Yeah, this is never going to be me.

Yeah, this is never going to be me.

I’ve never been the girl who laughs openly and raucously. I don’t talk loudly so the whole crowd can hear or have any delusions about being the life of the party. I can’t fake enthusiasm. I’m not known for doling out exuberant praise. I don’t take up a lot of space in a room or a conversation. I’m not the high energy type, but I often wish I was.

I now know that part of my demeanor is due to introversion. I’m perpetually in energy conservation mode. If I do get nutty, super bright and wild and spill my enthusiasm all over everyone I know there will have to be a low output period to counteract the energy depletion. If there is no recharge time then things get nasty.

I’m positive you have a resting bitch face

My son informed me today that I am not a positive person.That hurt in the deepest way. I had to sit down after hearing it. Was I fooling myself all this time? I always thought I was a ‘bright side’, look for the best in everyone person. Am I only a dark cloud at home or do I carry that vibe with me? I admit, home is where I’m the most stressed. It’s where I feel the most negativity and where my buttons are pushed continuously. Am I naturally somber and that brings the house down or does the negative atmosphere bring about bitterness and a ‘resting bitch face’ from me?

resting bitch face

The silver lining to having an RBF?

Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, has been told by her family that she has a ‘mean face’ that surfacesGretchen Rubin when her work time is interrupted. I am sure I have that too.

Right now, with the kids home for the summer, I feel like I’m on the 28th day of a 30-day cabbage soup diet. My will power is shot. My level of irritability is high. My energy is flagging. I love my children but I was not meant to be home with them all day. My need to be close to each of them and make them all happy competes with my need to work and breathe in solitude. I’m torn between the two, which I’m ashamed to say, results in non-positive behavior (frowns, yelling, tears, low energy).

My personality is not bubbly but I have a different kind of radiance

Everyone loves a woman who radiates energy. If she could be happy all the time and never get tired that would be perfect. I see it all the time in ideal mate descriptions on — I am looking for a fun, active woman with lots of energy and a good sense of humor. That sounds like an extrovert to me. I’m not saying introverts are not fun, active or energy-filled but in context I’m fairly certain they mean they want a fit, energizer bunny who socializes with aplomb and has a constant sunny disposition. I can do that for a while, right up until I’m exhausted and not genuine anymore. Then I’ll get quiet, retreat and glow more subtly.

I may not be a ‘spitfire’ or ‘wild child’ (in public) but I do have times when I have a certain radiance. When I am in a safe, nourishing environment I bloom and become my version of effervescent. I grow in praise. My spirit unfolds and I generate a warmth that goes beyond my body. It extends out to those in my orbit. I want to share stories and listen woman sunnygenerously. I want to champion everyone. I smile easily and laugh naturally.

If I get out in the sun and walk in nature, I can feel and project the most divine, serene aura.

After enough time in solitude, I emerge with energizing clarity, sparkly eyes and a deep desire to connect and give vibrantly.

If I find myself in a discussion about books, relationships, a Netflix series, self-awareness or space2live, I get all excited. Sometimes I have to hold my words back so I don’t ‘hog’ the conversation. I’ve been told I emit a beautiful light when I talk about what I love, which is so much better than emitting a bitch face.

Do you ever feel ashamed of your energy limitations or cross mood? What do you have to offer besides a bubbly personality? What do others value in you? 

If this post spoke to you, you may also enjoy:

When Parenting Overwhelms:Tough Days as an Introverted Parent

Understanding the Introvert Cycle: Why We Go From Irritable to Ever-Loving

Where’d My Energy Go? 12 Causes of Over-Arousal for the Introvert and/or Highly Sensitive Person

The Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo?

How to Protect and Liberate Your Energy:A Guide for Introverts and Anyone Who Feels Drained

Slumber Parties and Kryptonite: Simple Ways to Explain Introversion to Children