So you are spending Thanksgiving with friends and family. Are you ready dear introvert?
Are you ready to be ON for long periods of time? Are you prepared to have dinner ready at exactly 2:00PM so the minute-minders don’t get hangry and critical? Are you ready to receive countless pointers on how you should cook/clean/raise your children? Can you handle chaos for hours, possibly days? Can you go without solitude?
Perhaps you ARE ready to express caring and interest in the lives of those you love. Perhaps you are excited about sharing engaging and meaningful conversations around the kitchen table or you are eager to provide pleasing food and beautiful environments for your dear ones. Maybe you love to play board games and your crowd is up for them too.
I will be hosting this year and I feel both trepidation and joy. I’m anxious about the meal preparation and timing but excited about seeing my family and friends (and playing board games;).
What to avoid to preserve your conscious energy/sanity
For an introvert, dealing with groups of people takes lots of conscious energy, which you can think of as similar to willpower. Both conscious energy and willpower are finite. When we run low on conscious energy we resort to our least developed skills or functions, our subconcious shadow sides, becoming the exact opposite of our usual non-judgmental, flexible, empathetic, understanding selves.
Things that drain conscious energy for an introverted feeling type are:
- Multiple tasks, demands and roles to play at one time
- Conflict and negativity
- Rigid structure and time pressure
- No alone time
- Controlling and confrontational people
- Conformity to unacceptable values
Basically, anything that generates a feeling of resentment — where you trade a bit of your self to maintain a relationship or where others don’t live up to your expectations — causes conscious energy depletion. Tolerating others is a huge energy drain. If you’re tolerating, you’re not enjoying or being filled up. You’re subconsciously gritting your teeth until you get through it, sort of like being on a diet and eating celery and cottage cheese for a week. It takes willpower and it’s not comfortable.
Spending time with large groups of people is likely to bring about such a feeling for introverts, which is why we are often found in small groups with people we know and like very well.
Who me, stress?
I get nervous before and during big events when I am the host. Mostly, because to some degree, they involve the above energy drains. Thanksgiving has the potential to bring up a whole flock of entertaining stressors. Here are some examples of stressors I’ve experienced while entertaining in the past:
- Someone at the table insists on making jokes or poking fun at the expense of someone else at the table. This goes against my be kind, see the good in people, build people up instead of tear them down, value. It’s hard for me to tolerate.
- Someone standing over my shoulder questioning every step of my cooking process. Telling me how they do it or how I could do it better. This incites my incompetence fear and makes me see the person as controlling.
- Pulling all the different dishes together at the same time so everything stays hot. My mom always said that was the hardest part of cooking and I agree. The task-minding and timing blow my ‘big picture’ brain.
What happens when you provoke the sensitive introvert
The results of these stresses depleting my conscious energy are 1. Me exaggerating my strongest traits (inner feeling) and becoming hyper-sensitive and 2. Me dipping into my subconscious and less developed traits and becoming critical and judgmental. I become over-logical. I notice and point out others’ incompetence, essentially projecting my own fear of incompetency. I become especially critical of others who are critical. Yep, insanity. Later, just for added measure, I turn on myself and lay on the guilt and inner-criticism for being such a judgy wench.
When I am in this over-stimulated/under-energized state, I stop being the caring and thoughtful person I am when relaxed in a cooperative and positive environment. If the cycle lasts long enough I can lose confidence in my ability to handle things and move to feelings of despair.
Less despair, more wine
I can’t allow that to happen, so this is what I do and this is what I suggest anyone does if they find themselves wanting to put their head in the oven with the turkey:
- Take a breath and realize the critiquing, ultra logical types hawking around your kitchen looking for things you did wrong, often truly believe they are helping you. Give them a job to do so they stay busy, feel useful and stay out of your hair.
- Recharge with artistic expression. Find a new recipe or a lovely way to set the table. Put your mind in creative mode and let the possibilities entertain your eyes and surprise your guests. A favorite part of planning Thanksgiving this year was going through all of my recipes and picking out ones I thought my guests would love. I found a pumpkin spice granola recipe I can’t wait to try out for breakfast the day of Thanksgiving.
