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You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …

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Sapiosexuality: Curiosity and Intelligence, Two of the Biggest Turn Ons?


So hot!

I was lit up mentally, spiritually and sexually. Spending the day privately touring the Minneapolis Institute of Arts newest exhibit turned me on. The curator’s detailed and delicious delivery of facts and folklore fed my brain. The intermingling of history, art, beauty, politics and relationships perfectly activated my intuitive spider-web thinking. Ideas and concepts playfully had sex with each other in my mind and stimulated my whole being. My man noticed and benefitted from my unusual energy at the end of the day.

**Take note introverts: One way to bolster energy is to engage your curiosity and learning muscle.

You’ll need maturity and a large one of these to turn me on

I’m a sapiosexual. Intelligence does it for me. A large vocabulary is an aphrodisiac. Philosophical discussion is foreplay.

I do not consider sapiosexuality a sexual orientation. I consider it a lifestyle choice or personality preference. Please do not misconstrue it as personal permission to be pretentious. I’m not encouraging intellectual elitism but simply stating what I find erotic.

I recently posted the following meme on space2live’s Facebook page: intelligence is sexy

The two lines that resonated the deepest with me were: 1. Maturity is sexy and 2. Having a mentally stimulating conversation is sexy. They hit home because I love interpersonal intelligence. I believe maturity

I couldn’t resist. I love John Slattery and his brilliant acting/directing. Thought he looked sexy smart in his glasses.

and good communication skills are hallmarks of gifted thinkers. If you keep your cleverness to yourself or use it to lord over others, then it isn’t sexy or worthy of reverence.

Broad definition of intelligence

My definition of intelligence is broad. I acknowledge many forms of cleverness. You could work with your hands and be titillatingly interesting to me. You could have a fascination with french horns or bullfrogs and be brilliant in my mind. Are you a moving public speaker or ultra-skilled pilot? Are you creative or funny? I’m putty in your hands.

It all has to do with your level of curiosity and passion. I look for an uncommon courage to follow your curiosity and an atypical level of depth. Can you relate your expertise to the human condition? Oh my God, I’m weak in the knees. I admit, I don’t have as high of regard for fact recitation. I’m more attracted to those deeply devoted to the study of humanity and the world. If you have a lust for learning I may lust for you. If you simply spew out memorized tidbits to impress without any basis for their purpose or value, I may actually be turned off.

Physical appearance counts but deep thinking is hotter

I used to think physical type was the igniter of attraction. For me, it is not. It’s all about your mind and how you express it. Can you give me new insight or a rare perspective? Can I engage you in an expansive conversation that leaves us both enlightened? If so, I’m attracted. Erudite thoughts only enhance appearance.

 Intelligent = more sexual?

According to the article Sapiosexuals: Why We’re Scientifically Attracted to Intelligent People, bright people have stronger sperm (males, of course) and stronger sex drives. The study cited to back up the latter claim is slightly nebulous but interesting nonetheless. The study is based on sex toy company, Lovehoney’s, finding that elite universities in the UK have some of the most frequent toy buyers. The article used the information to support the idea that intelligent people are more sexual. The study also indicated that the more intelligent you are the less sex you tend to have. Hmmm. Perhaps über smart people are just kinkier or more apt to resort to toys to relieve pent-up sexual tension.

It makes sense to me that high achievers would strive for high levels of satisfaction in all areas of their lives.

The real reason why intelligence is sexy

The witty and smart Tina Fey

The witty and smart Tina Fey

Most of us prefer a smart partner versus a window licker but the attraction I am talking about goes beyond the outwardly obvious smart vs. dumb. It resonates internally.

It has been my experience that the more worldly, knowledgable and multi-faceted someone is the more open-minded about sex and relationships they are. The more open-minded, the more willing to be vulnerable. The more willing to be vulnerable, the more exquisite intimacy achieved. The more exquisite intimacy, the more our inner worlds light up.

What drives you crazy sexually? What is your definition of brilliant? What would bring exquisite intimacy to your relationship?

If this piece resonated or affected you in a meaningful way, I would truly appreciate it if you would share it with others who may benefit.

Thank you,


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  1. Diane October 7, 2016 at 12:05 pm - Reply

    Yes. Yes. Yes. Intelligence, intellectual curiosity and maturity are a powerfully attractive mix. Add in being a genuinely nice person and game over. This combo trumps gorgeous looks any day for me. -36 years ago I was lucky enough to find someone whose capacity for learning and experiencing new things make him endlessly fascinating to be around. (And bonus points for being handsome too)

    • Brenda Knowles October 8, 2016 at 9:42 am - Reply

      Good to hear of other’s success Diane. Sounds like you hit the jackpot. Thank you for sharing.:) Yes, the genuinely nice person trait is the icing on the cake.

  2. Catherine North (@NorthCat75) May 26, 2015 at 2:24 pm - Reply

    What I find irresistible is when I don’t have to explain myself to someone; they just get what I’m saying and connect with it straightaway. I suppose it comes partly from high intelligence, partly from emotional sensitivity, and also just being a similar type of person. It’s a turn-off for me if someone is frequently puzzled or surprised by what I say. That person could still be a friend, but in a relationship I need to feel an ease of communication or I can’t be myself around them.
    Oh, and I love the word sapiosexual!

    • Brenda Knowles May 27, 2015 at 11:26 am - Reply

      Well said. I completely agree. Emotional sensitivity and similar personal type do make communication easier, deeper and attractive. I am finding as I get older I am more capable of talking with all types, even if they are different than me as long as they are willing to appreciate and respect our differences the way I try to do. If someone has no interest in looking at something beyond what they see as right or wrong then I am left cold. That’s why I love curious learners. They are willing to go deeper with me even if they are puzzled by my responses. I admit, it does get tiring if someone requires constant explanations and has no chance of ‘getting’ me. Thanks for your insight Catherine. Always great to hear from you.

  3. Irene May 25, 2015 at 4:45 pm - Reply

    All very true. I’m attracted by the intelligence in others, their desire to improve themselves, their curiosity. They stimulate me to give my best too. I have a big problem with the opposite situation. When I feel myself surrounded by people content with their mediocrity, people who don’t want to learn new things and broaden their horizons. Maybe they’re not bad people. But I always feel the danger of letting them drag me down. And being surrounded by this kind of people is making me feel empty and lonely at the end of the day.

    • Brenda Knowles May 26, 2015 at 1:26 pm - Reply

      I can see where being around unmotivated people all the time might lead to you absorbing their energy, which is low and not engaging. I think I do best with a mix of intelligent, motivated and active people and those who are perhaps slightly less intense but still interesting. I need some calm and not highly driven interactions too. But learners and improvers are inspiring. Thanks for sharing your personal insight.

  4. Marjorie May 22, 2015 at 4:24 pm - Reply

    What I have found in intelligent men that I have dated is a very immature emotional nature as if one developed their intellectual side but left out the emotional one….the fine balance is what would seems most inviting and difficult to find.

    • Brenda Knowles May 23, 2015 at 7:05 am - Reply

      Yes, that intellectual and emotional balance is the most sought after. That’s why I mentioned maturity. If a man or woman is highly intellectual but has no empathy or emotional intelligence then they are as deep as a computer program. Thanks for commenting Marjorie.

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