How do you know when a relationship has long-term loving potential? Since my last relationship ended, I took time off to figure out what went wrong, then dated casually, then dated a little less casually. I haven’t committed to anything serious…
At this point, I am hyper-sensitive to potential pitfalls in a serious relationship. My brain and my heart scan the horizon for incoming threats. This is not ideal.
As much as I know love is not logical, nor can it be planned to the tiniest detail, I still have a desire to go about this with my eyes open and some kind of guidance system. I know I can’t protect myself from heartache. I know sometimes you just have to leap and then work at it, but I feel better having a few litmus tests and red flag detectors in my pocket.
Here are a few of the tools I find helpful:
Knowledge of attachment theory: I wrote about attachment styles in Finding and Maintaining a Secure Relationship: Back to the Dating Drawing Board. A partner who can create or work toward a reassuring and secure relationship with me would be wonderful. I have anxious and avoidant attachment traits. I am hyper-vigilant about feeling disconnected (anxious) and slightly afraid of being needed too much (avoidant). Other relationships taught me to be more responsive. I expect respect and caring. Mixed signals turn me off. Therefore, I have securely attached traits as well.
Gut check: How do I feel when I am with someone? Relaxed? Energized? Bored? Strung out? How do I feel after they leave? Calm? Excited? Exhausted? Relieved? I’ve learned to pay attention to my intuition. It is not 100% accurate but its voice doesn’t go away. It influences one way or the other over time. As it gathers information, it speaks more. Ultimately, I’m looking for a feeling of home — safe, comfortable, warm, loving.
Non-negotiable needs: In The Marriage Decision: Everything Forever or Nothing Ever Again, Tim Urban suggests using a list of deal breakers as one way to logically determine if your mate is forever. Urban even gives suggested prompts such as, There’s no way I can figure out how to be happy with someone who does / doesn’t ____, to help you soul search. A few of my non-negotiable needs are: A partner who supports my work; makes me feel understood; is curious; has a positive outlook; is good with my children.
Chemistry: Although this has led me astray a few times, I still find it impossible to overlook. There has to be a spark to keep me interested. I’ve dated the most wonderful, sweet, thoughtful and committed men, but not felt one iota of excitement or heart flutters. I don’t want to kiss them. Without chemistry, it’s platonic.
Who would my mom NOT like? I subconsciously used to use the opposite question, Who would Mom like? as a determinant. My mom was fond of my ex-husband and my last boyfriend. Part of their appeal was that Mom approved. I mistakenly thought the kind of man my mom enjoyed would be a good fit for me. Not true. My mom and I were patently different people. She was an ESFJ, traditional, conservative woman. She herself struggled with finding healthy relationships. Perhaps we had that in common…
Who would my other family and friends like? In Wired for Dating, Dr. Stan Tatkin recommends letting your friends and family vet your potential partner.Your closest people take note of how you act when with your mate. They notice how they treat you. They notice how your partner talks about you when you are not around. My sister and brother-in-law have proven to be decent vetters. We have similar lifestyles, personalities and a close relationship.
Travel test: After doing two road trips this summer with my kids and several trips with my last boyfriend, I’ve come to believe trips are a good test of a couple’s mettle. First of all, does your potential partner like to travel? Can you ride in the car with them for hours? Are they interesting? Do they get intense and angry when dealing with logistics? Is their idea of fun the same as yours? How do they relax? Do you still like each other at the end of the trip? The bottom line is, can you spend extended periods of time together?
Can share joy: This is one my newer tells. It’s all about relating. If something inspires me at church, can I call and tell my partner about it? Will they find it interesting too? Will they share a similar experience of their own? If we go to a comedy club together and the comedienne says something hilarious, do we look at each other to share that greatness? Sharing joy is one of the best things about relationships. If your person finds joy in similar things and looks to you to share and amplify it, life is grand.
I know this all sounds formulaic and impossibly idealistic, but it’s what I carry with me into relationships. I’m still open to surprise, figuring out I’m totally over-thinking, and discovering something totally different. In fact, that would be amazingly attractive. 🙂
What are some of the tell-tale signs of a great match for you? What are your deal-breakers? How important is chemistry to you?
