflection.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I always appreciate your insights Mr. Harvest.:)
This is interesting. I always read anything with the word “religion” in the title with a certain amount of caution and skepticism. Mostly that’s because I hate being preached at and because most people who want to talk about religion tend to use it as a crutch. But it’s clear here that you’re looking for something, be it peace, some spiritual connection, or maybe a sense of community. Whatever it is I hope you find it.
I smiled at what you said about never meeting a Jew who didn’t thrive in a boisterous, active crowd. Does that mean I’m the first? 🙂 I did grow up Jewish, although not in a very religious household that actually belonged to a temple. We did not attend weekly services followed by an oneg. Big crowded Jewish events like holidays and weddings horrified me and I couldn’t wait to escape. My introversion rearing it’s very stubborn head. 🙂 So when you say you always felt like a visitor in a foreign land? Don’t feel bad, I always felt like that too, and I grew up surrounded by it!
You also said you felt selfish taking time alone while other women were killing themselves to support the community. I smiled at that too. Haven’t you heard that one of the Jewish mother’s greatest tools is guilt? They did it because it was expected, and it rubbed off on you. (Sorry, I really don’t mean to be cynical)
My parents felt I needed *something* in the way of religious training and that was what they knew. So off I went to three-days-a-week temple classes that led up to a Bat Mitzvah. After that, they gave me the option to quit. What I remember most about that period of my life is that while I was stuck in a classroom “learning” concepts that didn’t interest me, my parents were going out to breakfast and walking in the park. I was always the kid who stared out the window daydreaming. So guess which option I chose. The most rewarding part of those classes to me was one female teacher, an Israeli woman, who had served in the Israeli army. She was fascinating. But that had nothing to do with Judiasm as a religion, or even as a culture..
Much later, I spent a few years teaching in a Catholic grade school (not doctrine, obviously; I taught in the computer lab). I did find going to mass to be relaxing and a place where I could get into my own solitude. And they had a great children’s choir 🙂 Of course, that had nothing to do with religion either, or even spirituality really. I’ve found many places over the years where I could achieve those same feelings of expansiveness that you talked about. I’m a library person, like you. But mostly, these places were outdoors, where I could feel the largeness of the world around me and take spiritual nourishment from the sun, the trees, and my fellow living creatures.
I never know how to answer when people ask my religious affiliation. Usually I’ll say I grew up Jewish but have no affiliation now. If I think they’re receptive, I may say I have Pagan leanings. But I can’t even say that I’m pagan because I really don’t know much about it, and it doesn’t interest me enough to learn. The only reason I say it at all is because of its connection with the physical and natural world, which is where I gather any spiritual strength I might have.
So you’ve heard from people who have a connection to a church or some religious body, although they are far from traditional. Now you’ve heard from someone who has no such connection except for a historical one. I find it interesting that you haven’t heard from anyone with traditional leanings. But maybe that’s not who follows your blogs. Whatever the case, I wish you luck in finding what you’re looking for.
LB I’m so glad you commented! Awesome that you grew up loosely Jewish. You are the first “Jew” I’ve met to openly admit to not loving boisterous crowds and activities. Although, I sense that a few of the Jews I know are introverts that have accepted large family chaos as the norm. Yes, the Jewish mother’s guilt sat heavily on my shoulders -still does. Someone called it guiltroversion.;) I like that your parents let you decide which path to choose regarding religion (once you had “something in the way of religious training”). I did find most Jews to be fairly open minded regarding religion. It was OK to question.
I think we are on the same page as far as finding spiritual connection in many things other than organized religion. I can be moved by so many things – music, nature, a kind gesture, beautiful words. I feel some kind of divine in those things.
I always appreciate your insight LB, so honest. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I admit I was hesitant to write a post about religion, such a touchy subject, but that is what came out this week. I am grateful to those brave enough to broach the topic and comment.:)
Parts of my childhood were based around church and its structure. I had already begun to question my beliefs before my marriage and his dominant personality (and atheism) cemented the non-attendance. Part of me would like to return to the church as I miss the social aspects and mixing with people who have strong honest values. However, I know that would be hypocritical as I no longer believe.
Your post does highlight to me the difficulty in marriage when there are different cultures or differing values and try as we might to overcome that chasm through love and care, the cultural divide can become too great.
Thanks for this post.
Elizabeth,
I feel even more contradictory after having cautioned Brenda to be self-aware of her reasons for turning (possibly) to religion. But as I mentioned in the tail of my comment, I’m a cultural christian but a spiritual atheist. Meaning, I believe in the teaching of the supposed historical man called “Jesus” and I find comfort in the community and life of a local church but I don’t believe in Jesus’ divinity or any divine being.
