At the time, I was just entering the mystical realms of conscious self-reflection and writing. I thought, How could anyone be sick of themselves? There is so much to learn, accept and reveal.
Well, I’ve hit that wall now. I get it. I’ve grown weary and bored of the nooks and crannies of my life. For now. I’m sure the desire to study myself will return but at the moment I feel a pull to take the focus off me.
I haven’t posted a personal status update on Facebook in days. So unlike me, but I truly have no desire or ability to forage my mind for unique observations or relevant quips. I’m burned out with myself.
Perhaps I Should Write Fiction
I even heard myself utter, I’m tired of writing, as I drove my son to play practice. I surprised myself and him. It feels as though I’ve hashed over every nuance and thought regarding introversion, divorce and self-actualization. I’m 100 posts in and fear repeating myself.
Those declarations were relatively short-lived because as I compose this post I don’t feel tired or fearful at all. I feel open, satisfied and purposeful. But there is still something different framing the edges of my life-view.
I Want to Do More Extroverting
I feel an urge to get out and engage in action. I don’t want to do laps around my mind anymore. I want to run wild and taste new experiences. I want to do something out in the world with others. I’ve been alone with my thoughts long enough. I now crave interaction and activity. All of this sounds suspiciously extroverted.
An introvert gone rogue?
Creativity and Its Contradictions
In Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi‘s Psychology Today article on The Creative Personality he mentions how creative types often exhibit contradictory characteristics like being introverted AND extroverted, working hard and sitting around, displaying masculine and feminine traits.
Not saying that I am all that creative, but I see truth in Csikszentmihalyi’s words. Creative people are open to all ways of the universe. They need to be both in touch with reality and out of touch. How else can they create work that resonates AND inspires?
Perhaps I’m ready to be in touch with reality after so many months focused on my own little world.
Change Sounds Good
I think I have crouched in the corner of my own perspective for so long that I need the light offered outside my habits. I need to connect in a different way. Sure, I connect through my writing and it is hugely fulfilling but I want to work differently for a while as well.
I want change.
Did I just say that?
I’ve had lots of change in the last year — mostly resulting from the divorce, but now I am asking for more.
I want a job.
I want a partner again.
I want more time with my kids.
I want to start over in a new house.
Every one of these means upheaval but I’m feeling strong enough to withstand it. Upheaval is the next move. I’ve been gathering data on myself long enough. At some point I have to stop doing research and publish the damn study. Time to sh*t or get off the pot as my classy relatives say.
Focus on a Job
On the job front I’m feeling more flexible. The hours need to be conducive to time with my children but the actual job can be something completely off the Brenna charts. I’m open to fields I never thought of. I want to learn new skills and use the ones I’ve honed (writing, mediation, relationship building). I want to surprise myself with what I can learn, create and do.
Focus on a Partner
As for a new partner… well, yeah that would be awesome. I’ve filled myself up with enough love and energy to give to and champion another. I want out of my head and into someone else’s heart. I love myself but that’s not enough. I want to meet someone as a complete soul, not needing their approval, security or leadership. So I can focus on their spirit and love them unconditionally.
Focus on My Children
I now have sufficient time to myself – sometimes too much. I miss my kids when they are with their dad. It took me a while to feel that way. I was catching up from years of little-to-no guilt-free time alone. As an introvert, I was fruit dying on the vine. Lack of solitude was like a drought to my imagination and sense of well-being. Freedom has re-hydrated me. I want to up my parenting game. Nourish the kids in a deeper, more lush manner when they are with me. The time limits won’t change but the level of meaningful and relaxed engagement will.
Focus on a New Home
This spring or summer I will change houses. This both exhilarates and terrifies me. The work and details involved in moving scare the crap out of me. My introvert brain already feels anesthetized by the massiveness of the project but my change-seeking heart can’t wait for a new venue to explore. My own place. Somewhere that I choose and work to make a home. It will require lots of elbow grease and physical effort but I’m focusing on the satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.
Finding Me in You
I intend to continue building space2live. I relish the thought of getting out in the physical world and gathering images and experiences that fortify space2live’s values and messages.
Of course, as I listen to others and take on physical and external tasks, universal stories and common joy and pain will surface. I will see myself in everything.
Do you ever get sick of yourself? Too much time in your own head? How do you escape you?
Self-Actualization and the Suburban Mother (space2live)
Do You Have the Guts to Choose Happiness? (space2live)