I’m happy for you Brenda! I truly wish I can be like you! You fall, you get up! You stumble, you brush yourself up and you carry on…..
You value relationship. You thrive to find that special person. You think of new possibilities to explore, to share…to …love. You don’t allow your fears to stop you. You don’t allow disappoint to discourage you.
I try to learn from you! And for someone like myself, who has become cynical about life in general, someone who is full of fears of the unknown, who seems to always value certainty over the ‘what ifs’ in life, but realizes ‘I’m still young enough to not be this way! What’s wrong with me?!’ I find your approach to life fascinating!
Lately, I’ve been feeling somehow unfulfilled and a bit lost in terms of how/where my life is going…I do laugh a lot, I do encourage others and give them bursts of energy when around me! I listen to their life problems and try to wave my hand as if to say ‘look, you could do this! Look, you’re awesome at this! Look, you have so much to offer! Please don’t give up! Please continue going! Don’t let the world drag you down no matter what!’…….Then, in my quiet lonely moments, I look at myself, who am I? Where’s love? Where’s joy? Where’s fun? Where’s inspiration? Where’s a lot of things?!!!..
I usually find my answers! They are laid at plain sight in front of me:
‘I’ have chosen to be who I am! I am a wife in a quiet house! A business owner who was given a choice ‘be a wife, or a successful entrepreneur! You cannot have both’! So I downsized my business, and now I work from home, and I’m dying inside everyday. It’s not my spouse’s fault! I chose my path! I rumbled and got tired and took the easy road. Why? Because, I chose to ignore all the signs that you had mentioned Brenda!
And now, after all these years, my life is so meshed with my partner, I feel I will be committing the most selfish act, if I am to stop. See, a lot of the signs that you have talked about in your post, weren’t there when I met him! But after a lot of trials and a lot of work, some are starting to emerge! And to someone like myself, someone with my personality traits of wanting to value others when they try hard, to a point I never feel I’m able to give up on them! I want to see the best in them even after much hurt, I’m usually quite taken if ever discover I have managed to open their eyes to different ways of looking at important things in life, to change their perspective a bit and help them become more gentle, or less critical of others, more accepting and so on…I feel I have made them ‘better’! But did/do they do the same for me? I don’t even stop to think about that, until I read some of your posts!
I’m not a weak woman, in fact and in many aspects, just like you; I am quite strong! But unlike you, long time ago, I chose to ignore the signs! Unlike you, I didn’t value ‘me’ and what was important to me as much as I should’ve! I was very young and immature! I can’t even say I knew what I wanted/needed to sustain a good relationship! Now?! I have a great friendship with my spouse! I love him as if he’s part of me! The chemistry might be missing and needs work! But the friendship is incredibly deep! Our personalities couldn’t be more different! But the friendship keeps us together. Is it enough? For folks who ignored or at least did not know the signs and what to look for at the time! They are left wondering ‘where was Brenda long time ago?! :)’.
Cheers to better us…
Kat I’m learning to appreciate friendship within a relationship more and more. Know there will always be things that surface later in a relationship that weren’t there in the beginning. It’s about how you handle disagreement as a couple. Are you both generous with your differences? Do you learn from each other? I may appear strong, but trust me I have my weak days. I pick myself up and dust myself off because I have to. I can’t stay crumpled on the floor. I also have a deep desire to find a companion who supports me as I support them. I thought about adding an extra paragraph to the above post about realizing my mate will have his own methods for deciding on a good relationship. Relationships are so complex but I still have hope that there is someone out there willing to learn, work and love with me. I hope you find/see that with your husband. You are a highly aware woman. Consider approaching your husband counterintuitively sometimes. When you feel like getting away from him, move closer. Touch him. Be vulnerable. See what happens. It’s been my experience that it shifts things, at least for a while, granting an opening for both of you to see each other anew. Thanks for sharing your story Kat. I can relate in so many ways kindred spirit.