I don’t believe he was divine nor is there a divine at all. I participate at my church and my kids are being raised going to church. I’ve told those in my Sunday School class that I’m atheist and two of our pastors I’ve also told personally.
I’ve said that I don’t believe in god but I believe in the mission of my church: to seek justice for all, provide for the needs of the poor and to practice “radical” hospitality that excludes no one.
I had a great experience growing up in the church and I want to provide that to my kids. Why the church? Because there aren’t many secular organizations that meet on a weekly basis to talk about how to better one’s self and the world around them. I understand that for most church members all that the church does is motivated by a belief in the divine and a spiritual call to serve others. For me, I just feel being human is enough to feel the call for social justice, serving the poor and sharing love.
I am curious in the growing movement of secular “congregations” which resembles a church but with the “god part” taken out. There’s a nascent secular community/congregation in my area and am going to explore that option.
All that being said, if attending church, no matter how open you are with your non-belief, makes you feel hypocritical then go with your gut. But, as I learned when I told our senior pastor of my atheism, there are quite a few non-Christians (atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, etc.) and that “The Church” (the figurative body of christ) is “big enough” to welcome anyone who wishes to be a part of the community.
I love this response to Elizabeth Jim. Much of what you said resonates with me. I’m on the fence about god’s existence but believe in the teachings of Jesus. I, too, am going to look into a secular congregation although my first impression based on a website seemed more political than spiritual which is not what I am looking for. Thanks again for your insightful input. It’s good to hear the perspective of someone who has been involved with a church recently and has a non-mainstream view of christianity.
Thanks for your response. It always restores my faith in humanity to hear of people as tolerant as you (and your church!).
I’m a former born-again Christian, turned atheist, who is considering following Buddhism seriously. Not as a religion, but as a direction in life, as a sort of therapy. I seek its tenets that can feed my introversion and self-growth, but desire to keep far away from the deity-worship parts. I want to soak up its peace and teachings without others asking me if I have a personal relationship with the deity.
Thank you for your thoughtful and open response. It is a dilemma and it would be great if there were those organisations available…. that is, something to belong to that taught everything the church taught except for the divinity side. I applaud you for attending and being open about your atheism yet still determined to provide your children with the experience of the other aspects of the church.
Thanks for sharing Elizabeth. I missed the social aspects of church and it was nice to be in a place where values were openly encouraged and discussed. I know it’s possible to have strong values outside of a religion but it’s nice when there is a consistent discussion going on.
I thought I could assimilate into Judaism for the sake of my family. I wanted to. The religious differences were only a small part of my marriages breakdown but it played a part in my feelings of engulfment. I don’t want to sound like a victim. I made choices and couldn’t live up to some of them.
Thanks for contributing Elizabeth. This is a touchy subject. I appreciate your bravery and honesty.
Thanks. I understand your points completely.
You don’t have to look for meaning nor belonging in religion because it seems familiar and because our society. I say that so you examine very closely your reasons for looking to religion to fill some part of you that you might think needs filling.
(I’m a cultural Methodist but a spiritual atheist.)
And I say that as a nearly 50-year Methodist and a 25-year atheist who attends church at least twice a week and who happens to work for a religious non-profit. No kidding.
Thank you. I appreciate your guidance. I have been wondering if I am just looking for something to fill a space I have but it came down to I LIKE the peaceful feeling of church and I love the music. I don’t have family in the area so it is nice to be part of another community. My life already has meaning and purpose. I have explored spirituality in depth on my own. I would like to explore more. I don’t feel any pressure from society. This is my choice. I may choose to just continue my own private learning and understanding but it also felt good to be a part of a congregation with structure again.
Again, I truly appreciate what you said. I am wary of just filling a need I have.
BTW, I love your blog and have been following it for a couple of months. I appreciate your insights into the life of the introvert. 3 out of 4 in our family is introverted and I grew up in in a family that was the opposite with me being the only introvert.
I never felt truly understood by my own family and I didn’t really understand myself sometimes because we didn’t have as much information about introversion back then. We were just called “shy” and looked upon as being anti-social. But as you’ve pointed out in your blog, introverts ARE social. We just expend energy being social whereas extroverts get energized by social interaction.
Thank you for following and commenting Jim. My family of origin was mixed but mostly extroverted. I have a very extroverted sister. There was a lot of comparison (some of it possibly exaggerated in my head;) between me and her. I was always social but I also had a lot of downtime so I had no idea I was an introvert until later in life when time to myself was limited or eliminated.
Does the extrovert in your family feel left out??;)