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That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman

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Our Deepest Voids Form Our Deepest Values

Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos on Unsplash

Do you know what you value most in your life? Do you REALLY know? Can you get specific? Are they deeply personal values or are they social idealisms you feel you should honor? Or are they values imposed upon you by someone you know? Take a minute to ponder those questions.

According to Dr. John Demartini in his book, The Values Factor, what you value most serves as an internal compass “…pointing you toward the activities, people and places that most fulfill you and away from the situations and people who are likely to feel unfulfilling.”

How to determine our values

When determining our true values it is best to look at the actions we take spontaneously and without much influence from others. This is not to say our values are not often derived from family traditions, family pressure, societal pressure or idealisms. They are, but they are not the ones that guide us authentically to fulfillment. If we live by others values, we often feel drained and unfulfilled, even if we outwardly look successful.

We want what we don’t have

Dr. Demartini also says our true highest values — the things we are instinctively drawn to, what we live for — often start out as the things we feel we are missing.

Whatever we perceive we lack, we tend to develop a strong craving for. Think about the answers you came up with to the questions in the opening paragraph. Single out one of your most deeply held values. Was this value something you felt you were missing at one point in your life? Chances are, it was.

Photo credit Aaron Burden via Unsplash

This perceived void drives us to work hard and without much external motivation to achieve or create what we don’t currently have. When we work hard for something and consider it important, it becomes something we value.

Driven by money

I’ll give you personal examples. Growing up there was always an undercurrent of financial instability for my family. Unexpected expenses really rattled my mom. My mother was a preschool teacher and my father owned shoe stores (retail in the 80s, not good). One thing I subconsciously set out to eradicate from my life was that fear of not having enough money. I got a college degree in a field (business) I knew had a greater chance of paying well. I married a man who was financially savvy and had a high earnings potential. I valued financial stability and set my life course to attain it.

What we value, we seek

After my mother died and a long-term relationship ended, I felt alone and untethered. My extended family lived far away. I worked from home by myself. I did not have a tribe to belong to.

I was highly motivated to find a community to join. I found a church that fit the bill. I started working at a school part-time. I met a man with a large family in the area and fell in love with him. All of these additions to my life eased that void of not being a part of something, of feeling alone. I valued them.

Values change over time

Which brings me to another point. Our values change over time, as we do. As a young twenty-something I felt the pang of poverty and financial instability. After achieving financial stability, I started to value personal development and emotional connection more. I still value these highly, but time will tell if they are lifelong goals of importance.

Know your loved ones’ values too

The more certain we are of what we deem important, the better we know ourselves. The better we know ourselves, the easier it is for others to know and love the real us.

It is also especially helpful to be aware of our loved ones’ values. To know our partner’s/friends’/family’s values we must take note of what they do without coaxing and what they perceive as voids in their lives.

In knowing what we and our loved ones appreciate, we become better companions and more fulfilled.

What do you do all the time without prompting? What do you seek? What is missing in your life that motivates you? What are your strongest values?




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