- Surround yourself with people who have similar work styles, who validate and recognize your
efforts. Validation is so comforting and supportive. Support is so much better than criticism. I’m lucky because my sister and brother-in-law are laid back and helpful guests. My man will help get things done too. I picture a wonderful meal made in a flexible environment with lively conversation to boot. I’m really looking forward to it.
- Be alone. Take time to reflect on values and generate understanding. Get away from negative, critical people. I always have my bedroom to retreat to if necessary. At the very least, I have time to myself at night when everyone is in bed.
- Give yourself plenty of time to get things done. The more rushed you are the more stressed you are. I have all of Wednesday earmarked for baking and Thanksgiving prep. I finished this post on Tuesday so I could have plenty of space in my schedule to enjoy the process.
- Temper your idealism. The dinner may not be perfect but there will be moments of wonderful.
- Have a glass of wine. I’m going to. I don’t recommend using alcohol as a crutch but a drink can take the edge off and help you relax.
- Express gratitude for the people and food at your table. That’s what Thanksgiving is all about, right? Being thankful. Being thankful puts the focus on the good stuff and lets you get back to the positive, less critical you.
Are you at all anxious about the holidays and time spent with groups? How do you make it enjoyable?
I’m so happy to find this site. At Thanksgiving I had a full on panic attack while trying to serve dinner. Even though all at the table were my family whom I love with all that is within me, my anxiety level was off the charts. As I get older, I find it so much harder to pretend I enjoy big noisy events even with people I love.
I’ve read that we get more sensitive as we get older. In my personal experience, I’ve found that to be true. I hope you can find a way to let your family know how you feel so you can honor your nature and relax. I know it’s hard once routines have been set in place, but those who truly love you, will want to put you at ease. Perhaps keeping the dinners/celebrations smaller is an option. I’m glad you found BrendaKnowles.com. I hope you feel very at home.:)
Brenda, This was a lovely article.
I wasn’t aware of just how anxious I really get when hosting. Thanksgiving was always such a HUGE deal in the past but now that I’m more comfortable in my skin and accepting of myself (foibles and all) I am a lot better prepared for the curve-balls. Your “Who me Stress” section rang all the bells of memory for me. As a non-confrontational person, it was often hard for me to handle when someone criticized someone else or analyzed and gave the play-by-play of every item on the menu.
This year, as with last year, I told myself the truth. I didn’t want to cook the bird or the sides and add an enormous amount of pressure on myself. I catered and it went great! Also, if there is any dissension, I don’t go down the road of making any statements that can be misconstrued.
Although I am not introverted, I am learning to recognize the value of maintaining quiet, careful, thoughtful, considerate conversation and keep what could be construed as abrasive commentary to a minimum. What I may consider to be funny or honest, someone else may be genuinely horrified by and I like to take these into account now. My whole language around others has changed because I really didn’t understand that how I was handling was actually passive-aggressive and just plain mean!
Being honest and adding supportive speak (in low tones) has also helped me see that I don’t have to be “on” all the time. This was really liberating for an extrovert like me to recognize my need for alone-time…to just SIT IN the silence and hear my own soul respond to what I’m truly feeling has been liberating.
Your posts are a large part of that awareness. So, thank you.
And I hope your Turkey Day went off without a hitch!
Lisa I am so thrilled and impressed by your growth and personal understanding! You are a wise lady.:) Good for you for deciding to go the catered route for Thanksgiving. I’m sure it led to a more centered and relaxed you. I love getting your perspective as an extrovert. It sounds like you have a similar (to introvert’s) desire for stillness and careful consideration. As a fellow non-confrontational person, I appreciate your efforts to keep conversation positive and supportive. Have you heard of non-violent communication? You are demonstrating some of the characteristics. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Keep on blossoming and sharing with us!
A thought-provoking article, but I wish you had not included the picture with the horrible head going round and round. It’s a very ugly image, and the movement made me queasy as I read even when I wasn’t looking directly at it.
Ugly image removed. Thanks for being honest. I know moving images can be distracting and that one was particularly gruesome. I added it for humor but it was a swing and a miss.
I found it funny when I saw that image. I always laughed at it, even when the movie came out, LOL. To each is own. Not everyone will get the humor. Hard to convey through words. When I’m around people ad its to busy, I feel like an animal with my head cut off, LOL people pulling me in so many directions. I got so mad and annoyed when I when I went home for a few weeks a few years ago and my father, his girl and her son were bothering me everyday about food and cooking. None of them cooked. I didn’t not go there for that and especially not being in the kitchen 3 different times a day. His girl, never fed her family a home cooked meal. She always ordered out. So now thats what her son does and he’s looking for a woman who cooks, he should learn, he’s 29. But he still lives at home. SMDH!!!! I didn’t mind cooking, because he had a nice kitchen but every time I went downstairs they kept following me, I felt like I had 3 kids. And these are grown ass people in their 60’s but even before that age, they didn’t cook. Both sexes should learn, My mom taught me when I was younger. I don’t understand for the life of me, why I know people who don’t like to cook and just want to be served all the time. I don’t know why people do not like being in the kitchen.
I would not like to have to cook for everyone when I’m visiting them. Perhaps a few times but not every day. You were generous. I think some people are intimidated by cooking. When they don’t have experience or someone who set an example for them, it can seem complicated. I love being in the kitchen, especially a joyful or serene kitchen. Being rushed while cooking is the worst, oh well no, maybe being henpecked while cooking is the worst. The way you describe your family is hilarious.;)
I have been following your blog for quite some time and I find you write from the heart which makes it so relatable. I look forward to your life experiences in your posts. It helps me deal with my own interactions and manage my own energy levels. Thank you for this small space and I look forward to reading about how Thanksgiving went for you. 🙂
P.s. That exorcist GIF fits perfectly but I think it changes size which increases and decreases the page size. I read this on my phone so it can be annoying that the paragraph keeps shifting everytime. It might be an isolated incident but if it isn’t I’m sure everyone else would like that teeny problem sorted out. 🙂
I’m so glad you find my stories relatable. Yes, you definitely have a safe and validating space here. Thanks for the comment about the Exorcist GIF. I hesitated to put moving gifs in my posts but that one just made me laugh. I took it out because I think it was too much of a distraction and slightly annoying.;) Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Hi Brenda,
I spent my thanksgiving alone :). These pictures are funny! I cooked for one, I have some marinated roasted brussel sprouts, with veggie grain roast from field roast and some garlic rice pilaf with broccoli and cauliflower in white wine sauce. It was heaven :). And I made myself a blueberry pie :). And listen to some music. I don’t like to talk when I’m eating. I can’t enjoy my food and people always want to talk to me, while I’m chewing. This is one reason why I don’t like to eat out much. I like to eat at home whee its quiet and peaceful. When I have cooked for friends in the past, they are talking while I’m trying to concentrate on creating my food. I distracted easily when people are talking while I’m cooking. I’ll ask people to clear the kitchen. My mom used to do that too, it was the only time, she had to herself. People don’t understand my need to cook and be alone at times. It all depends on the conversation too, I don’t like negative talk when I’m cooking or about to eat. The energy that goes into it. So I always make sure the atmosphere is serene when I cook and eat. Any negative energy will turn me off and I won’t be hungry. I know people who are always eating and talking and I’m like darn, SHUT UP!! LOL. People get made when I don’t want to eat and talk at the same time. Loud restaurants, don’t do it for me either. I wonder how will I date, if a guy wants to take me out, when I like to eat at home. I just can’t stand loud places when I want to enjoy my food and then there are other people around and other aromas, messing with my senses and just people being loud I cant even hear my own thougths or the company I’m with. I also don’t like other people staring at me, while I’m eating either. I just like intimacy when it comes to food.
Typo, *mad, and thoughts, LOL. Can that be fixed, LOL.
I’m glad you had a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner for one. It sounds scrumptious. I have found it is hard for me to cook and talk as well. I get distracted and don’t do as well with the preparation. My cooking results are much better when I do it on my own or with someone who focuses on their own contribution to the meal. If we both have our own part of the meal to prepare it can work.
Eating out and dating may be tricky for you. Perhaps you’ll have to dine in although that can lead to intimacy expectations if you do it too soon. You are a highly sensitive person. An understanding partner will work with you. Peace to you Morena.